There are a groups of people that I have chatted with over the past two years, during this RPL journey, who have been there for me. There is one group in particular that I have gone to that has helped me deal with all my losses. They have given support, encouragement, hope, and information- I can't say enough about these women. I am always inspired by their strength. Many still keep in contact with me despite my being pregnant- they are able to find real joy for me and for that I am grateful.
It's a drop in type situation, an open meeting, people come with questions, frustrations, support... whatever that person happens to need, as a whole, we try to provide. I have always felt that it was a safe place for me to express my emotions. No matter the issue I was facing- I always felt understood. There has been another woman there who attends enough that we all know her and her story. She has had a total of 9 miscarriages and 3 living children. She recently gave birth so she had not been coming as of late.
Recently, she announced that she was pregnant again and was UPSET about it. As in not really sure that she wanted the baby because it would be so close in age to her last child. This upset me a lot. I was shocked then angry and irritated. It felt as though someone had slapped me in the face. I didn't understand how she could come to a group of women, who have struggled for so long, many of us wondering we could even have a family, and tell them she didn't really want her baby. Didn't she realize the group of people she was talking to?
Unfortunately, she has miscarried this child which is always sad. She has said as much but is sad because the baby would never have a life and never do the things that all children learn to do. She also felt relief as she was planning on giving the child up for adoption. Again, why would she say this to us? Us, the RPL survivors, who were and are still tying to have children?
I can see how it would be very distressing to be pregnant with a child so young along with two older toddlers. I can't begin to imagine the pressure- coping with a newborn and being pregnant. Wow... scary. It comforts me to know that she would have given this baby up for adoption as she felt she could not properly care for him or her. To give a child to another hopeful loving family is an incredible gift. I recognize the amount of strength it would take to do that.
It's not that I am upset about how she felt. As I have said, I can see her point of view- I am upset that she said this to our group. I feel as though she has taken a safe place for us and has tainted it somehow. I am glad that she feels like she can lean on us for support but why would she say all these things to our group?
I wasn't able to say anything at first because I was so shocked and then I was just mad. Since she has miscarried- all I can think of is that I am sorry she is having such a range of emotions as miscarriage is still emotionally difficult. However, I am struggling to find sympathy and empathy.
I just don't know what to say. Or how I feel about all of this- I am sad for her and the situation but I am mad for us, or maybe just me, who have to hear her story.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Being Lazy
I have been lazy lately. I just want to sit around and do nothing.
I haven't been completing my contract work like I should. I am completing it, just procrastinating big time. L is out of town this week so I am slowly letting the house get a little messier. I have let the mail stack up, dishes are sitting in the sink, I left a left a dirty pot out on the stove. That load of clothes that I did on Saturday night? I am refreshing them in the dryer now because I never pulled them out. Somehow, I can never complete laundry. What's up with that? And if I do manage to get the load out of the dryer, I can let it sit on the bed for days- when L is out of town I will place it on his side of the bed, that way I can still sleep at night :)
I just have no motivation this week. Is there anything that you have been procrastinating on this week?
*****
In an effort to avoid doing the things I should I rearranged the template and changed colors. What do you all think? Can anyone tell me how to change the color of my header or do I have to leave it like that? It's not working with this lower color scheme I have got going on!
I haven't been completing my contract work like I should. I am completing it, just procrastinating big time. L is out of town this week so I am slowly letting the house get a little messier. I have let the mail stack up, dishes are sitting in the sink, I left a left a dirty pot out on the stove. That load of clothes that I did on Saturday night? I am refreshing them in the dryer now because I never pulled them out. Somehow, I can never complete laundry. What's up with that? And if I do manage to get the load out of the dryer, I can let it sit on the bed for days- when L is out of town I will place it on his side of the bed, that way I can still sleep at night :)
I just have no motivation this week. Is there anything that you have been procrastinating on this week?
*****
In an effort to avoid doing the things I should I rearranged the template and changed colors. What do you all think? Can anyone tell me how to change the color of my header or do I have to leave it like that? It's not working with this lower color scheme I have got going on!
Monday, November 26, 2007
After 26 Hours Of Labor
My sister ended up getting an epidural so that she could sleep and relax after 21 hours of labor but it proved to be fruitful! At 1am on Sunday morning my new niece arrived! She was 7lbs. 5 oz., 22 inches long, alert, and healthy :) She has such a round little face and head full of dark hair!
So excited for our newest family member!!! Thanks for your positive thoughts ladies, it was very sweet of you ;) Hugs all around!
So excited for our newest family member!!! Thanks for your positive thoughts ladies, it was very sweet of you ;) Hugs all around!
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Thoughts For Sister
My sister started labor at midnight last night. She left for the hospital about 6:30am with contractions at 3-4 minutes apart. At about 2:30pm today she was 3 centimeters dilated. Still no word yet and it's now 6pm. She really wanted a natural birth experience, after an unexpected Cesarean birth last time, so I know that she must be getting tired and exhausted.
So if you could send up positive thoughts and energy to her that would be most appreciated.
You have all my love and support sis! You can do this!!
So if you could send up positive thoughts and energy to her that would be most appreciated.
You have all my love and support sis! You can do this!!
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Happy Thanksgiving!!
**pregnancy mentioned**
And a couple of cool things.
As I was making the apple and cherry pie yesterday (from scratch!) for the family's big feast, I realized that my tummy was getting in the way of being as close to the counter as I wanted. Pretty cool I think!
A warm front moved in late last night with rain and thunderstorms and the full moon is close at hand so I am hoping that this will finally help send my sister into labor with #2. We are all anxiously awaiting for our new niece or nephew so mother nature help her out already! She is starting to get really uncomfortable and is alreay past her due date :)
Yesterday we saw our little baby. I also had the GD test (the dr made me take it early since I am "at-risk") and had a cervical check. All looks good although the GD test won't come back until next week. I have been going a little over board with the sugar the past couple days because I fully expect to have GD. Baby was doing well and having a good time sucking it's thumb. He or she is getting really big!
