Bitterness and Hurt Feelings (My Bad!)

I don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings, it’s truly not in my nature, (I actually resent the fact that I have feelings of bitterness- ironic, huh?). This is just such a difficult time and you can never explain to people who haven’t been there. Infertility fucking sucks (no pun intended)!

~Sometimes I don’t even feel like I fit in the infertility world. I am an RPL’er, I am not INfertile. As a matter of fact the only thing I do well is GET pregnant. I just can’t seem to carry to term to save anyone.~

I digress… I really don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings. I have a friend who has a blog and is getting ready to have her 1st baby. She had all these responses from SAHMs and women with children. I was congratulating her on her soon to be baby and I said, “Do you know anyone who doesn’t have kids?” Yikes… if I could only take that back. In my head I said it full of bitterness and I WAS bitter so I sent it. I just get bitter. I have very bitter moments. Bitter moments are not pretty…

Then last night my pregnant sister, who is having her second and is due one month before I was this last time, and I had a this brief conversation,

S- “I hate my swollen feet.” (said with exasperation)

Me- “Well, at least you get to have swollen feet.” (I really said to give perspective I wasn’t meaning to be bitter or mean ‘cause she was in a bad mood anyways- alright, I was feeling little bitter because I saw her ultrasound pics of this pregnancy in a cute little photo album- while I am still trying to figure out what to do with one I have of my baby who is not longer alive-see bitterness again...)

S-“ I was just making an observation.”

Me- “Sorry, I really was tying to give a different perspective.”

S- “Why do people think that giving a different perspective will make things better?”

I did later apologize if I hurt her feelings, just as I did to my friend. I really don’t mean to but it’s so infuriating at times. I know that after I all I have gone through they get it… they know it’s hard for me but they don’t get it, you know? Pregnancy came so easy to them… carrying to term came so easy for them. 5 miscarriages later I am still sitting here… waiting and wondering.

I know that this isn’t easy for them and I know that pregnancy can’t be fun (as I have only experienced 2/3 of the first trimester). I would give anything to be where they are… I look at them and I think, “Why not me?” (this goes back into the post “This is my journey…”)

Which brings me to something I often wonder about…

I can’t help but think sometimes, that if I ever do become an earthly mom, I will have such a different (I do mean different not greater) appreciation for my child and my pregnancy aches and pains. Do women with secondary infertility feel the same way when it finally becomes their turn again? Do they feel luckier or more blessed?

I know that they must struggle with different thoughts and emotions. Thinking that their body was able to do it once, why not again? The sorrow they must feel while holding thier little one while going through a miscarriage or the arrival of AF (yet again). I am confident that secondary infertility is another Catch-22. But do you look at your pregnancy differently the second time around?

2nd Opinion- The 'Fetal Pole' Opposite

Survey says... (something very different from the first)!

I thought that I should update on our second opinion. It was VERY different from the first. I have to say that I liked Dr. K better, overall in mannerisms and based her opinions in a logical and empirical thought.

We all know that it's hard to summarize RE consults but I will try my best...

1st- agreed that some immune testing is legitimate. So L (hubby) and I gave blood for Leukocyte Antibodies Detection (LAD) and I just gave blood for Natural Killer Cells (NK). The IVIg treatment is not that sound as it seems that everyone gets a different result. However, those with secondary infertility see the greatest success.

2nd- egg quality is not the major issue. She said that 'bad eggs don't get fertilized... and you become pg very easily.'

3rd- she is not sure Metformin is right for me due to my consistent physical reactions. Perhaps Met could be a bigger hardship then the possible benefits.

4th- suggested that I re-do the glucose/ insulin challenge (this would be the third time).

5th- wants to get a saline u/s done to make sure there were no polyps, scar tissue, or residual tissue from the last pg. She wants to make sure that nothing is impeding implantation. Of course this is done Cycle day 7-9.

6th- a u/s while we were there. It appeared I had some more muscle on the top of my uterus (what no one has ever said that to be before?!) She showed me where it was and then showed me how my uterus is slightly heart shaped. She said that it wasn't enough to impede implantation or require surgery (whew!).

Final opinion- doing whatever it was were doing the last time since that had worked the best... (funny, that was a natural conception), then she laughed and said, 'You have had a wide variety of pregnancies'. Thinks that we will get there but we just have to get all the factors to line up.

Q: Why was my injectable cycle (3rd pg at old RE) and my Letrozole cycle (4th pg at current RE) were so very different?

