Cheers To A New Year

Hoping your new year brings you peace and many unexpected joys!

My Bad Peoples

The decision to actually have a u/s was made today but it will actually take place later this week. I will post when I am ready as the day could bring many things. Thanks for caring about me :)

The Finale of Christmas Favorites: Pictures

A picture to treasure for years to come.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Tuesday: The Results Show

It's slightly more clear--- quick recap:

1st draw--- Hcg (6), Progesterone (25.3)

2nd draw after 48 hours--- Hcg (25), No Progesterone taken

3rd draw (5 days later)--- Hcg (337), Progesterone (18)

Now---

4th draw (6 days later)--- Hcg (4,437), Progesterone (29.2)

My doctor was out but my trusty nurse called anyway (I love her!). She believes that a u/s will be ordered next and I concur. Monday is when I will know the final decision. I am just taking this one step at a time right now...

Day 2 of Christmas Favorites: Ornaments

I have no idea why this is one of my favorite ornament- it just is!

What's yours?

Day 1 of Christmas Favorites: Cookies!

This is a recipe that I made two years ago- it now has a cultish following.

L's family requests it every year for Christmas, it was the only thing my SIL could eat when she was pregnant with her first. Last year, my ob (including her staff) requested the recipe when I made them for the office-- she actually asked me twice for it. I really thought she was just being polite the first time she asked- my bad! Now, my sister and dad ask for it each Christmas Eve. I have to make a double batch these days. The picture to the right is what the completed cookie should look like.

The recipe, Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies, was originally in this book. It has many great recipes, but try not to be alarmed about the amount of butter many of them call for :) This cookie and may others are great for any special (or non-special occasion). I hope you get the chance to try this!

So here it is---

1 cup sugar
1/2 cup softened butter
1 egg
1-1/2 tsp. vanilla
1-1/2 cup flour
1/4 cup unsweetened coco powder
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 jar of halved marashino cherries (save the juice)
1- 6oz. pkg. a semi- sweet chocolate (pieces- I use bakers chocolate)
1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk

1. Beat sugar and butter together until fluffy
2. Add egg and vanilla- mix well
3. In seperate bowl- flour through salt- mix well
4. Shape dough into balls
5. Indent center (I use a 1/4 tsp to do this step)
6. Place half cherry in each indention
7. In a sauce pan- melt together tne chocolate pieces and sweetened milk. Once melted add cherry juice until spreadable consistency.
8. 1/2 to 1 tsp. of chocolate sauce on top of each cherry (cover the cherry)
9. Bake @ 350 for 13-15 minutes

Please share your favorite Christmas cookie-- Happy Baking Everyone!!

(Sigh)...

Well, it's still unclear.

1st draw--- Hcg (6), Progesterone (25.3)

2nd draw after 48 hours--- Hcg (25), No Progesterone taken

3rd draw (5 days later)--- Hcg (337), Progesterone (18)

My doctor was out today but I am pretty sure that she will put me suppositories at least once daily tomorrow. I would be okay if she wanted to do another draw. The drop in progesterone is not inspiring.

So we are continuing to wait and see. I just feel so disheartened right now.
*************
Added 12/18--- I will be on 200mg of prometrium nightly and more blood work on Monday. The results show will be Tuesday.

Duct Tape At Work

It really does fix everything.

Second Draw

says (in voice of family feud)... !

Hcg- 25.

I wasn't going to be pleased with anything under 36 to be honest. I feel like it went up just "enough". Does that make sense?

Also, here is a quick history of the last month and tell me what you think---

11/6- m/c

11/20- follow up (this the start of the 3rd week since m/c)

12/4 and 12/6- negative h.pt (this is the start of week 5 since m/c)

12/08- positive hp.t (this is middle of week 5 since m/c)

Are there any guesses as to how far along you think I am? I just wish I had some kind of idea. If it's any more than 12dpo then it's not looking good.

There was no progesterone draw this time. Assuming that my doctor wants more lab work on next Tuesday, and I am guessing she will, there will be one then.

The numbers on Tuesday will be back Wednesday so I will post then, unless of course, I miscarry before then. Until then, we will just wait and see--- such is the life of an RPL'er.

Crown, Sash, or Septor?

Which one do you think I should get for myself? I personally like the idea of a septor. Then I can whack people when they irritate me--- [grin]

None of you were around in my early days but I have decided that I am officially reclaiming my title as 'Most Fertile RPL'er' E.V.E.R.

I started to feel like I was pregnant late last week so I took an E.p.t and it came out negative. I decided to give it another day or two and Saturday morning E.p.t still said negative. So I went through the weekend and these situations kept arising that O.N.L.Y occur when I am pregnant. So I broke down, got my trusty CBE D.igitals (because I hate staring at an hpt for hours trying to "see" if I see line) and it popped up "pregnant".

I go to my OB's office that morning, without calling, to get my bloodwork completed- because you know we roll like that- and they call me back today with the numbers.

It's a 6.

Who the hell gets a 6 for an hcg (beta) number???? I have n.e.v.e.r gotten a number that low, even in my one chemical pregnancy. Seriously, a 6????

Either this pregnancy is waaaaaay super early or I have a chemical pregnancy waiting to happen.

I asked my nurse if it even counted since it was so low, she said it does. My progesterone is a 25.3 so at least that indicates pregnancy (and that was fasting if you are wondering).

I spoke to one of my friends about this--- she suggested I take another pregnancy test. The reasoning being that, if it were a chemical pregnancy, it wouldn't turn up positive again. But blast! I had already gone to the bathroom. I think I will try this again in a few hours. Or maybe not. This will end up how ever it's going to end up.... (sigh). L has threatened to stop having s.ex with me because every time I end up pregnant.

I think my new tag line will be----

A perpetual state of pregnancy since 2005!

***********
Edited 4:10pm-- CBE Digital Retake says 'pregnant'

Intersting Effect

I have a friend from high school who was pretty flighty. I love her but seriously, she didn't always act like the sharpest knife in the drawer. Although, it wasn't because she wasn't smart- if that makes any sense.

Another friend from high school was fairly defiant with her parents (i.e-sneaking out of the house with boys at the age of 12).

Both of them had children very young, before the age of 20. What amazes me is I have never seen two people as grounded as these two women are. They are amazing and they love their children dearly and are raising them to be good, honest people.

I wonder why children can't have this effect on everyone.

When Does It Change?