The tech could clearly see if it was a boy or girl- we asked her to not tell us. We are waiting for the big surprise at birth... but man am I dying to know! Personally, I think it's a boy and I have been thinking that for several weeks :)
Lots to be thankful for this holiday and I hope that you are able to find the gifts in your life too!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone and I hope that you are able to eat to your hearts content! (Me, personally, I have been thinking about that pumpkin pie!)
And a couple of cool things.
As I was making the apple and cherry pie yesterday (from scratch!) for the family's big feast, I realized that my tummy was getting in the way of being as close to the counter as I wanted. Pretty cool I think!
A warm front moved in late last night with rain and thunderstorms and the full moon is close at hand so I am hoping that this will finally help send my sister into labor with #2. We are all anxiously awaiting for our new niece or nephew so mother nature help her out already! She is starting to get really uncomfortable and is alreay past her due date :)
Yesterday we saw our little baby. I also had the GD test (the dr made me take it early since I am "at-risk") and had a cervical check. All looks good although the GD test won't come back until next week. I have been going a little over board with the sugar the past couple days because I fully expect to have GD. Baby was doing well and having a good time sucking it's thumb. He or she is getting really big!
The tech could clearly see if it was a boy or girl- we asked her to not tell us. We are waiting for the big surprise at birth... but man am I dying to know! Personally, I think it's a boy and I have been thinking that for several weeks :)
Lots to be thankful for this holiday and I hope that you are able to find the gifts in your life too!
Happy Thanksgiving everyone and I hope that you are able to eat to your hearts content! (Me, personally, I have been thinking about that pumpkin pie!)
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Medium- Middle, Not Crunchy Granola
I would not describe myself as a "crunchy granola" person. That's not to say I don't care about "crunchy" things. I recycle, try to watch how much water I use, and buy hormone free items when I can afford it.
I would describe myself as a medium- middle person. Not too far to one side where I make fun of those who are different. Not so far to the other where I call people uncaring and self centered. I am a middle ground person. Extremes don't fit well with me or my personality come to think of it.
Depending on the situation I have a tendency to lean more one way or another. Otherwise, you can bet I'm in the middle- with an opinion or thought that pushes me one way.
L is different. L goes to the conservative side every time. He is very much in the mind set of "You do what the dr's tell you to do." Me, as you can tell, not so much. I am still the one doing all the work and the one paying the bill. While I have bouts of white coat syndrome, I am the patient. What is imporant to understand about L is he struggles with change. He really likes consistency. While I love him, he also likes the easiest road because it's easy and will take it just about every time.
So those who have been reading know that I am wanting to have a natural childbirth experience. Some of it is due to the fact that I am tired of drugs and hormones. Some related to that there could be complications if I did want an epidural or other drugs because of the blood thinners I am on. I have also been doing a lot of reading to figure out how to best prepare myself for a natural birth. So I have read a lot of things about natural childbirth, especially birth positions.
The other day I was talking to one of my friends and I was asking her about the hospital she delivered at as I will be delivering at the same one (we also go to the same ob practice). I was asking if she knew if any of the dr's had issues about birthing positions or if the hospital provided any supports, like a squat bar. She said that she "thought" for liability reasons the dr's made you give birth in the "traditional" way- laying on your back. She couldn't really remember because it was over two years ago. When she was giving birth, she had an epidural and was quite pleased with it.
What she said made me nervous and a little uneasy. This is not the experience I have been thinking about. So I mentioned to L about what she had said and how I was feeling about it. His response was, "This is getting a little crunchy granola for me so I think that we should stop talking about this, it's making me uncomfortable... women give birth on their backs all time so I just don't think it would be that hard..."
With all that being said, I was glad he told me that he wanted to stop talking about it, and we did. He was already irritated- that's a whole different story though.
What makes me frustrated about this is that he made the statement without doing any research or any consideration that what I have said has some validity. He "thinks" it's the right thing because it's the norm- everyone does this, so should we. I just wish he would research then give an opinion. We are also both of the same when it comes to being pushed in a direction. If you push too hard, the other will push back just because we don't like being pushed.
I believe the final decision is mine. After all, I am the one doing all the work, it's my body, and in the end whatever is easiest and best for me is the best for everyone (in this case). Now, I could go a head and do what I want but it would be so much easier for me if I had his support. So I am not sure on how to approach this- I thought about articles but they would have to be reputable sources and not have a crunchy granola appearance. I have already signed up for a childbirth classes that focus on natural child birth, which he is aware of. So I am wondering if it is something that I should just let go until it comes up in the birthing classes- which should be full of information. Since he has already "accepted" that I am going to have a doula, although he isn't all the comfortable with it, I don't want to push again too early. Otherwise, it could backfire.
Maybe just plant the seed, leave it, and hope it grows?
I would describe myself as a medium- middle person. Not too far to one side where I make fun of those who are different. Not so far to the other where I call people uncaring and self centered. I am a middle ground person. Extremes don't fit well with me or my personality come to think of it.
Depending on the situation I have a tendency to lean more one way or another. Otherwise, you can bet I'm in the middle- with an opinion or thought that pushes me one way.
L is different. L goes to the conservative side every time. He is very much in the mind set of "You do what the dr's tell you to do." Me, as you can tell, not so much. I am still the one doing all the work and the one paying the bill. While I have bouts of white coat syndrome, I am the patient. What is imporant to understand about L is he struggles with change. He really likes consistency. While I love him, he also likes the easiest road because it's easy and will take it just about every time.
So those who have been reading know that I am wanting to have a natural childbirth experience. Some of it is due to the fact that I am tired of drugs and hormones. Some related to that there could be complications if I did want an epidural or other drugs because of the blood thinners I am on. I have also been doing a lot of reading to figure out how to best prepare myself for a natural birth. So I have read a lot of things about natural childbirth, especially birth positions.
