Thursday, May 29, 2008
Motherhood Is Tough On The Ego
I am doing better emotionally but the title sums up the last couple of days. Thanks for the support ladies!
Sunday, May 25, 2008
The Big No-No
We continue to struggle with breast feeding. We just cannot seem to keep the correct latch going once nursing begins. So I have resolved to the fact that we will always be using a nipple shield. We tried practicing the latch- pulling him off when it's not right etc. but it was such a frustrating experience for the both of us. It just wasn't worth it anymore.
Our little man is eating about every 2 hours right now and I feel like a cow- I am starting to consider the "big no-no"... adding some formula to one of our night feedings (I will wait for gasps to stop)-
I am just so, so, so tired. I don't like feeling this way. I don't feel like I have the patience or stamina to deal with fussiness that Lil' P has sometimes- the nightitme feedings are the worst. Then I don't want to go out during the day because I am too tired- and I NEED to get out and engage with other adults. When I don't have sleep I am NOT a good parent (seriously, I am not), I get so desperately frustrated. People I know keep saying it's going to get better but no one can tell me when. If I knew when I feel like I might be able to cope better. Instead, I am tired all the time. I actually miss having the energy to complete a load of laundry. Or to clean the kitchen. Or the house in general now as it's a wreck. I know all these things are to expected but I don't feel good as a person, parent, or wife when I feel worn out and exhausted all day long, everyday.
I never realized how much pressure there was out there to breastfeed. When I told the hospital staff and my dr's that I was breastfeeding they all said "good for you" or "great- keep it up". What do they say to the women who don't? I know that breast milk is best for our baby but isn't a reasonably sane mother just as beneficial??
I am still holding out but the honest truth is- I don't want to strictly breast feed anymore. I want some one to tell me it's fine to use formula and then to hand me a case of the stuff. I want and need some of my sleep back and I need to feel like more than just a cow. I want to feel like I am better parent and not be judged because formula might help me do that.
Our little man is eating about every 2 hours right now and I feel like a cow- I am starting to consider the "big no-no"... adding some formula to one of our night feedings (I will wait for gasps to stop)-
I am just so, so, so tired. I don't like feeling this way. I don't feel like I have the patience or stamina to deal with fussiness that Lil' P has sometimes- the nightitme feedings are the worst. Then I don't want to go out during the day because I am too tired- and I NEED to get out and engage with other adults. When I don't have sleep I am NOT a good parent (seriously, I am not), I get so desperately frustrated. People I know keep saying it's going to get better but no one can tell me when. If I knew when I feel like I might be able to cope better. Instead, I am tired all the time. I actually miss having the energy to complete a load of laundry. Or to clean the kitchen. Or the house in general now as it's a wreck. I know all these things are to expected but I don't feel good as a person, parent, or wife when I feel worn out and exhausted all day long, everyday.
I never realized how much pressure there was out there to breastfeed. When I told the hospital staff and my dr's that I was breastfeeding they all said "good for you" or "great- keep it up". What do they say to the women who don't? I know that breast milk is best for our baby but isn't a reasonably sane mother just as beneficial??
I am still holding out but the honest truth is- I don't want to strictly breast feed anymore. I want some one to tell me it's fine to use formula and then to hand me a case of the stuff. I want and need some of my sleep back and I need to feel like more than just a cow. I want to feel like I am better parent and not be judged because formula might help me do that.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Late Mother's Day
While I missed Mother's Day I would like to post this picture in honor of my mom.
She loved Lilacs... I love you mom and I think of you daily.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Boy, Has My Nutshell Changed!
Our baby arrived 05/03/08 at 7:05am!
My water broke at home just before midnight, 05/01/08, and contractions started about 45 minutes after. We were admitted to the hospital about 2am.
It was a very long labor… after going natural for 14 hours my body could no longer relax through the contractions and I was not able to establish an “adequate” labor so I received an epidural. After another hour or two of labor a pattern was still not established. After some decision making we added pitocin to the regiment in an effort to avoid a c- section.