So (un)complicate me inspired this post when she spoke about "going home" as in, her parents house. Not the home she currently lives in with her husband J and expects to bring her little one home to.

This got me thinking about my little quirk---

I have lived in the same state for over 7 years I still don't know how to answer the question, "Where are you from?" I typically reply, "Where do I live or where did I grow up?" Now, to be upfront, I usually ask this because people notice that I have an accent [insert eye roll here].

I anticipate that this will change when I have lived in my current place of residence the same amount of time as my childhood home.

Any quirks that you want to share????

Grab The Cheese

Because I am about to "wine". I love my son but I am about to whine about how he is quickly growing up ~~sniff~~ and getting sick.

I feel like this month has just raked me over the coals. I am so, so tired and Lil' P hasn't slept well in over a month. It's just been one thing after another with him lately.

Physically---
He got a double ear infection at the start of the month.
Then he went through a growth spurt that I swear lasted a week.
Then he got a "rash" that turned out to be Eczema.
Then he got his 6 month vaccinations and his flu shot.
Over Thanksgiving weekend he got another double ear infection.
And he officially cut his first tooth today.

Developmentally---
Just after 5-1/2 months he had learned to straight up without help.
Just shy of 6 months he started eating solid foods.
A week after that he started rolling over from his back to stomach.
Then another week went by and he could easily go from stomach to back.
Now he is able to pick things up with one hand.
And is constantly getting onto his stomach (despite this maneuver making him cry) so he can try to crawl.
The boy cannot stay still- even during the 30 minutes that he does sleep he is still moving!

All these things are great and exciting but when they all occur at the same time time it equals poor, poor sleep. For everyone. Do you know that one night he didn't go to sleep until 2am???? Mostly, it's remarkably, and sadly, close to the new born stage in how he sleeps-- a block of three hours and one hour blocks thereafter.

Me---
I got one more small work project and a big one.
And I am sick.
Did I mention how tired I was?

Glad you grabbed the cheese while I supplied the "wine"???

Primary v. Secondary

I always wondered about the difference between those who had primary infertility and secondary. Sometimes I wonder if I count as primary since truly I was, and still am, and RPL'er. However, do often link myself to those suffering with primary infertility. Can an RPL'er be infertile????

Since, in this discussion, I was a primary I can tell you how hard it was... or is depending on your point of view. You have the constant wondering if you will even have a family. If you will ever have the precious, sticky, pregnancy. If the fertility issue goes on long enough you start to bargain with God or the universe. You say, "If you just give me one healthy child I will..." Sadly, if you are at that point then you are already aware of what your odds are-- and that not every couple gets the pregnancy they so desperately want or deserve.

In the beginning of Lil' P's pregnancy I was always happiest when I felt the worst. Of course I was anxious and worried, but if I was feeling bad I knew there was some hope. Then as the pregnancy progressed each time I found myself not being able to get close enough to the counter, or needing to get off my feet because I knew that my back would surely break, or tossing and turning trying to get into a comfortable sleep-- I was smiling on the inside that I was given a healthy pregnancy. While times of the pregnancy were challenging, I loved each and every minute because I didn't know if I would be given another chance.

As a secondary, I think that a couple, or family, sit there in as much surprise as the primary couple. It was likely very easy the first time and now they are trying to figure out what went wrong. What changed. Maybe they look back at their first pregnancy and say, "I wish I had paid closer attention to my pregnancy-- I wish I had tried to enjoy it more." Do they wish they had complained less about the swollen ankles, the morning sickness, or the back aches? Perhaps, it is significantly more difficult for them because they didn't know it could be their last and only time.

What do you think? What was your experience?

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope that everyone has safe travels and a wonderful, peaceful holiday!

Poor Posting Week

Sorry I have not commenting on everyones blog like I usually do (or posting on mine). It's been crazy this week for the following reasons---

- I finally have a work project. Not a big one but I will take it. It means money- Yay!
- My sister hurt her back and I have been trying to help her out.
- Lil' P has NOT been sleeping well at all.
- It seems like he is sick every other day, so we are at the doctors office every other day.
- I am helping one of my friends look for jobs here as she, and her family of 4, are possibly relocating.
- And of course I am trying to read the 4th book of the Twli.ght series.

That about all- and I hope all is well in your world!!

Team Jacob

So I have been reading the book series Tw.light. I know, I know-- it's for teens! But after several recommendations from friends and family I finally caved. I will try not to go into too much detail as there could be someone out there who is still waiting to finish the series. Hell, I still haven't started the 4th book! But I will have to describe some of what is going on-- so be forewarned there is a spoiler ahead!

While sad, the turn of events is this series truly does keep me up at night. I actually dream about. (Yes, I realize that I am a little over zealous!)
***********

The main character, Bel.la, has found herself in love triangle.

Edwar.d is her first love. The first person she ever really gave herself too. It's full of passion and excitement-- drama. She is mesmerized by his smile, his laugh. She is incomplete without him. She is consumed by his mere presence.

Then you have J.acob. Solid, kind, warm, and easy to be with. Safe. There is drama within their relationship but it pales in comparison. At one point in the book she describes him as her "sun... who fills the holes in my [her] life."

Now---

Aren't all first loves completely consuming? Aren't they all filled with drama? Isn't the drama what gives the couple the passion? I mean, I know mine was. I was so in love with my first real boyfriend. I would have given just about anything to be back with him after we broke up. I felt completely lost without him. This went on for about two years. I realize that there is still a part of me that still loves him. That always will.

Then I found L. L and I defiantly had drama in our relationship at first (and still do at times) but there was still so much more. We were able to grow together-- find balance within our relationship. My infatuation, I guess ours, turned to something deeper. I feel like we are the package that I always talked about wanting. Safe. Solid. L would have to do something very dramatic in order to lose me, and vice versa- but let's not go there.

Here is what my problem is--- I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why she would choose Edward. Why? I find myself wanting pull her out of the book, slap her, and give her reality check. How is she willing to throw away the comfort and safety of someone she loves, Jacob? Someone she can trust? Someone who has never left her? How can she sign herself up for an eternity of drama? Why is she so willing to leave her friends and parents, her loved ones, behind? She has no idea what is in store for Edward. No idea what could happen to him, when/if he could be killed. And she could be left with an eternity to cope the aftermath. Why would you sign up for something like that???

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

A Friendship Changed

I felt I would share my experience after reading about Mel's Bad Breakup.

