Yes or No?

Next week is our "big" u/s. I will be 19 weeks.

I don't know why but I am freaked out. I am terrified that we will go in and they'll say, "Sorry, no heartbeat." So irrational.

But I know that it happens. Who's to say it won't happen to me?

I swear I have felt some movement which leads back to the irrational thought process. However, feelings are rarely ever about being rational. So it's just this big, ugly, irrational, circular motion.

I am still on the fence about finding out the the sex (assuming the above does not happen). I love, love, love the excitement that comes from not knowing. I also love the fact that not knowing drives other people crazy :) Plus, L would prefer to not find out.

But I also would really like to get some clothes ready as I discovered with LP, I like the pink or blue clothes as opposed to the yellow and green. If this is another boy he will be in a completely different season from LP so there will be no sharing clothes early on.

L and I are also having trouble around names- mostly boy names. I have had two dreams where we had another little boy and L was unhappy with what I named him- in real life and the dream. L is just not crazy about it.

I think that there is something to it because it was the same name in both dreams and the name itself was never previously discussed. I won't tell you the name just because I don't want to upset anyone- plus I am trying to keep it on the "list" because I really like it.

However, I would like your impute- finding out, yes or no? Discuss.

Wakings

So I have noticed a trend in my life.

When I wake up, either at 2am or 5:30am I am instantly thinking about money and bills. Then I just lay there for about 1-2 hours worrying. Sometimes I will actually get up and work on our household budget.

What causes your night wakings?

So Juvenile

I will admit to you how juvenile I really am.

I was in church this past Sunday and couldn't help but snicker every time I had to sing the line, "I will go with Him all the way."

Sacrilegious I know- but there it is.

What A Diffierence

So the magazine rack has become a new favorite toy for LP. As I was putting them away, for the umpteenth time, the other evening I realized how far my little life has morphed...

From my single days: Trav.el & Leisure, Food & Wi.ne, and US W.eekly

In my early married days: Livi.ng, Bod.y & Soul, Paula Dea.n and Rachel Ray

Now: This O.ld H.ouse, Taste of Ho.me Healthy Cooking, and Parent.ing

My how times change.

Outed

Sad as it is I woke up at 6am thinking, "Should I out myself today? I said I would if I made it this far."

So there it is. I outed myself due to our lovely little heartbeat on Monday.

I was surprised by the relief it brought. I enjoyed not hiding my belly anymore, trying not to hold LP a certain way or at all when around others, or doing that unconcious belly rub. I actually started to enjoy my current state.

Of course once I started telling people and emailing a few I was sure that I had jinxed the pregnancy and that it was all over. (Sigh)... then I gave myself a quick mental slap and remembered to keep it together.

It's too late. The information is out there in the public. It still makes me nervous when I think about it but... I am pregnant. And if, Heaven forbid, I lose this pregnancy I will want all the support I can get.

The hardest was emailing two IRL friends who are struggling with fertility issues. On one level I realize that I have struggled so it's not like I am "one of those people"-- but we all know it can be just as hurtful and painful. One I emailed out of necessity due to distance. The other I see on occassion due to work and explained I wanted her to be able to have any first reaction she wanted without feeling like she was being judged.

It's really hard to tell people in a gentle way and I did feel a little guilty while typing. I guess that's par for the course though.

How Do The Normals Do It?

Really.

That's my biggest questions right now.

How do the normal people tell others they are pregnant? With such ease? Happiness? Joy?

How do they just blurt out, "I'M PREGNANT!!!" Then float about the room smiling ear- to- ear?

The simple, easy answer is ignorance. They just don't know better.

Which is why they are normal and I am not.

Clearly, I am showing and working very hard to hide it. However, people are raising their eyebrows. I can see the question written all over their silent face.

(You know I actually went out and purchased two maternity items last week?? Big moment I know! )

I need to start telling people, I go in for a 13-week heartbeat check on Monday. If all goes well, I told myself that I would start telling people.

It just freaks me out a little. Okay, maybe more than a little.

More like a few notches below panic but a hefty upgrade from "Oh, sweet Lord..."

The Beat Goes On

Baby's heartbeat was ticking away yesterday- although I was measuring a little further along than last time.

While I should have been 10w6d today I was 11w1d. However, it was my doctor and not the u/s tech that did the measurements this time. Umm, but I don't care- it puts me that much closer to the 2T.

So there it is.

The heartbeat was still 182 but our doctor was not concerned. She said it was nice and strong and that various things can affect it- like dehydration. So I am going to try and start drinking more water.

I does make me a little nervous that it's so high but I am trying to take the road of "If she's not worried about it then I won't be worried about it."

We might actually have a January baby :) Neat, huh??

Laziness

That's really what it is.

I. am. just. lazy.

A while back we moved my home office upstairs- from downstairs.

I used to waste the few precious, non-filled hours I had on my laptop, sitting on the couch surfing the internet. And of course, perusing everyone's blog while adding my own updates.

Now everything is upstairs. Up. that. long. flight. to. no. where. ville.

There isn't even a bathroom up here. Yet. It's a distant dream of ours.

As much as I adore you all and deeply want to know how you are all doing. I just can't seem to make myself take my boo- tay up those damn stairs.

Now that I have a bit more work, it will force me up here. But seriously people, I need to get my office back downstairs. Clearly, I am just too lazy. Quite frankly, I miss you all!

Is there anything that your laziness prevents you from doing?

Love Potion #9

Indeed.

8w6d.

Heartbeat 182.

EDD 01/20/10.

Thirlled.

Nervous.

Hurdles to still jump.

But, hopeful this won't break my heart.

On Leave

I will be gone for our beach vacation this upcoming week but wanted to wish everyone a nice, quiet, uneventful, non- drama week.

While I am starting to feel anxious I am planning on enjoying this trip.

The next time you hear from me I will be able to tell you if we saw a heartbeat (God, willing the answer will be a resounding 'yes!').

Enjoy your week!!!

I Guess

When you have been pregnant 9 times your stomach just goes *bleh, blub, blub*.

I haven't been able to button my pants for two weeks. Adding further insult I was forced to wear maternity pants to church.

Those factors make it difficult to ignore my condition. And too hide it.

Sorry For The Delay

I am still technically pregnant.

I find it odd that I say that- as if somehow I am not "really" pregnant because we don't know if we have a heartbeat or if I am going to miscarry. It's like I need to qualify or justify my state of mind somehow.

Anyway...

I have had two more labs. My 5- day lab (3rd draw) was 375. My final, and 4th draw (4 days later) was 3310.

This is encouraging and the numbers were much higher than we hoped for.

LP is keeping me busy (who is literally climbing on everything) along with work- both excellent distractions. I am left worried at times because I am not constantly checking in with symptoms. So this leads me to worry that they aren't strong enough- to which I have to remind myself that I could get distracted from my symptoms while I was carrying LP.

So then I wonder if we are having a boy since it's like LP's pregnancy- which leaves me feeling annoyed with myself because I am jumping way ahead of myself and the situation.

(Oh- I also worry that I jinxed the pregnancy as I found out my due date.)

You know the drill. The roller coaster. Blah, blah, blah...

I should be solidly into my 8th week by time the u/s rolls around- June 16th.

Here's to hoping that drinks will be on the house that day!

What You Don't Know

So straight to what you really want to know...

In five days my betas went from 66 to 375. The doubling rate slowed from the 48- hour draw by 8 hours (you can thank betabase.com)... of course it also told me that I am average for my age range.

I know that I am being nit-picky. You would be too. Admit it!!

Treatment should be by the end of the week. I am going to talk to the nurse tomorrow.

