The Bittersweet End

This whole experience has been bittersweet, even to the very end.

I am blessed and lucky that I finally found my RPL solution. It has brought me two precious, beautiful little boys. But there are still days when I cry over the little ones I have lost. Without their sacrifice I would have never met LP and T.

There are days when I still desire three children, and days when two are more than enough. I can only hope and pray that if we decided to attempt a third that my treatments will continue to work. As only an RPL'er can know nothing is certain.

I am thankful for this place. This place brought me shelter when I could not find any. It was a safe place for me. Even though I will continue reading it won't be the same.

But I am happy that I feel comfortable enough to let go...

I would like to share some final thoughts about what I have learned:

- Don't be afraid to disagree with your doctor/s. A white coat does not mean he or she is Alpha and Omega. Doctors have biases just like everyone else, speak up!

- Above all, you are the patient. Therefore, YOU are in the driver seat. Listen to your instincts. After all, there is a reason you have them!

- If your doctor is not *listening* to you please, please, go shopping for another one! I don't care how many HIPPA forms and releases you have to sign, just do it!

- Just because it looks good on paper and sounds good on paper, sadly, it doesn't mean it will be good.

- Remember to find humor wherever you can. You will need it.

- Find something you love to do by yourself make it a weekly ritual. It will be a comfort to you during dark times.

- Make time for friends who *don't* understand or have your fertility issues. It's okay, and quite, nice to not talk about RPL/ Infertility. It will also allow you the mental break from it you need.

- Have friends who really understand the trials of the fertility world. You will need these people to hold your hand when you feel like your back is against the wall.

- Cut yourself some slack when Fertile Sue is having her 5th child and all you want to is smack her because she is complaining about tired she is. That also goes for the guilt, anger, and jealousy you'll feel when everyone one in the world is pregnant but you... including your best friend.

- For the love of all things good *DO NOT* attend a baby shower if it brings you too much sadness and pain. Make up any excuse needed or if they know your situation politely, but honestly, decline and drop the gift card in the mail.

- When it all comes down to it, you can have a family. It may not look like the one you had in mind. It may not arrive the way you thought it would. It may not even look the way others want. But you can have a family all your own.

- Even when you find yourself on the other side of the fertility all the same feelings can and will creep up- they will forever be with you.
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I promise to never forget how lucky I am at the end of the day. Never.

I am ready now.

Love, hugs, and well wishes always my friend.

Preparing

I have been thinking about how to end my blog. This isn't the final post but I think it's a great one to lead up to it.

It wasn't until I read R&R's recent post that it knew how to start the end.

For me it starts with T, Triumph, our newest family member.

When I finally accepted that I was going to give birth to another live baby, I thought about the scene in French Kiss with Meg Ryan. She is talking in a phone booth about getting her fiancee back and she says, "I will triumph..." while crying and shaking her fist in the air. You know the scene, right?

Well, that's what I thought. I have triumphed.

So how does R&R play into this?

Her post is about being ready. Ready to meet the newest life that she and her husband created.

Ready.

Funny word.

Are we ever really ready for anything? Lord, knows I have tried to prepare myself for various things over the years. Passing tests, getting into graduate school, losing and making friends, the loss of my mom, losing pregnancy after pregnancy, and finally, the chance to prepare for parenting. Most of it I was prepared for. The rest of it? Though I had no idea at the time, I was prepared. I had all the tools I needed but I only realized it in hindsight.

When LP was on his way I distinctly remember rubbing my belly and saying, "Okay, kid. It's you and me. Give me until May 1st and I will be ready anytime after that."

He came into the world May 3rd.

With T, we were preparing for induction. I was having regular contractions but nothing was going on when I went for appointments. So I continued preparing to leave work, getting the house in order, and packing up LP for his trip to the grandparents. About two days before induction I rubbed my belly, after a long bout of contractions, and said, "Give me two more days, kid. Two days, we'll be ready."

The day I went in, I was suddenly 3cm dilated, when 2 days before I wasn't.

How do we know when we are ready?

All this time the answer has been so simple I never really saw it before.

We just are.

Southern Snow

"Thank you God for the snow that muffles the noisy world." - LP's book

My Boys

Quick Nutshell

I could not have asked for a better labor, when I arrived I was already 3cm :)

After 14 hours, including 1-1/2 hours of pushing, LP's little BROTHER arrived!!