You would think that this would result in a baby being born soon- but you’d be wrong! After being on pitocin for a couple of more hours my labor started to become established but the dr was concerned about the strength of the contractions, so they put in a internal monitor. After doing that the baby started to react poorly and they took me off the pitocin to let the baby regroup. Of course my contractions then slowed so we waited a couple of more hours and I was then placed back on it.
Finally, a labor pattern was established with the baby responding well. Finally, at 5am the following morning, I started to push. Sometime after I started to push my IV for the pitocin and epidural came out- everyone failed to notice- so the pushing was all natural for those two hours.
Oddly, no one told me what the sex was- I had to ask! That’s when I found out our baby boy had arrived!
We are still recuperating after our 31 hour labor but are getting through it. L was a champ and still is. He has been an incredible source of strength for me and D. I start to cry every time I think about it.
We are struggling with breast feeding, which is one of the reasons it’s taken me so long to post this, but the lactation consultant is great and we have already seen her twice now. It's more emotionally challenging that I had ever thought. Each time I consider stopping and going to strictly pumping I feel like I have failed in some way- guess that's a whole different post though.
I hope to keep posting often but I think it will be sporadic for at least the next couple of weeks- at best. I will try to keep up with everyone but if I don't post please know that I am thinking of you all and wishing you great things...
So that's my nutshell of a new life!
My water broke at home just before midnight, 05/01/08, and contractions started about 45 minutes after. We were admitted to the hospital about 2am.
It was a very long labor… after going natural for 14 hours my body could no longer relax through the contractions and I was not able to establish an “adequate” labor so I received an epidural. After another hour or two of labor a pattern was still not established. After some decision making we added pitocin to the regiment in an effort to avoid a c- section.
You would think that this would result in a baby being born soon- but you’d be wrong! After being on pitocin for a couple of more hours my labor started to become established but the dr was concerned about the strength of the contractions, so they put in a internal monitor. After doing that the baby started to react poorly and they took me off the pitocin to let the baby regroup. Of course my contractions then slowed so we waited a couple of more hours and I was then placed back on it.
Finally, a labor pattern was established with the baby responding well. Finally, at 5am the following morning, I started to push. Sometime after I started to push my IV for the pitocin and epidural came out- everyone failed to notice- so the pushing was all natural for those two hours.
Oddly, no one told me what the sex was- I had to ask! That’s when I found out our baby boy had arrived!
We are still recuperating after our 31 hour labor but are getting through it. L was a champ and still is. He has been an incredible source of strength for me and D. I start to cry every time I think about it.
We are struggling with breast feeding, which is one of the reasons it’s taken me so long to post this, but the lactation consultant is great and we have already seen her twice now. It's more emotionally challenging that I had ever thought. Each time I consider stopping and going to strictly pumping I feel like I have failed in some way- guess that's a whole different post though.
I hope to keep posting often but I think it will be sporadic for at least the next couple of weeks- at best. I will try to keep up with everyone but if I don't post please know that I am thinking of you all and wishing you great things...
So that's my nutshell of a new life!
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Today's Nutshell
Thanks for to all for the support and understanding- it was nice to know that I wasn't crazy for feeling upset about Hussie. It helped a lot!!!
However, Hussie may not actually be the one who is the hussie. But that's for later in the story...
So I ended up talking to my sister, E, about how I was feeling. She was able to calm me down some and I became a bit more rational (but only a bit). I think ultimately what I needed most, was for someone close to me to be empathetic which she was able to do.
So in the conversation that I had with E we decided that it would be best to not have the birthday dinner at my oldest sisters house as originally planned. We decided that a local restaurant would be better- neutral territory and I felt like our family space was not being invaded. The dinner wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. While Hussie seemed nice enough, and appropriately nervous, I didn't get a whole lot of time to chat with her. Although, her mannerisms reminded me of a close family friend which was slightly endearing to me (as I love this family friend). Hussie stayed several days but I only had dinner with her that one night. I did observe during the evening though that every time my dad would try to be affectionate she would pull away. I am not sure if that was because of our presence or because she was not ready for that type of display. I think perhaps a little of both.