The other day I was talking to one of my friends and I was asking her about the hospital she delivered at as I will be delivering at the same one (we also go to the same ob practice). I was asking if she knew if any of the dr's had issues about birthing positions or if the hospital provided any supports, like a squat bar. She said that she "thought" for liability reasons the dr's made you give birth in the "traditional" way- laying on your back. She couldn't really remember because it was over two years ago. When she was giving birth, she had an epidural and was quite pleased with it.
What she said made me nervous and a little uneasy. This is not the experience I have been thinking about. So I mentioned to L about what she had said and how I was feeling about it. His response was, "This is getting a little crunchy granola for me so I think that we should stop talking about this, it's making me uncomfortable... women give birth on their backs all time so I just don't think it would be that hard..."
With all that being said, I was glad he told me that he wanted to stop talking about it, and we did. He was already irritated- that's a whole different story though.
What makes me frustrated about this is that he made the statement without doing any research or any consideration that what I have said has some validity. He "thinks" it's the right thing because it's the norm- everyone does this, so should we. I just wish he would research then give an opinion. We are also both of the same when it comes to being pushed in a direction. If you push too hard, the other will push back just because we don't like being pushed.
I believe the final decision is mine. After all, I am the one doing all the work, it's my body, and in the end whatever is easiest and best for me is the best for everyone (in this case). Now, I could go a head and do what I want but it would be so much easier for me if I had his support. So I am not sure on how to approach this- I thought about articles but they would have to be reputable sources and not have a crunchy granola appearance. I have already signed up for a childbirth classes that focus on natural child birth, which he is aware of. So I am wondering if it is something that I should just let go until it comes up in the birthing classes- which should be full of information. Since he has already "accepted" that I am going to have a doula, although he isn't all the comfortable with it, I don't want to push again too early. Otherwise, it could backfire.
Maybe just plant the seed, leave it, and hope it grows?
Thursday, November 15, 2007
RPL and IF Are Really Always With You
Several days ago I found out an old co-worker of mine is pregnant. Now she has had some issues but none like most of the people here have faced- or what I have. My immediate thought after finding out is a testament to how IF/RPL really always has a hold of you- in some form. My thought was, "Thank God I am pregnant with a healthy baby before her because otherwise I would throw myself out that window."
Not very nice of me.
You know what I hated most about RPL when I was in the throws of it (although I still feel like I kinda am)? That people would say all the time, "Well, at least you can get pregnant." What is that supposed to mean? What good is being able to get pregnant if you can't carry the pregnancy to term? I always thought about how much I hated getting started down the journey of motherhood and pregnancy just to be told to turn around. Again. Yes, getting part of the way there makes me feel soooo much better, thanks.
More examples of how fertiles don't get it.
Do you know that I still won't wear mascara to a u/s? I am afraid that I will find out something bad. Then I will start to cry and it will run all down my face.
Another example of how RPL stays with you.
Not very nice of me.
You know what I hated most about RPL when I was in the throws of it (although I still feel like I kinda am)? That people would say all the time, "Well, at least you can get pregnant." What is that supposed to mean? What good is being able to get pregnant if you can't carry the pregnancy to term? I always thought about how much I hated getting started down the journey of motherhood and pregnancy just to be told to turn around. Again. Yes, getting part of the way there makes me feel soooo much better, thanks.
More examples of how fertiles don't get it.
Do you know that I still won't wear mascara to a u/s? I am afraid that I will find out something bad. Then I will start to cry and it will run all down my face.
Another example of how RPL stays with you.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Work Bummer
Well, I am a little bummed today. I got a job offer at a mental health agency about an hour from my house. It's a salary position so it would have been nice to have a steady paycheck. But due to all my dr's appointments they would have to take leave out of my check since I wouldn't have any built up yet. Paid family leave wouldn't kick in until I have been working there for a year. Then there is all the gas money and I would have to pay for my own supervision (to complete my licensure) so... I can't take it. After paying all those things out, I would end up breaking even with what I make at my contract job now.
I am bummed because I think that I would have really liked it. If only the salary had been more... (sigh)
And my infamous intern? Well, someone must have shown him the light. We had a meeting a week or so ago and he said all the things I thought. That he had to get better at his time management, not get hung up on the little things that he has trouble answering, and learn to pace himself. So I felt no need to add any more info to it. I do have to say he really does get hung up on stuff. I went over a section of the report with him, after he reviewed it himself. He pointed to one specific part and said he searched through all his paperwork and the Internet trying to figure out what it was asking. I told him to "keep reading the line", in the parentheses it explained what it was, which was a form he already had filled out. Genius...
I should be getting a different intern sometime next week. Hopefully, I have learned something from this experience and it will go a little more smoothly.
I am bummed because I think that I would have really liked it. If only the salary had been more... (sigh)
And my infamous intern? Well, someone must have shown him the light. We had a meeting a week or so ago and he said all the things I thought. That he had to get better at his time management, not get hung up on the little things that he has trouble answering, and learn to pace himself. So I felt no need to add any more info to it. I do have to say he really does get hung up on stuff. I went over a section of the report with him, after he reviewed it himself. He pointed to one specific part and said he searched through all his paperwork and the Internet trying to figure out what it was asking. I told him to "keep reading the line", in the parentheses it explained what it was, which was a form he already had filled out. Genius...
I should be getting a different intern sometime next week. Hopefully, I have learned something from this experience and it will go a little more smoothly.
Monday, November 12, 2007
A Little Update
***pregnancy mentioned***
Just wanted to give a little update about, well, my life.
The baby shower fiasco- I haven't yet told my other sister about the shower the IL's are throwing for me but I decided that they can both eat it. I love them both dearly but I am tired of tying to help people manage their own feelings. L and I are fine and happy with the outcome/ decision so that's all there is to it. Done. They can cope with their own issues.
Went to the my ob Friday and had a nice check up. Baby was in there seemingly happy and flipping around like my mad. I have to admit there were a couple of times that you could see in between the legs- of course I was unable see anything! It's still way to early but I couldn't keep myself from trying to guess. So I guess the little bit of anxiety I was feeling was about this week in general, not about my pregnancy.
