A Not So Happy Halloween For This Cat

This is one pissed off kitty---

Gifts

Thank you again for all the support you have offered- you all are so sweet and kind. It's nice to have so many people holding my hand through this.

I thought that I would have a check in and share some things that I have been thinking about.

As far a symptoms- I don't have many. There are times when I have food aversions but it comes and goes. I only have waves of nausea and it seems to occur about 8pm and sometimes when I am up feeding Lil' P at 2am. However, I am not sure if that is because I have started to take my Metformin in the afternoon. (Does anyone have any idea when it starts to take effect???) More often, I have days where I feel like food is just sitting at the top of my throat (although I don't really think that's a symptom). Other than that I have breast tenderness that sometimes keeps me from falling asleep.

I am not feeling very confident about this pregnancy. I know that all pregnancies are different but this one reminds me more of the ones where I have miscarried than of Lil' P's. I feel like every symptom I have can be logically explained. And it just makes me sad. I feel sad for what could be. Hope still lingers but I also know my reality.

As I was re-reading people's comments I thought about how grateful I was that no one offered the "C" word. I think that most people would think that it's strange- I think it's a little strange. It got me thinking...

Congratulations are given and said to people when exciting things are going to happen. Such as people getting married or newly married, a new job, a promotion, a new car, a new home or apartment, and of course having a baby on the way. These are the wonderful, exciting things-- these things bring hope and joy. A reason for celebration.

I remember still being excited when I was pregnant the second time. I thought, "After everything I have been through, surely God wouldn't do this to me a second time." We were hopeful and excited- even told family and some friends. People offered their congratulations-- and it was heartbreaking to have to tell these same people that there was nothing to be celebrated anymore. There was no new baby coming. Again. Much like Pavlov's theory-- the word soon had a negative association instead of a positive one.

So when I hear, "Congratulations!", it assumes that something good and joyful is going to happen-- and that is just not my life. It's not my history.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that pregnancy to me, to many, is a beautiful, precious gift. It's a gift that I gladly accept and protect to the best of ability no matter how narrow of a scope that is--- but I also know it is not always a gift I get to open.

Two Worlds Collide

Guarded

Thank you to all who posted-- I had no idea that so many people stopped by my blog or maybe there were some first timers in there (not that it matters). All the warmth and positive energy you sent warmed my heart. Thank you.

Guarded is the best word to describe how I am emotionally right now.

Before I tell you what my number was I want to tell you briefly about my first pregnancy. The one that started my RPL rollercoaster. When I got a positive pregnancy test and called the doctor, like many of us do, they took my hcg level twice. It went up like it should. I had fading symptoms but still had them.

At 10 weeks, 5 days after my dad called and said they were putting my mom in hospice, I was to have my first u/s. I left my mom's side to go and before leaving I told her I would bring her back a picture of our baby, her second grandchild.

When I looked at the u/s screen it was heartbreaking. Gut wrenching, tear my heart out through my throat, pour acid into my eyes painful. The u/s screen was empty. Just empty- no sac, no anything. N.o.t.h.i.n.g. The doctor thought that I had gotten my dates wrong- in fact he insisted I got my dates wrong. I knew better though. He further insisted that I get another hcg level done- it was over 27,000. My mom died November 7th. Three days later my numbers plummeted, the cramping began, and my miscarriage started. My world just fell apart, crumbled-- and I was helpless.

This is why I am guarded-- I have been here before. In this very place with similar symptoms and all.

My hcg number went from 43 to 140 in 48 hours.

My doctor scheduled my u/s in two weeks-- Nov. 7th 8:30 am.

Corpus Luteum

I debated. And then I debated some more. Then I decided not to. Then I decided I would. Then I decided I wouldn't. Buuuut, then again, maybe I should.

Finally, I decided that I wanted my blog to be about honesty. Despite my not wanting my IRL friends to know-- because I am just not ready-- my desire to be honest won out. So here is this post.
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Corpus Leuteum??? Is it a suburb of Corpus Christie? Or a small town just north of it? No. No, my friends. It is not.

Corpus Luteum. Funny word when you say it. In the world of fertility, it's the follicle that produces progesterone when a women ovulates. This same crater-esk follicle continues to produce progesterone during pregnancy until the placenta can take over which occurs around 10-11 weeks.

Now, just about any RE will tell you they like the progesterone level over 20 when a woman is pregnant. Especially, a reproductively challenged woman. Some even speculate that progesterone levels are affected by eating and should only be taken while fasting. But the whole fasting thing? That just depends on your doctor...

What does this have to do with me? What does this have to do with me. That is a great question.

My hcg (beta) is 43.
My progesterone is 18.9.

No, I only have a general idea of how far along I am.

Yes, I did eat before I went in for my labs.

No, I am only seeing my ob right now.

Yes, I am going in for a second lab tomorrow.

Yes, I am currently on all my standard meds right now.

No, I will not find out the second set of numbers until Friday.

Yes, I know that the first numbers don't mean a lot without the second.

No, the numbers combined still won't mean anything to me.

Yes, my numbers have doubled in the past and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been lower and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been as high as 35 and I have still miscarried.

No, really, I am happy about this pregnancy and pray I get to meet this child soon.

