I have not made it a secret on this blog that I lost my mother, three years ago this November, to cancer. Nor do I hide the fact that she was my best friend.
I also have not made it secret that I am less than thrilled with my father dating again. While this woman (K), who has been around for 4 months, is not the hussy that I have envisioned in my head she is not what I imagined either. If that makes any sense.
We celebrated my nephews 3rd birthday last week at my sister's house and the immediate family was there for the celebration-while I was having over the top reactions to K. She was there playing with my nephew and letting my 10 month-old niece use her as a walking stick. All I could think was, "It should be my mom here, not this woman." Later on that day, my dad handed Lil' P to her so she could hold him and it took all my will power to not snatch him out of her arms.
In small amount of time I have been given to know K this what I have learned... she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not like my mom. Sweet as can be but lacks the independence and self confidence that I admire in women. That I admired in my mom. K doesn't have the sharp, witty (if I do say so myself), sarcastic sense of humor that my sister's and I have. We got our sense of humor from mom. What K does have, that my mom did have, was the ability to be welcoming to all those she meets.
I realized that night, as I was thinking about my reactions to K, that it reminds me of when you start dating again after a lengthy relationship that you didn't end. You meet someone and say, "They are nice but they aren't so-and-so" or "I liked it better when so-and-so did..." You do this until you meet someone who makes the memory of your lost relationship fade.
Like a new boyfriend that you shouldn't compare to the old one, I need to stop comparing this woman to my mom.
No one could live up to her and fill her shoes. No other woman will ever come close being my mom. No one will or can ever replace her -but my mom's memory is not going to fade. While time has started to dull the pain, my mom lives on and continues to love through me, her family, and her grandchildren.
That is something that will not change- ever. I need to learn to let these two women coexist peacefully. I just don't know how.
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3 comments:
I wish I had some amazing piece of advice that would help you, but I don't. You're right, no one can replace your mom and trying to live with having this woman in your life can't be easy. Maybe this is one of those things that time can ease?
Please know that I feel for your situation and I'm thinking of you, sweetie. ((HUGS))
I can't imagine how difficult it must be to try to let them both occupy a space in your life. It's hard enough to do that with my stepmom and my mom, and they're both very alive. My stepmom is also a sweet person, but she tries too hard to be a "mom" to my sister and I, and we're very adamant that our mom fils that role already, thankyouverymuch. It will take time, but know that you're not feeling any differently than most would in your shoes. *hugs*
wow, this post really moved me. I'm not sure exactly why, but thank you just the same. I'm glad that you're finding a new place with K, while still having the forever place for your mom. ((hugs))
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