Mixed

I've got mixed emotions... I don't think that I am producing enough breast milk to satisfy Lil' P anymore. I have tried increasing the times that I nurse, I let him nurse off both sides for 15- 20 minutes each, I let him nurse for about 40 minutes total, and I drink at least 1 liter of water a day. Nothing seems to help...

Now the only time he appears satisfied is when I give him 2 oz of formula in addition to a feeding. I want him to be satisfied but I feel like I am not doing my part as a mom anymore- like I am doing something wrong. I am now wondering if this is one of the reasons he has had so much trouble napping during the day. I am currently trying out "milkshakes"- half breast milk and half formula. Mmmm, a tasty treat!

Ironically, it wasn't that long ago where all I wanted to do was give up on breast feeding and now here I am. I wasn't prepared for the amount of guilt that came along with this job.

Ahhh... motherhood, good times, good times- but I still wouldn't trade it for anything.

Odd....

I annoy myself when I do this yet I can't seem to stop...

why, when people become parents, do they refer to themselves in the 3rd person- and it's acceptable?

Is It Wrong...

that when I finish my cup of M.oose Track.s Extre.me Icecream that I wish my tongue were long enough to lick out the inside?

Bad Idea

My bad idea was to watch Criminal Minds non-stop on this website.

It's a great show (if only I were smart enough to be a profiler, damn!)... but L is out of town and I am now so paranoid, 'cause I am the only one who can protect Lil' P, I am thinking about getting a baseball bat for the bedroom.

And I have to sleep with the living room light on... how old am I again???

A Dedication

I was driving the other day and began to cry as I listened to this song. It reminded me of the RPL and Infertility experience. While I find myself on the other side of my journey it remains with me. So I dedicate this song to all the beautiful women out there who are coping with this painful situation and to those who have reached the conclusion their journey.

Go On My Child by Mich.elle Feather.stone

Don't hang your head low 'cause I can't see your face
In your reflection I see your beauty embrace
And when the light shines bright to show you your way
Do not be weary don't turn your head away

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Your soul is aching and it's dying to be heard
This might be painful but consider the worth
And when you feel like there's nobody on your side
They will embrace you with a radiant smile

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

So you wanna give up and you can't find strength
But I believe that you will make it in the end
So you wanna step back and you want to retreat
But I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
Nothing you can't be

Don't feel so naked I am the blanket of hope
Your words are life rafts and they keep us afloat
And when this long painful journey comes to an end
They will be touched by the message
The message you've sent

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Smile