**a pregnancy mentioned**
First portion of good news is a fellow friend and RPL'er is safely in the second trimester- woo hoo!!! I am so so excited for her! Awesome, awesome... the even better news is that she is so far into the the trimester she is starting to feel the baby move- how cool is that?! Big, big hugs for her :)
Second portion, one of my oldest friends got engaged over the weekend!! I am so happy for her because I think secretly she had been starting to wonder if her man was EVER going to take the plunge. We have known each other for 19 years so, huge moment for her! In my mind I am letting go of balloons in celebration for her. Congrats hun!
Third portion, it's Halloween! All that extra candy you bought and said, "It's for the trick or treaters!"- you can now start eating! What isn't there to celebrate?! Just thinking of all the Gryffindors and Slytherins that will be on the doorstep tonight brings a smile to my face :)
Feel free to join in on the good news day if you have something to share- no matter how big or small!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Old Issues Still Around
**pregnancy mentioned**
I was invited to a PWP blog "The I Word..." and I checked it out. Very cool blog and Elizabeth got me thinking about things.
As a fertility challenged women to a newly pregnant one I find that my irrational RPL thoughts are still with me. While I should know better than to think that these things don't just disappear, I am still a little surprised.
L and I were at O.live G.arden (love the Minestrone soup and bread sticks!) and a couple walked in with a baby that was 4-5 months old. I thought, "Lucky Bast**ds." The thought was immediate. No filter. It took me couple of seconds to realize that could be me in many months. Weird.
I have realized, psychologically, that I still think that I could ruin this pregnancy if I look at baby things to long on the computer- or if I have to wear maternity pants. I look at a very pregnant person and think- "I hope that I can get there someday."
It's all so irrational. And yet, these thoughts continue to come as easily as breathing.
All that said, I am making good progress at happiness for this pregnancy. Why just the other day, I borrowed 3 pregnancy books from my sister! 3! L and I have actually been having conversations about when to start preparing the baby's room. And the color choices too boot!
Also, this is my biggest step- two people outside my family asked if I was pregnant- and I said "Yes, but we aren't telling people yet." This pretty gutsy stuff for me... and yet my irrational thoughts continue- like none of these positive things are happening too me.
At some point soon, I am going to have to just trust this process and let go and really enjoy. I am going to start working to make sure the day arrives soon.
I was invited to a PWP blog "The I Word..." and I checked it out. Very cool blog and Elizabeth got me thinking about things.
As a fertility challenged women to a newly pregnant one I find that my irrational RPL thoughts are still with me. While I should know better than to think that these things don't just disappear, I am still a little surprised.
L and I were at O.live G.arden (love the Minestrone soup and bread sticks!) and a couple walked in with a baby that was 4-5 months old. I thought, "Lucky Bast**ds." The thought was immediate. No filter. It took me couple of seconds to realize that could be me in many months. Weird.
I have realized, psychologically, that I still think that I could ruin this pregnancy if I look at baby things to long on the computer- or if I have to wear maternity pants. I look at a very pregnant person and think- "I hope that I can get there someday."
It's all so irrational. And yet, these thoughts continue to come as easily as breathing.
All that said, I am making good progress at happiness for this pregnancy. Why just the other day, I borrowed 3 pregnancy books from my sister! 3! L and I have actually been having conversations about when to start preparing the baby's room. And the color choices too boot!
Also, this is my biggest step- two people outside my family asked if I was pregnant- and I said "Yes, but we aren't telling people yet." This pretty gutsy stuff for me... and yet my irrational thoughts continue- like none of these positive things are happening too me.
At some point soon, I am going to have to just trust this process and let go and really enjoy. I am going to start working to make sure the day arrives soon.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Glad I Checked
Wasn't able to catch Friday Round Up at the Stirrup Queens on Friday so I just went over there and checked. Mel and mentioned the post, "Felling A Little Guilty" and the things I was pondering.
Well, after reading that, I scrolled down to the post and was saw that many people posted, guess I know what happens when Mel talks about your blog!
Again, I appreciate people being supportive and honest. Honesty will always go so much further with me than anything else, especially when it is said in a constructive way.
Thank you for all the honest thoughts and sharing each of your own perspectives.
None of the comments have changed my final thoughts however. Still blogging my life- if it's all rainbows and puppies (I think I missed that scene!) or if it's counter curses and evil horcruxes. Here is where it will all land!
Well, after reading that, I scrolled down to the post and was saw that many people posted, guess I know what happens when Mel talks about your blog!
Again, I appreciate people being supportive and honest. Honesty will always go so much further with me than anything else, especially when it is said in a constructive way.
Thank you for all the honest thoughts and sharing each of your own perspectives.
