I feel like I haven't been around much lately. Which, I guess, is true. I have been away since Thursday because I was at a professional conference. It was interesting and right before that I was busy trying to wrap up some ends at work because I am leaving tomorrow for a trip. I am going to see my mom's side of the family. I love them and haven't seen them in a year so it will be nice.
I don't know how I think everything is going with this pregnancy. Sometimes I think the queasiness is getting better, sometimes I think it's the same as it has been. I am working hard at not judging things as it never does any good. This pregnancy will be what it is and there is nothing I can do about that. I wouldn't change anything that I have done or anything I will do over the next week. I will have to be satisfied with my actions no matter the outcome. This week will be a good distraction from this up coming ultrasound.
I am still scared but there is nothing to do but wait.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Solid First Step
(pregnancy mentioned)
Today was a solid first step in the right direction. We had a HB of 144. The baby's C to R measured 6w3d and the sac measured 6w6d. Technically, I am 6w6d today. Not thrilled about the C to R but I also know that it can be completely normal... it would just be nice if they were measuring closer but it is what it is. That being said feel free to offer any good experiences you have had with this, even if it's just to ease my mind :)
The RE did see what initally looked like a uterine clot but then saw 'motion'. So she believes it to just be uterine artery flow since it's right next to the sac. According to her things look good.
The next u/s is Oct. 1st, if the pregnancy is progressing then we will have another IVIg treatment that Thursday.
It's a good first step but we have been here before and have a looooong way to go. If you are willing, I am still accepting luck but no c-word yet please. Here's hoping I have a pukey 2 weeks!
Today was a solid first step in the right direction. We had a HB of 144. The baby's C to R measured 6w3d and the sac measured 6w6d. Technically, I am 6w6d today. Not thrilled about the C to R but I also know that it can be completely normal... it would just be nice if they were measuring closer but it is what it is. That being said feel free to offer any good experiences you have had with this, even if it's just to ease my mind :)
The RE did see what initally looked like a uterine clot but then saw 'motion'. So she believes it to just be uterine artery flow since it's right next to the sac. According to her things look good.
The next u/s is Oct. 1st, if the pregnancy is progressing then we will have another IVIg treatment that Thursday.
It's a good first step but we have been here before and have a looooong way to go. If you are willing, I am still accepting luck but no c-word yet please. Here's hoping I have a pukey 2 weeks!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Things I Have Been Pondering
Road Blocks and Rollercoasters have brought back to surface many things I have been pondering lately...
First, what has happened in my life when I was too wrapped up in my fertility woes? Who did I not laugh with? Celebrate with? Cry with? Listen too? Who was I not there for and how do I begin to apologize for being so wrapped up in myself that I forgot to be a friend?
Second, if I have truly accepted that I cannot control my pregnancy outcomes- then why do I continue with treatments? Why do I take nightly shots? Why do I take all those pills in the morning? Am I in a false state of acceptance or in a state of acceptance of knowing I can only control what I can control?
Finally, why am I so willing to believe that if I talk about something good happening that I will actually cause it to go bad? If I say a specific word that I have jinxed myself? However, on the reverse side, there is nothing I can do or say to help something good happen. Why am I willing to give the sad and unhappy things so much meaning and bearing in my life?
First, what has happened in my life when I was too wrapped up in my fertility woes? Who did I not laugh with? Celebrate with? Cry with? Listen too? Who was I not there for and how do I begin to apologize for being so wrapped up in myself that I forgot to be a friend?
Second, if I have truly accepted that I cannot control my pregnancy outcomes- then why do I continue with treatments? Why do I take nightly shots? Why do I take all those pills in the morning? Am I in a false state of acceptance or in a state of acceptance of knowing I can only control what I can control?
Finally, why am I so willing to believe that if I talk about something good happening that I will actually cause it to go bad? If I say a specific word that I have jinxed myself? However, on the reverse side, there is nothing I can do or say to help something good happen. Why am I willing to give the sad and unhappy things so much meaning and bearing in my life?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
I Am A Judger
‘Should’ and ‘Shouldn’t’ are expectations and judgments.
You should….
That should…
It shouldn’t…
Why shouldn’t…
They place a value and expectation on something. I think that this goes along with what other bloggers have been saying about feelings during the 2ww or pregnancy.