A: Hard to say. The low prog. (3rd pg) could have been from the fact that I had low quality eggs and but that the number was more indicative of the pg failing from the beginning. The Letrolzole cycle (4th time) she said that while the prog. level was great, the lining was 'okay', and this was my chemical pg, but something could have gone wrong during cell/dna division.

She said that so much of this field is unknown, that it doesn't always make sense, and there are so many things that can go wrong that we just can't see.

Q: can APA's change during pg?

A: Yes, sometimes they do. However, any APA issues should have been taking care of by the Lovenox. (I think that I might get them tested the next time I am pg since I know what they are while not.)

Plan: See what the b/w looks like and do the saline u/s and go from there. She did suggest that we start Lovenox from ovulation the next time.

Saw my ob (love her and started doing testing after my 2nd loss) today for a diaphragm ( I would like to say they are slippery little suckers and they really can get stuck, Carrie Bradshaw wasn't kidding!)

Ob's thoughts on opinions (because I am kinda lost between the two and I really trust her)

Ob: I don't really understand why your 1st opinion recommended DE. If all your losses had been the same I understand but they have been a variety, especially after the last one with a heart beat. Wait for your tests to come and rest until then.

If you aren't using hormones to regulate your cycles (cause I am sick of pumping my body full of hormones) then you may want to get the OV Watch just to see if the continuing the Met is going to give you benefits (in the past it has not). It may just be good see what happens. (I will put in a call SIL as she already has one.)

Q: How can I lower my LH if I am not using hormones?

A: Diet, exercise, and using Metformin.

Q: The second opinion says that I don't have insulin levels tested and wants to re-test.

A: No we have them (flip, flip, flip)... you came up normal on the first one for fasting and insulin. On the second one... your last fasting was elevated slightly but the insulin was fine.

Q: I forgot to ask while at the RE... my breasts have been sore since the last m/c. I also getting some discharge (TMI, but isn't that what fertilty is about?) should I get my prolactin levels checked again?

A: Yes, and we will also look at your TSH again... thyroid problems can mess with your hormones. I would hate to miss something.

So, L is frustrated because he was expecting our 2nd (Dr. K) to agree with the 1st RE (Dr. P).

So there is a part of me that feels like we are back to square one in trying to decide what we want to do. Ugh... I know that once a decision is made my husband will still not want to move forward until after the new year. So I guess that's good since there is no pressure to make one, but a pain cause when we do I will be ready to move on it. So there it is... my second opinion, sorry this so long! It really is shorter than the first one I wrote (scary I know!) Feel free to give feedback if you want...

Harry Potter and the New RE

Don't you think that would make a great book?? Do magical people have fertility problems? Or can they just wave a wand, do a little charm? And are they willing to help Muggles? How would the HSG work in thier world... do they have egg donors? What about sperm analysis? hmmmm...

I LOVED the last book in the series and felt that it gave me the closure I needed. Today, I was at Starbucks reading some of the book and gentleman pretty much laughed at me and said,

"Good book?"

"Yes, it's getting really intense right now..."

"I can tell, I have been watching you read it." He said this all while laughing...

I realized after he said that I had unconsciously put my hand over my mouth and then placed it on my chest.... during that portion of the book I was thinking, "Oh my god... what are they going to do?" So good... so, so good....

The RE does really tie into this (not Harry Potter, but this post), I have my second opinion tomorrow. Little nervous but H.P came through for me like a tri- wizard champ, what greater distraction could a girl ask for?

This Is My Journey... Not Yours or Hers

Today, I went to the RPL message board... when I was pg the last time there were 3 of us who found out together. When I first realized there were 3 of us I immediately thought, 'One of us isn't going to make it... while I don't want this for anyone, please let it finally be my turn to make it.'

Maybe it was that secret wish I had for it to finally be my turn that sealed my fate, but I was the one who didn't make it. The other two have gone on to have healthy pregnancies so far. One of the women who made it posted today and it just made me so very sad for myself. Looking again at what I have lost. We were due about a day apart... I should be 18 weeks along but here I am heading into a 2nd opinion appt on Monday.

I started to cry a little and then had to start reminding myself, this is my journey. Your journey, her journey... it's different from mine. Mine is unique and has it's own destination that has yet to be revealed. I cannot compare myself to others, otherwise, all I do is belittle myself, what I have gone through, what I have overcome, and what I still have to accomplish.