I had a friendship change with one simple comment. We are still friends but she has no idea that she changed our friendship forever one night. If you have read my blog recently you know that I lost my mom and my first pregnancy within days of each other.

My friend and I had met at summer camp when we were 9-- so at the time we had been friends for about 16 years. She was my maid-of-honor at my wedding and we had seen each other through much over the years. Looking back, I know her comment was more about where she was in her life but it doesn't change what happened.

I had just made the 8 hour trip back to my parents house after finding out that I was likely going to miscarry and found that my mom had stopped talking and opening her eyes while I was gone. I called her because I was a wreck, bawling my eyes out. I needed a voice of comfort, someone who I thought would just love me and listen- someone who wasn't consumed in their own grief. I will never forget her response as I choked out between sobs what had happened.

She said, "How can you be surprised with all the stress you have been under?"

My trust in her was broken in that instant and things changed forever.

Your Title

So I was wondering how you came up with the title of your blog. Did you ponder it for days or did it just come to you? Was it an epiphany-- an "ah-ha!" moment? Or did you know the moment you started typing?

Mine was pretty straight forward---

I decided I wanted to start a blog because I needed to get out my emotions somehow while still being a little creative. I started to think about fertility and how I once heard a friend say it was "easy to become a mom"--- I thought "Ha! What a load of crap!"

While accurate, I didn't think that was the best blog title so here you have it--- Motherhood (the not so easy road)

Honoring Mom

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death.

Often, when I think of my mom, I remember a lilac bush that we had in front of our house growing up. We would open our windows when the weather warmed- and if the breeze was just right the scent of the lilacs would pour into our house. It always made her smile...

It's hard for me to be a mom without a mom. There are so many questions I want answered. So many days when I just cry from not knowing what to do and wishing she was just a phone call away. I valued our friendship and trust deeply-- we were so much alike.

God, how I miss her.

I pray that she can feel my love all the way in heaven, especially today.

In Line for My Rainbow

I am really not a pessimist-- though I suspect many of you think I am. I am just very honest about how I feel and think. I understand my reality quite well and it took me two years to accept it.

I have officially started to miscarry today as I suspected I would. And I am just very, very sad.

The loss of this little baby will leave a little mark on my heart along with his or her brothers and sisters. I guess once an RPL'er always an RPL'er.

I wrote this post not long ago. In it I spoke about how if you have a problem you are in line for a miracle. Does wanting another child still make me in line for one? Is wanting a miracle twice, maybe even three times, too much to ask for one couple- one family- one lifetime? Does it make me selfish? I don't know. But I hope that God still considers me in line.

The pain and sadness is just as deep as it ever was but the depth of anxiety and fear that was ever present in my previous losses has disappeared. The wondering if I will ever feel a baby move or hold a child, well, it's gone-- I am blessed with my little boy. My sweet Lil' P. And if our son is the only earth bound child we ever have, while L and I will be deeply sad, we will know how blessed we are-- and we will be okay.

There are two things I have learned throughout my short experience of life- it's that love knows no time or distance. And my family of nine -nine!- knows how much I love each of them.

And that in order to see a rainbow the rain must have already passed you by.

Childhood Story

In fairness, since I am sharing my story-- I think that you should post yours on your blog and leave a link so we can all read too! Come on- it'll be fun!!
****************

So there is a story about me when I was growing up that my family just loooooves to tell. (I always picture my mom trying so hard not to hysterically laugh when I think of this story---)

Picture it, Michigan, 1982, summertime. A little girl sits on her family's back porch and just cries and cries as her mother and sisters bury the family bird Sunshine (he was yellow). After the burial, the little girl just continues to sob.

The mother, thinks "I had no idea she was so attached to that bird..." So she sits down next to weeping girl hoping to find some words of comfort. After a few minutes the mother begins to talk quietly and attempts to engage her in some conversation. The truth of the tears is soon revealed--

The little girl is crying because the boxed used for the burial was the one her new shoes had come in-- and believes the family buried her shoes along with the bird.

(In my defense, those shoes were totally kickin'!!! They were cute white patent shoes, you know the shiny kind with the silver buckle?? You would have cried too.... hmph!)

A Not So Happy Halloween For This Cat

This is one pissed off kitty---

Gifts

Thank you again for all the support you have offered- you all are so sweet and kind. It's nice to have so many people holding my hand through this.

I thought that I would have a check in and share some things that I have been thinking about.

As far a symptoms- I don't have many. There are times when I have food aversions but it comes and goes. I only have waves of nausea and it seems to occur about 8pm and sometimes when I am up feeding Lil' P at 2am. However, I am not sure if that is because I have started to take my Metformin in the afternoon. (Does anyone have any idea when it starts to take effect???) More often, I have days where I feel like food is just sitting at the top of my throat (although I don't really think that's a symptom). Other than that I have breast tenderness that sometimes keeps me from falling asleep.

I am not feeling very confident about this pregnancy. I know that all pregnancies are different but this one reminds me more of the ones where I have miscarried than of Lil' P's. I feel like every symptom I have can be logically explained. And it just makes me sad. I feel sad for what could be. Hope still lingers but I also know my reality.

As I was re-reading people's comments I thought about how grateful I was that no one offered the "C" word. I think that most people would think that it's strange- I think it's a little strange. It got me thinking...

Congratulations are given and said to people when exciting things are going to happen. Such as people getting married or newly married, a new job, a promotion, a new car, a new home or apartment, and of course having a baby on the way. These are the wonderful, exciting things-- these things bring hope and joy. A reason for celebration.

I remember still being excited when I was pregnant the second time. I thought, "After everything I have been through, surely God wouldn't do this to me a second time." We were hopeful and excited- even told family and some friends. People offered their congratulations-- and it was heartbreaking to have to tell these same people that there was nothing to be celebrated anymore. There was no new baby coming. Again. Much like Pavlov's theory-- the word soon had a negative association instead of a positive one.

So when I hear, "Congratulations!", it assumes that something good and joyful is going to happen-- and that is just not my life. It's not my history.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that pregnancy to me, to many, is a beautiful, precious gift. It's a gift that I gladly accept and protect to the best of ability no matter how narrow of a scope that is--- but I also know it is not always a gift I get to open.

Two Worlds Collide

Guarded

Thank you to all who posted-- I had no idea that so many people stopped by my blog or maybe there were some first timers in there (not that it matters). All the warmth and positive energy you sent warmed my heart. Thank you.