So you are wondering who the hussie is in this story, right? I think it might actually be my dad. After the Original Hussie left I was talking to E who told me that my dad was leaving AGAIN this weekend. Where you may be wondering??? To meet up with ANOTHER woman. When my sister inquired about her name he couldn't remember. Nice.
Over the years I have gotten the impression that my father didn't date a lot- perhaps he is getting it out of his system now. (Sigh)...
My family is nuts and I know my mom just keeps shaking her head.
***Pregnancy Mentioned***
Just wanted to say that my contractions continue and became close enough last night at 1:30am to indicate to us that we needed to go to the hospital. Upon arrival, I had my first internal exam done (as I was/ am declining them to decrease the risk of infection). I discovered while my contractions were lasting for 1 minute and 4 minutes apart for 1 hour (4-1-1) I was not effaced or dilated enough- so we were sent home. I was managing the pain and didn't really feel like we needed to go (and I didn't want to get to the hospital to be sent home), but I thought L would kill me if I fought him on going. Overall, it was a good learning experience.
I learned I do not like being in the bed at all, the change of environment really decreased the intensity of my contractions, and the baby does well during contractions. So, we need to make sure that my contractions are very established (going on longer than 1 hour) the next time and even though the maternity triage nurse will strap me to a wired monitor, I am not getting in the bed until she is ready to check me.
L and I agreed that when this happens again ('casue duh, it will) we are going to base our decision on leaving for the hospital on what my intuition is telling me and how I am feeling about the contractions- instead of what the clock is telling us. Like I said though, it was a good learning expereince.
So that's me and my life in a nutshell... for today
However, Hussie may not actually be the one who is the hussie. But that's for later in the story...
So I ended up talking to my sister, E, about how I was feeling. She was able to calm me down some and I became a bit more rational (but only a bit). I think ultimately what I needed most, was for someone close to me to be empathetic which she was able to do.
So in the conversation that I had with E we decided that it would be best to not have the birthday dinner at my oldest sisters house as originally planned. We decided that a local restaurant would be better- neutral territory and I felt like our family space was not being invaded. The dinner wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. While Hussie seemed nice enough, and appropriately nervous, I didn't get a whole lot of time to chat with her. Although, her mannerisms reminded me of a close family friend which was slightly endearing to me (as I love this family friend). Hussie stayed several days but I only had dinner with her that one night. I did observe during the evening though that every time my dad would try to be affectionate she would pull away. I am not sure if that was because of our presence or because she was not ready for that type of display. I think perhaps a little of both.
So you are wondering who the hussie is in this story, right? I think it might actually be my dad. After the Original Hussie left I was talking to E who told me that my dad was leaving AGAIN this weekend. Where you may be wondering??? To meet up with ANOTHER woman. When my sister inquired about her name he couldn't remember. Nice.
Over the years I have gotten the impression that my father didn't date a lot- perhaps he is getting it out of his system now. (Sigh)...
My family is nuts and I know my mom just keeps shaking her head.
***Pregnancy Mentioned***
Just wanted to say that my contractions continue and became close enough last night at 1:30am to indicate to us that we needed to go to the hospital. Upon arrival, I had my first internal exam done (as I was/ am declining them to decrease the risk of infection). I discovered while my contractions were lasting for 1 minute and 4 minutes apart for 1 hour (4-1-1) I was not effaced or dilated enough- so we were sent home. I was managing the pain and didn't really feel like we needed to go (and I didn't want to get to the hospital to be sent home), but I thought L would kill me if I fought him on going. Overall, it was a good learning experience.
I learned I do not like being in the bed at all, the change of environment really decreased the intensity of my contractions, and the baby does well during contractions. So, we need to make sure that my contractions are very established (going on longer than 1 hour) the next time and even though the maternity triage nurse will strap me to a wired monitor, I am not getting in the bed until she is ready to check me.
L and I agreed that when this happens again ('casue duh, it will) we are going to base our decision on leaving for the hospital on what my intuition is telling me and how I am feeling about the contractions- instead of what the clock is telling us. Like I said though, it was a good learning expereince.
So that's me and my life in a nutshell... for today
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