Also wanted to say thank you to all who posted comments to me this week and even those who didn't. It's has been a very personal week for me- a lot of bad history was staring at me in face. A lot of personal emotions... So thank you for allowing me to be open and honest about it. Being able to express myself freely on this blog has helped me heal some and I am not sure I could have done it without your support. So again, thank you everyone because even if you didn't post I am sure you were sending me positive energy and thoughts!
Just wanted to give a little update about, well, my life.
The baby shower fiasco- I haven't yet told my other sister about the shower the IL's are throwing for me but I decided that they can both eat it. I love them both dearly but I am tired of tying to help people manage their own feelings. L and I are fine and happy with the outcome/ decision so that's all there is to it. Done. They can cope with their own issues.
Went to the my ob Friday and had a nice check up. Baby was in there seemingly happy and flipping around like my mad. I have to admit there were a couple of times that you could see in between the legs- of course I was unable see anything! It's still way to early but I couldn't keep myself from trying to guess. So I guess the little bit of anxiety I was feeling was about this week in general, not about my pregnancy.
Also wanted to say thank you to all who posted comments to me this week and even those who didn't. It's has been a very personal week for me- a lot of bad history was staring at me in face. A lot of personal emotions... So thank you for allowing me to be open and honest about it. Being able to express myself freely on this blog has helped me heal some and I am not sure I could have done it without your support. So again, thank you everyone because even if you didn't post I am sure you were sending me positive energy and thoughts!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
This Little Light of Mine
Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my 1st miscarriage. So I am lighting this candle not only in honor of my 1st angel but for all my other angels as well. I hope you know that I miss you and think of you everyday.
1st Angel- November 2005
2nd Angel- January 2006
3rd Angel- October 2006
4th Angel- March 2007
5th Angel- May 2007
Give grandma a big hug for me!
1st Angel- November 2005
2nd Angel- January 2006
3rd Angel- October 2006
4th Angel- March 2007
5th Angel- May 2007
Give grandma a big hug for me!
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
A Letter To My Best Friend
Dear Mom,
Today marks the two year anniversary of your death. It has been a long two years without you physically here. There have been so many things that I have missed about you over these months but most of all it's been your wisdom, hugs, and acceptance. You always loved me no matter what- I never realized how secure you made me feel until you were gone. How I miss that.
I know that we had many conversations before you died. I know that I asked you if you knew how much I loved you, which you assured me you did, and I tried so hard to show you. I tried to be there for many of the treatments and all of the major appointments. I always did my best to be honest about how I was feeling without upsetting you. I came down once a month for a week at a time- and I still wonder if it was enough. We would talk about the past, your worries, and your wishes after you were gone.
I know that I missed your last major medical appointment. I should have been there when the doctor told you dad that it was time to let go of treatment, that hospice was the next step. I should have been there to support the two of you instead of dad having to make the awful phone call. A phone call that we will never forget. Afterwards, I want you to know, all I could think about was getting home to the two of you. I know I was there the following day but it wasn't soon enough for me.
I will never forget coming into your room where you laying on the bed and I just lost it. I apologized to you for crying, you patted my back and said, "You always tell me it's okay to cry." I think of that every time cry I now.
Right before you lost the energy to speak I held you hand on the couch and told you that I had to go home to go get my first u/s pictures of the baby. That I would come back and show you the pictures. I told you that I knew you would be there the day I graduated with my Master's and the day the baby was born. You closed your eyes, smiled a little, and nodded your head.
I never came back with those pictures because it turned out that there was going to be no baby. I had a blighted ovum and I was so devastated. I don't remember the 8- hour drive back to see you and dad. By the time I got back, you could no longer open your eyes or hold my hand... you weren't able to give me that mom hug that I so desperately needed. I couldn't tell you about what happened- what the doctor had said. I was worried that you would leave this world being sad and upset for me. I couldn't bear the thought of that. Although, at the same time I imagined your spirit hoovering over us, watching and hearing us. I think in the end you already knew. Still, we all sat up with you holding your hand, laying next to you, trying to make you as physically comfortable as possible. Dad putting all the Christmas lights up early because he knew how much you loved to look at the living room tree. God, how he loves you still.
I remember K shouting up the stairs that I had better hurry back down to your bedroom. By the time I got there you were already gone. I could tell the moment I was in the room- you weren't there anymore. I knew instantly what people meant when they said, "That didn't look like so-and-so...." I wasn't brave enough to help the hospice nurse clean you up. I wasn't brave enough to watch the funeral home take you away. I think there was a part of me that just couldn't and the other part knew that it wasn't you. I still hated hearing the the doors of that black van slam shut. The turning over of the engine. You were physically gone. I wasn't brave enough to make any phone calls except to my very closest friends.
Three days later I started my first miscarriage.
It wasn't until several months ago that I realized how angry I was at you for leaving me at a time when I needed you so much. I was living in my own personal hell, watching you and the dreams of baby leave me within days of each other. I am sorry I was mad. I know you and I know better then to think that you would leave me in a time of need.
Since your death, I have had conversations with you. I have mostly wondered if you were even there listening, caring. It wasn't until the last couple of months that I realized how frustrating the last year and half has probably been for you. I was in a therapy session after my 5th loss and we were talking about the things that you would say to me. All of a sudden I could hear you shouting at me, while stamping your foot in annoyance, "I am right here!" It was then it hit me. All these months- if I could have set aside what our previous relationship was, if I could have set aside my idea of what I wanted our relationship to be- which was our old relationship- I could have heard you talking to me this entire time.
I am sorry I wasn't listening. Since then I have wondered if things would have been better for me if I had told you about my 1st loss while you were still physically here. And while I certainly believe that the conversations we had were needed, we never talked about how our relationship would change. What it would look like after you were gone. Maybe things would have been different if we had, but here we are. We made it.