My ob wants me to come in for another lab on Friday so that she can figure out what she is looking for in the u/s. Originally, it was scheduled for next Tuesday but I know it will be too early to see anything (I've concluded that I was 11dpo when I took the pregnancy test) and L will be out of town until Thursday.

Then we leave for the beach Saturday with L's family. So I think that we are going to wait until the week of the 15th. We should see something definitive by then.

I know that it seems forever (and it is) but I don't want to be worried or sad over vacation and waiting another week isn't going to change the outcome of this pregnancy. So I am going to go with "what you don't know won't hurt you."

At least in this situation.

I hope.

Another

Another what?

Positive pregnancy test. After all, that is what I do best. Well, what L and I do best.

I actually got it last week but didn't want to post until I had more info to provide.

Before telling you I would like you to know that we have the Intralipi.d treatment set up and if it works--- it will cost about 5% of what IVIg did. So if the cost of immune testing/ treatment has been holding you back in the world of IF/ RPL--- please make an appt. with SIR.M. The whole treatment is quite affordable considering at what we look at paying for many things!!!

My 48 hour betas were the following:
1st Draw- 22, Progesterone, 23

2nd Draw- 66

I go in for another beta on Monday (today) and if that looks good we will have a treatment on Friday!

I am starting to get nervous because I realize how much faith I am putting into this treatment. I don't want to be disappointed.

Chin up though- I can do this.

Pregnancy #6 was lucky and maybe #9 will be too.

Offically One!

And with that came his first temper tantrum in public. Ahhh... the sweet sounds of hysteria and having "that kid."

I was a tough two years to get here, it was a tough year to get through- but I loved every minute and I know how truly blessed I am.

I hope that you had a fabulous birthday little man- I couldn't love anyone more!!!

Save Me From Myself

Are there days where you just do so many stupid things that you wonder, "How did I make it this far in life?"

**On a side note-- LP has seemed to chill and slept through the night last night (knock on wood...)

Serious Regression

So I have been swamped with work (I am taking on more to try and cover the car payments).

LP has decided to stop napping despite being e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d. and cries for (literally) an hour(s) at a time. So the only time I have to work is after 8pm when L is home and puts him to bed.

This is not just a cry- that's too mild. It's a bone-chilling-oh-my-god-save-me-something-is-eating-me-shrill-cry.

He cries when I hold him.

He cries when I put him down.

He cries when I try to feed him.

He cries after I have given him M.otrin.

He cries after gas drops.

He wakes up the instant I put him down in the crib (despite be sound asleep seconds before) at both nap time and bedtime.

He was sleeping solid through the night (after we did the modified CIO) for about 3 months!

Now, we are back to square one.

Is it because he is walking?

Because he is about to turn one?

Is it separation anxiety?

A combination?

I swear I am about to shoot myself. Help!

Are You Freakin' Kidding Me??

After about a two weeks of debating, we finally made the plunge to buy the "preloved" car.

We had a little extra money coming in from a side job that L held- I thought, "We'll use it for backup if there is month where I don't get work."

I came home with the car at 4:15pm.

Do you know what happened at 6:45pm?

L got an email saying that that he would be taking a 70% pay cut on that job. He never even got a warning sign that things were amiss with the company. Had we'd known we wouldn't have purchased the car.

I am trying so hard not to freak out and keep faith that God will provide a way for us.

Shit.

CD1

She arrived today so I guess I did ovulate...

I was a little upset at first but then I remembered how life was before LP, waaaay before LP.

There was a span of 8 months when I wasn't ovulating at all. I was so upset by every month that went by because I wasn't even given the chance to have a baby.

This month I have another chance to try.

So, today, I am grateful to have Cycle #2 so that I can continue my pursuit of #2.

I Wish

that I had some fabulous reason as to why I have been a slack ass in the world of blogging. But I don't. I have just been swamped, swamped with work.

However, my husband did leave today not knowing if we were going to purchase that "preloved" car or not. He said it was my decision.

Is he really trusting me or is he just flat out crazy??

Mu-wa-hahahaha ;)

So Much To Say

And so little time to say it- so here's the outline!

- Busy, busy with work. Which is good because that means a paycheck but it also means I am working with a particularly undesirable client type.

- Had a fabulous birthday! It was great and the best one I have had in several years. Score me!

- Annoyed as SIR.M and my Ob have been playing phone tag.

- But maybe not so bad because I do I have 't think I have o'ed yet. Had some sings but nothing concrete.

- Worried because the last time I didn't "o" it took me 8 months to finally get there.

- Hello, CD 20 (ugh!)

- Our little man, sweet LP, had his 11- month birthday!

- We officially have a toddler! Yes, you read that right :))))

- LP has been dying to walk but just not able to get up the courage to try. Then "wham!" he took his first steps. I was so proud of him, I immediately called my entire family.

- Keep in mind, he still prefers crawling as his mode of transportation. Wait, scratch that. He'd rather be carried :)

If Pets Reflect?

I was reading Megs blog the other day where she was talking about animals reflecting their owners behavior. If that's true, meet our dog Chase!

(Don't be alarmed- the white you see if actually blue! He is half Husky and Golden Retriever so one eye is half blue and half brown.)

Chase enjoys the following: Chocolate (which he will search out, take off tables, and pull out of bags), naps, sitting, laying in the sun, treats, and taunting our two outside cats when we aren't looking.

So basically he likes food and is lazy. Yep, I think that sums us up!

What does your pet say about you??

Oh, My!

I haven't been this excited to jump in the sack in a long time!

Hoping we catch a sticky one this month :)

The 4-1-1

Well, my period arrived about 6 hours after posting on Monday. So clearly, I am not pregnant.

But!!

I got in touch with S.IRM.

Game on.

Well...

I am fairly confident that I ovulated.

And there is a chance that I could be (get?) pregnant.

Now if only S.IRM would call me back so their office and my ob can talk. As I would like to try In.tralipids with this possible pregnancy.

I am becoming anxious about the lack of contact as I have already contacted S.IRM twice.

Now What?

I pulled out some old albums this weekend, picture albums that is. I was looking through them and thinking, "What do I do with these pictures?"

Some of them were from high school (not a lot of fond memories there). Including some of my first, true, real boyfriend. Others were from college years with drinking and smoking going on (I had a really good time my first semester of college!)

It brought back a flood of memories, and feelings, that were not all good. Yet, these experiences made me who I am. Keeping them doesn't feel any better than throwing them away.

What's been your experience?

Classic Parenting Moment

"Look mama! Look what I found!"

Apparently, this is the trendy way to add fiber to your diet.

It's All Good

So we had the consult with the new specialist. It went well and L and I are both very hopeful.

He certainly believes that my problem is immune and that I am a candidate for Intra.lipids- yay!

He suggested more immune testing and IVF but I disagree. What can further testing tell us that we don't already know? I feel like we know what works and IVF just is not an option right now (however ideal it would be). If I were 34 the option would be on the table but lets see what father time gives us before going there. Plus, it will take some serious cash.

I was only surprised by one thing he said--- he thinks I should use presnidon.e along with the the Intralipi.ds. Anyone know anything about presnido.ne? My knowledge is limited.

He also agreed to consult with our ob/gyn if he were "invited" in. She, my ob/gyn, has completely agreed. Yay again! So now I need to speak with his office to talk about initiating that process.

L and I have our plan in place and crossing our fingers! Wish us luck- as clearly we will need it :)

I've Won A Prize!!!

I feel as though I have won a popularity contest-- which is kinda cool for a reason that I will explain below. I am cheating a little as I am only nominating 4. It's just too hard because I think that all the blogs I read are fabulous...

My prize is this nifty icon to the left! Woo hoo!!

The rules for Honest Scrap are:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 (or my 4) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. These are my nominees:

- new year new ute

- Fertile Yet Infertile?

