I Am Reduced To This

I actually mocked a TV character last night... it's a sad moment in my life.

Background information on this character- after several tests, decades and decades ago, she and her husband were told that they could not have children.

Scene...

"Grace are you feeling aright?"

"Yeah, I am just a little queasy... it's just the flu."

Me- [insert a very mocking tone] "I am pregnant even though I am 45 and I didn't need any help from fertility treatments... look at me.

[Insert angry tone] "Of all the stupid, sorry, son- of-a-... I can't believe how unrealistic this is!"

[Stomping out of the room] "Well, don't you get a fucking cookie."

Happiness Can Mean Subtracting

A magazine article made me think about our pursuit of Happiness a little differently. The major result of being happy is a higher quality of life. Often times when we are in search of making something a higher quality we think, “What can I add to this (fill in blank) to make it better?”

It seems like we are all very motivated people. We have goals that we want to reach and some that we have already obtained. Maybe it was house, a brand new car, creating a garden, learning to play an instrument, or taking that photography class. We add things to our lives to make it more enjoyable. What if the answer is not in what we add, but what we subtract? What if we said, “I am going to stop working so late every night” or “I am going to leave the rest of the ‘To Do’ until tomorrow”? What if we subtracted something from our lives that zaps the energy out of us? Maybe it's a relationship we have with someone, the late nights at work, or rushing home to get the laundry done and fixing dinner 5 times a week? We work hard already and I bet our schedules are already crammed full of stuff- and let’s not discount the times when we are in fertility treatments because that's a whole other job!

What if instead of looking at things to add to our lives we looked at things we can subtract?

Okay... Well... Huh.... Alrighty... Ahhhh... Mmhmm...

I think that I should win an award. Preferably, something that includes a large and hefty stash of money, to help pay for my treatments. Why you ask? Why should this be given to me specifically? What makes me more special than anyone out there in the the IF world? Well, I should tell you that this award would also be titled, "The Most Fertile Infertile Ever."

I think the title of this post captures my first thoughts after taking my pregnancy test. It most definitely did not say "Not Pregnant." My thoughts also included, "I will need to make some phone calls on Monday." These phone calls do not include the happy ones with excitement and smiles to friends and family. That ship has looooong since sailed. These calls will be to my Ob's office and my RE's. Aside from L, these are the next people in my life who learn when I am pregnant. Little sad...

All of my excitement went out with the first 5 pregnancies. That's right, I had some type of excitement with all of my pregnancies. I too was surprised that I was able to hold on to it for that long. The capacity of the human spirit amazes me. It really, really does.

The human spirit is strong in this 'sphere. I have seen women beat the odds, the statistics, and the unknown. All of you are an inspiration with insurmountable grace. I know that many people will not be able to say anything at all to me because it's a reminder of what they have lost or want. The good Lord knows there are enough reminders in our everyday lives and I am sorry that I've added another. I really am. I think of how I have beaten myself up in the past for not being able to overcome my own feelings of sadness in light of someone else's happiness- quite frankly IF has beat me up enough and I have realized I will not help IF with that anymore. I hope you are able to join me in this cause.

With all that being said I, sincerely and kindly, ask you to please, please, please... Do Not wish me congratulations. As you know I have been here before. Many times. 5 to be exact but hey I'm not counting or anything.

Mostly, so far, I feel sad about feeling resigned to my situation and a little scared of what's to come. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, I don't feel like sharing more after this, I don't want to talk with friends and family about it. I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide from it for a little longer. If I can't see it then it's not happening right? I just needed to get all this jumble out of my head. So I appreciate you, if you are reading, at letting me have a sounding board- because that is what I need the most right now. Thank you.

I have a small glimmer of hope, it's my catch-22 after all, but... I know that there is not much more I can do at this point. I must wait and see what happens. Call the dr's offices in the morning to start the labs and see what my RE says about starting IVIg. I will start the progesterone and Lovenox shots tonight. I feel resigned, and maybe even reluctant, to start this process all over again.

If you can- wish me luck ladies because my history says I am going to need it.

I Can't Hear You And I Don't Know Why

While in Mexico my husband and I talked only a little about our fertility issues and what we might want to do.