This brings me to something that I have noticed has changed for me over the past couple of months. In the past when I have thought of wishes or wants I would always think, 'I want a healthy baby born full term who can live a long healthy life here on earth' (I always try to be very descriptive in what I wish as God and the universe have a sick sense of humor at times). As I continued to m/c I wondered if the reason why was because of what I wished for the baby, a long healthy life. I don't think that any potential mother would wish any less though.

However, instead of wishing for this when I am not pg, I have started wishing for something different. I have started wishing for happiness, no matter how this journey ends. Try as I might to make this happen, to help this wish and want along, I cannot control this (Lord knows it is not from a lack of trying!) So I will continue to put myself in the path that leads to a family but in the end of my journey I just want happiness. I have started to wonder if maybe my ultimate happiness is not wrapped in a traditional family, maybe it's something else. After all, this is my journey...

How Fertility Treatments Are Like Football

First you have your Defensive Team. This team consists of all your dr's (ob's, RE's, hematologists, peri's, and of course the all important dr's nurses- they don't get enough props!) and these people are your coaches. This is when you are taking all your meds in preparation for your treatment and having a lot of team meetings in preperation to overthrow your stupid body, I mean... treatment cycle.

Then you have the Offensive Team. This team is compiled of all your meds that you are taking while you are actually in a cycle. Clomid, Letrozole, Follistim, Lupron.... pretty much anything that includes a needle or screws with your hormones goes here. And lucky you (me) we get to be the star... cause we are the quarterback of the team. Without us, well, none of this would be happening (do really think a man could do all this? I don't think so!)

Then of course there is Special Teams. This team is your yoga teacher, acupuncturist, your holistic dr's, and of course the all important cheerleaders. These are the people that you may utilize at any time during your treatment however, you (or me- in my opinion) are usually most active with them during the 2ww. Anxiety is at all time high at this point (and for us RPL'ers absolutely the entire first trimester- heart beat or not) and you need a lot of help relaxing.

When you are in a holding pattern, well that's pretty obvious. You are on hold due to waiting for something to happen. Maybe it's AF, ovulation, the dr's put you on hold, or perhaps you boldly put yourself on hold. Either way, you are in a holding pattern.

Now if only we could fingure out a way to get paid for this stuff instead of always shelling the money out!

It's 1 am I Must Be Lonely

Well, it's actually after 1 am, so does it still count? I am a contract worker at my first job which means I don't have a steady income (thanks goodness my husband does!) So I took a second job doing something completely non-emotional (my contract job draws a lot of emotional energy out of me) to help float us through the times when my paychecks are small.

The downside to this is that it's doing stock work at clothing store. This means that I have to get up two times a week at 4:45 am so that I can leave by 5:30 and get to the store by 6 am. Which in general not THAT big of a deal. The work is mindless and the extra money (about $150.00 every two weeks really helps out.) The problem is, that I get so worried about sleeping through my alarm that I can't go to sleep (hence, my 1am entry). So, if I am lucky I get 2-3 hours of sleep on the days when I work there and then I am useless after 2pm. I still need to be on my game for my first job (which I usually go to after I end my 2nd one). Again, not such a big deal but it's starting to wear on me. I get so irritated when I am laying in bed staring at the ceiling and all I can think is "I just want to sleep already!" One night I got so mad about it I started crying! On one level this is helping us pay for our future fertility treatments, on another, this can't be helpful for my fertility. It's the catch-22 coming back into my life....

One night I was able to fall asleep by 10pm, slept right through until the alarm went off. I totally handled the day fine. Why can't I do that every time? Then it would all be fine. What to do, what to do.... ideas?

Hope, the Forever Catch- 22

I was dumb enough to believe that I was really going to carry my last baby to full term. I was so dumb and got so comfortable that I actually looked at cribs… I hate the fact that we know our due date. I know that if one of my friends said that to me I would tell them they weren't dumb. They were hopeful and that there was nothing wrong with hope. Hope is a catch-22 my friends... it has two sides and no one ever really talks about the down side of hope.

At the end of this month, we are to take a trip with my in-laws. In April, when I was still pregnant, I thought about this… I would be close to or just over 5 months. I thought perhaps we will have had our u/s by then, we had considered finding out the sex but not telling anyone. His family would have been bugging us to know and we would just smile and say we just say we didn’t know.

I was also due approximately one month behind my sister. So when I thought about this I thought, I will be 8 months pregnant when I go to meet my new niece or nephew at the hospital. The nurses will make jokes and ask if I was there to deliver. I thought that I would just laugh, rub my belly and say, “No, we should have another month left.”