- Losses and Gains

- Which Way to Baby?

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

I'm not very interesting but I will try to dazzle you with my hum- drum life!

1. I was never considered "cool" or "popular" when I was young which is why I am excited about this nomination in particular. Thanks R&R!!

2. The people that I allow myself to argue with are the people who I trust the most--- because I know that they will still like me at the end of the day.

3. L, my sweet hubby, has no idea that I blog (or at least I don't think he does).

4. I love puns and have a soft spot for other people who do too.

5. My favorite job was working in a chocolate store where we were instructed to taste the scrumptious delights multiple times a day to "make sure it was fresh." I lost weight because I ate so much while working I had no room left over for "real" food. I ask you, does it get any better than that??

6. My parents were using all of their savings to pay for my moms treatments when she was sick. So I spoke to a Nav.y recruiter about placing her on my insurance if I joined. It didn't work out.

7. I often keep and prefer my "counselor face" in my regular/ private life. It's like bot.ox-- people are never really sure what I am thinking.

8. I love my husband dearly but on the rare occasion when we have a horrible fight I think, "What would I take with me if we had to divorce?"

9. I have found that I am happiest when I am content.

10. While I do not have an evil sister I do have an overly- dramatic frustrating sister.

In The Quiet Of Night

At night, when I am feeding Lil' P, he will often fall asleep in my arms.

It's during these moments when I just stare at his sweet, perfect face and try to capture it forever in my mind.

I wonder who he will grow up to be and if I will be lucky enough to witness it. It often leads to silent tears as I begin to imagine the pain my mom went through in being forced to let go of her family earlier than she expected.

Then the pain and hurt of losing her quickly follows.

Life and death are a certainty of life. No matter how short or long. Unfair or just. I know that there can be no great sorrow without great love. These are the things that bring balance our universe.

I find myself always hoping that if there is one thing that I accomplish in my life here on earth it is that my precious little boy will know how much I loved him. But in striving for that goal-- I know that my absence, which will surely come, will bring him pain. The same sadness that lingers just below my surface.

And I am left feeling selfish for bringing something so life-altering to another.

The Light Of My Life

Seriously?

Sorry, but I can't help it...

This is going to stimulate the economy????

Getting an extra $13.00 a week in take-home- pay for 6 months? Then $8.00 a week starting in January?

Now I know where $504.00 is going-- where is the other 790 billion?

El Stupid-o

I contacted my current RE's office for a copy of my file for my consultation at the end of the month. I also included on the disclosure that they should release my records from my previous RE.

(HIPPA guidelines do not allow for offices to release any information that they did not produce them selves.)

At the request of S.IRM I indicated that I wanted the file sent directly to me.

My current office contacted me to tell me there was a $27.00 fee for the release. After being questioned by the woman about what records I wanted I finally said, "I want a copy of the entire file." If I only wanted my 1st RE's records I would have just sent my request there, right? Right.

So what did I get today???? A copy of my very 1st RE records-- and nothing from my current RE's office.

Fuckwits.

Deep Thought

CIO ='s Suckage.

Is It Bravery?

I have made a new mom- friend through a local mothers group I go to. She has a little girl 3 months younger than Lil' P.

When we started to talk about pregnancies, the challenges of motherhood, and our husbands it naturally led back to how it all started.

I think that I am open about my fertility issues for two reasons:
1) If there is another woman out there I want her to know that she can connect with someone if she wants, who will not say all the stupid things that we here.
2) I feel like by not saying something I am ashamed of my past/ present (it makes no sense but there it is)

After telling her our struggles (including the most recent) she said, "You are very brave."

I could only respond with, "Thank you but I don't feel that way---is there anything that you wouldn't do for your little girl?"

Bearing Witness

I wish I could explain the swell of emotions that came to me this past week. It was an endless variety while some the same but in varying degrees.

Sadness, pain, and death are difficult to witness. The ability to quietly sit with someone when they are at one of their most vulnerable moments in life-- it's not easily done by many. Even by people who make it their trade.

I just wanted to say thank you for bearing witness with me. You were willing to read the words, filled with tears and pain, of my loss-- and stay with me. Offering words or comfort while acknowledging that there is really no such thing. I know that some of you will continue to hold my hand while I strive for our second child and I cannot begin to express my gratefulness.

Thank you for being with me on my journey.

Man Cold

When I recently posted on Facebook that my husband had the flu and strep-- one of my friends sent me this link.

I nearly peed my pants from laughter. Which was good because I was in desperate need of it.

I Need To Speak These Words

I am not sure where else to share the thought that I had yesterday. It's too personal to share with a person who has a face. But somehow I know you will not stand in judgement.

I could only sob while taking my medication to induce my miscarriage, I couldn't seem to stop. After doing so-- I wanted nothing more than to rip the pills out of my body because all I could think was that it would hurt my baby.

I had to remind myself that my baby was already gone. There was no one left to save. That this time, in this moment of life, it was okay to let go.

Our Plan (For Now)

After speaking with my ob I was able to leave the u/s with hope. Not much more you can ask for after an appt. like that.

We found out this pregnancy was just like our 5th pregnancy-- we lost the hb at 7w3d. I felt grateful. Grateful I never saw or knew our baby's beautiful little heart was beating. Discovering the loss of it after knowing would have been heart shattering while, at least now, it's only heart breaking.

It appears I am not going to miscarry on my own so I was prescribed some medications to help with the progression of the miscarriage. Right now, I suspect that it will be fairly painful and will consider using the Lor.itabs to help me cope.

It's one thing to cope with labor pains. Miscarriage pain is beyond painful. To go through something only to lose what you tried so hard to keep... well... I know the emotional pain, grief, will surely join the physical. I want to continue my avoidance of feelings and be 'okay'. (Sigh).

I have a follow up with my ob in two weeks. She has agreed to take a look at the info I found about the alternative to IVIg and will speak with me about it then. She believes that my problems are multi-factorial but that my greatest one is my autoimmune issue.

We are waiting to try again until we have our consult with Dr. Sh.er at SIR.M in the end of February. We are hoping and praying that he will say we can proceed with the Intra.lipid treatment.

I have conceded that unless I end up with twins, it's likely I will not get my third child. But I am refusing to give up on my desire for a second.

I will be as tenacious as the puppy with his new chew toy. I will not let go. Not yet.

This Past Sunday

This is what I heard while sitting in our church balcony, holding my husbands hand:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11

I still have every reason to hope.

I still have my faith.

All will be well.

Pregnancy #8

Is miscarriage #7.

More news to follow.

Still Waiting

So my u/s is Friday.

I have all my usual signs of miscarriage except one. I keep waiting for the cramping and such-- but nothing.

I find it quite doubtful that I have a healthy, "viable" (God, I hate that word) pregnancy and a lack of symptoms.

I am not that lucky.

A Little Political

I made sure that Lil' P and I watched the inauguration today. No matter who you voted for history was in the making. It's important that it's acknowledged and applauded.

In full disclosure, I was one of the 5.7 million people who did not vote for him. However, I am giving him 4 years to earn my vote. With that said, I hope that he guides this country safely during his presidency and may he have nothing but wisdom and health.

I must admit I am a little tired of people making him out to be the greatest icon ever. He hasn't had to do anything yet. Yet, I feel like people are already writing down in the history books that he was the greatest president ever.

I think that constantly hearing about change has left people with unrealistic expectations. Sadly, when those parameters are set up it often leads to disappointment. No one is perfect, not the last president nor our 44th. He's a human. A person. Just like you and me.

He has a lot to live up to and I can only imagine the pressure. And the relief of our last president as he passed the baton.