I prompted a conversation and L started talking about surrogacy again and I could just feel my hands going over my ears. I didn’t want to hear it. Why?

A few other bloggers, unknowingly, brought this back to my attention. Why does this make me want to put my hands over my ears and sing the ‘Smurf’ theme song? Why was Smurfette the only female by the way? Apparently, her fertility was fantastic. What a whore. Sorry, I digress-

All L wanted me to tell him is that it wasn’t off the table. The first time he brought it up I immediately thought, “I would rather adopt.” Period. No discussion. I told him so as well. Turns out that upset him more than he let on at the time. So I told him the truth in Mexico, it wasn’t off the table. Technically, it's not. It's an option I have but I don't have to like it. That being said, I didn’t explain my raw red thoughts about it or my feelings of disdain for it either.

How can I explain it when I don’t even understand my aversion to it? What if, after all this work, the only options left for us are surrogacy, adoption, or living childfree? In theory, I don’t suppose surrogacy is all the different than adopting. You have to trust what the birth mother says. You have to believe that she took care of herself during or throughout her pregnancy. If she states she has not taken any alcohol, illicit drugs, or use something harmful you have to believe her. You also have to trust that the medical history she has given is accurate.

I asked the age old question after my last RE said DE, “What is more important, being mom or carrying the baby?” My response has always stayed the same… I want to carry a baby. With my family health history of cancer and all my fertility issues I knew it would be hard to give up that genetic link but I could do it. In the end, my baby would have a healthier life, I could give him or her a possible genetic edge and, to me, that was an amazing gift. To not face what I am likely too, cancer, or what my other family members have. If I could carry my baby to full term and give them a healthier life- I could do DE. I would feel the baby move. Watch my belly grow. Give birth. Breast feed. All these things, that I so deeply desire, that my words just cannot begin to express. However, through my life experience and work I know that these are not the only things that make a woman a mother. A mother is so much more than than this, so much more... Still, these reasons speak so loud to me. Why?

In surrogacy, I know that I would lose a lot of that, if not all of that. I am sure the medical field has figured out a way to make a woman lactate so I assume there would at least be that for me. However, upon initial thought- surrogacy doesn’t appeal to me. Let’s say though I am able to work past those issues. Then I am left with my most important question, “Who would I trust enough to carry my baby? Who would be the person to carry and keep safe my most precious treasure? Who would protect them as I would and vow to keep them safe at all costs?” Really, who would that be? Who can I put that ultimate trust in? I have no answer.

I asked L to table the discussion and revisit if we get to that point. All I can think now is please let this IVIg treatment work.

Warning: TMI and Stupid Things In The 2ww

Stupid Thing 1) I change my mind two times, thus change lanes twice, about what Starbucks bathroom to use because one has poor lighting and I cannot analyze the color of my pee (because I take a Super B complex) and my urine changes color when I am pregnant.

Stupid Thing 2) I try to avoid looking at pregnant people. So thank you pregnant Starbucks woman for making my Mocha Frappuccino (whore!)

Stupid Thing 3) Analyze any lower abdominal twinges I have. I actually thought last night, "Oh man, if only I had been in the right sitting position when I sneezed- then I could have seen if it would have made a pulling sensation- damn it!"

Stupid Thing 4) Hmmm... I think my boobs look bigger. No wait, that's the two pounds I have gained from bloating. Hey wait! I think my nipples might be darker! Oh yeah, I just got out of the shower. Oooo...! No, that Montgomery gland is from my last pregnancy. Shit.

Stupid Thing 5) I think I am starting to feel queasiness and lightheaded! When was the last time I ate and took the Metformin? Huh, 7 hours ago.

Stupid Thing 6) "I must remember that breast tenderness is my new ovulation/ progesterone symptom, not a sign of pregnancy." Repeat 3 more times.

I cannot be the only one who does these stupid things- right?

Happiness

What is happiness? This question comes courtesy of Mel's blog over at the Stirrup Queens.

I believe it is way too late in my day to be pondering this but I will give it a try. Maybe I become more deep when I tired, like people become more honest when they are intoxicated...?