Guarded is the best word to describe how I am emotionally right now.

Before I tell you what my number was I want to tell you briefly about my first pregnancy. The one that started my RPL rollercoaster. When I got a positive pregnancy test and called the doctor, like many of us do, they took my hcg level twice. It went up like it should. I had fading symptoms but still had them.

At 10 weeks, 5 days after my dad called and said they were putting my mom in hospice, I was to have my first u/s. I left my mom's side to go and before leaving I told her I would bring her back a picture of our baby, her second grandchild.

When I looked at the u/s screen it was heartbreaking. Gut wrenching, tear my heart out through my throat, pour acid into my eyes painful. The u/s screen was empty. Just empty- no sac, no anything. N.o.t.h.i.n.g. The doctor thought that I had gotten my dates wrong- in fact he insisted I got my dates wrong. I knew better though. He further insisted that I get another hcg level done- it was over 27,000. My mom died November 7th. Three days later my numbers plummeted, the cramping began, and my miscarriage started. My world just fell apart, crumbled-- and I was helpless.

This is why I am guarded-- I have been here before. In this very place with similar symptoms and all.

My hcg number went from 43 to 140 in 48 hours.

My doctor scheduled my u/s in two weeks-- Nov. 7th 8:30 am.

Corpus Luteum

I debated. And then I debated some more. Then I decided not to. Then I decided I would. Then I decided I wouldn't. Buuuut, then again, maybe I should.

Finally, I decided that I wanted my blog to be about honesty. Despite my not wanting my IRL friends to know-- because I am just not ready-- my desire to be honest won out. So here is this post.
***********

Corpus Leuteum??? Is it a suburb of Corpus Christie? Or a small town just north of it? No. No, my friends. It is not.

Corpus Luteum. Funny word when you say it. In the world of fertility, it's the follicle that produces progesterone when a women ovulates. This same crater-esk follicle continues to produce progesterone during pregnancy until the placenta can take over which occurs around 10-11 weeks.

Now, just about any RE will tell you they like the progesterone level over 20 when a woman is pregnant. Especially, a reproductively challenged woman. Some even speculate that progesterone levels are affected by eating and should only be taken while fasting. But the whole fasting thing? That just depends on your doctor...

What does this have to do with me? What does this have to do with me. That is a great question.

My hcg (beta) is 43.
My progesterone is 18.9.

No, I only have a general idea of how far along I am.

Yes, I did eat before I went in for my labs.

No, I am only seeing my ob right now.

Yes, I am going in for a second lab tomorrow.

Yes, I am currently on all my standard meds right now.

No, I will not find out the second set of numbers until Friday.

Yes, I know that the first numbers don't mean a lot without the second.

No, the numbers combined still won't mean anything to me.

Yes, my numbers have doubled in the past and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been lower and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been as high as 35 and I have still miscarried.

No, really, I am happy about this pregnancy and pray I get to meet this child soon.

Yes, I am more anxious than I would care to verbally express right now.

The Tasty Aroma of Fall

Since I am still not working (don't ask...) I find that I enjoy letting my creative side run free by trying new recipes. So I have been cooking or baking new recipes about 2-3 times a week for quite sometime. The recipes I try are generally healthy and cheap.

I always choose recipes that are easy to make and sound like they will make good left overs because in our house we are short on time and cash!

I am obsessed with cookies and fall so when I saw this recipe it seemed perfect for me to try!

I made this heavenly Iced Pumpkin Cookie recipe the other day. The house was filled with the warm aroma of pumpkin pie spices all day and night. It still hung slightly in the air the following morning-- it was a nice way to stick my nose out from underneath the covers :) I thought I should share it here and encourage you all to start baking this recipe (and hope that some of you actually do it!)

As I experimented with this recipe I discovered a few things--- 1) it's good without the icing
2) this cookie is a very moist, soft, and bread like so if you want it heavier, then you should add extra flour 3) while I am not a fan of having nuts in or on my food, the pecans really add that extra something it was missing 4) the icing really doesn't need that 1 tbsp. of butter (I accidentally discovered it melted in the microwave the following day - oops!)

After making the cookies I went back and looked at the comments-- I am going to take some of the suggestions the next time I bake these (because there will be a next time)! I will substitute the 1/2 cup of white sugar for brown, add crushed pecans by folding them into the dough, and will not put them in air tight container (I read this before I placed them in one- whew!)

I hope you take chance and try this recipe--- Happy Baking!!!

Listening to the Sweet Silence

I Remember

Though he would never say anything I know that L often looks at the ribbon on the back of my car and wonders if I will ever take it off. But it's how I let my little angels know I still honor them daily- and how much I miss them.

Over the years I have thought about my 5 angels. I wonder if they gave up their lives because they new that Lil' P had a great purpose to serve here on earth. Or if the prayer I said had anything to do with their having to leave. As I lost more babies the prayer became more gut wrenching to say but it always remained the same-- Dear God, Please let this baby stay with me, I want them so deeply it hurts and I am tired of my arms feeling empty. I want them to live a happy, long, healthy life here on earth but their health and happiness means more to me than my wanting them. So if their life cannot be this, then please take them into your loving arms and keep them safe.

Sending love, hugs, and kisses all the way to heaven... today and everyday.

That Stings

I am annoyed. And hurt.

My sisters and I planned to have family pictures done, with my dad, as his birthday present. This has been planned for two months. We told him to schedule something for that day but didn't tell him why- it was going to be a surprise. We were going to tell him this weekend at the family birthday celebration (which K is attending- K is his new girlfriend for those just tuning into the chaos that is sometimes my life).

We scheduled it for a day that was less than ideal because it was the only time we were all available. The actual day of the pictures was going to be difficult for a number of reasons...
1. These would be the first pictures of our family without mom.
2. The pictures would be taken one day after the anniversary of her death.
3. The pictures would be taken two days after what would have been her 62nd birthday.

He forgot and scheduled a trip. Plane tickets are bought.

This is so typical of my dad and I know- I know!- that he hasn't even put the dates together in his head yet. But that's not what stings...

He is scheduled to leave, the day of my mom's birthday, to go visit K's family.

Niiiiice Dad. Nice.

What makes me feel even more guilty? Is continuing to feel so hurt and annoyed, at both him and K, knowing that she has no idea what-so-ever.

It's Just A Box

It's just a little box that I picked up for a "just in case" scenario. This box is in almost every store across America and Europe. What's the big deal? It's just a box with some sticks inside.