With all the political mud that was thrown during the election, really all elections, I was wondering. Is there a time when the new president sits in the oval office, with his closest advisers, and is given all the information about a decision his predecessor made and thinks "Oh, well, now that decision makes sense"?

There must be. I wonder what moment it will be for him.

What do you think was said when they walked into the W.hite Hous.e, for the first time, as the 1st family?

I think it went along the lines of "Holy Sh*t!!!"

Real or Not--- What Would You Pick?

So my family and I were sitting around chatting about what would make our lives easier-- because we like to talk about really deep, thought provoking things.

If money were no option, real or fantasy, the responses were the following:

My oldest sister wanted someone to do her hair everyday.

My BIL wanted a daily, full-body rub down.

L wanted someone to clean the house 2-3 times a week.

My middle sister wanted 2 additional hours to everyday but her absence would not affect anyone around her. Like a time-warp of sorts but solely for her- this way she could sleep, clean, or do whatever she wanted.

I said I would like to have a professional chef 3-4 times a week. That way I could grab healthy meals and snacks out frig or freezer anytime I wanted.

What would you pick???

Pop Confession

I would totally go see Bri.ttany Spear.s in concert.

She may be a little whorey but a fine entertainer none the less. And frankly, as of late, I could use a little non- baby entertainment in my life.

What's your pop confession??

The Abyss

I have decided that my kitchen containers are much like socks to the laundry room.

Where on earth do my lids go?????

Fantastic Alternitive To IVIg-- A Must Read

I received this information from an RPL message board. It's very exciting and offers new hope to those who have to use IVIg treatments to maintain a pregnancy due to autoimmune disorders.

S.IRM Laboratories has started using this to fight natural killer cells (NK) issues and I am currently in the midst of speaking with them to see if the treatment will help with my Leukocyte Antibodies (LAD) issue.

The best part???? The cost is only 10% of what IVIg is!!!!
***********

Intralipid

About a year ago, we began evaluating the effect of Intralipid in patients who had activated Natural Killer cells, and for whom IVIG therapy would otherwise be indicated. Thus far we have treated more than 30 women with Nka using Intralipid 20%. More than 60% of the patients achieved viable ongoing pregnancies, showing Intralipid therapy to be at least as effective (and perhaps even more so) than IVIG. There were no significant side effects and patient tolerance of this treatment was high. We anticipate that patients receiving Intralipid will soon start reporting on their experience using Intralipid, on various discussion boards.

Against this background, SIRM physicians have collectively decided to virtually abandon further use of IVIG, in favor of Intralipid.

Fudge

Well, I think my ob is trying to kill me.

The u/s is scheduled 2 weeks from now.

Here's hoping that if I really am going to miscarry that I will do so before hand. Otherwise, I will be hopeful and extra crushed if the appointment is a bust.

I typically miscarry about 7-8 weeks but have gone as long as 11.

(Sigh).

And life continues.

Nothing New

The title pretty much just says it all.

I have conceded that this pregnancy is over but I can still feel the smallest sliver of hope lingering in the back of my mind... stupid hope.

I will be getting a call from my ob's office tomorrow informing me of what will occur next- blood work or ultrasound. It'll be one.

There are brief discussions going on inside our house about what steps will be taken after this. All them make me want to cry and leave me feeling anxious and like a failure.

I'm Bad At Math

And this is one math problem I can't seem to get wrong.

So if you see another way I am open to discussion. But no matter how many different ways I look at this I can't seem to come out on a positive.

I started to miscarry (#7) around Nov. 6th and that took a week.

I found out about this pregnancy on the Dec 9th. So it would be physically impossible for me to be any earlier than 3 weeks on that day, right?? Then that would mean I would have to be at least 6 weeks today.

I measured 5 weeks with no sign of a fetal pole. Just a nice little sac with yolk.

My doctor was out today and won't be in until next week. I suspect she will do another u/s if I haven't started spotting or miscarrying by then. Then, if that's inconclusive, I imagine that she will do more labs. L is just frustrated with me and thinks I am "not giving our baby a chance" that I am being too pessimistic.

I just don't see how this can end any other way, the math isn't making sense.

I am just so sad. I don't see how I can keep doing this.

It's times like this when I hate hope the most. It juts leaves me feeling hurt, sad, and empty.

Damn it.

Cheers To A New Year

Hoping your new year brings you peace and many unexpected joys!

My Bad Peoples

The decision to actually have a u/s was made today but it will actually take place later this week. I will post when I am ready as the day could bring many things. Thanks for caring about me :)

The Finale of Christmas Favorites: Pictures

A picture to treasure for years to come.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Tuesday: The Results Show

It's slightly more clear--- quick recap:

1st draw--- Hcg (6), Progesterone (25.3)

2nd draw after 48 hours--- Hcg (25), No Progesterone taken

3rd draw (5 days later)--- Hcg (337), Progesterone (18)

Now---

4th draw (6 days later)--- Hcg (4,437), Progesterone (29.2)

My doctor was out but my trusty nurse called anyway (I love her!). She believes that a u/s will be ordered next and I concur. Monday is when I will know the final decision. I am just taking this one step at a time right now...

Day 2 of Christmas Favorites: Ornaments

I have no idea why this is one of my favorite ornament- it just is!

What's yours?

Day 1 of Christmas Favorites: Cookies!

This is a recipe that I made two years ago- it now has a cultish following.

L's family requests it every year for Christmas, it was the only thing my SIL could eat when she was pregnant with her first. Last year, my ob (including her staff) requested the recipe when I made them for the office-- she actually asked me twice for it. I really thought she was just being polite the first time she asked- my bad! Now, my sister and dad ask for it each Christmas Eve. I have to make a double batch these days. The picture to the right is what the completed cookie should look like.

The recipe, Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies, was originally in this book. It has many great recipes, but try not to be alarmed about the amount of butter many of them call for :) This cookie and may others are great for any special (or non-special occasion). I hope you get the chance to try this!

So here it is---

1 cup sugar
1/2 cup softened butter
1 egg
1-1/2 tsp. vanilla
1-1/2 cup flour
1/4 cup unsweetened coco powder
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 jar of halved marashino cherries (save the juice)
1- 6oz. pkg. a semi- sweet chocolate (pieces- I use bakers chocolate)
1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk

1. Beat sugar and butter together until fluffy
2. Add egg and vanilla- mix well
3. In seperate bowl- flour through salt- mix well
4. Shape dough into balls
5. Indent center (I use a 1/4 tsp to do this step)
6. Place half cherry in each indention
7. In a sauce pan- melt together tne chocolate pieces and sweetened milk. Once melted add cherry juice until spreadable consistency.
8. 1/2 to 1 tsp. of chocolate sauce on top of each cherry (cover the cherry)
9. Bake @ 350 for 13-15 minutes

Please share your favorite Christmas cookie-- Happy Baking Everyone!!

(Sigh)...

Well, it's still unclear.

1st draw--- Hcg (6), Progesterone (25.3)

2nd draw after 48 hours--- Hcg (25), No Progesterone taken

3rd draw (5 days later)--- Hcg (337), Progesterone (18)

My doctor was out today but I am pretty sure that she will put me suppositories at least once daily tomorrow. I would be okay if she wanted to do another draw. The drop in progesterone is not inspiring.

So we are continuing to wait and see. I just feel so disheartened right now.
*************
Added 12/18--- I will be on 200mg of prometrium nightly and more blood work on Monday. The results show will be Tuesday.

Duct Tape At Work

It really does fix everything.

Second Draw

says (in voice of family feud)... !

Hcg- 25.

I wasn't going to be pleased with anything under 36 to be honest. I feel like it went up just "enough". Does that make sense?