I got worried last night when my queasiness went away. I thought ‘I should feel queasy… it’s a sign the pregnancy is over.’ Then another thought, ‘I shouldn’t think that way.’
In reality, I have been trained to think that way. It’s the way it’s always ended. A sudden lack of symptoms, having my energy back, or not having symptoms at all. All based on how I should or shouldn’t feel. An expectation on a pregnancy. I do have to say- I feel happiest when I feel the worst.
Last Wednesday I went to my Ob to get some antibiotics because their office likes to treat you when your sick- I do love my Ob by the way. She asked me how I was feeling, if I was feeling ‘pregnant.’ I told her in that moment I was but that my sinus infection over the weekend seemed to be masking my symptoms I might have been having. In my paranoia I asked, ‘Can I get another beta check? We are about to drop a lot of money on IVIg and I don’t want to spend the money on a pregnancy that isn’t progressing.’ AKA a beta of 423? How do I know this isn’t a chemical pregnancy? To which she responded…
‘You shouldn’t feel that way, I have a good feeling about this.’
Another judgment. Shouldn’t. What in my history says I ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way? She is not the only person to have said something of this manner to me. I have had many MANY people say this to me. I know that they are well meaning and encouraging me to have hope. They just want to make me feel better… but those responses are about them not about me.
You know what the nurse and the lab tech said to me when I went to get my fourth lab done and I said it was because of my paranoia?
‘Well, I can’t blame you’ and ‘You’ve been through a lot [insert name], I can understand why.’ These are the most comforting comments I get. They don’t place judgments on me or the pregnancy. They just accept me and my feelings.
This is hard. Really hard. And let’s be honest, of course I have hope. Otherwise, I wouldn’t keep doing this and taking all the meds that I take and try experiential treatments. I will even say it out loud, ‘I am pregnant. I want this pregnancy and I want to stay this way for at least another 8-1/2 months.’ (Felt like I was in an AA for a moment there! Now everyone- ‘Hi Grad3’)
I would also like to apologize to my baby…
*It’s not your fault my history is what it is. It’s not that I don’t want you. I do… I really do. That is why I have been working so hard to keep you. It’s just that I don’t know any different right now. This is just very hard for me. Hard for me to expect anything different than what I have been given in the past. I hope you know that you are loved and very much wanted. I am sorry that I cannot be better at this but I will try harder to not place an expectation on you.*
With all that being said, my beta last Wednesday came out very nice, it was a little over 4,000. So it was still tripling. My IVIg was done that Thursday. I was a little anxious but it wasn’t bad at all. I am starting to get scared because of my lack of symptoms but they have come back a little today. Mostly, I am getting scared because my u/s is on Monday. And well, I am just scared. I know that I have every reason to hope and I know that things look promising. I really will try not to place a judgment or expectation on this baby or pregnancy. Or me really. It’s just a scary place to be. And it is what it is.
You should….
That should…
It shouldn’t…
Why shouldn’t…
They place a value and expectation on something. I think that this goes along with what other bloggers have been saying about feelings during the 2ww or pregnancy.
I got worried last night when my queasiness went away. I thought ‘I should feel queasy… it’s a sign the pregnancy is over.’ Then another thought, ‘I shouldn’t think that way.’
In reality, I have been trained to think that way. It’s the way it’s always ended. A sudden lack of symptoms, having my energy back, or not having symptoms at all. All based on how I should or shouldn’t feel. An expectation on a pregnancy. I do have to say- I feel happiest when I feel the worst.
Last Wednesday I went to my Ob to get some antibiotics because their office likes to treat you when your sick- I do love my Ob by the way. She asked me how I was feeling, if I was feeling ‘pregnant.’ I told her in that moment I was but that my sinus infection over the weekend seemed to be masking my symptoms I might have been having. In my paranoia I asked, ‘Can I get another beta check? We are about to drop a lot of money on IVIg and I don’t want to spend the money on a pregnancy that isn’t progressing.’ AKA a beta of 423? How do I know this isn’t a chemical pregnancy? To which she responded…
‘You shouldn’t feel that way, I have a good feeling about this.’
Another judgment. Shouldn’t. What in my history says I ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way? She is not the only person to have said something of this manner to me. I have had many MANY people say this to me. I know that they are well meaning and encouraging me to have hope. They just want to make me feel better… but those responses are about them not about me.