When I think of happiness I think of moments when I notice the how a trees leaves look just the right shade of green next to the blue sky. I think of my family and campfires. My nephew laughing so hard he snorts (it's really too funny). Just sitting inside on a rainy day, reading a good book with my Mocha. Maybe a friends thoughtful comment or help. A quiet evening with L. Remembering my mom's laughter or imagining her scratch my back when I am sad and just simply giving me a hug.

When I think of these moments collectively I try to imagine the feeling I have had. There are many to pick from. It's a sense of peace. Of calm. Feeling grounded. Having the faith and confidence that whatever is handed to me I will be okay at the end. It's being content with my life in the moment. The ability to accept things as they are and not wanting to change it.

I think that overall, I am an optimistic person however incredibly sarcastic and sassy I maybe in real life (my sense of humor came courtesy of my mom.) The things I have written about usually make me want to yack when I hear other people actually speak these words but here they are none the less.

This is my happiness.

Identical Quads

I saw a news report a couple of days ago about a women who gave birth to identical quadruplets. The odds are close, or slightly over, 1 in 3 million.

What a lucky whore.

Another Cross

I don't know why but this memory came back to me today...

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When I was waiting for a my second set of labs to come back from the ob's office during my 4th pregnancy I was at an infertility training for mental health professionals. Ironic, I know.

When I got the news that my pregnancy was going to once again fail I was devastated. I just cried and cried. My first set of numbers looked very promising and my progesterone was through the roof, measuring 37. It was awful. I could barely re-group.

I was with a friend, who was about 7 months pregnant, and she was asking me what there was to do. I told the truth,

"There is nothing to do. I wait to miscarry."

"How long could that take?"

"Anywhere from today to another week. Depends on how fast my numbers drop."

"That has to be awful... you just have to wait for that? I would much rather not be able to get pregnant at all then to keep miscarrying."

"Me too."
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Not that I am trying to belittle the experience of others. Those who struggle to become pregnant have their own crosses to bear. I only have my experience to draw from and the pain and loss of multiple miscarriages is devastating and excruciating. You feel so alone and isolated and there is likely no one in your life who can understand. The irrational thoughts and fears are abundant in this world. To come so close just to have it taken away. Again. To be told 'no' once again. This painful experience is beyond what words can express. I often feel trapped in race, that not only did I not sign up for, but one that I cannot win. No matter how hard I train I am always being told it wasn't quite enough.

Not that I would wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish I could bear someone else's cross. Just for a little while.

What Has Gone On Since Mexico

While I was away, our RE’s office submitted our request to have the IVIg covered. It was declined (no surprise there). By the time I spoke RE’s office again, this past Friday, they had already sent in their appeal. I spoke with Nurse Nice and she said, “We don’t give up that easily.” She said that they sent in the appeal with all the updated information and statistics. Nurse Nice did admit that some had agreed to pay after an appeal was made. However, because we have the state health plan ours was not likely to be overturned.

I asked what my levels were and she told me that it didn't really matter because they were abnormal. Either way this was the treatment that I needed. She did say that if costs were too high that when we came in for our consult with Dr. K that other options would be discussed. Again, if there really are other options, I am just glad to know she is willing to talk about them to me.

It was nice to feel like there was someone else who was fighting for me besides me. I love L but he doesn't do the research I do or understand what hormones mean and their purpose. He tries but I am not sure I would be as invested or understand as much if I were a male. He supports me but usually by saying, "Whatever you want" or "Whatever makes you comfortable."

I spoke briefly with the company who would be doing my transfusion. They were actually the first ones to tell me that my claim was denied. She answered some of my questions and told me that the treatment is done by a nurse inside the home, which made me feel better. It seemed like there were less complications related to logistics with that. Dr. K would make recommendations on the number of units based up on the person, usually between 25-40mg. The levels are re-tested every month to see if further treatment is needed. Again, I found this comforting because it seems my dr didn't want to do anything unnecessary. Each unit is $100.00 and then some additional fees. She did tell me that they give cash discounts if insurance will not cover it. It's something so I will take it.

I will schedule my saline u/s as soon as AF arrives and then we will talk about the treatment and possibly other options.
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On a much more hopeful note a friend of mine, a fellow RPL’er, found out that she is pregnant. She told me that her numbers look better than they ever had and while trying to not get too hopeful, they have reason to be. She has had four pregnancies and none have ever progressed past 6 weeks. Please send her prayers and positive energy!