Also, here is a quick history of the last month and tell me what you think---

11/6- m/c

11/20- follow up (this the start of the 3rd week since m/c)

12/4 and 12/6- negative h.pt (this is the start of week 5 since m/c)

12/08- positive hp.t (this is middle of week 5 since m/c)

Are there any guesses as to how far along you think I am? I just wish I had some kind of idea. If it's any more than 12dpo then it's not looking good.

There was no progesterone draw this time. Assuming that my doctor wants more lab work on next Tuesday, and I am guessing she will, there will be one then.

The numbers on Tuesday will be back Wednesday so I will post then, unless of course, I miscarry before then. Until then, we will just wait and see--- such is the life of an RPL'er.

Crown, Sash, or Septor?

Which one do you think I should get for myself? I personally like the idea of a septor. Then I can whack people when they irritate me--- [grin]

None of you were around in my early days but I have decided that I am officially reclaiming my title as 'Most Fertile RPL'er' E.V.E.R.

I started to feel like I was pregnant late last week so I took an E.p.t and it came out negative. I decided to give it another day or two and Saturday morning E.p.t still said negative. So I went through the weekend and these situations kept arising that O.N.L.Y occur when I am pregnant. So I broke down, got my trusty CBE D.igitals (because I hate staring at an hpt for hours trying to "see" if I see line) and it popped up "pregnant".

I go to my OB's office that morning, without calling, to get my bloodwork completed- because you know we roll like that- and they call me back today with the numbers.

It's a 6.

Who the hell gets a 6 for an hcg (beta) number???? I have n.e.v.e.r gotten a number that low, even in my one chemical pregnancy. Seriously, a 6????

Either this pregnancy is waaaaaay super early or I have a chemical pregnancy waiting to happen.

I asked my nurse if it even counted since it was so low, she said it does. My progesterone is a 25.3 so at least that indicates pregnancy (and that was fasting if you are wondering).

I spoke to one of my friends about this--- she suggested I take another pregnancy test. The reasoning being that, if it were a chemical pregnancy, it wouldn't turn up positive again. But blast! I had already gone to the bathroom. I think I will try this again in a few hours. Or maybe not. This will end up how ever it's going to end up.... (sigh). L has threatened to stop having s.ex with me because every time I end up pregnant.

I think my new tag line will be----

A perpetual state of pregnancy since 2005!

***********
Edited 4:10pm-- CBE Digital Retake says 'pregnant'

Intersting Effect

I have a friend from high school who was pretty flighty. I love her but seriously, she didn't always act like the sharpest knife in the drawer. Although, it wasn't because she wasn't smart- if that makes any sense.

Another friend from high school was fairly defiant with her parents (i.e-sneaking out of the house with boys at the age of 12).

Both of them had children very young, before the age of 20. What amazes me is I have never seen two people as grounded as these two women are. They are amazing and they love their children dearly and are raising them to be good, honest people.

I wonder why children can't have this effect on everyone.

When Does It Change?

So (un)complicate me inspired this post when she spoke about "going home" as in, her parents house. Not the home she currently lives in with her husband J and expects to bring her little one home to.

This got me thinking about my little quirk---

I have lived in the same state for over 7 years I still don't know how to answer the question, "Where are you from?" I typically reply, "Where do I live or where did I grow up?" Now, to be upfront, I usually ask this because people notice that I have an accent [insert eye roll here].

I anticipate that this will change when I have lived in my current place of residence the same amount of time as my childhood home.

Any quirks that you want to share????

Grab The Cheese

Because I am about to "wine". I love my son but I am about to whine about how he is quickly growing up ~~sniff~~ and getting sick.

I feel like this month has just raked me over the coals. I am so, so tired and Lil' P hasn't slept well in over a month. It's just been one thing after another with him lately.

Physically---
He got a double ear infection at the start of the month.
Then he went through a growth spurt that I swear lasted a week.
Then he got a "rash" that turned out to be Eczema.
Then he got his 6 month vaccinations and his flu shot.
Over Thanksgiving weekend he got another double ear infection.
And he officially cut his first tooth today.

Developmentally---
Just after 5-1/2 months he had learned to straight up without help.
Just shy of 6 months he started eating solid foods.
A week after that he started rolling over from his back to stomach.
Then another week went by and he could easily go from stomach to back.
Now he is able to pick things up with one hand.
And is constantly getting onto his stomach (despite this maneuver making him cry) so he can try to crawl.
The boy cannot stay still- even during the 30 minutes that he does sleep he is still moving!

All these things are great and exciting but when they all occur at the same time time it equals poor, poor sleep. For everyone. Do you know that one night he didn't go to sleep until 2am???? Mostly, it's remarkably, and sadly, close to the new born stage in how he sleeps-- a block of three hours and one hour blocks thereafter.

Me---
I got one more small work project and a big one.
And I am sick.
Did I mention how tired I was?

Glad you grabbed the cheese while I supplied the "wine"???

Primary v. Secondary

I always wondered about the difference between those who had primary infertility and secondary. Sometimes I wonder if I count as primary since truly I was, and still am, and RPL'er. However, do often link myself to those suffering with primary infertility. Can an RPL'er be infertile????

Since, in this discussion, I was a primary I can tell you how hard it was... or is depending on your point of view. You have the constant wondering if you will even have a family. If you will ever have the precious, sticky, pregnancy. If the fertility issue goes on long enough you start to bargain with God or the universe. You say, "If you just give me one healthy child I will..." Sadly, if you are at that point then you are already aware of what your odds are-- and that not every couple gets the pregnancy they so desperately want or deserve.

In the beginning of Lil' P's pregnancy I was always happiest when I felt the worst. Of course I was anxious and worried, but if I was feeling bad I knew there was some hope. Then as the pregnancy progressed each time I found myself not being able to get close enough to the counter, or needing to get off my feet because I knew that my back would surely break, or tossing and turning trying to get into a comfortable sleep-- I was smiling on the inside that I was given a healthy pregnancy. While times of the pregnancy were challenging, I loved each and every minute because I didn't know if I would be given another chance.

As a secondary, I think that a couple, or family, sit there in as much surprise as the primary couple. It was likely very easy the first time and now they are trying to figure out what went wrong. What changed. Maybe they look back at their first pregnancy and say, "I wish I had paid closer attention to my pregnancy-- I wish I had tried to enjoy it more." Do they wish they had complained less about the swollen ankles, the morning sickness, or the back aches? Perhaps, it is significantly more difficult for them because they didn't know it could be their last and only time.

What do you think? What was your experience?

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope that everyone has safe travels and a wonderful, peaceful holiday!

Poor Posting Week

Sorry I have not commenting on everyones blog like I usually do (or posting on mine). It's been crazy this week for the following reasons---

- I finally have a work project. Not a big one but I will take it. It means money- Yay!
- My sister hurt her back and I have been trying to help her out.
- Lil' P has NOT been sleeping well at all.
- It seems like he is sick every other day, so we are at the doctors office every other day.
- I am helping one of my friends look for jobs here as she, and her family of 4, are possibly relocating.
- And of course I am trying to read the 4th book of the Twli.ght series.

That about all- and I hope all is well in your world!!

Team Jacob

So I have been reading the book series Tw.light. I know, I know-- it's for teens! But after several recommendations from friends and family I finally caved. I will try not to go into too much detail as there could be someone out there who is still waiting to finish the series. Hell, I still haven't started the 4th book! But I will have to describe some of what is going on-- so be forewarned there is a spoiler ahead!

While sad, the turn of events is this series truly does keep me up at night. I actually dream about. (Yes, I realize that I am a little over zealous!)
***********

The main character, Bel.la, has found herself in love triangle.

Edwar.d is her first love. The first person she ever really gave herself too. It's full of passion and excitement-- drama. She is mesmerized by his smile, his laugh. She is incomplete without him. She is consumed by his mere presence.