You know what the nurse and the lab tech said to me when I went to get my fourth lab done and I said it was because of my paranoia?
‘Well, I can’t blame you’ and ‘You’ve been through a lot [insert name], I can understand why.’ These are the most comforting comments I get. They don’t place judgments on me or the pregnancy. They just accept me and my feelings.
This is hard. Really hard. And let’s be honest, of course I have hope. Otherwise, I wouldn’t keep doing this and taking all the meds that I take and try experiential treatments. I will even say it out loud, ‘I am pregnant. I want this pregnancy and I want to stay this way for at least another 8-1/2 months.’ (Felt like I was in an AA for a moment there! Now everyone- ‘Hi Grad3’)
I would also like to apologize to my baby…
*It’s not your fault my history is what it is. It’s not that I don’t want you. I do… I really do. That is why I have been working so hard to keep you. It’s just that I don’t know any different right now. This is just very hard for me. Hard for me to expect anything different than what I have been given in the past. I hope you know that you are loved and very much wanted. I am sorry that I cannot be better at this but I will try harder to not place an expectation on you.*
With all that being said, my beta last Wednesday came out very nice, it was a little over 4,000. So it was still tripling. My IVIg was done that Thursday. I was a little anxious but it wasn’t bad at all. I am starting to get scared because of my lack of symptoms but they have come back a little today. Mostly, I am getting scared because my u/s is on Monday. And well, I am just scared. I know that I have every reason to hope and I know that things look promising. I really will try not to place a judgment or expectation on this baby or pregnancy. Or me really. It’s just a scary place to be. And it is what it is.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
'IF'
Ever notice how the acronyms for infertility are 'IF'?
IF we try this …
IF we do this …
What IF …
IF this happens …
IF the results are …
IF this fails …
IF this does work ...
Coincidence? I think not.
IF we try this …
IF we do this …
What IF …
IF this happens …
IF the results are …
IF this fails …
IF this does work ...
Coincidence? I think not.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Happy News, 3 Labs, and A Thank You
First my happy news- my friend, and RPL'er- we'll call her Sweets, had her u/s today! They saw a heartbeat for the very first time!!! I am so, so, so excited for them. All the good thoughts and wishes must have helped 'cause this is the farthest they have ever been. A long way to go still but much has been accomplished... (happy sigh). I hope this is it for them.
My 3 48- hour labs came back and were the following:
Lab#1- Progesterone (33.6), HCG (46)
Lab#2- HCG (140)
Lab#3- HCG- (423)
All my pregnancies have doubled in HCG, but my progesterone was always low. Ironically, the one where the progesterone was high, my beta's didn't double. So things look promising but I still have a loooong way to go. My IVIg treatment should be this Thursday. L and I have decided no more b/w since it won't really tell us anything and might only give us more worry. What I am most happy about is that my progesterone was high on it's own, no suppository help in order for me to get that number. It brings a strange sense of relief.
Saving the most important for last. Thank you. I can't tell you how it warmed my heart that so many people supported me and posted... you just let me talk. You listened, you didn't push or nag. It was very much what I needed. And I don't think I realized how much I needed it until I got it. So thank you all so much and thank you for sending me luck. I am still going to need it, but for now, we are just a little closer to the "c- word."
My 3 48- hour labs came back and were the following:
Lab#1- Progesterone (33.6), HCG (46)
Lab#2- HCG (140)
Lab#3- HCG- (423)
All my pregnancies have doubled in HCG, but my progesterone was always low. Ironically, the one where the progesterone was high, my beta's didn't double. So things look promising but I still have a loooong way to go. My IVIg treatment should be this Thursday. L and I have decided no more b/w since it won't really tell us anything and might only give us more worry. What I am most happy about is that my progesterone was high on it's own, no suppository help in order for me to get that number. It brings a strange sense of relief.
Saving the most important for last. Thank you. I can't tell you how it warmed my heart that so many people supported me and posted... you just let me talk. You listened, you didn't push or nag. It was very much what I needed. And I don't think I realized how much I needed it until I got it. So thank you all so much and thank you for sending me luck. I am still going to need it, but for now, we are just a little closer to the "c- word."
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