None of the comments have changed my final thoughts however. Still blogging my life- if it's all rainbows and puppies (I think I missed that scene!) or if it's counter curses and evil horcruxes. Here is where it will all land!
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Thanks And Intimidated
First want to say thanks for your opinions on the whole intern fiasco. I am still a little burned about it and I don't believe that my supervisor will be saying anything to this intern either. That being said, it is what it is- and I can't change it. Moving on!
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Now, I want to say thanks for all the honest opinions about the "Feeling A Little Guilty" post. You were all open and honest with me and that is what I needed most and I respect you even more so for it! So thanks, you all are a great bunch of gals :) I've decided that I am going to post things as my life happens. It's life- it does include celebrations and frustrations- and hopefully a healthy pregnancy for me and prayerfully for you soon. Finally, for now, I am going to keep the title of my blog. I feel like it's pretty encompassing.
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**pregnancy mentioned**
Over the past several days I have realized that I seriously might have this baby. I know that some of you think, "Well, duh!" but I have RPL brain. It's also the RPL brain that makes me want to keep pushing back the date to tell people about my pregnancy.
At first I was going to tell people at 13 or 13-1/2 weeks. Now that I am so close to the 'designated week' I am thinking, weeeell... maybe another week. I know it's because I am afraid as soon as I share my good news that I will jinx everything and will then be followed by going into the crapper. Another part of me thinks, I've waited this long, why bother? They'll figure it out eventually, right? I could just tell them all I am getting fat- which will technically be true.
I have also allowed myself to read more and more about pregnancy and labor over the last two weeks. I have to admit, labor intimidates me to to no end. I think that a major reason why is that I would like to have a natural childbirth. C-sections aren't for me. With epidurals- all I can think is you want to put that into my spinal fluid? And then you want me to just lay there? Induction? No, no, no- not for me thanks. I know... a little silly saying all that while saying yes to the pain of natural childbirth. You are all thinking (while twirling your index finger around you temple) "Crazy woman! This is what appeals to you out of all your options? Seriously?"
What can I say? I am a masochist.
However, there are two highly intimidating factors for me.
1) I know no one who has gone through natural childbirth. So I can't ask questions and be given honest, genuine answers. Everyone I know got an epidural or was induced then got and epidural, or had a c-section either due to choice or necessity. Now I realize that anything can happen but I think that I would really like to prepare for a natural birth. My ideal would be to have water birth in a birthing center or at home and L will never, ever, EVER go for it since we have discussed it. So that ain't happenin'... Not to mention because of the blood thinners I am on I think that I would be considered too high risk.
2) The fertility issues and all of my miscarriages have really taken the confidence I have in body down to nil. I am not sure how to get that back or if I even can. I just don't trust my body anymore to do what it should without feeling highly skeptical or thinking I will need medical intervention.
For these reasons, I have started to look into doula services and have found some encouraging information. I am just hoping that the medical world of the west is willing to indulge me.
********************************
Now, I want to say thanks for all the honest opinions about the "Feeling A Little Guilty" post. You were all open and honest with me and that is what I needed most and I respect you even more so for it! So thanks, you all are a great bunch of gals :) I've decided that I am going to post things as my life happens. It's life- it does include celebrations and frustrations- and hopefully a healthy pregnancy for me and prayerfully for you soon. Finally, for now, I am going to keep the title of my blog. I feel like it's pretty encompassing.
********************************
**pregnancy mentioned**
Over the past several days I have realized that I seriously might have this baby. I know that some of you think, "Well, duh!" but I have RPL brain. It's also the RPL brain that makes me want to keep pushing back the date to tell people about my pregnancy.
At first I was going to tell people at 13 or 13-1/2 weeks. Now that I am so close to the 'designated week' I am thinking, weeeell... maybe another week. I know it's because I am afraid as soon as I share my good news that I will jinx everything and will then be followed by going into the crapper. Another part of me thinks, I've waited this long, why bother? They'll figure it out eventually, right? I could just tell them all I am getting fat- which will technically be true.
I have also allowed myself to read more and more about pregnancy and labor over the last two weeks. I have to admit, labor intimidates me to to no end. I think that a major reason why is that I would like to have a natural childbirth. C-sections aren't for me. With epidurals- all I can think is you want to put that into my spinal fluid? And then you want me to just lay there? Induction? No, no, no- not for me thanks. I know... a little silly saying all that while saying yes to the pain of natural childbirth. You are all thinking (while twirling your index finger around you temple) "Crazy woman! This is what appeals to you out of all your options? Seriously?"
What can I say? I am a masochist.
However, there are two highly intimidating factors for me.
