Well...

Shit.

We have a leak in our basement and in our roof. Talk about getting it from both ends.

Hope and Peace

I wanted to light these candles on this Christmas Eve as a prayer for everyone. No matter what God you pray to I hope that love is brought into your life this holiday season and that peace fills your new year.

Baking, Wrapping... And A Wrench

Baking and wrapping have pretty much summed up the last week for me. Super fun... not!

Well, some of it was fun as I got to try two new cookie recipes. Either way- the baking is done and the wrapping continues.

On a definite irritating note, after driving 1-1/2 hours one way to RE's office to get my b/w done and of course waiting another 20 minutes... the lab tech tells me the lab they used to send my LAD (my immune b/w) no longer does my test. Oh, and haven't found a new lab that does.

And there is my wrench.

Then And Now

***pregnancy mentioned***

Mr. Dr. Perinatologist man said on Friday that everything looks great! We have a normal healthy pregnancy- can you believe it?! I have been enjoying the excitement of hearing that news all weekend so in celebration I am going to share then and now pictures :)

Here is baby then (6w5d)... see the little speck in there? You can actually see a heartbeat in the picture! And Lil' P fits inside this whole picture but...
Here is Lil' P now (19w3d)... weighing in at 11oz. and can no longer fit completely inside the frame!

Due to all the medications I am on Mr. Dr. Peri said that we can come back at 32 weeks to check out the blood flow but there is no reason to worry at this point. The placenta is now placed about 1 in. above the opening of the cervix and no longer considered "low lying". During the appointment I turned to L and asked if he was sure that he didn't want to find out the sex of the baby. He looked at me and said, "Do you want it as your Christmas present?" And I said....

Wait for it...


"It's up to you."


Of course I was thinking yes!!! But I also know that this is really important to L and we had an agreement. So we didn't find out. It's still a surprise... wish we knew but still glad we don't. Just going to bask in the glow of this healthy baby for a while. Lil' P has been texting more lately although mostly when I am laying down.

One cool thing that we learned was that she (don't get excited when not using the name Lil' P I will use 'he' and 'she' interchangeably) has a full upper lip. Why is this worth noting you are wondering? Well I don't blame you asking, her lips are shaped like my husbands :) It's like Lil' P really does have our characteristics already. I know... 'duh!' but it's just still so amazing to me- we have actually managed to create another human being. Crazy cool...

I will now get off the cheese wagon for the day :)

Favorite Questions

Throughout my educational experience there were always questions that I found intriguing. Now some of the questions were and are lame but I think that it still tells a lot about who the person is.

1) "If you had to describe yourself as a drink what would it be a why?"

For me the answer was and remains Hot Chocolate. It comes in many different flavors like white chocolate, peppermint, mocha chocolate, and of course classic. You can add things to it too. For a little pick me up after a long day, add a shot of Amaretto (yum!) Feeling a little silly or happy? Sprinkle some marshmallows on top! Hot chocolate to me is something comforting that you can just sit with at the end of a long day- and just enjoy the silence. Or it can help perpetuate a silly mood. Perhaps you are feeling like a girl chat? I like to think that I can provide what the situation calls for- be it comfort, silliness, or relaxation.

2) "Can you remember a time when you were little and lost? Tell me about how you reacted and what you did?"

Personally, I can't remember a time when I was little and lost. However, putting myself in the mind fame of a 6 year old this is what I was able to up with. I would likely freak out and start walking through the store yelling for my mom. If that didn't work, I would go back to where I started because I would hope that my mom would look for me in the last place she saw me. Also, I remember my parents telling me that if you stay still in one place you are easier to find.

What I learned after answering the question was that it tells you how a person problem solves. It describes me perfectly. I go searching for immediate information and answers. If I try something and didn't get the result I wanted or was looking for, I go back to the start and hope that my answer comes to me.

In an effort to learn more about you, my readers and fellow bloggers, I ask that you please answer one or both of the above questions. If you have never posted here, or rarely post, please respond as I would love to hear about you for a change!

"Your Boobs Are Huge!!!"

"What? They are- they are right there! They are huge... are you planning on breastfeeding?"