One of the conversations that stands out the most to me is when I told you it didn't feel right to laugh or be happy again without you. You told me that it was okay and that's what you wanted for me. I want you to know, I have been trying. The loss of the physical you coupled with the five miscarriages... it hasn't been easy mom. There have been so many days where I have struggled. It's been a tough 3 years if you include the year you diagnosed. But I am trying, I am getting there. It makes me happy to know that you care caring for my five little beans in heaven. I imagine you playing with them while they learn about you, maybe you even tell them stories about me when I was growing up. I have to say though I hope you let me and L keep bean number 6. I know that he or she has spent time with you and it would be nice to have a little bit of you back. Sometimes I think that you actually get the best of both worlds. You get to be with the ones who have gone on and you still get to be with us. Lucky them and you.
The only good thing that has come out of your death, is that I have gotten to know dad better. When I was younger I didn't think that I would be friends with him if I met him on the street. But now... he has a very sweet soft side, a generous side that makes me so proud to say that he is my dad. If I could call a person like him a friend, I would be a lucky lady. So being related is even better. I can see why you married him. I think that he still blames himself for not being able to save you. He told me about a dream he had about you the other week. We were able to bring you back from the dead, but you still had cancer. You were crying in front of him because you were upset that we had brought you back. He just chalked it up to his unconscious. I told him that maybe it was your way of telling him you were happier where you were and to let you be. I hope that I am right.
Mom, people have asked me "How much time would have been long enough with your mom?" The answer is always the same, there could have never been enough time with you. Even if you have lived for another 20 years, I will always feel that I was cheated out of time with you. I am not sure how I can be a mom without you physically here, but I will do my best. If I can be half the person and mom that you were I will be doing just fine. I never feel that anyone can ever give me as great as a compliment as when L says, "You are more like your mom than you think." It always makes me smile.
I miss you and love you more than words can say. While I know that I will never be able to truly show you how much love that is - I will have to trust that you know what I mean since you are a mom.
I am not sure how to end this letter to you so I will just say one final thing...
I hope that our new relationship continues to grow, I love you very, very much, and I still think of you everyday. Love, Your Daughter
Today marks the two year anniversary of your death. It has been a long two years without you physically here. There have been so many things that I have missed about you over these months but most of all it's been your wisdom, hugs, and acceptance. You always loved me no matter what- I never realized how secure you made me feel until you were gone. How I miss that.
I know that we had many conversations before you died. I know that I asked you if you knew how much I loved you, which you assured me you did, and I tried so hard to show you. I tried to be there for many of the treatments and all of the major appointments. I always did my best to be honest about how I was feeling without upsetting you. I came down once a month for a week at a time- and I still wonder if it was enough. We would talk about the past, your worries, and your wishes after you were gone.
I know that I missed your last major medical appointment. I should have been there when the doctor told you dad that it was time to let go of treatment, that hospice was the next step. I should have been there to support the two of you instead of dad having to make the awful phone call. A phone call that we will never forget. Afterwards, I want you to know, all I could think about was getting home to the two of you. I know I was there the following day but it wasn't soon enough for me.
I will never forget coming into your room where you laying on the bed and I just lost it. I apologized to you for crying, you patted my back and said, "You always tell me it's okay to cry." I think of that every time cry I now.
Right before you lost the energy to speak I held you hand on the couch and told you that I had to go home to go get my first u/s pictures of the baby. That I would come back and show you the pictures. I told you that I knew you would be there the day I graduated with my Master's and the day the baby was born. You closed your eyes, smiled a little, and nodded your head.
I never came back with those pictures because it turned out that there was going to be no baby. I had a blighted ovum and I was so devastated. I don't remember the 8- hour drive back to see you and dad. By the time I got back, you could no longer open your eyes or hold my hand... you weren't able to give me that mom hug that I so desperately needed. I couldn't tell you about what happened- what the doctor had said. I was worried that you would leave this world being sad and upset for me. I couldn't bear the thought of that. Although, at the same time I imagined your spirit hoovering over us, watching and hearing us. I think in the end you already knew. Still, we all sat up with you holding your hand, laying next to you, trying to make you as physically comfortable as possible. Dad putting all the Christmas lights up early because he knew how much you loved to look at the living room tree. God, how he loves you still.
I remember K shouting up the stairs that I had better hurry back down to your bedroom. By the time I got there you were already gone. I could tell the moment I was in the room- you weren't there anymore. I knew instantly what people meant when they said, "That didn't look like so-and-so...." I wasn't brave enough to help the hospice nurse clean you up. I wasn't brave enough to watch the funeral home take you away. I think there was a part of me that just couldn't and the other part knew that it wasn't you. I still hated hearing the the doors of that black van slam shut. The turning over of the engine. You were physically gone. I wasn't brave enough to make any phone calls except to my very closest friends.
Three days later I started my first miscarriage.
It wasn't until several months ago that I realized how angry I was at you for leaving me at a time when I needed you so much. I was living in my own personal hell, watching you and the dreams of baby leave me within days of each other. I am sorry I was mad. I know you and I know better then to think that you would leave me in a time of need.
Since your death, I have had conversations with you. I have mostly wondered if you were even there listening, caring. It wasn't until the last couple of months that I realized how frustrating the last year and half has probably been for you. I was in a therapy session after my 5th loss and we were talking about the things that you would say to me. All of a sudden I could hear you shouting at me, while stamping your foot in annoyance, "I am right here!" It was then it hit me. All these months- if I could have set aside what our previous relationship was, if I could have set aside my idea of what I wanted our relationship to be- which was our old relationship- I could have heard you talking to me this entire time.
I am sorry I wasn't listening. Since then I have wondered if things would have been better for me if I had told you about my 1st loss while you were still physically here. And while I certainly believe that the conversations we had were needed, we never talked about how our relationship would change. What it would look like after you were gone. Maybe things would have been different if we had, but here we are. We made it.