I Have A Secret

Well, it won't be anymore but I feel that I have officially confirmed it today... I ovulated all by myself again while we were in Mexico. My new symptom of random breast tenderness was very prevalent today. That's 4 times in a row for me, 3 since my last m/c. Seriously amazing for this PCOS'er!

I went from a 29 day cycle month, to a 49 day cycle month, back to (about) 35 day cycle month.

My OV watch went out while in Mexico so I decided to check things out the old fashioned way. Upon another inspection the following day, I found that I was too late, I had already o'ed. I haven't told L because I don't want him to worry but did hint today that I should be seeing AF in a couple of weeks. I am not sure how I feel about all this so I am just going to take it in stride. I'm just happy I o'ed all by myself again.

I guess we'll see if I really do become pregnant every time egg and sperm are present.

Hola!

Well, I am back and it appears we made it out right before Hurricane Dean. I know it's corny and cheesy, but I hope that everyone there will be alright. So frightening to think of all that those people could lose including thier lives.... (silent prayers to them).

It was wonderful, I actually recommend that you all blow your fertility money on a vacation, because all we have to do is "relax" right? "If you relax then you'll get pregnant- don't worry so much" (groan.... how 'bout a shut the hell up for you?)

Seriously, we had a great time and loved it. We never left the resort, except to go shopping one time in Playa. We laid on the beach, read books, went swimming, and ate. Then ate some more.

Since being back, for less than 24 hours, I already have info from the fertility war front and my RE's office has been working hard for me, L, and my future family. I promise that I will update on that later.... I have to catch up on work stuff and our bedroom looks like our suitcases exploded. So lots of laundry, woo hoo!

Thanks to those who let me know they read my blog... even if it's just a few, it's nice to know that I don't talk to myself ALL the time...

I'm Chile! (But Still Going To Mexico)

You're Chile!

You're really skinny, and kind of bumpy in frame, but you're not as
rough a person as you used to be. You like long, long, long walks on the beach and avoiding having your rights violated, just like anybody else does. You're even willing to stand up to those with more power and influence than you, trying to bring them to justice. Fight the man!

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

This came to me courtesy of Leah, thanks! I am still trying to get the personality test downloaded!
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Yeah! Fight the man! (I am not sure who the man is though) Who is the man? Discuss.....

So I am a Chile but L and I leave for our vacation to Mexico today. We fly out at the ass-crack of dawn on Monday so we are spending the night at his parents house since they live about 30 minutes from the airport. It's gonna be sooooo nice... it's a resort outside of Play del Carmen. After our last loss we decided to take the rest of our fertility money and have some fun with it. (It's strange I know, to think that fertility treatments aren't fun... who doesn't love a 1in. needle? It's just us and the heroin heads ladies!)

So I am off... not sure if anyone reads this blog but I thought someone might care.

Adios!

17 Children And 'Thriller'

Don't get me wrong I want children (duh, otherwise I wouldn't be here)
but I think that this woman takes it to the extreme. Seriously, 17
children, all their names start with a 'J'? What the hell? As someone who is in the mental health sector I think this women clearly has some issues to work out... and some OCD around the letter 'J'. Just my opinion though.

However, even if she is crazy, she may be a surrogate resource...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9680098/

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On a lighter note, or more disturbing depending on the point of view, while at yahoo this morning I found the most frightening video clip... it's people re-enacting the video 'Thriller'. However, it should be noted that these people are from the Philippines... and prisoners.

It was too painful for me to watch them all dance while wearing orange.

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=879021&fr=&cache=1

Houston, We Have Found Another Problem (Immune Issue)

It’s been a hell of a week ladies (or gentlemen if you are reading).

Found out that I ovulated this cycle (that’s 3 times in eight months, all by myself, new record for me!) and AF arrived late Saturday so thank you Lord and Universe! I, seriously, could not have handled a pregnancy right now. Until I can figure out a way to really manage my anxiety I don’t want to be pregnant. Too scary…

So we may have found our “why can’t I keep a pregnancy?” answer... or maybe just another answer to the ones I already have because 3 aren’t enough [insert bitter tone and fake smile]

I get the call while looking for quilting fabric for my sister’s baby (this will be her second)… so it was “super fun” and I couldn’t ask a whole lot of questions.