But if it's really just a box how does it evoke so many different emotions in just a few seconds? Just staring at it in the isle... the waves of emotion flooded every sense of my being.

Anxious. Excited. Hopeful. Dread. Worry. Fear. Sadness. Guilt. Happy. Love. Curiosity.

My hand was shaking and my heart was fluttering as a I reached down for that little blue box. I felt as if I was somehow sealing my fate.

Life Events and Miracles

It's funny to me how a 5 month old (which he is today!) can already have a life event.

Not only was it a life event but the occasion of where it occurred seems to have greater and greater family significance as the life that L and I have created continues.

Lil' P was baptized last month in the same church that L's parents were married in, that my parents renewed their vows in, and that L and I were married in.

I couldn't help but tear up as I held Lil' P in my arms standing next to L. 4 years and 1 month, to the exact day, L and I stood on the same alter and took our vows to become man and wife. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health... and in our first 4 years together I feel like we have faced it all. So many things have had happened in our first 4 years of marriage that most couples don't face in their first 10- but we were lucky and our challenges brought us closer together. In it's own way, I consider that in it's self a miracle- our first miracle.

And there we were, blessed again, holding our second miracle. We were making the promise to God that we would make sure that Lil' P had a relationship with Him, know His love and that we, along with our church and family, would raise him to be a good person. Lil' P, our little earth baby, allowed us to speak for him that day. I felt so humbled, so grateful.

The sermon that day was about the "Anatomy of Miracles". The minister said that nowhere in the Bible is there a miracle that occured that was not directly linked to a problem.

So, if you have a problem it's a good thing- today might be your day to experience a miracle.

Fall Colors

Note Worthy Wednesday (Or Maybe Not)

- When L took Lil' P to his parents house on Saturday, it took a lot of strength for me to not cry.

- My a** is bigger and my boobs are smaller, how's that fair?????

- I saw myself in some recent pictures and was less than impressed with how I looked. So I am now trying to lose 11 pounds and using a website called Spar.kPeople.com. It's a great site and I would encourage anyone who is interested in losing weight to go look at it.

- I have started back on my PCOS diet (low carbs and sugars)... I miss not having to think about what and how much I am eating.

- I will start back to work early October, the second week. I am nervous because Lil' P and I have just started to get into a routine, now I am going to screw it all up. How am I going to add working to all the other things that I do??? Like I told R&R earlier, the label "working mother" annoys me because I believe it's redundant.

- I got my period back. It was the nicest period I have ever had in my life- it was practically painless. Amazing. And why do they call periods "Aunt Flow"? You would think that women would have given it a nickname relating to a man, only a man would cause a woman so much grief.

- I believe that my dreams sometime tell me about my future- particularly when I wake up still feeling whatever emotion was evoked during my dream. In my dream earlier this week L and I were pregnant with our 2nd baby and we were walking into our u/s. I am guessing that it was around the 20th week because we were still debating if we should find out the sex- we decided not too as she was putting the wand on my stomach. Somehow I knew in my dream that conceiving our 2nd child was not nearly as difficult as our 1st, that it was in fact, easy. I woke up feeling so, so very happy. I hope and pray this is an accurate premonition.

- L and I are starting to talk about number 2. We know that we will not prevent but will certainly not try- at least not anytime soon. We both agree that while it would be less than ideal to become pregnant right now, as a pregnancy could result in another earth baby, we wouldn't want to lick a gift horse in the mouth.

- I still feel like I would love to have 3 kids... and I feel so greedy about that.

The Sky This Morning

I Heart L

I love L for the following reason- he is taking Lil' P to his parents house tomorrow from 10am - 6pm.

I am looking forward to shopping for workout clothes, baking cookies, and soaking my feet. I will also attempt to read and nap.

I feel guilty but I am so, so excited :)

Working Past Memories

I have not made it a secret on this blog that I lost my mother, three years ago this November, to cancer. Nor do I hide the fact that she was my best friend.

I also have not made it secret that I am less than thrilled with my father dating again. While this woman (K), who has been around for 4 months, is not the hussy that I have envisioned in my head she is not what I imagined either. If that makes any sense.

We celebrated my nephews 3rd birthday last week at my sister's house and the immediate family was there for the celebration-while I was having over the top reactions to K. She was there playing with my nephew and letting my 10 month-old niece use her as a walking stick. All I could think was, "It should be my mom here, not this woman." Later on that day, my dad handed Lil' P to her so she could hold him and it took all my will power to not snatch him out of her arms.

In small amount of time I have been given to know K this what I have learned... she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not like my mom. Sweet as can be but lacks the independence and self confidence that I admire in women. That I admired in my mom. K doesn't have the sharp, witty (if I do say so myself), sarcastic sense of humor that my sister's and I have. We got our sense of humor from mom. What K does have, that my mom did have, was the ability to be welcoming to all those she meets.

I realized that night, as I was thinking about my reactions to K, that it reminds me of when you start dating again after a lengthy relationship that you didn't end. You meet someone and say, "They are nice but they aren't so-and-so" or "I liked it better when so-and-so did..." You do this until you meet someone who makes the memory of your lost relationship fade.

Like a new boyfriend that you shouldn't compare to the old one, I need to stop comparing this woman to my mom.

No one could live up to her and fill her shoes. No other woman will ever come close being my mom. No one will or can ever replace her -but my mom's memory is not going to fade. While time has started to dull the pain, my mom lives on and continues to love through me, her family, and her grandchildren.

That is something that will not change- ever. I need to learn to let these two women coexist peacefully. I just don't know how.

Diggin' It

I am not talking about that old country song (do you remember that one- 'I'm Diggin' It'???)

I am talking about the new dashboard for blogger :) It allows you to follow the blogs that you always read, without all the clicking!!! Love it...

A Parent's Secret

A baby changes everything. (Tell me something I didn't realize...)

Once you see your baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love. (Duh!)

These are said to every first time mom.

I think that we were prepared for the part where a baby changes everything. Boy, did things change... I was prepared for the night time feedings, not being able to go where I wanted when I wanted. However, I lacked the foresight to consider the emotional drain it would all take, especially when I was (am) exhausted.

Once you hold you baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love.

Huh. Ummm, that didn't happen so much for me and L.