One of the conversations that stands out the most to me is when I told you it didn't feel right to laugh or be happy again without you. You told me that it was okay and that's what you wanted for me. I want you to know, I have been trying. The loss of the physical you coupled with the five miscarriages... it hasn't been easy mom. There have been so many days where I have struggled. It's been a tough 3 years if you include the year you diagnosed. But I am trying, I am getting there. It makes me happy to know that you care caring for my five little beans in heaven. I imagine you playing with them while they learn about you, maybe you even tell them stories about me when I was growing up. I have to say though I hope you let me and L keep bean number 6. I know that he or she has spent time with you and it would be nice to have a little bit of you back. Sometimes I think that you actually get the best of both worlds. You get to be with the ones who have gone on and you still get to be with us. Lucky them and you.
The only good thing that has come out of your death, is that I have gotten to know dad better. When I was younger I didn't think that I would be friends with him if I met him on the street. But now... he has a very sweet soft side, a generous side that makes me so proud to say that he is my dad. If I could call a person like him a friend, I would be a lucky lady. So being related is even better. I can see why you married him. I think that he still blames himself for not being able to save you. He told me about a dream he had about you the other week. We were able to bring you back from the dead, but you still had cancer. You were crying in front of him because you were upset that we had brought you back. He just chalked it up to his unconscious. I told him that maybe it was your way of telling him you were happier where you were and to let you be. I hope that I am right.
Mom, people have asked me "How much time would have been long enough with your mom?" The answer is always the same, there could have never been enough time with you. Even if you have lived for another 20 years, I will always feel that I was cheated out of time with you. I am not sure how I can be a mom without you physically here, but I will do my best. If I can be half the person and mom that you were I will be doing just fine. I never feel that anyone can ever give me as great as a compliment as when L says, "You are more like your mom than you think." It always makes me smile.
I miss you and love you more than words can say. While I know that I will never be able to truly show you how much love that is - I will have to trust that you know what I mean since you are a mom.
I am not sure how to end this letter to you so I will just say one final thing...
I hope that our new relationship continues to grow, I love you very, very much, and I still think of you everyday. Love, Your Daughter
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Different Families
**pregnancy mentioned**
Maybe it's just the time of year, which tomorrow's post will explain, but things have just been hard these couple of days. I have been very nervous about my pregnancy this week. I don't have any physical reason to be concerned, I just am. You all know that when you do the fertility treatment track long enough, you see all kinds of sad things. I don't feel like there is ever a "safe time" in pregnancy. So how am I going to enjoy this process? Questions, questions...
But this isn't what I really wanted to talk about. It's my in-laws (IL) I wanted to talk about.
I want to first say that overall, my IL's are very different than my own family, but they are still great people. Very loving, supportive, good hearted people. They always have the best of intentions. My IL's are very southern, traditional people. They celebrate things in a very traditional way. We have very different styles in almost every way. Such as clothes, to home decorations, to color choices, and... to baby showers.
My family and I do the baby shower thing, just not in traditional way. Yes, you send out invitations, but skip the streamers. Maybe a balloon or two. No traditional baby shower games but maybe some type of game. We are a casual mid-west family... not-so-flashy people... homegrown. Do see what I am getting at?
Well, I was feeling some tension as my IL's hinted that they might throw me a baby shower. As I mentioned this to my sisters, they felt that it was their job to throw it. Actually, what my middle sister said was, "sisters get first dibs... we are so excited and we want to throw you one." So I was now I am feeling more tension. I tried to talk to L about it- to help avoid any toes being stepped on. It didn't get very far. Which I can understand... it's his baby too (or is it??- just kidding!) His family has been waiting right along with us as well. My concern was, if they throw me a shower and ask for a list of people from me who will I invite to my sister's shower? Or, would they be insulted if I only gave them 4 names? The four people would include my two sisters and two friends who I could tell why they were invited to two showers. What would happen if I suggested a combination shower? Then the issue becomes location. L's family lives about an hour and a half from my side and my friends.
Then the phone call- his sister and one of her friends wants to throw us a shower. I really am touched. Really, I am. I wasn't sure I would even get one shower, let alone two. (I am a little introverted and feel awkward inviting people to things- I feel like I am saying "Hey, come and bring me a present!") So it's very sweet of them, as I am not that close to her, and L is very touched by it as well.
After some non-intrusive digging, turns out the IL's want to throw a shower basically for their side of the family. More in the way of a wedding shower if you will, at least from what I gather. So they are going to need no list from me. I think "Whew! Catastrophe avoided!" I can still have my kind of shower, and the IL's can still have their type of shower. Everyone's happy.
So I tell this to one of my sister's last night. She was still indignant about it but I think partly on my behalf. When I told her that I wasn't going to have to provide any names she said, "So they don't care who you want to invite?" Which I guess is true. Then she was upset because she felt like the IL's were being presumptuous- not considering that my sisters would like to throw me a shower. Combined with that I told them I was concerned about not having enough people to invite in the first place and that I told them so... (Sigh....) At the root of it she said she was upset because she felt like the IL's thought that they wouldn't throw me a shower "the right way." As they are traditionalists, and we are not. I tried to explain that I thought that multiple showers were the tradition in their world but I am not sure if she cared.
I told her I didn't see why we couldn't have two showers and then we could have one that was completely the way we wanted it to be. She agreed that we could. When I tell my other sister, things will get much uglier. She can rant for a while about stuff. I am hoping that I can explain it in a better way. I just hate this feeling that my family feels stepped on. Which is what I wanted to avoid in the first place.
IL's are already talking about how I need to think about registering in the the next couple of months. So they can tell people if they ask. IF they ask. You know that means? Presents I don't like or want (again very different styles). I don't want to sound ungrateful, but all these people live an hour and a half away. Which means if I am going to return something- it will be an hour and a half away to do so. Now I just sound like a bitch who isn't appreciative.... (sigh)
I just wish our families weren't so different sometimes. Overall, I do feel lucky and blessed that there are so many people who are excited for us and want to celebrate. I know that this is a celebration for them too.
********************************************
I also wish my mom was here to give advice or to talk too about this. She was always good at this thing and today is her birthday. So I would like to say, happy birthday mom! I love you.
