Primary v. Secondary

I always wondered about the difference between those who had primary infertility and secondary. Sometimes I wonder if I count as primary since truly I was, and still am, and RPL'er. However, do often link myself to those suffering with primary infertility. Can an RPL'er be infertile????

Since, in this discussion, I was a primary I can tell you how hard it was... or is depending on your point of view. You have the constant wondering if you will even have a family. If you will ever have the precious, sticky, pregnancy. If the fertility issue goes on long enough you start to bargain with God or the universe. You say, "If you just give me one healthy child I will..." Sadly, if you are at that point then you are already aware of what your odds are-- and that not every couple gets the pregnancy they so desperately want or deserve.

In the beginning of Lil' P's pregnancy I was always happiest when I felt the worst. Of course I was anxious and worried, but if I was feeling bad I knew there was some hope. Then as the pregnancy progressed each time I found myself not being able to get close enough to the counter, or needing to get off my feet because I knew that my back would surely break, or tossing and turning trying to get into a comfortable sleep-- I was smiling on the inside that I was given a healthy pregnancy. While times of the pregnancy were challenging, I loved each and every minute because I didn't know if I would be given another chance.

As a secondary, I think that a couple, or family, sit there in as much surprise as the primary couple. It was likely very easy the first time and now they are trying to figure out what went wrong. What changed. Maybe they look back at their first pregnancy and say, "I wish I had paid closer attention to my pregnancy-- I wish I had tried to enjoy it more." Do they wish they had complained less about the swollen ankles, the morning sickness, or the back aches? Perhaps, it is significantly more difficult for them because they didn't know it could be their last and only time.

What do you think? What was your experience?

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope that everyone has safe travels and a wonderful, peaceful holiday!

Poor Posting Week

Sorry I have not commenting on everyones blog like I usually do (or posting on mine). It's been crazy this week for the following reasons---

- I finally have a work project. Not a big one but I will take it. It means money- Yay!
- My sister hurt her back and I have been trying to help her out.
- Lil' P has NOT been sleeping well at all.
- It seems like he is sick every other day, so we are at the doctors office every other day.
- I am helping one of my friends look for jobs here as she, and her family of 4, are possibly relocating.
- And of course I am trying to read the 4th book of the Twli.ght series.

That about all- and I hope all is well in your world!!

Team Jacob

So I have been reading the book series Tw.light. I know, I know-- it's for teens! But after several recommendations from friends and family I finally caved. I will try not to go into too much detail as there could be someone out there who is still waiting to finish the series. Hell, I still haven't started the 4th book! But I will have to describe some of what is going on-- so be forewarned there is a spoiler ahead!

While sad, the turn of events is this series truly does keep me up at night. I actually dream about. (Yes, I realize that I am a little over zealous!)
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The main character, Bel.la, has found herself in love triangle.

Edwar.d is her first love. The first person she ever really gave herself too. It's full of passion and excitement-- drama. She is mesmerized by his smile, his laugh. She is incomplete without him. She is consumed by his mere presence.

Then you have J.acob. Solid, kind, warm, and easy to be with. Safe. There is drama within their relationship but it pales in comparison. At one point in the book she describes him as her "sun... who fills the holes in my [her] life."

Now---

Aren't all first loves completely consuming? Aren't they all filled with drama? Isn't the drama what gives the couple the passion? I mean, I know mine was. I was so in love with my first real boyfriend. I would have given just about anything to be back with him after we broke up. I felt completely lost without him. This went on for about two years. I realize that there is still a part of me that still loves him. That always will.

Then I found L. L and I defiantly had drama in our relationship at first (and still do at times) but there was still so much more. We were able to grow together-- find balance within our relationship. My infatuation, I guess ours, turned to something deeper. I feel like we are the package that I always talked about wanting. Safe. Solid. L would have to do something very dramatic in order to lose me, and vice versa- but let's not go there.

Here is what my problem is--- I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why she would choose Edward. Why? I find myself wanting pull her out of the book, slap her, and give her reality check. How is she willing to throw away the comfort and safety of someone she loves, Jacob? Someone she can trust? Someone who has never left her? How can she sign herself up for an eternity of drama? Why is she so willing to leave her friends and parents, her loved ones, behind? She has no idea what is in store for Edward. No idea what could happen to him, when/if he could be killed. And she could be left with an eternity to cope the aftermath. Why would you sign up for something like that???