Please understand, of course we loved our son. We loved all our babies and we wanted everyone of them. But I didn't feel that rush that so many moms talk about when I first held him. I was thrilled (and tired) smiled and said, "So you are the one who has been kicking me all this time." And L? Hell, he sobbed when Lil' P finally arrived into the world and was still crying when he called his family.

It was an odd experience to suddenly have a whole other person present. Boom, there he is. Now, take him home, care for him, raise him to be a good, caring person, and you have sole responsibility of him for the next 18 years. PS- you will be judged by those around you whether they admit it or not. (That's what I heard in my head anyway).

I was surprised by my lack of "falling". L felt the same way and perhaps this is what helped us establish our new hats as parents also helping us create a new/different bond between us. The bond I felt was different than everyone else and I felt so guilty about that. I thought something was wrong with me.

As the weeks rolled by I grew to love him and have since fallen head over heals for him. I realize, now, that for me to love him like all other parents love their little ones, or to get that "falling" feeling, I had to get to know him. I needed to learn his tickle spots, what songs he liked (even the made up ones), what made him laugh and smile, how he liked to held, and what all his different cries meant.

In the short 4 months that I have known him L and I have learned so much about him- and we love him dearly for who he is becoming. While I used to snicker at the old saying, "I love you more everyday" I have found it certainly now applies in our home.

Come On, It'll Be Fun

I snagged this from Alison and then saw it on Leah's and wanted to join in on the fun...

The Name Game

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Rags Civic (this sooo not a rock star's name)

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Moose Tracks Extreme Flip Flop

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Blue Cat

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Christine Mt. Clemens

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Lassam

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Frappichino

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Mick James

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Warm Vanilla Twix

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Myers Missoula

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Sunflower (this should so be my stripper, I mean, "dancer" name)

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Strawberry Pajama Bottoms

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Sausage Biscuit Red Maple (now I sound like a fat Hippie)

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Rags Werner

It's So Petty I Should Be Ashamed (but I'm not!)

I can be very petty at times and here is the most recent reason why but you will need a little back story first...

My high school boyfriend (who was my first everything) and I dated for 2-1/2 years and things fizzled out when I went to college but we tried to remain friends after the break up. He stopped talking to me because his new girlfriend didn't like it (and who can blame her??? I mean, I am fabulous!!) Well, that really hurt me and I never quite got over it...

An old high school friend of mine emailed me the other day. She said that he came into her place of work and she didn't recognize him until she heard him speak- his receding hairline made him look so different...

hehehehehehe...

Oh Hippo, How I Love Thee

Yes!

I got to wear a belt today!!!! Woo hoo!!!

What a Long Road

Well, I guess in many eyes the road hasn't been that long.

I am experiencing a decrease in my milk supply yet again. I was getting 6oz. in my morning and night pumpings and 2oz. during my other 4 pumpings. Now, I am lucky if I get 3oz. per attempt.

I have decided to stop breastfeeding/ pumping all together. I am surprised that I feel both sad and disappointed, as I planned on doing this for another 2 months. I feel like I am not doing my part as a woman or mother, that I have failed somehow and this failure means I love my son less than other mothers who have continued to breastfeed. Intellectually, I know that it's not true and would quickly try to dispel these thoughts if a friend shared these sentiments with me. Right now, I am only hoping that my emotional side will catch up soon.

I have not told my sister yet and will probably try to hide it as long as possible. She has made it clear on different occasions how she feels about formula and formula companies then add the fact that she's a LaLach.e Lea.gue leader... well, you can imagine.

My pediatrician says that it's fine to use formula and that babies receive the greatest benefit in the first 3 months. He also told me not to worry- Lil' P will still go to Harvard.

I didn't have the heart to point out that we can't afford for him to go to Harvard, as we spent all our money just trying to have him. If he does go to Harvard someday... here's hoping that that the breast milk he did get raised his IQ enough to get an academic scholarship.

Apparently a Milk Connoisseur

Turns out my precious son refuses to drink any frozen breast milk. So that makes my stash, 1/4 of my freezer, worthless... awesome.

Words

Kind
Thoughtful
Honest
Supporter
Leader
Friend
Mother
Mentor

An administrator, from an agency that I worked with, passed away over the weekend. While we were not particularly close- I am to those who were close to her. Everyone has been affected as she had a great impact on those she worked with and the people she met. The words above are those that I believe best describe her. She will be irreplaceable and deeply missed by all those who knew her.

I hope and pray that God is with all those who are suffering from this tremendous loss.

Mixed

I've got mixed emotions... I don't think that I am producing enough breast milk to satisfy Lil' P anymore. I have tried increasing the times that I nurse, I let him nurse off both sides for 15- 20 minutes each, I let him nurse for about 40 minutes total, and I drink at least 1 liter of water a day. Nothing seems to help...

Now the only time he appears satisfied is when I give him 2 oz of formula in addition to a feeding. I want him to be satisfied but I feel like I am not doing my part as a mom anymore- like I am doing something wrong. I am now wondering if this is one of the reasons he has had so much trouble napping during the day. I am currently trying out "milkshakes"- half breast milk and half formula. Mmmm, a tasty treat!

Ironically, it wasn't that long ago where all I wanted to do was give up on breast feeding and now here I am. I wasn't prepared for the amount of guilt that came along with this job.

Ahhh... motherhood, good times, good times- but I still wouldn't trade it for anything.

Odd....

I annoy myself when I do this yet I can't seem to stop...

why, when people become parents, do they refer to themselves in the 3rd person- and it's acceptable?

Is It Wrong...

that when I finish my cup of M.oose Track.s Extre.me Icecream that I wish my tongue were long enough to lick out the inside?

Bad Idea

My bad idea was to watch Criminal Minds non-stop on this website.

It's a great show (if only I were smart enough to be a profiler, damn!)... but L is out of town and I am now so paranoid, 'cause I am the only one who can protect Lil' P, I am thinking about getting a baseball bat for the bedroom.

And I have to sleep with the living room light on... how old am I again???

A Dedication

I was driving the other day and began to cry as I listened to this song. It reminded me of the RPL and Infertility experience. While I find myself on the other side of my journey it remains with me. So I dedicate this song to all the beautiful women out there who are coping with this painful situation and to those who have reached the conclusion their journey.