Then you have J.acob. Solid, kind, warm, and easy to be with. Safe. There is drama within their relationship but it pales in comparison. At one point in the book she describes him as her "sun... who fills the holes in my [her] life."

Now---

Aren't all first loves completely consuming? Aren't they all filled with drama? Isn't the drama what gives the couple the passion? I mean, I know mine was. I was so in love with my first real boyfriend. I would have given just about anything to be back with him after we broke up. I felt completely lost without him. This went on for about two years. I realize that there is still a part of me that still loves him. That always will.

Then I found L. L and I defiantly had drama in our relationship at first (and still do at times) but there was still so much more. We were able to grow together-- find balance within our relationship. My infatuation, I guess ours, turned to something deeper. I feel like we are the package that I always talked about wanting. Safe. Solid. L would have to do something very dramatic in order to lose me, and vice versa- but let's not go there.

Here is what my problem is--- I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why she would choose Edward. Why? I find myself wanting pull her out of the book, slap her, and give her reality check. How is she willing to throw away the comfort and safety of someone she loves, Jacob? Someone she can trust? Someone who has never left her? How can she sign herself up for an eternity of drama? Why is she so willing to leave her friends and parents, her loved ones, behind? She has no idea what is in store for Edward. No idea what could happen to him, when/if he could be killed. And she could be left with an eternity to cope the aftermath. Why would you sign up for something like that???

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

A Friendship Changed

I felt I would share my experience after reading about Mel's Bad Breakup.

I had a friendship change with one simple comment. We are still friends but she has no idea that she changed our friendship forever one night. If you have read my blog recently you know that I lost my mom and my first pregnancy within days of each other.

My friend and I had met at summer camp when we were 9-- so at the time we had been friends for about 16 years. She was my maid-of-honor at my wedding and we had seen each other through much over the years. Looking back, I know her comment was more about where she was in her life but it doesn't change what happened.

I had just made the 8 hour trip back to my parents house after finding out that I was likely going to miscarry and found that my mom had stopped talking and opening her eyes while I was gone. I called her because I was a wreck, bawling my eyes out. I needed a voice of comfort, someone who I thought would just love me and listen- someone who wasn't consumed in their own grief. I will never forget her response as I choked out between sobs what had happened.

She said, "How can you be surprised with all the stress you have been under?"

My trust in her was broken in that instant and things changed forever.

Your Title

So I was wondering how you came up with the title of your blog. Did you ponder it for days or did it just come to you? Was it an epiphany-- an "ah-ha!" moment? Or did you know the moment you started typing?

Mine was pretty straight forward---

I decided I wanted to start a blog because I needed to get out my emotions somehow while still being a little creative. I started to think about fertility and how I once heard a friend say it was "easy to become a mom"--- I thought "Ha! What a load of crap!"

While accurate, I didn't think that was the best blog title so here you have it--- Motherhood (the not so easy road)

Honoring Mom

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death.

Often, when I think of my mom, I remember a lilac bush that we had in front of our house growing up. We would open our windows when the weather warmed- and if the breeze was just right the scent of the lilacs would pour into our house. It always made her smile...

It's hard for me to be a mom without a mom. There are so many questions I want answered. So many days when I just cry from not knowing what to do and wishing she was just a phone call away. I valued our friendship and trust deeply-- we were so much alike.

God, how I miss her.

I pray that she can feel my love all the way in heaven, especially today.

In Line for My Rainbow

I am really not a pessimist-- though I suspect many of you think I am. I am just very honest about how I feel and think. I understand my reality quite well and it took me two years to accept it.

I have officially started to miscarry today as I suspected I would. And I am just very, very sad.

The loss of this little baby will leave a little mark on my heart along with his or her brothers and sisters. I guess once an RPL'er always an RPL'er.

I wrote this post not long ago. In it I spoke about how if you have a problem you are in line for a miracle. Does wanting another child still make me in line for one? Is wanting a miracle twice, maybe even three times, too much to ask for one couple- one family- one lifetime? Does it make me selfish? I don't know. But I hope that God still considers me in line.

The pain and sadness is just as deep as it ever was but the depth of anxiety and fear that was ever present in my previous losses has disappeared. The wondering if I will ever feel a baby move or hold a child, well, it's gone-- I am blessed with my little boy. My sweet Lil' P. And if our son is the only earth bound child we ever have, while L and I will be deeply sad, we will know how blessed we are-- and we will be okay.

There are two things I have learned throughout my short experience of life- it's that love knows no time or distance. And my family of nine -nine!- knows how much I love each of them.

And that in order to see a rainbow the rain must have already passed you by.

Childhood Story

In fairness, since I am sharing my story-- I think that you should post yours on your blog and leave a link so we can all read too! Come on- it'll be fun!!
****************

So there is a story about me when I was growing up that my family just loooooves to tell. (I always picture my mom trying so hard not to hysterically laugh when I think of this story---)

Picture it, Michigan, 1982, summertime. A little girl sits on her family's back porch and just cries and cries as her mother and sisters bury the family bird Sunshine (he was yellow). After the burial, the little girl just continues to sob.

The mother, thinks "I had no idea she was so attached to that bird..." So she sits down next to weeping girl hoping to find some words of comfort. After a few minutes the mother begins to talk quietly and attempts to engage her in some conversation. The truth of the tears is soon revealed--

The little girl is crying because the boxed used for the burial was the one her new shoes had come in-- and believes the family buried her shoes along with the bird.

(In my defense, those shoes were totally kickin'!!! They were cute white patent shoes, you know the shiny kind with the silver buckle?? You would have cried too.... hmph!)

A Not So Happy Halloween For This Cat

This is one pissed off kitty---

Gifts

Thank you again for all the support you have offered- you all are so sweet and kind. It's nice to have so many people holding my hand through this.

I thought that I would have a check in and share some things that I have been thinking about.

As far a symptoms- I don't have many. There are times when I have food aversions but it comes and goes. I only have waves of nausea and it seems to occur about 8pm and sometimes when I am up feeding Lil' P at 2am. However, I am not sure if that is because I have started to take my Metformin in the afternoon. (Does anyone have any idea when it starts to take effect???) More often, I have days where I feel like food is just sitting at the top of my throat (although I don't really think that's a symptom). Other than that I have breast tenderness that sometimes keeps me from falling asleep.

I am not feeling very confident about this pregnancy. I know that all pregnancies are different but this one reminds me more of the ones where I have miscarried than of Lil' P's. I feel like every symptom I have can be logically explained. And it just makes me sad. I feel sad for what could be. Hope still lingers but I also know my reality.

As I was re-reading people's comments I thought about how grateful I was that no one offered the "C" word. I think that most people would think that it's strange- I think it's a little strange. It got me thinking...

Congratulations are given and said to people when exciting things are going to happen. Such as people getting married or newly married, a new job, a promotion, a new car, a new home or apartment, and of course having a baby on the way. These are the wonderful, exciting things-- these things bring hope and joy. A reason for celebration.

I remember still being excited when I was pregnant the second time. I thought, "After everything I have been through, surely God wouldn't do this to me a second time." We were hopeful and excited- even told family and some friends. People offered their congratulations-- and it was heartbreaking to have to tell these same people that there was nothing to be celebrated anymore. There was no new baby coming. Again. Much like Pavlov's theory-- the word soon had a negative association instead of a positive one.

So when I hear, "Congratulations!", it assumes that something good and joyful is going to happen-- and that is just not my life. It's not my history.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that pregnancy to me, to many, is a beautiful, precious gift. It's a gift that I gladly accept and protect to the best of ability no matter how narrow of a scope that is--- but I also know it is not always a gift I get to open.