Maybe it's just the time of year, which tomorrow's post will explain, but things have just been hard these couple of days. I have been very nervous about my pregnancy this week. I don't have any physical reason to be concerned, I just am. You all know that when you do the fertility treatment track long enough, you see all kinds of sad things. I don't feel like there is ever a "safe time" in pregnancy. So how am I going to enjoy this process? Questions, questions...
But this isn't what I really wanted to talk about. It's my in-laws (IL) I wanted to talk about.
I want to first say that overall, my IL's are very different than my own family, but they are still great people. Very loving, supportive, good hearted people. They always have the best of intentions. My IL's are very southern, traditional people. They celebrate things in a very traditional way. We have very different styles in almost every way. Such as clothes, to home decorations, to color choices, and... to baby showers.
My family and I do the baby shower thing, just not in traditional way. Yes, you send out invitations, but skip the streamers. Maybe a balloon or two. No traditional baby shower games but maybe some type of game. We are a casual mid-west family... not-so-flashy people... homegrown. Do see what I am getting at?
Well, I was feeling some tension as my IL's hinted that they might throw me a baby shower. As I mentioned this to my sisters, they felt that it was their job to throw it. Actually, what my middle sister said was, "sisters get first dibs... we are so excited and we want to throw you one." So I was now I am feeling more tension. I tried to talk to L about it- to help avoid any toes being stepped on. It didn't get very far. Which I can understand... it's his baby too (or is it??- just kidding!) His family has been waiting right along with us as well. My concern was, if they throw me a shower and ask for a list of people from me who will I invite to my sister's shower? Or, would they be insulted if I only gave them 4 names? The four people would include my two sisters and two friends who I could tell why they were invited to two showers. What would happen if I suggested a combination shower? Then the issue becomes location. L's family lives about an hour and a half from my side and my friends.
Then the phone call- his sister and one of her friends wants to throw us a shower. I really am touched. Really, I am. I wasn't sure I would even get one shower, let alone two. (I am a little introverted and feel awkward inviting people to things- I feel like I am saying "Hey, come and bring me a present!") So it's very sweet of them, as I am not that close to her, and L is very touched by it as well.
After some non-intrusive digging, turns out the IL's want to throw a shower basically for their side of the family. More in the way of a wedding shower if you will, at least from what I gather. So they are going to need no list from me. I think "Whew! Catastrophe avoided!" I can still have my kind of shower, and the IL's can still have their type of shower. Everyone's happy.
So I tell this to one of my sister's last night. She was still indignant about it but I think partly on my behalf. When I told her that I wasn't going to have to provide any names she said, "So they don't care who you want to invite?" Which I guess is true. Then she was upset because she felt like the IL's were being presumptuous- not considering that my sisters would like to throw me a shower. Combined with that I told them I was concerned about not having enough people to invite in the first place and that I told them so... (Sigh....) At the root of it she said she was upset because she felt like the IL's thought that they wouldn't throw me a shower "the right way." As they are traditionalists, and we are not. I tried to explain that I thought that multiple showers were the tradition in their world but I am not sure if she cared.
I told her I didn't see why we couldn't have two showers and then we could have one that was completely the way we wanted it to be. She agreed that we could. When I tell my other sister, things will get much uglier. She can rant for a while about stuff. I am hoping that I can explain it in a better way. I just hate this feeling that my family feels stepped on. Which is what I wanted to avoid in the first place.
IL's are already talking about how I need to think about registering in the the next couple of months. So they can tell people if they ask. IF they ask. You know that means? Presents I don't like or want (again very different styles). I don't want to sound ungrateful, but all these people live an hour and a half away. Which means if I am going to return something- it will be an hour and a half away to do so. Now I just sound like a bitch who isn't appreciative.... (sigh)
I just wish our families weren't so different sometimes. Overall, I do feel lucky and blessed that there are so many people who are excited for us and want to celebrate. I know that this is a celebration for them too.
********************************************
I also wish my mom was here to give advice or to talk too about this. She was always good at this thing and today is her birthday. So I would like to say, happy birthday mom! I love you.
Friday, November 02, 2007
My Experience With God Part Two: My Personal Hell
Often, in the past, I have wondered what hell would be like- if it did exist. I honestly don't believe in hell now because I have already lived mine.
To completely understand I have to give you some back story about the last 3 years of my life. As you know, the past two have been filled with the grief and loss of my five pregnancies. But my grief actually started a year earlier and was actually much more acute and more complicated because my first loss occurred within days of my losing my mom.
Three years ago, my mom, my best friend, was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She was the unfortunate person who had the rarest form of lung cancer. Small-cell lung cancer and, when left untreated, most people only live 3 months. The best odds were 1-1/2 years, tops. When I entered grief counseling, 6 months after her diagnosis, the therapist asked me to use a couple words to describe my mom and her role in the family. It was simple- she was our foundation. Our cornerstone.
After making the 8-hour, monthly trips between my parents home and mine for 1-1/2 years, going with her to the salon so she could shave off her hair so she she wouldn't have to watch it fall into the shower drain anymore, and hugging through the highs and crying through the lows. And finally, after trying to construct a picture of my life without her in it- the doctor finally said the cancer was out running her. Outrunning the treatments. It was time to let go and let hospice take over. The doctor told us that it would likely be over within 10 days.
So that is what we did. We set her up with hospice and tried to make it the most comfortable days of her life. There is nothing that she couldn't request that we wouldn't do or give. Encouraging her to eat all her favorite foods, whatever we could to make her smile. After all that, there was nothing left to do but hold her hand and pray.
During all of this, I made a trip home for my first u/s. This is when my doctors confirmed my first miscarriage. They thought that maybe my dates were wrong but I knew it was a blighted ovum. I will never forget looking at that empty u/s screen knowing there was going to be no picture to show my mom. I knew the dates were right but they insisted on blood draws. The end result was the same. There was no baby. There was going to be no June birth. And there was no mom to comfort me, or mom hug to help me get through it. I had a few precious days left with my mom and I left her to find out this news. When I made it back to my parents house she had slipped into a trace like state and could not longer respond to our words or touch. To even think about it now has me sobbing with tears- the pain still cuts me deeply.