I thought about if we would send late Christmas cards announcing our new family member. About how I would have to bake most of the Christmas cookies early because I would be tired from being so far along in the pregnancy and about how different Christmas would be with a newborn. What things would our family get for our new one? Would they want a list of things he or she still needed? I thought about rocking our new baby to sleep in our rocking chair next to the brightly lit tree… none of that is going to happen now. Another Christmas will have come and gone and still no baby.

I realized tonight as time goes on (that's the funny thing about time, it keeps going even when you don't want it to) that these reminders of what I lost will be staring me in the face. Soon it will be August, and my husband and I are taking a long vacation. By the time we get back, August will be half over. Then it will be almost September, then September will fly by and the next thing I know it will be November. I will be visiting my new niece or nephew, my stomach will look normal and flat. Then I will be missing my mom because the second anniversary for her death will have come. Then it will be December 16th and there will be no baby for me to hold.

I am tired of having to rework my thoughts into what I will have and focusing on what I do have. Eventually, I end up seeing, again, what I have lost. I wish I wouldn't have to look so hard for the positive. I am tired of feeling empty armed, I miss my babies. I am missing what I have lost. Does that ever change? Will there ever be a day when I don't miss them and wish so deeply they were here with me?

See? Fat lot of hope did for me!

Recommendations after 5th Loss

Alright, I am about 10 days out from my second opinion, so here was my 1st opinion, from my current RE after our 5th loss.

So I will try to give a short, overall picture of what my RE said in our latest consult, that will be any easy task right? :) Who am I kidding this won't be short, if you make it all the way through this, then you should get yourself a treat at the end! Oif you get it now it may help keep your attention? Who knows... anyways....

First, let's start by saying that I had another d&c done (this would be loss 3 and 5) because I went through three natural m/c's and discovered that if I ever give birth I WILL want drugs.

So of course our baby's tissues came back normal (I hate using the word fetus and I HATE the term products of conception, as if you can just swing by the store to get a baby! If only it were that easy... can I get price check please? Yes, ma'am, that will be $12,000 not including tax, did you pgd with that? Sorry, I digress...) Again, my husband and I were not surprised by this although the RE said he was. He said that the fetal size was small in relation to the gestational sac and that it is usually an indicator of a chromosome problem, especially after the loss of a heartbeat. Since the test came back normal he could not explain this miscarriage (shocker!)

We talked about other issues, clotting issues that haven't been found (said that they would have been addressed through the Lovenox shots) incompetent cervix (no, your losses have been to early to indicate that), constricted uterine veins (no, the 1000mg of met should have addressed that), auto-immune/ immune issues? He doesn't not believe that the studies are valid enough to conduct the testing. An example he gave was that in a smaller study two blood samples were taken from the same person at the same time and sent to two different labs. One came back positive the other was negative (I can't remember what the immune issue was). Now I realize there are thousands of women out there who disagree but these are his reasons and his opinions. He did say that there was another RE in the practice who did some work with auto-immune issues if we were interested in that area, as it was out of his expertise.

So of course we started talking IVF (which he told us that during the consult after our 4th loss that we would not be jumping the gun to go IVF.)

He said that if there is a chromosome error then it is not in a DNA sector that is regularly tested. So if we did IVF w/ PGD it would do us any good because the test wouldn't find anything anyways. He said he believed it to be an egg quality issue due to my history and my most recent m/c. He started to hem and haw little bit, not really giving any information but just talking (you know what I mean ladies...)

So I said, "If I were your daughter or daughter-in-law and I gave you file to look at, what would you tell me to do?" He stumbled over some words then simply said, "I would tell you to go IVF with egg donor." He further said, "5 miscarriages is a lot (insert name here)." For him to say this to me, says a lot. His area of research and expertise is women with PCOS and recurrent miscarriage, these are the people he sees all day long. As far I am concerned, his opinion says a lot to me.

Well... I was expecting IVF just not egg donor straight off the bat. So I was a little taken back. However, I asked for his opinion and he gave it to me. He believes this to the most effective route for my husband and I to have a family. I appreciate his candor and honesty. He also told us that he welcomed a second opinion if that was what we wanted and recommended a couple of RE's...

So we set up an appt with the RE in his office who looks at auto-immune issues and hopefully other immune issues are well. The new RE, Dr. K, is also the director of IVF and her expertise is in egg donor and treating menopausal women. I think she will have some interesting things to say.