Two Worlds Collide

Guarded

Thank you to all who posted-- I had no idea that so many people stopped by my blog or maybe there were some first timers in there (not that it matters). All the warmth and positive energy you sent warmed my heart. Thank you.

Guarded is the best word to describe how I am emotionally right now.

Before I tell you what my number was I want to tell you briefly about my first pregnancy. The one that started my RPL rollercoaster. When I got a positive pregnancy test and called the doctor, like many of us do, they took my hcg level twice. It went up like it should. I had fading symptoms but still had them.

At 10 weeks, 5 days after my dad called and said they were putting my mom in hospice, I was to have my first u/s. I left my mom's side to go and before leaving I told her I would bring her back a picture of our baby, her second grandchild.

When I looked at the u/s screen it was heartbreaking. Gut wrenching, tear my heart out through my throat, pour acid into my eyes painful. The u/s screen was empty. Just empty- no sac, no anything. N.o.t.h.i.n.g. The doctor thought that I had gotten my dates wrong- in fact he insisted I got my dates wrong. I knew better though. He further insisted that I get another hcg level done- it was over 27,000. My mom died November 7th. Three days later my numbers plummeted, the cramping began, and my miscarriage started. My world just fell apart, crumbled-- and I was helpless.

This is why I am guarded-- I have been here before. In this very place with similar symptoms and all.

My hcg number went from 43 to 140 in 48 hours.

My doctor scheduled my u/s in two weeks-- Nov. 7th 8:30 am.

Corpus Luteum

I debated. And then I debated some more. Then I decided not to. Then I decided I would. Then I decided I wouldn't. Buuuut, then again, maybe I should.

Finally, I decided that I wanted my blog to be about honesty. Despite my not wanting my IRL friends to know-- because I am just not ready-- my desire to be honest won out. So here is this post.
***********

Corpus Leuteum??? Is it a suburb of Corpus Christie? Or a small town just north of it? No. No, my friends. It is not.

Corpus Luteum. Funny word when you say it. In the world of fertility, it's the follicle that produces progesterone when a women ovulates. This same crater-esk follicle continues to produce progesterone during pregnancy until the placenta can take over which occurs around 10-11 weeks.

Now, just about any RE will tell you they like the progesterone level over 20 when a woman is pregnant. Especially, a reproductively challenged woman. Some even speculate that progesterone levels are affected by eating and should only be taken while fasting. But the whole fasting thing? That just depends on your doctor...

What does this have to do with me? What does this have to do with me. That is a great question.

My hcg (beta) is 43.
My progesterone is 18.9.

No, I only have a general idea of how far along I am.

Yes, I did eat before I went in for my labs.

No, I am only seeing my ob right now.

Yes, I am going in for a second lab tomorrow.

Yes, I am currently on all my standard meds right now.

No, I will not find out the second set of numbers until Friday.

Yes, I know that the first numbers don't mean a lot without the second.

No, the numbers combined still won't mean anything to me.

Yes, my numbers have doubled in the past and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been lower and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been as high as 35 and I have still miscarried.

No, really, I am happy about this pregnancy and pray I get to meet this child soon.

Yes, I am more anxious than I would care to verbally express right now.

The Tasty Aroma of Fall

Since I am still not working (don't ask...) I find that I enjoy letting my creative side run free by trying new recipes. So I have been cooking or baking new recipes about 2-3 times a week for quite sometime. The recipes I try are generally healthy and cheap.

I always choose recipes that are easy to make and sound like they will make good left overs because in our house we are short on time and cash!

I am obsessed with cookies and fall so when I saw this recipe it seemed perfect for me to try!

I made this heavenly Iced Pumpkin Cookie recipe the other day. The house was filled with the warm aroma of pumpkin pie spices all day and night. It still hung slightly in the air the following morning-- it was a nice way to stick my nose out from underneath the covers :) I thought I should share it here and encourage you all to start baking this recipe (and hope that some of you actually do it!)

As I experimented with this recipe I discovered a few things--- 1) it's good without the icing
2) this cookie is a very moist, soft, and bread like so if you want it heavier, then you should add extra flour 3) while I am not a fan of having nuts in or on my food, the pecans really add that extra something it was missing 4) the icing really doesn't need that 1 tbsp. of butter (I accidentally discovered it melted in the microwave the following day - oops!)

After making the cookies I went back and looked at the comments-- I am going to take some of the suggestions the next time I bake these (because there will be a next time)! I will substitute the 1/2 cup of white sugar for brown, add crushed pecans by folding them into the dough, and will not put them in air tight container (I read this before I placed them in one- whew!)

I hope you take chance and try this recipe--- Happy Baking!!!

Listening to the Sweet Silence

I Remember

Though he would never say anything I know that L often looks at the ribbon on the back of my car and wonders if I will ever take it off. But it's how I let my little angels know I still honor them daily- and how much I miss them.

Over the years I have thought about my 5 angels. I wonder if they gave up their lives because they new that Lil' P had a great purpose to serve here on earth. Or if the prayer I said had anything to do with their having to leave. As I lost more babies the prayer became more gut wrenching to say but it always remained the same-- Dear God, Please let this baby stay with me, I want them so deeply it hurts and I am tired of my arms feeling empty. I want them to live a happy, long, healthy life here on earth but their health and happiness means more to me than my wanting them. So if their life cannot be this, then please take them into your loving arms and keep them safe.

Sending love, hugs, and kisses all the way to heaven... today and everyday.

That Stings

I am annoyed. And hurt.

My sisters and I planned to have family pictures done, with my dad, as his birthday present. This has been planned for two months. We told him to schedule something for that day but didn't tell him why- it was going to be a surprise. We were going to tell him this weekend at the family birthday celebration (which K is attending- K is his new girlfriend for those just tuning into the chaos that is sometimes my life).

We scheduled it for a day that was less than ideal because it was the only time we were all available. The actual day of the pictures was going to be difficult for a number of reasons...
1. These would be the first pictures of our family without mom.
2. The pictures would be taken one day after the anniversary of her death.
3. The pictures would be taken two days after what would have been her 62nd birthday.

He forgot and scheduled a trip. Plane tickets are bought.

This is so typical of my dad and I know- I know!- that he hasn't even put the dates together in his head yet. But that's not what stings...

He is scheduled to leave, the day of my mom's birthday, to go visit K's family.

Niiiiice Dad. Nice.

What makes me feel even more guilty? Is continuing to feel so hurt and annoyed, at both him and K, knowing that she has no idea what-so-ever.

It's Just A Box

It's just a little box that I picked up for a "just in case" scenario. This box is in almost every store across America and Europe. What's the big deal? It's just a box with some sticks inside.

But if it's really just a box how does it evoke so many different emotions in just a few seconds? Just staring at it in the isle... the waves of emotion flooded every sense of my being.

Anxious. Excited. Hopeful. Dread. Worry. Fear. Sadness. Guilt. Happy. Love. Curiosity.

My hand was shaking and my heart was fluttering as a I reached down for that little blue box. I felt as if I was somehow sealing my fate.

Life Events and Miracles

It's funny to me how a 5 month old (which he is today!) can already have a life event.

Not only was it a life event but the occasion of where it occurred seems to have greater and greater family significance as the life that L and I have created continues.

Lil' P was baptized last month in the same church that L's parents were married in, that my parents renewed their vows in, and that L and I were married in.

I couldn't help but tear up as I held Lil' P in my arms standing next to L. 4 years and 1 month, to the exact day, L and I stood on the same alter and took our vows to become man and wife. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health... and in our first 4 years together I feel like we have faced it all. So many things have had happened in our first 4 years of marriage that most couples don't face in their first 10- but we were lucky and our challenges brought us closer together. In it's own way, I consider that in it's self a miracle- our first miracle.

