I felt I would share my experience after reading about Mel's Bad Breakup.
I had a friendship change with one simple comment. We are still friends but she has no idea that she changed our friendship forever one night. If you have read my blog recently you know that I lost my mom and my first pregnancy within days of each other.
My friend and I had met at summer camp when we were 9-- so at the time we had been friends for about 16 years. She was my maid-of-honor at my wedding and we had seen each other through much over the years. Looking back, I know her comment was more about where she was in her life but it doesn't change what happened.
I had just made the 8 hour trip back to my parents house after finding out that I was likely going to miscarry and found that my mom had stopped talking and opening her eyes while I was gone. I called her because I was a wreck, bawling my eyes out. I needed a voice of comfort, someone who I thought would just love me and listen- someone who wasn't consumed in their own grief. I will never forget her response as I choked out between sobs what had happened.
She said, "How can you be surprised with all the stress you have been under?"
My trust in her was broken in that instant and things changed forever.
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4 comments:
Sometimes it doesn't matter how much we know about human behaviour and where people are struggling in their own lives. I know I've told you this before but sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can break your heart. How terrible to even have that as a memory. We love you bunches and always have you in our thoughts.
I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. It sounds like it was a triple loss - in addition to your mom and your baby, you also lost a friendship in the form that it had been for so many years. (Even if you are still friends, as you said, it changed it forever.)
I can relate; when R and I were matched with a birthmom a few years back, we had traveled half way across the country to be there when the baby was born. The birth mom wound up going to the hospital without us, and we were in a hotel room waiting to find out if she was going to place with us or not. (She didn't.) While we were waiting, my best friend (also the maid of honor at our wedding) was one of the few people I called. She had just had her first baby a week before. (She got pg one month after she got married, without even trying.)
While we were on the phone, her baby started to cry in the background, and she said to me, "Are you really sure you want one of these?" It was all I could do not to hang up on her.
Somehow, I managed to chalk it up to her being sleep deprived, and while I was really hurt about it for a while, it didn't wind up altering our friendship in the long run. But I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that other than that one momentary lapse, she's been absolutely terrific throughout our IF nightmare. But still, it was incredibly painful at the time.
Ouch.
I can completely understand why it is hard for you to shake this memory. I often complain that I wish my memory wasn't so good because I remember things said that I wish I didn't. My only consolation though is trying to remember that I am sure I have said things that unintentionally hurt someone else too. I wish I hadn't, but I'll bet I have.
I don't think we can reminded often enough to speak slowly, gently and with great care. I am going to carry that reminder with me today. Thank you.
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