Dr. K’s nurse called today, Nurse Nice (‘cause she really is). While my NK (Natural Killer) came back normal my Leukocyte Antibody Detection (LAD) did not. It has thrown me for a serious loop. After a year and a half, of hearing “Everything came back normal” I am in shock… a daze if you will. What? What does that exactly mean?

As best I can figure out, your body naturally has white blood cells (these are Leukocytes). In pregnancy you are supposed to create antibodies to those blood cells so that it doesn’t attack the baby, making the uterus and sac a ‘safe haven’. My body does not create the antibodies my baby needs for protection. The treatment…

IVIg - a.k.a a blood transfusion given starting the month you plan to be pregnant, then again once pregnancy is confirmed, and possibly given every 4 weeks until you are 30 weeks along. This is about $3,000-5,000 per treatment (of COURSE there is no insurance coverage silly!). I read an article that talked about 6 studies that were done using IVIg. I cut and pasted the study that appeared to pertain to my situation the best….

***In a randomized controlled trial, the effect of IVIG was assessed in patients expected to have a poor outcome if untreated, i.e., women with five or more abortions, who have aborted AFTER paternal leukocyte immunization or who continue to abort despite expressing anti-paternal complement dependent antibody22. Seventy-six women received IVIG in a dose of 400 mg/kg body weight, in one day (total 30-45 g) in the follicular phase of a cycle in which pregnancy was planned. A booster dose was administered when pregnancy was diagnosed. Their results were compared to an untreated control group of 74 women. The results showed that thirty-five (49%) pregnancies in treated women have resulted in live births or passed their previous stages of abortion compared to 23 (31%) in control patients (P=0.04). In conclusion, these figures indicate that IVIG may prevent further miscarriages in this poor prognosis population. These figures are especially significant considering the doubt concerning the efficacy of IVIG in patients with three miscarriages and therefore a relatively good prognosis.***

However, another more promising study said,

***Group 1 was women who had a history of three or four spontaneous abortions; group 2 was women who had a history of five or more spontaneous abortions5. Antibody production was reported to relate to an increased live birth rate in both groups. In women with 3-4 abortions, live births increased from 18.5 to 53.7%, and in women with five or more abortions, live births increased from 44.4 to 67.5%. Both immunization with paternal leukocytes and expression of anti-paternal antibodies were associated with an increase in live birth rate in subsequent pregnancy.***
www.oxhp.com/secure/policy/immunotherapy_for_recurrent_pregnancy_loss_607.html

(When for the love of God are we going to STOP using the word abortion when it comes to miscarriages??? Get with it medical field! I always feel so insulted when I read those words. Not that I have a problem with women who choose that, it’s just that I WANTED my baby.)

Again, no guarantees here. Some people make it, some don’t (shouldn’t we be guaranteed something after all of our tears and pain?) Of course I would like to think that I would be in the favorable odds. However, that hasn’t gotten me very far in the past. I certainly never thought I would have 1 miscarriage let alone 5… or be considered a part of a “poor prognosis population.”

What happened to the days when decisions were easy? Like, grape or cherry? Whip cream with that? Would like butter on that?

Where’s my Decaf Grande Mocha from Starbucks? (said with despair and desperation)

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More IVIg article links- http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=&id=278

www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/firstcontroversies/prague1999daya4

Why is Nicole Richie Pregnant?

Nicole Richie is a person I can completely unleash my bitterness on. After all, I don't know her personally so that makes it better, right?

*Warning- Rant*

How in the HELL does it make any sense that SHE gets to become pregnant and likely to carry to full term and not me? Don't get me started about the possibility of Britney Spears being pregnant for the third time and NOT knowing who the father is. Hello? Isn't that a little whorish?

See, now I am just getting ugly about these whores who likely don't even care! It is things like this that make me irate for all of us in the infertility world! They are just a bunch of lucky, drunk-ass bitches who don't care...

What about Hillary? Do you think that Hillary Duff is like "Joel, what the hell man?"