And there we were, blessed again, holding our second miracle. We were making the promise to God that we would make sure that Lil' P had a relationship with Him, know His love and that we, along with our church and family, would raise him to be a good person. Lil' P, our little earth baby, allowed us to speak for him that day. I felt so humbled, so grateful.

The sermon that day was about the "Anatomy of Miracles". The minister said that nowhere in the Bible is there a miracle that occured that was not directly linked to a problem.

So, if you have a problem it's a good thing- today might be your day to experience a miracle.

Fall Colors

Note Worthy Wednesday (Or Maybe Not)

- When L took Lil' P to his parents house on Saturday, it took a lot of strength for me to not cry.

- My a** is bigger and my boobs are smaller, how's that fair?????

- I saw myself in some recent pictures and was less than impressed with how I looked. So I am now trying to lose 11 pounds and using a website called Spar.kPeople.com. It's a great site and I would encourage anyone who is interested in losing weight to go look at it.

- I have started back on my PCOS diet (low carbs and sugars)... I miss not having to think about what and how much I am eating.

- I will start back to work early October, the second week. I am nervous because Lil' P and I have just started to get into a routine, now I am going to screw it all up. How am I going to add working to all the other things that I do??? Like I told R&R earlier, the label "working mother" annoys me because I believe it's redundant.

- I got my period back. It was the nicest period I have ever had in my life- it was practically painless. Amazing. And why do they call periods "Aunt Flow"? You would think that women would have given it a nickname relating to a man, only a man would cause a woman so much grief.

- I believe that my dreams sometime tell me about my future- particularly when I wake up still feeling whatever emotion was evoked during my dream. In my dream earlier this week L and I were pregnant with our 2nd baby and we were walking into our u/s. I am guessing that it was around the 20th week because we were still debating if we should find out the sex- we decided not too as she was putting the wand on my stomach. Somehow I knew in my dream that conceiving our 2nd child was not nearly as difficult as our 1st, that it was in fact, easy. I woke up feeling so, so very happy. I hope and pray this is an accurate premonition.

- L and I are starting to talk about number 2. We know that we will not prevent but will certainly not try- at least not anytime soon. We both agree that while it would be less than ideal to become pregnant right now, as a pregnancy could result in another earth baby, we wouldn't want to lick a gift horse in the mouth.

- I still feel like I would love to have 3 kids... and I feel so greedy about that.

The Sky This Morning

I Heart L

I love L for the following reason- he is taking Lil' P to his parents house tomorrow from 10am - 6pm.

I am looking forward to shopping for workout clothes, baking cookies, and soaking my feet. I will also attempt to read and nap.

I feel guilty but I am so, so excited :)

Working Past Memories

I have not made it a secret on this blog that I lost my mother, three years ago this November, to cancer. Nor do I hide the fact that she was my best friend.

I also have not made it secret that I am less than thrilled with my father dating again. While this woman (K), who has been around for 4 months, is not the hussy that I have envisioned in my head she is not what I imagined either. If that makes any sense.

We celebrated my nephews 3rd birthday last week at my sister's house and the immediate family was there for the celebration-while I was having over the top reactions to K. She was there playing with my nephew and letting my 10 month-old niece use her as a walking stick. All I could think was, "It should be my mom here, not this woman." Later on that day, my dad handed Lil' P to her so she could hold him and it took all my will power to not snatch him out of her arms.

In small amount of time I have been given to know K this what I have learned... she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not like my mom. Sweet as can be but lacks the independence and self confidence that I admire in women. That I admired in my mom. K doesn't have the sharp, witty (if I do say so myself), sarcastic sense of humor that my sister's and I have. We got our sense of humor from mom. What K does have, that my mom did have, was the ability to be welcoming to all those she meets.

I realized that night, as I was thinking about my reactions to K, that it reminds me of when you start dating again after a lengthy relationship that you didn't end. You meet someone and say, "They are nice but they aren't so-and-so" or "I liked it better when so-and-so did..." You do this until you meet someone who makes the memory of your lost relationship fade.

Like a new boyfriend that you shouldn't compare to the old one, I need to stop comparing this woman to my mom.

No one could live up to her and fill her shoes. No other woman will ever come close being my mom. No one will or can ever replace her -but my mom's memory is not going to fade. While time has started to dull the pain, my mom lives on and continues to love through me, her family, and her grandchildren.

That is something that will not change- ever. I need to learn to let these two women coexist peacefully. I just don't know how.

Diggin' It

I am not talking about that old country song (do you remember that one- 'I'm Diggin' It'???)

I am talking about the new dashboard for blogger :) It allows you to follow the blogs that you always read, without all the clicking!!! Love it...

A Parent's Secret

A baby changes everything. (Tell me something I didn't realize...)

Once you see your baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love. (Duh!)

These are said to every first time mom.

I think that we were prepared for the part where a baby changes everything. Boy, did things change... I was prepared for the night time feedings, not being able to go where I wanted when I wanted. However, I lacked the foresight to consider the emotional drain it would all take, especially when I was (am) exhausted.

Once you hold you baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love.

Huh. Ummm, that didn't happen so much for me and L.

Please understand, of course we loved our son. We loved all our babies and we wanted everyone of them. But I didn't feel that rush that so many moms talk about when I first held him. I was thrilled (and tired) smiled and said, "So you are the one who has been kicking me all this time." And L? Hell, he sobbed when Lil' P finally arrived into the world and was still crying when he called his family.

It was an odd experience to suddenly have a whole other person present. Boom, there he is. Now, take him home, care for him, raise him to be a good, caring person, and you have sole responsibility of him for the next 18 years. PS- you will be judged by those around you whether they admit it or not. (That's what I heard in my head anyway).

I was surprised by my lack of "falling". L felt the same way and perhaps this is what helped us establish our new hats as parents also helping us create a new/different bond between us. The bond I felt was different than everyone else and I felt so guilty about that. I thought something was wrong with me.

As the weeks rolled by I grew to love him and have since fallen head over heals for him. I realize, now, that for me to love him like all other parents love their little ones, or to get that "falling" feeling, I had to get to know him. I needed to learn his tickle spots, what songs he liked (even the made up ones), what made him laugh and smile, how he liked to held, and what all his different cries meant.

In the short 4 months that I have known him L and I have learned so much about him- and we love him dearly for who he is becoming. While I used to snicker at the old saying, "I love you more everyday" I have found it certainly now applies in our home.

Come On, It'll Be Fun

I snagged this from Alison and then saw it on Leah's and wanted to join in on the fun...

The Name Game

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Rags Civic (this sooo not a rock star's name)

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Moose Tracks Extreme Flip Flop

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Blue Cat

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Christine Mt. Clemens

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Lassam

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Frappichino

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Mick James

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Warm Vanilla Twix

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Myers Missoula

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Sunflower (this should so be my stripper, I mean, "dancer" name)

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Strawberry Pajama Bottoms

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Sausage Biscuit Red Maple (now I sound like a fat Hippie)

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Rags Werner

It's So Petty I Should Be Ashamed (but I'm not!)

I can be very petty at times and here is the most recent reason why but you will need a little back story first...

My high school boyfriend (who was my first everything) and I dated for 2-1/2 years and things fizzled out when I went to college but we tried to remain friends after the break up. He stopped talking to me because his new girlfriend didn't like it (and who can blame her??? I mean, I am fabulous!!) Well, that really hurt me and I never quite got over it...

An old high school friend of mine emailed me the other day. She said that he came into her place of work and she didn't recognize him until she heard him speak- his receding hairline made him look so different...

hehehehehehe...

Oh Hippo, How I Love Thee