1) I know no one who has gone through natural childbirth. So I can't ask questions and be given honest, genuine answers. Everyone I know got an epidural or was induced then got and epidural, or had a c-section either due to choice or necessity. Now I realize that anything can happen but I think that I would really like to prepare for a natural birth. My ideal would be to have water birth in a birthing center or at home and L will never, ever, EVER go for it since we have discussed it. So that ain't happenin'... Not to mention because of the blood thinners I am on I think that I would be considered too high risk.
2) The fertility issues and all of my miscarriages have really taken the confidence I have in body down to nil. I am not sure how to get that back or if I even can. I just don't trust my body anymore to do what it should without feeling highly skeptical or thinking I will need medical intervention.
For these reasons, I have started to look into doula services and have found some encouraging information. I am just hoping that the medical world of the west is willing to indulge me.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Interns
I will try to make this short, but it was very frustrating and irritating experience for me.
At my work we have interns. Obviously, they are there to learn and grow in our, their, profession. Our field is the social services sector. We are clinicians, therapists, parent aides. We work with families who are involved with children services in some form or another. I particularly work with foster children. I write big long reports about their families and make recommendations on placements and what the parents should have to do in order to get the child back in their care. It's odd hours, sometimes long days, mean people, and not very pretty stories.
These interns are working 24 hours a week. I gave my intern, who is one year older than me, a deadline to meet. Why? Because I have a deadline to meet. When the intern didn't finish it on time, I sent a professional email inquiring about it and asking for it to be in my email box by a specific day and time. Again. What I asked this intern to do, should not have taken any longer than 1-1/2 (for first timers) hours- absolute tops. Once you have the info- which the intern did- it's fill in the blank. It's not difficult. I even took time to speak briefly about the sections with this intern and where s/he would locate the information.
Now, I have realized through my deductive reasoning skills that this intern does not check his/her email everyday or they just ignore my email- either way- not good. So I call this morning to make sure it gets checked- it's 8:40am. Instead of having a reasonable conversation I end up playing therapist. Overall, I end up feeling like I am the one getting chewed out and I am trying to calm this person down. Me. Myself. I am the clinician. What the hell?? The response was basically, "I said I 'might' be able to get it done." Excuse me? Might? Then this intern went on to say, "I am not prioritizing anymore... what gets done in 24 hours gets done." I am sorry, what? I don't understand. Seriously. I. Don't. Get. It.
So I spoke with my supervisor and told her my concerns and issues. What was said and how I tentatively 'resolved' the situation. Which wasn't really at all, I ended up taking the section because I was tired of waiting. This intern was 'really busy' with other pressing issues- like the 4 days s/he was taking off next week (which this intern had JUST told me). This intern "can't be expected to get this all done." Don't get me started about this other report we are to be working on... but I digress... My supervisor pretty much agreed that the assignment was one of the easiest parts to complete and flat out told me that she hadn't given this particular intern that much to do. Which leads to one conclusion...
Poor time management. All I can think is- if this paperwork is overwhelming you better not EVER work for a community agency. Talk about paperwork and deadlines.
Maybe my expectations are a little high, and please if I am wrong someone out there let me know, but no matter the number of hours you are working an internship is a J-O-B. This is also a time where there is a learning curse (so things take longer) and shouldn't you want to impress those you work with? When you have a deadline, you get it done. If you don't know how to- start asking questions. If questions aren't being answered- then you ask more loudly until you have someones attention. If you can't get it done for whatever reason, you pick up the phone and call the person. You don't just leave them sitting there twiddling their thumbs right?
***side note- in all my emails and face to face's with all the interns I always tell them to feel free to email, call me, ask me whatever questions they have***
I have to say if s/he willing to act like that with me, and I will put this on a peer-to-peer level, what will he be like with clients when he is overwhelmed (which this intern insisted was not the case)? What will s/he be like with peers in a 'real' work place? Can this intern handle being a clinician? A therapist? What will s/he be like with the supervisees if this intern ever becomes a supervisor? If this intern isn't willing to do a little more self reflection about her/his attitudes, behaviors, and mannerisms- then I am very, very concerned about their future role in this profession.
Seriously, anyone? Am I crazy for expecting it to be done? Are my expectations too high? I am just completely baffled by this interns response here...
At my work we have interns. Obviously, they are there to learn and grow in our, their, profession. Our field is the social services sector. We are clinicians, therapists, parent aides. We work with families who are involved with children services in some form or another. I particularly work with foster children. I write big long reports about their families and make recommendations on placements and what the parents should have to do in order to get the child back in their care. It's odd hours, sometimes long days, mean people, and not very pretty stories.