I am hoping that she will do some immune testing just so that we will know that we are up against. If the tests come back inconclusive, then I think that says something as well. I am not crazy about the treatment of the immune issues but I would like to make an informed decision.

That appt is at the end of the month so hopefully we will get some testing and results back before the end of the year. My husband and I decided it was best to take the rest of the year off and start again in 2008. It's hard because I am kinda ready now, so I know that I will be chomping at the bit by November.

Alright so this wasn't so short but now I have discussed the history of it all. So now we just wait for our second opinion to start making more concrete decisions.... now go get yourself a treat!

"Aunt Jane" Reared Her Ugly Head Today

Well, the title says it all...

I was at work, my part-time job, and my co-worker says... "Are you and your husband thinking about kids?"

Me- "Well, to be honest we have been trying for 2 years and are having a lot of trouble, but yes, we want kids."

Her- "Oh... well have you thought about adoption?"

Me- "Yes, we just aren't there yet. It's important to me (us) to carry a pregnancy."

Her- "Oh, yeah."

(Insert bitter, annoyed tone below)
I'm sorry did you say adoption??? Gosh, never thought of that.... your a freakin' genius.

I want to be many things

I wish that I could make wanting to be a mother not define me. It's not all of me, just a part of me. I am many things... a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, wife... RPL survivor. I tell myself these things intellectually, in my head, but emotionally, in my heart, I am just not there yet.

But I allow myself to be defined by something I most desperately want, that's to be a mom. I hate it when I define myself as someone who cannot be a mom, someone who is having serious trouble becoming a mom, or is struggling to become an earthly mom. I don't want it to define me and my life. I want my happiness, I deserve my happiness. I cannot allow this one chapter, or hat define my happiness, otherwise what happens if it doesn't happen? What happens to me then?

Woo Hoo!!!

Something to celebrate!!!!! One of my friends, who started this journey before I did, is finally pregnant!!!! When I heard from her I was happy for her I cried!!!!!! Oh gosh, it's just a joy to see people who keep trying to overcome hurdles finally make it...

I am overjoyed for you hun, so, so, happy! Yeah for you and baby!!! I wish so deeply that this is your earth baby! Hugs always

The Irony of RPL

It's hard to believe it but there is irony in the world of Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL). It pretty much sucks about 98% of the time. I am not quite sure what the other 2% would be... maybe it's the time when we are in a holding pattern (I have a whole theory on that) or maybe it's just the optimist in me... who knows.

Irony #1- In the time that I have had 5 m/c's, my sister will have given birth to two healthy babies.

Irony #2- For all the times and length of each of my pregnancies, I have been pregnant a total of 10 months

Irony #3- For all that time I was pregnant why the hell don't have a healthy baby by now???

Irony #4- I am only 29 and I have been recommended egg donor. When all the other 29 year- olds out there are laughing, living it up, and giving birth to healthy children. Lucky whores...

Irony #5- I am finally apart of the top 2% group, RPL'ers make up only 2% of the fertile-fertility group! It may not be Mensa, or considered "the top 2%" but it seems I am special after all, in my very own way...

Irony #6- with all the blood I give, over 10 viles in last pregnancy, I think my body goes into convulsions when I stop... it's like withdrawal from getting poked with needles (now that irony!)

RPL: Diagnosis 101

Let's go over what was found last year, as Leah asked what has been done (thanks for caring Leah)...

Well, to sum it up everything but immune testing.

HSG (check) Looked good, slightly tipped uterus but nothing that should impede implantation

Thyroid panel (check) Looked good

Clotting panel (check) Not so good, Factor V Clotting Disorder (treating with Lovenox once I get a positive pg test)

Homocytine (check) Not so good, it was elevated (I lowered from a 12 to a 7 by taking a complex B vitamin with extra folic)

Folic (check) Not so good, I wasn't getting enough (I now take a prenatal the month I start a cycle that has extra folic and is more easily absorbed by the body)
FYI: B vitamins cannot work right unless you have the correct amount of Folic, they are inter-dependent on each other and no dr told me this. I discovered it after my 3rd loss through my own research

FSH (check) Looked good, it was a 6

LH (check) Not so good, it was elevated (FSH and LH ratio need to be close to 1:1, mine was 1:2)

Ovaries (check) Not so good, lots of little cyst

Pa/Maternal Chromosomes (check) Good, no translocations/ balance

Cystic Fibrosis (check) Good, came back negative

MTHFR (check and re-checked) Good, came back negative

Diagnosis:
PCOS (elevated LH, cystic ovaries, long painful periods accompanied with anovulation and I carry my weight in the middle)

Factor V Clotting Disorder w/out MTHFR

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL)

My entire diagnosis puts me a higher rate of miscarriage than the normal person... well, I guess it's something!