This is said as I blankly stare, like a deer in headlights (no pun intended), at my supervisor. I look to the 2 co-workers and intern who are present and none of them can look at me in the face. Either from laughter or horror, I am not sure... wait... wait... It's definately laughter.

I can't believe she just said that to me- actually I can. Welcome to my office.

WTF?

Why do people feel it necessary to tell me about the awful heart wrenching stories of women who have lost their children in the second or third trimester? Or better yet- at delivery?

As if I don't know these horrific things can happen or have enough of my own anxiety to deal with.

WTF is wrong with these people???

I'm Coming Out and Introducing Lil' P

***pregnancy mentioned***

"I want the world to know, got to let it show"- Dianna Ross

Basically, since Thanksgiving I have been coming out to people about my pregnancy. I finally told my extended family and I openly admitted that I was pregnant to two co-workers, without anyone else outing me first. I have also accepted a handful of congratulations gracefully- without poo-pooing them.

I have been starting to show since Thanksgiving so it's been getting more difficult to hide it. Although, I believe that I am doing a pretty good job- at hiding it and being more comfortable with it. Although, truth be told, I don't really have to "hide" it anymore as it's getting cold here- that means thicker heavier clothes. I used to be very mindful of never putting my hand on my belly or rubbing it. Now, I allow myself to not only do this at home, but when I am out in public- but only if there isn't anyone I know around. I promise, I am working on it!

Several weeks ago, Leah from My Dusty Ovaries, pointed out that I was 14 weeks pregnant. I was impressed that she knew how far along I was- it was the fact that she knew at all. I have made a point to never mention how far along I am for two reasons. 1) I was and still am feeling a little superstitious. 2) When going through all of my pregnancies and other people would mention that they were pregnant, I could figure out how far ahead or behind me they were. Therefore, every time I miscarried and I read that persons blog or information, I knew how far long I should be. It made it difficult for me keep up with them and well... it was just painful. So I tried to not bestow that information to others who may be reading.

With all that being said, I have decided to come to you, my fellow bloggers and readers. Not because I want to be vengeful, but because I feel like it's time to start celebrating this pregnancy a little more. When I tell people, I have found that my excitement grows a little bit, as well as my anxiety, but I am choosing to focus more on the excitement part. So here it goes... I am 18-1/2 weeks pregnant. There, I said it. And for the first time here, I am willing to gracefully accept congratulations, if they are offered.

Also, I have decided to name the baby Perseverance, or Lil' P. I do believe that this baby is here because of the perseverance of L and I. We lost faith many times, almost gave up several times, and always questioned what we were doing every time we started a new cycle. We thought surely our family thinks we are crazy- but somehow my instinct always said I was meant to be a mom. I had a very vivid dream once where I was pregnant and could feel the baby move- so I tried to remember that during all my questioning and doubting. So we continued down this insane road by choice- and here we are.

So today I am coming out and introducing Lil' P to you. I also felt Lil' P move the other day- so that was very strange and very cool. Although, he has sent no emails or texts to me lately I am told that is not unusual. I hope that he texts again soon :)

Blog You Very Much

JJ, at Reproductive Jeans, brought up yet another good point. Saying thanks to the person who inspired you to start blogging.

When I started blogging, it was shortly after my 5th loss. I started looking through the blogsphere and found that there were a lot of women, and some men, who were writing and talking about their experiences in the world of infertility. The humor mixed with sincerity is what caught my attention. They made me laugh when I needed it the most.

After reading for a couple of days I decided that it was something that I would like to try. It seemed like such a great outlet. It brought me back to the days when I was young and would use poems and story telling to help me cope with experiences. I also loved that you could be creative with the colors of the template, font styles, and add pictures. It seemed like such a creative process. I had been missing that from my life for so long. It didn't seem to matter if anyone read or not- it was and is about a space where I can just be me.

The two that inspired me (drum roll please)- Leah at My Dusty Ovaries and Mel at the Stirrup Queens. The humor and the honesty they use in conjunction with their own writing style well... I just loved it!

Now you may not be thankful that they inspired me start a blog but I am. I am finally in place where I can be just me all the time woo hoo! Lucky you- I know!

**And thanks to JJ because this is the first time that I have attached a picture where it worked!!**