Guarded

Thank you to all who posted-- I had no idea that so many people stopped by my blog or maybe there were some first timers in there (not that it matters). All the warmth and positive energy you sent warmed my heart. Thank you.

Guarded is the best word to describe how I am emotionally right now.

Before I tell you what my number was I want to tell you briefly about my first pregnancy. The one that started my RPL rollercoaster. When I got a positive pregnancy test and called the doctor, like many of us do, they took my hcg level twice. It went up like it should. I had fading symptoms but still had them.

At 10 weeks, 5 days after my dad called and said they were putting my mom in hospice, I was to have my first u/s. I left my mom's side to go and before leaving I told her I would bring her back a picture of our baby, her second grandchild.

When I looked at the u/s screen it was heartbreaking. Gut wrenching, tear my heart out through my throat, pour acid into my eyes painful. The u/s screen was empty. Just empty- no sac, no anything. N.o.t.h.i.n.g. The doctor thought that I had gotten my dates wrong- in fact he insisted I got my dates wrong. I knew better though. He further insisted that I get another hcg level done- it was over 27,000. My mom died November 7th. Three days later my numbers plummeted, the cramping began, and my miscarriage started. My world just fell apart, crumbled-- and I was helpless.

This is why I am guarded-- I have been here before. In this very place with similar symptoms and all.

My hcg number went from 43 to 140 in 48 hours.

My doctor scheduled my u/s in two weeks-- Nov. 7th 8:30 am.