Pictures will follow soon- I hope :) Lord help me- a house full of boys!

It's All Downhill

Or at least that's what I hear people say... who are these "people" anyway???

I digress and make jokes when I am nervous or anxious as you can plainly see above.

Why? Because Induction Day has come, well actually, the Eve Before Induction has come (even though by the time you read this I will have been at the hospital since 6am.)

I am a bundle of emotions right now.

This might be my baby's birthday! Well, let's at least hope so.

I cried after dropping LP off at Mothers Morning Out. I am going to miss my snuggle time with him, eating breakfast with him, constantly having to read books to him... Alright, I have to stop- I am tearing up again. I have to keep reminding myself that it's not as if I am never going to see him again. It's just going to be different. Different is okay. Sigh...

Okay, on to some highlights for the day!

-I have called a few friends and L and excitedly told them that I had lost small pieces of my mucus plug. Gross, but if you can't tell your closest mom friends and husband who can you tell?

-I am also feeling a bit like a princess because I saved some money to get a mani/pedi today AND L and I got our Christmas present to each other today...

-Our house professionally cleaned! They did a pretty good job and were worth the money :) They cleaned everything, including all the baseboards and window sills.

-I also picked up some yellow roses today in memory of mom. I would like to take them with me tomorrow morning but don't see how that's really practical.

-I got to bake my chocolate chip cookies.

I am hoping that all goes well tomorrow. I am accepting any good vibes and well wishes that are offered so please don't hesitate!

I keep thinking about why I am anxious and nervous.

I am hoping that I can do this. That I can have a labor that I don't hate- or regret. That I can be a *good* mom to two kids. That I can still be a good wife. That I can still be a good employee. That I can still like who I am at the end of most days. I hope that on the days when I fall short that I will be gentle and forgiving of myself.

It all sounds so simple and yet, it's such a tall order.

I am nervous about going to sleep because then it will be tomorrow. And it's all downhill from there. (Sigh...) Good thing I got some Ty.lenol PM.

I will do my best to post as soon as I can on how everything went. Thank you all for the continuous love you have shown!

Wow.

So much to say and yet, nothing to say at all.

The holidays were good, not great, but good. I got a stomach virus two days before Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas the rest of my extended family got it- it wasn't until evening time so we were able to enjoy the day. It appeared to the gift that kept on giving.

My biggest step??? I have my induction scheduled. Eeeek!!!

I am not going to reveal the date but it's soon. Very soon. I suspect I will post before heading off to meet the newest family member.

I am terrified and excited all at once. I will miss my snuggle time with LP and being our little family of three. I have cried about it several times but I am excited to meet this baby and add to our family. Having my "end date" has given me the ability to better cope with the aches and pains of pregnancy-- and have a better attitude in general. For which everyone is grateful!

However, I have been having "real" contractions on and off since Sunday. It is reminding me of the week prior to LP's birth. My heart is now at ease with my decision to induce. I was worried about bringing this new family member into the world too early but I feel like if I make it to the induction it will be right on time.

I tweaked the story that I gave to my sister, my doula, about the induction. She has said on no uncertain terms that she considered it "irresponsible of any doctor to just schedule an induction without considering what a woman's body is ready for..." Yes, I know. It's just her opinion. It's her soapbox-- along with feelings about how breastfeeding is the only right way to do things *buuut* that's another story in itself.

Back to my tweaked story... I said the induction would be a "last minute decision" based upon what my cervix/ body was doing. Not a scheduled "2-3 weeks in advance thing." I figure this way I still get to feel good about my decision without worrying that she's judging me *and* what she doesn't know won't hurt her. See? Everyone's happy! (However cowardly it may come across.)

Finally, while I do still plan on following people, I have decided to give blogging a rest. Simply said, I feel that my journey is complete. This has been a long debate for me. I considered setting up shop in a new place but that didn't seem fair to any readers as my blog has been seriously slacking- aka I have been a slacker. So I am wrapping it up.

I will keep the blog open for those who might be struggling with the turmoil that RPL brings, maybe they will stumble across it and be encouraged to consider paths less traveled. The infertility community gave me a home when I had none and I hope that by leaving my blog up it will continue to give back to those who need it.

But don't panic!!!

This won't happen until after the baby is born- it seems as though it would be cruel to not let everyone know the baby's gender :)