My aunt and my sisters were all there, in my parents home. I suddenly realized I was living the worst possible nightmare I could have ever imagined for myself, I realized this was my hell. I looked at my aunt and said, "This is like a nightmare- I am living in my own personal hell right now- I want to wake up and can't." I knew I was going to lose my mom and my baby within the same week. As fate would have it I started my miscarriage three days after she died and it lasted about a week. I was trapped in my own personal hell.
All I kept thinking was, "How is this happening to me?... God must have mistaken me for someone else because I can't do this... I can't make it." Surely, God was mistaken. Seriously mistaken about what I could emotionally take. I told one of my good friends, who had been supporting me as best she could, "I know that people say God knows your limits but I think he has mistaken me for someone else. Seriously, I don't see how I am going to make it. How can I go through all of this without my mom? This is way beyond me- beyond my limits."
We came home to re-group before going to my mom's home state and town for her memorial service. While I was driving alone- I was conversing and crying with God about how He had mistaken me- how could have He thought I was that strong of a person? I told Him that He had overestimated me and my emotional strength. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I happened to look over to my left and across the road was little church, a church I had driven by hundreds of times without really noticing it. The sign in front of it said, "God knows your limits."
*****************************
Added 11/03
Niobe, in the comment part, brought up a point that I didn't mention how I felt when reading that sign. Which brings up the point that you, other readers, may wonder too- here is what I came up with:
Niobe-
I am not really sure how I felt- I guess I was more surprised than anything. Then I remember thinking "Okay, I hear you but I still don't like you. And this still sucks and is unfair." Since then I have tried to remember that I need to keep my faith. I still try to remember that sign and think God is with me even when I can't feel Him. Perhaps it's like the Footprints poem- I couldn't or can't feel His presence because I am being carried- does that makes sense?
Looking back, I can see that I was strong enough but only because I am physically here. I still can't tell you how I made it through and dealt with everything. But I don't think I was underestimating God, I think I was underestimating myself.
To completely understand I have to give you some back story about the last 3 years of my life. As you know, the past two have been filled with the grief and loss of my five pregnancies. But my grief actually started a year earlier and was actually much more acute and more complicated because my first loss occurred within days of my losing my mom.
Three years ago, my mom, my best friend, was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She was the unfortunate person who had the rarest form of lung cancer. Small-cell lung cancer and, when left untreated, most people only live 3 months. The best odds were 1-1/2 years, tops. When I entered grief counseling, 6 months after her diagnosis, the therapist asked me to use a couple words to describe my mom and her role in the family. It was simple- she was our foundation. Our cornerstone.
After making the 8-hour, monthly trips between my parents home and mine for 1-1/2 years, going with her to the salon so she could shave off her hair so she she wouldn't have to watch it fall into the shower drain anymore, and hugging through the highs and crying through the lows. And finally, after trying to construct a picture of my life without her in it- the doctor finally said the cancer was out running her. Outrunning the treatments. It was time to let go and let hospice take over. The doctor told us that it would likely be over within 10 days.
So that is what we did. We set her up with hospice and tried to make it the most comfortable days of her life. There is nothing that she couldn't request that we wouldn't do or give. Encouraging her to eat all her favorite foods, whatever we could to make her smile. After all that, there was nothing left to do but hold her hand and pray.
During all of this, I made a trip home for my first u/s. This is when my doctors confirmed my first miscarriage. They thought that maybe my dates were wrong but I knew it was a blighted ovum. I will never forget looking at that empty u/s screen knowing there was going to be no picture to show my mom. I knew the dates were right but they insisted on blood draws. The end result was the same. There was no baby. There was going to be no June birth. And there was no mom to comfort me, or mom hug to help me get through it. I had a few precious days left with my mom and I left her to find out this news. When I made it back to my parents house she had slipped into a trace like state and could not longer respond to our words or touch. To even think about it now has me sobbing with tears- the pain still cuts me deeply.
My aunt and my sisters were all there, in my parents home. I suddenly realized I was living the worst possible nightmare I could have ever imagined for myself, I realized this was my hell. I looked at my aunt and said, "This is like a nightmare- I am living in my own personal hell right now- I want to wake up and can't." I knew I was going to lose my mom and my baby within the same week. As fate would have it I started my miscarriage three days after she died and it lasted about a week. I was trapped in my own personal hell.
All I kept thinking was, "How is this happening to me?... God must have mistaken me for someone else because I can't do this... I can't make it." Surely, God was mistaken. Seriously mistaken about what I could emotionally take. I told one of my good friends, who had been supporting me as best she could, "I know that people say God knows your limits but I think he has mistaken me for someone else. Seriously, I don't see how I am going to make it. How can I go through all of this without my mom? This is way beyond me- beyond my limits."
We came home to re-group before going to my mom's home state and town for her memorial service. While I was driving alone- I was conversing and crying with God about how He had mistaken me- how could have He thought I was that strong of a person? I told Him that He had overestimated me and my emotional strength. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I happened to look over to my left and across the road was little church, a church I had driven by hundreds of times without really noticing it. The sign in front of it said, "God knows your limits."
*****************************
Added 11/03
Niobe, in the comment part, brought up a point that I didn't mention how I felt when reading that sign. Which brings up the point that you, other readers, may wonder too- here is what I came up with:
Niobe-
I am not really sure how I felt- I guess I was more surprised than anything. Then I remember thinking "Okay, I hear you but I still don't like you. And this still sucks and is unfair." Since then I have tried to remember that I need to keep my faith. I still try to remember that sign and think God is with me even when I can't feel Him. Perhaps it's like the Footprints poem- I couldn't or can't feel His presence because I am being carried- does that makes sense?
Looking back, I can see that I was strong enough but only because I am physically here. I still can't tell you how I made it through and dealt with everything. But I don't think I was underestimating God, I think I was underestimating myself.
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