My Angel Babies

My 1st Angel Baby Born, November 2005
My 2nd Angel Baby Born, January 2006
My 3rd Angel Baby Born, October 2006
My 4th Angel Baby Born, February 2007
My 5th Angel Baby Born, May 2007

Not a day goes by when I do not think of you.

Not a day goes by when I don't wish you were here.

Not a day goes by when I don't feel how much I miss you.

Not a day goes by when I don't think about how much I love you.

Not a day goes by when I don't think about how much I want to hold you in my arms.

I still love you all! Say hi to your grandmother for me!!! Love, Mom

Wow, that was a long time ago

I haven't written in this blog in a long, long time... over a year!

Reading my old posts... it amazes me at how far I have come and how little has been accomplished on my road to motherhood.

We did end up going that injectable round, only to miscarry again at 6 weeks. We never made it a heart beat. Had another d&c done... of course the baby's tissue came back normal and no one could answer our question as to why it happened a third time.

Shortly after, we decided to change RE's. I can't tell you how many times we walked into that office and had to re-tell our story to various dr's (because one would always come in before our dr and ask us to review our history). Then on the day when we finally called it quits for that pregnancy our dr didn't even come in to talk to us. It was a devastating place to be in and my dr wouldn't even come see me. The final straw was, that during our follow up visit, she wouldn't answer my question when I asked her, "How likely is it that I can carry a baby to term?" She kept dodging it.

So in January of 07 we started with a new dr. I'll call him Dr. P. Didn't really like him at first. He made me cry in our first consultation and told me that if I didn't takeMetformin, well, there wasn't a lot of hope (I have PCOS). Said that I had to cut my carbs by at least 50%. Put me back on Letrozole. I was so frustrated when he did that... all I did was cry that night. I was taking a step back, not forward. But I did it, then it worked... my body actually ovulated without much help! Miracle!!! Of course we became pregnant, because I do that very well. However, it was a chemical pregnancy. My numbers never got over 300. Well, sh**. So we had another consult... in late March. Little did I know...

I was pregnant again, but this time all on my own. I was in shock and terrified. I hadn't been on any meds. I recently taken back up my Metformin and was alternating 500mg and 1000mg daily... multi-vitamin and aspirin (80mg for my clotting issue). No progesterone, no Lovenox... I thought I was hallucinating when the pregnancy test came out positive. I even took it with me to show my ob's nurse because I thought I was crazy (I am but not for that reason)! I wasn't exactly sure how far along I even was. I had it down to about a week time frame (give or take 3 days either way- one of the times it had come in handy that my husband traveled so much ;) I was very worried that the pregnancy would't work because I hadn't used my 'typical cocktail'...

My numbers were doubling, had them checked 3 times, went in at 6w4d... we had a heartbeat. Everything looked good. Measuring just right... went in at what was to be 8w2d, our heartbeat was gone, our baby measured 7w6d. Shy of our promise land. Just like that... no Christmas baby for me. Again. My heart still breaks thinking about. My little baby gone, just like that. Of course I know my EDD... Dec. 16th. That is going to be a hateful day. I miss all our babies, I would do anything to have them back. I think about all of them everyday, tell them I love them, just like I do my mom.

Our entire family was shocked and devastated for us. We were all so sure that this was going to be the baby that stayed with us. We had never been so far before. Our RE gave us a 20% chance of miscarriage at our 6w appt and 5% if we could get past 8w. We looked at it and said so that's an 80% chance that we will have this baby. We decided to play the odds and let hope rise up... Funny when I read one of my old blogs
and I talked about playing the odds. They haven't worked out so well for us... (Don't get me started on the odds of going through 5 consecutive miscarriages or losing a baby after there is a heartbeat...)

Hope is a double edge sword. We have since had a consult (my RE has REALLY grown on me over the past several months). He may not have the greatest bedside manner all the time, but he doesn't dodge my
questions and I think that I ask pretty hard ones that demand honest answers. He is honest with me, does all my ultra sounds, and tells me if something is outside of his expertise.

Our most recent consult is another blog by its self and we have a second opinion at the end of this month. We'll see how it all pans out but this road to motherhood is difficult. I always knew I would have trouble, but I never thought that it would be keeping my baby. I thought it would be getting there. This has to be one of the most painful roads traveled by women...