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

A Friendship Changed

I felt I would share my experience after reading about Mel's Bad Breakup.

I had a friendship change with one simple comment. We are still friends but she has no idea that she changed our friendship forever one night. If you have read my blog recently you know that I lost my mom and my first pregnancy within days of each other.

My friend and I had met at summer camp when we were 9-- so at the time we had been friends for about 16 years. She was my maid-of-honor at my wedding and we had seen each other through much over the years. Looking back, I know her comment was more about where she was in her life but it doesn't change what happened.

I had just made the 8 hour trip back to my parents house after finding out that I was likely going to miscarry and found that my mom had stopped talking and opening her eyes while I was gone. I called her because I was a wreck, bawling my eyes out. I needed a voice of comfort, someone who I thought would just love me and listen- someone who wasn't consumed in their own grief. I will never forget her response as I choked out between sobs what had happened.

She said, "How can you be surprised with all the stress you have been under?"

My trust in her was broken in that instant and things changed forever.

Your Title

So I was wondering how you came up with the title of your blog. Did you ponder it for days or did it just come to you? Was it an epiphany-- an "ah-ha!" moment? Or did you know the moment you started typing?

Mine was pretty straight forward---

I decided I wanted to start a blog because I needed to get out my emotions somehow while still being a little creative. I started to think about fertility and how I once heard a friend say it was "easy to become a mom"--- I thought "Ha! What a load of crap!"

While accurate, I didn't think that was the best blog title so here you have it--- Motherhood (the not so easy road)

Honoring Mom

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death.

Often, when I think of my mom, I remember a lilac bush that we had in front of our house growing up. We would open our windows when the weather warmed- and if the breeze was just right the scent of the lilacs would pour into our house. It always made her smile...

It's hard for me to be a mom without a mom. There are so many questions I want answered. So many days when I just cry from not knowing what to do and wishing she was just a phone call away. I valued our friendship and trust deeply-- we were so much alike.

God, how I miss her.

I pray that she can feel my love all the way in heaven, especially today.

In Line for My Rainbow

I am really not a pessimist-- though I suspect many of you think I am. I am just very honest about how I feel and think. I understand my reality quite well and it took me two years to accept it.

I have officially started to miscarry today as I suspected I would. And I am just very, very sad.

The loss of this little baby will leave a little mark on my heart along with his or her brothers and sisters. I guess once an RPL'er always an RPL'er.

I wrote this post not long ago. In it I spoke about how if you have a problem you are in line for a miracle. Does wanting another child still make me in line for one? Is wanting a miracle twice, maybe even three times, too much to ask for one couple- one family- one lifetime? Does it make me selfish? I don't know. But I hope that God still considers me in line.

The pain and sadness is just as deep as it ever was but the depth of anxiety and fear that was ever present in my previous losses has disappeared. The wondering if I will ever feel a baby move or hold a child, well, it's gone-- I am blessed with my little boy. My sweet Lil' P. And if our son is the only earth bound child we ever have, while L and I will be deeply sad, we will know how blessed we are-- and we will be okay.

There are two things I have learned throughout my short experience of life- it's that love knows no time or distance. And my family of nine -nine!- knows how much I love each of them.

And that in order to see a rainbow the rain must have already passed you by.

Childhood Story

In fairness, since I am sharing my story-- I think that you should post yours on your blog and leave a link so we can all read too! Come on- it'll be fun!!
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So there is a story about me when I was growing up that my family just loooooves to tell. (I always picture my mom trying so hard not to hysterically laugh when I think of this story---)

Picture it, Michigan, 1982, summertime. A little girl sits on her family's back porch and just cries and cries as her mother and sisters bury the family bird Sunshine (he was yellow). After the burial, the little girl just continues to sob.

The mother, thinks "I had no idea she was so attached to that bird..." So she sits down next to weeping girl hoping to find some words of comfort. After a few minutes the mother begins to talk quietly and attempts to engage her in some conversation. The truth of the tears is soon revealed--

The little girl is crying because the boxed used for the burial was the one her new shoes had come in-- and believes the family buried her shoes along with the bird.

(In my defense, those shoes were totally kickin'!!! They were cute white patent shoes, you know the shiny kind with the silver buckle?? You would have cried too.... hmph!)