Yes, I am more anxious than I would care to verbally express right now.

The Tasty Aroma of Fall

Since I am still not working (don't ask...) I find that I enjoy letting my creative side run free by trying new recipes. So I have been cooking or baking new recipes about 2-3 times a week for quite sometime. The recipes I try are generally healthy and cheap.

I always choose recipes that are easy to make and sound like they will make good left overs because in our house we are short on time and cash!

I am obsessed with cookies and fall so when I saw this recipe it seemed perfect for me to try!

I made this heavenly Iced Pumpkin Cookie recipe the other day. The house was filled with the warm aroma of pumpkin pie spices all day and night. It still hung slightly in the air the following morning-- it was a nice way to stick my nose out from underneath the covers :) I thought I should share it here and encourage you all to start baking this recipe (and hope that some of you actually do it!)

As I experimented with this recipe I discovered a few things--- 1) it's good without the icing
2) this cookie is a very moist, soft, and bread like so if you want it heavier, then you should add extra flour 3) while I am not a fan of having nuts in or on my food, the pecans really add that extra something it was missing 4) the icing really doesn't need that 1 tbsp. of butter (I accidentally discovered it melted in the microwave the following day - oops!)

After making the cookies I went back and looked at the comments-- I am going to take some of the suggestions the next time I bake these (because there will be a next time)! I will substitute the 1/2 cup of white sugar for brown, add crushed pecans by folding them into the dough, and will not put them in air tight container (I read this before I placed them in one- whew!)

I hope you take chance and try this recipe--- Happy Baking!!!

Listening to the Sweet Silence

I Remember

Though he would never say anything I know that L often looks at the ribbon on the back of my car and wonders if I will ever take it off. But it's how I let my little angels know I still honor them daily- and how much I miss them.

Over the years I have thought about my 5 angels. I wonder if they gave up their lives because they new that Lil' P had a great purpose to serve here on earth. Or if the prayer I said had anything to do with their having to leave. As I lost more babies the prayer became more gut wrenching to say but it always remained the same-- Dear God, Please let this baby stay with me, I want them so deeply it hurts and I am tired of my arms feeling empty. I want them to live a happy, long, healthy life here on earth but their health and happiness means more to me than my wanting them. So if their life cannot be this, then please take them into your loving arms and keep them safe.

Sending love, hugs, and kisses all the way to heaven... today and everyday.

That Stings

I am annoyed. And hurt.

My sisters and I planned to have family pictures done, with my dad, as his birthday present. This has been planned for two months. We told him to schedule something for that day but didn't tell him why- it was going to be a surprise. We were going to tell him this weekend at the family birthday celebration (which K is attending- K is his new girlfriend for those just tuning into the chaos that is sometimes my life).

We scheduled it for a day that was less than ideal because it was the only time we were all available. The actual day of the pictures was going to be difficult for a number of reasons...
1. These would be the first pictures of our family without mom.
2. The pictures would be taken one day after the anniversary of her death.
3. The pictures would be taken two days after what would have been her 62nd birthday.

He forgot and scheduled a trip. Plane tickets are bought.

This is so typical of my dad and I know- I know!- that he hasn't even put the dates together in his head yet. But that's not what stings...

He is scheduled to leave, the day of my mom's birthday, to go visit K's family.

Niiiiice Dad. Nice.

What makes me feel even more guilty? Is continuing to feel so hurt and annoyed, at both him and K, knowing that she has no idea what-so-ever.

It's Just A Box

It's just a little box that I picked up for a "just in case" scenario. This box is in almost every store across America and Europe. What's the big deal? It's just a box with some sticks inside.

But if it's really just a box how does it evoke so many different emotions in just a few seconds? Just staring at it in the isle... the waves of emotion flooded every sense of my being.

Anxious. Excited. Hopeful. Dread. Worry. Fear. Sadness. Guilt. Happy. Love. Curiosity.

My hand was shaking and my heart was fluttering as a I reached down for that little blue box. I felt as if I was somehow sealing my fate.

Life Events and Miracles

It's funny to me how a 5 month old (which he is today!) can already have a life event.

Not only was it a life event but the occasion of where it occurred seems to have greater and greater family significance as the life that L and I have created continues.

Lil' P was baptized last month in the same church that L's parents were married in, that my parents renewed their vows in, and that L and I were married in.

I couldn't help but tear up as I held Lil' P in my arms standing next to L. 4 years and 1 month, to the exact day, L and I stood on the same alter and took our vows to become man and wife. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health... and in our first 4 years together I feel like we have faced it all. So many things have had happened in our first 4 years of marriage that most couples don't face in their first 10- but we were lucky and our challenges brought us closer together. In it's own way, I consider that in it's self a miracle- our first miracle.

And there we were, blessed again, holding our second miracle. We were making the promise to God that we would make sure that Lil' P had a relationship with Him, know His love and that we, along with our church and family, would raise him to be a good person. Lil' P, our little earth baby, allowed us to speak for him that day. I felt so humbled, so grateful.

The sermon that day was about the "Anatomy of Miracles". The minister said that nowhere in the Bible is there a miracle that occured that was not directly linked to a problem.

So, if you have a problem it's a good thing- today might be your day to experience a miracle.

Fall Colors