Go On My Child by Mich.elle Feather.stone

Don't hang your head low 'cause I can't see your face
In your reflection I see your beauty embrace
And when the light shines bright to show you your way
Do not be weary don't turn your head away

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Your soul is aching and it's dying to be heard
This might be painful but consider the worth
And when you feel like there's nobody on your side
They will embrace you with a radiant smile

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

So you wanna give up and you can't find strength
But I believe that you will make it in the end
So you wanna step back and you want to retreat
But I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
Nothing you can't be

Don't feel so naked I am the blanket of hope
Your words are life rafts and they keep us afloat
And when this long painful journey comes to an end
They will be touched by the message
The message you've sent

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Smile

Remains

I still get jealous of people who become pregnant quickly and easily...

What have you done?

I saw this on Leah's blog and thought it was pretty darn cool! I have done all the things highlighted in yellow. If you join in let me know so I can what you have done...

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphins
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a rollercoaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing friends
Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived and accident you shouldn't have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US states
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten Fried Green Tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident

All Alone

Not that I am "feeling" alone- just that L has started back to his travel schedule. He (and his boss) are trying to break me slowly since L's trip will only be for 3 days, not the traditional 7 day.

Lil' P and I are here all alone for the next couple of days. My oldest sister will be coming for a visit tomorrow and I will (hopefully) be spending the following day with a good friend and her kids.

I am wondering how I will take our dog for his evening walk. But of even greater importance, how will I eat?

Thank You D.arren Sta.r and Candanc.e Bushn.ell

***Spoiler Below***

Last week my in-laws came to town and allowed me to have a few hours of "me" time- I had seriously almost forgotten that I am more than just a mom these days...

So I decided to go see S.ex I.n Th.e Ci.ty at the theaters, I loved, loved, loved the series. While I enjoyed the movie overall I was a little, no- scratch that, I was very pissed off about how the writers portrayed Charlotte York's fertility story.

(Insert sarcasm)

Look! She's suddenly pregnant because she adopted! (and they actually say so in the movie)

You have got to be freakin' kidding me- can we please perpetuate this idiotic thinking a little more to those outside the fertility world? 'Cause that would be awesome... as if we don't have enough stupid cliches to deal with.

Grrrr.....

Thank God

The growth spurt is over... I was nursing Lil' P every hour on the hour between midnight and 4am for the last several days.

Must sleep.

Lil' P: Now and Then

Motherhood Is Tough On The Ego

I am doing better emotionally but the title sums up the last couple of days. Thanks for the support ladies!

The Big No-No

We continue to struggle with breast feeding. We just cannot seem to keep the correct latch going once nursing begins. So I have resolved to the fact that we will always be using a nipple shield. We tried practicing the latch- pulling him off when it's not right etc. but it was such a frustrating experience for the both of us. It just wasn't worth it anymore.

Our little man is eating about every 2 hours right now and I feel like a cow- I am starting to consider the "big no-no"... adding some formula to one of our night feedings (I will wait for gasps to stop)-

I am just so, so, so tired. I don't like feeling this way. I don't feel like I have the patience or stamina to deal with fussiness that Lil' P has sometimes- the nightitme feedings are the worst. Then I don't want to go out during the day because I am too tired- and I NEED to get out and engage with other adults. When I don't have sleep I am NOT a good parent (seriously, I am not), I get so desperately frustrated. People I know keep saying it's going to get better but no one can tell me when. If I knew when I feel like I might be able to cope better. Instead, I am tired all the time. I actually miss having the energy to complete a load of laundry. Or to clean the kitchen. Or the house in general now as it's a wreck. I know all these things are to expected but I don't feel good as a person, parent, or wife when I feel worn out and exhausted all day long, everyday.

I never realized how much pressure there was out there to breastfeed. When I told the hospital staff and my dr's that I was breastfeeding they all said "good for you" or "great- keep it up". What do they say to the women who don't? I know that breast milk is best for our baby but isn't a reasonably sane mother just as beneficial??

I am still holding out but the honest truth is- I don't want to strictly breast feed anymore. I want some one to tell me it's fine to use formula and then to hand me a case of the stuff. I want and need some of my sleep back and I need to feel like more than just a cow. I want to feel like I am better parent and not be judged because formula might help me do that.

Late Mother's Day

While I missed Mother's Day I would like to post this picture in honor of my mom.

She loved Lilacs... I love you mom and I think of you daily.

Boy, Has My Nutshell Changed!

Our baby arrived 05/03/08 at 7:05am!

My water broke at home just before midnight, 05/01/08, and contractions started about 45 minutes after. We were admitted to the hospital about 2am.

It was a very long labor… after going natural for 14 hours my body could no longer relax through the contractions and I was not able to establish an “adequate” labor so I received an epidural. After another hour or two of labor a pattern was still not established. After some decision making we added pitocin to the regiment in an effort to avoid a c- section.

You would think that this would result in a baby being born soon- but you’d be wrong! After being on pitocin for a couple of more hours my labor started to become established but the dr was concerned about the strength of the contractions, so they put in a internal monitor. After doing that the baby started to react poorly and they took me off the pitocin to let the baby regroup. Of course my contractions then slowed so we waited a couple of more hours and I was then placed back on it.

Finally, a labor pattern was established with the baby responding well. Finally, at 5am the following morning, I started to push. Sometime after I started to push my IV for the pitocin and epidural came out- everyone failed to notice- so the pushing was all natural for those two hours.

Oddly, no one told me what the sex was- I had to ask! That’s when I found out our baby boy had arrived!

We are still recuperating after our 31 hour labor but are getting through it. L was a champ and still is. He has been an incredible source of strength for me and D. I start to cry every time I think about it.

We are struggling with breast feeding, which is one of the reasons it’s taken me so long to post this, but the lactation consultant is great and we have already seen her twice now. It's more emotionally challenging that I had ever thought. Each time I consider stopping and going to strictly pumping I feel like I have failed in some way- guess that's a whole different post though.

I hope to keep posting often but I think it will be sporadic for at least the next couple of weeks- at best. I will try to keep up with everyone but if I don't post please know that I am thinking of you all and wishing you great things...

So that's my nutshell of a new life!

Today's Nutshell

Thanks for to all for the support and understanding- it was nice to know that I wasn't crazy for feeling upset about Hussie. It helped a lot!!!

However, Hussie may not actually be the one who is the hussie. But that's for later in the story...

So I ended up talking to my sister, E, about how I was feeling. She was able to calm me down some and I became a bit more rational (but only a bit). I think ultimately what I needed most, was for someone close to me to be empathetic which she was able to do.

So in the conversation that I had with E we decided that it would be best to not have the birthday dinner at my oldest sisters house as originally planned. We decided that a local restaurant would be better- neutral territory and I felt like our family space was not being invaded. The dinner wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. While Hussie seemed nice enough, and appropriately nervous, I didn't get a whole lot of time to chat with her. Although, her mannerisms reminded me of a close family friend which was slightly endearing to me (as I love this family friend). Hussie stayed several days but I only had dinner with her that one night. I did observe during the evening though that every time my dad would try to be affectionate she would pull away. I am not sure if that was because of our presence or because she was not ready for that type of display. I think perhaps a little of both.

So you are wondering who the hussie is in this story, right? I think it might actually be my dad. After the Original Hussie left I was talking to E who told me that my dad was leaving AGAIN this weekend. Where you may be wondering??? To meet up with ANOTHER woman. When my sister inquired about her name he couldn't remember. Nice.

Over the years I have gotten the impression that my father didn't date a lot- perhaps he is getting it out of his system now. (Sigh)...

My family is nuts and I know my mom just keeps shaking her head.

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

Just wanted to say that my contractions continue and became close enough last night at 1:30am to indicate to us that we needed to go to the hospital. Upon arrival, I had my first internal exam done (as I was/ am declining them to decrease the risk of infection). I discovered while my contractions were lasting for 1 minute and 4 minutes apart for 1 hour (4-1-1) I was not effaced or dilated enough- so we were sent home. I was managing the pain and didn't really feel like we needed to go (and I didn't want to get to the hospital to be sent home), but I thought L would kill me if I fought him on going. Overall, it was a good learning experience.

I learned I do not like being in the bed at all, the change of environment really decreased the intensity of my contractions, and the baby does well during contractions. So, we need to make sure that my contractions are very established (going on longer than 1 hour) the next time and even though the maternity triage nurse will strap me to a wired monitor, I am not getting in the bed until she is ready to check me.

L and I agreed that when this happens again ('casue duh, it will) we are going to base our decision on leaving for the hospital on what my intuition is telling me and how I am feeling about the contractions- instead of what the clock is telling us. Like I said though, it was a good learning expereince.

So that's me and my life in a nutshell... for today

Let Me Catch My Breath

So I have posted here before about the loss of my mom, which will be 3 years in November.

Now, for a minute, I want to reflect on my current situation. I am about to give birth to my first, and possibly, only child. I cannot begin to explain the amount of different emotions this alone brings up for me. Sadness, that I cannot share this experience physically with her. Comfort, in knowing that that she is with me despite our different existences. Jealousy, at knowing that this child will have first hand knowledge of only his paternal grandmother. Hurt, that we will only have pictures of her holding Lil' P and none of my mom. These are just the emotional issues I can come up with off the top of my head.

Now, rewind to approximately to 1-1/2 months ago. My dad decided create a profile for a dating website. I was kind of prepared for this- I know how much he misses the companionship of my mom. He's just lonely and I hate that for him. So when he told my sisters and I about this website we were a little taken back but supportive. In the end we want our dad to be happy, really we do.

My dad said he wasn't doing anything, just seeing who was out there. Wanting to make new connections with people. Exploring. He said that he wouldn't bring anyone around to meet the family unless it was someone who he thought was special. Dad said he wouldn't be with anyone the family didn't like. So I was thinking alright, maybe in a couple of months he will start to see someone... blah, blah, blah. We are all young enough to remember dating and how it all worked. I have time to continue to adjust...

Well, last weekend he went to meet a woman. Alright. I will deal with that. He is meeting her at a place that is not invading my personal space right now. I am still working on adjusting to all this. He had a nice time, she's a nice lady, we like each other... blah, blah, blah. I was and am genuinely glad he had a nice time. THEN...

he comes over for dinner the other night and starts talking about getting remarried and what he will want to leave to his next wife in his will "Well, I can't just leave her out in the cold". Now all I can think is, "Can we please slow down??? You have spent what, 3 days with this chick? You don't know her at all!" I start worrying about this woman, who I don't even know, coming and taking all the money my mom and dad worked so hard to save. I see my mother looking at my father in her 'I can't believe I am hearing this' stance. I tell myself to relax, not to get all worked up because we all know how the dating process works, they aren't just going to jump into marriage. I mean he could just be talking to hear himself talk, right? We haven't even met this women yet. THEN...

he tells me that she might be coming for the weekend. I remind him quietly that we were celebrating my sister, E's birthday, at dinner (we are celebrating mine too although it was a month ago) this upcoming weekend. He says, "Well, what? You don't want her there?" I felt like a deer trapped in headlights. One, no I really don't want her at mine and my sister's birthday dinner. Who would want to meet their possible father's future girlfriend/wife at their birthday dinner I ask you- for the first time? Second, I am not really ready to meet this woman. They have known each other... 2 weeks? And met once? And she is already "special"? Third, I am obviously very pregnant. Not only do I not want to talk about my pregnancy with this woman, God forbid, what if I give birth while she's here??? (I think I may be experiencing prodromal labor but that's another story- focus!) I don't want her at the hospital. I panicked and pawned the decision off on my sister and just said, "Well you should ask E then because it's her b-day dinner". THEN...

I come home today and L says, "I am not trying to send you into labor but Hussie (that's what L and I call her) is coming this weekend". So I start thinking that we can at least move the dinner to Sunday 'cause that is when she is likely to leave, right? So I ask my dad how long Hussie is staying while she is in town. His response you ask??? "We don't know".

I realize this woman could be very nice. She could be a very upstanding person. She could be the long lost twin sister of my mother. I am not ready to meet this woman and I being forced into something I don't want. While I know this is not about me I am making it about me right now. I want my dad to be happy, he deserves it.

There are just too many emotions right now and my hormones and I can't take this. Can't we just slow down for a minute so I can catch my breath? Please?

My New Superhero Power

The superhero power I always wanted (for forever) was to be able to make any meal I wanted from anywhere that I wanted in the blink of an eye (I am sure this gives you some insight into my personality).

I thought of another one today that would be pretty cool...

Any type of uniform you put on or if you use an object that is associated with a certain profession you would instantly have complete knowledge of that particular career. So if you put on a dr's coat- you can give medical treatment. Want to put that tool belt on? Now you are a carpenter. Want to be a nuclear scientist? Make sure you find the right lab coat! I think that would be a pretty cool power. Think of all the money you could save and the people you could help :)

Want to chime in about the superhero power you would like????