These interns are working 24 hours a week. I gave my intern, who is one year older than me, a deadline to meet. Why? Because I have a deadline to meet. When the intern didn't finish it on time, I sent a professional email inquiring about it and asking for it to be in my email box by a specific day and time. Again. What I asked this intern to do, should not have taken any longer than 1-1/2 (for first timers) hours- absolute tops. Once you have the info- which the intern did- it's fill in the blank. It's not difficult. I even took time to speak briefly about the sections with this intern and where s/he would locate the information.
Now, I have realized through my deductive reasoning skills that this intern does not check his/her email everyday or they just ignore my email- either way- not good. So I call this morning to make sure it gets checked- it's 8:40am. Instead of having a reasonable conversation I end up playing therapist. Overall, I end up feeling like I am the one getting chewed out and I am trying to calm this person down. Me. Myself. I am the clinician. What the hell?? The response was basically, "I said I 'might' be able to get it done." Excuse me? Might? Then this intern went on to say, "I am not prioritizing anymore... what gets done in 24 hours gets done." I am sorry, what? I don't understand. Seriously. I. Don't. Get. It.
So I spoke with my supervisor and told her my concerns and issues. What was said and how I tentatively 'resolved' the situation. Which wasn't really at all, I ended up taking the section because I was tired of waiting. This intern was 'really busy' with other pressing issues- like the 4 days s/he was taking off next week (which this intern had JUST told me). This intern "can't be expected to get this all done." Don't get me started about this other report we are to be working on... but I digress... My supervisor pretty much agreed that the assignment was one of the easiest parts to complete and flat out told me that she hadn't given this particular intern that much to do. Which leads to one conclusion...
Poor time management. All I can think is- if this paperwork is overwhelming you better not EVER work for a community agency. Talk about paperwork and deadlines.
Maybe my expectations are a little high, and please if I am wrong someone out there let me know, but no matter the number of hours you are working an internship is a J-O-B. This is also a time where there is a learning curse (so things take longer) and shouldn't you want to impress those you work with? When you have a deadline, you get it done. If you don't know how to- start asking questions. If questions aren't being answered- then you ask more loudly until you have someones attention. If you can't get it done for whatever reason, you pick up the phone and call the person. You don't just leave them sitting there twiddling their thumbs right?
***side note- in all my emails and face to face's with all the interns I always tell them to feel free to email, call me, ask me whatever questions they have***
I have to say if s/he willing to act like that with me, and I will put this on a peer-to-peer level, what will he be like with clients when he is overwhelmed (which this intern insisted was not the case)? What will s/he be like with peers in a 'real' work place? Can this intern handle being a clinician? A therapist? What will s/he be like with the supervisees if this intern ever becomes a supervisor? If this intern isn't willing to do a little more self reflection about her/his attitudes, behaviors, and mannerisms- then I am very, very concerned about their future role in this profession.
Seriously, anyone? Am I crazy for expecting it to be done? Are my expectations too high? I am just completely baffled by this interns response here...
Monday, October 22, 2007
Feeling A Little Guilty
I have to honest... I have been feeling a little guilty lately.
I recognize and fully acknowledge that when I entered this blogshere, I came in under the guise of "Challenged in the area of Fertility". I only started blogging a short while ago about my trials of fertility issues and RPL. Yet, here I am, only a couple months since and I am able to post about what appears to be my first healthy pregnancy.
I have noticed over the past month or so that the same people are no longer posting responses. Which leads me to believe that they are no longer reading. I like to think that it's because it has become too painful for them or too difficult to watch "yet one more woman get what I have been working for" and not that ill will is being wished upon me. Which, sadly, I can completely and truly understand. Seriously, although I am not proud of it, I have done similar things. In this situation though there is a darker side of me that wonders, "Are they not reading because they don't think that I am worthy of a healthy pregnancy? That I haven't had enough trials?"
I do feel that I have "earned my badge" and a healthy pregnancy. Not that it's something one "earns"- but you know what I mean. I think that's it's more about that I am afraid you, those of you that read or browse my blog, believe that I haven't earned one because you haven't been there the whole time I have worked through this.
Another part of me questions if I should keep blogging about my pregnancy or blog about other things? Should I change the title of my blog? I don't want people to think or feel that I am rubbing it in their face. I am not trying to pass you some more salt for your wound. That being said though, this is my blog. I should be able to freely express my worries, sadness, frustrations, and celebrations. There are already some serious questions that I am being asked about by others and if life has taught me anything it's that anything can happen at any time.
Rest assured my therapist brain tells me this is more about me coming to terms with my new situation than about you, my readers. While I am not sure where to go from here, I hope to figure it out.
I recognize and fully acknowledge that when I entered this blogshere, I came in under the guise of "Challenged in the area of Fertility". I only started blogging a short while ago about my trials of fertility issues and RPL. Yet, here I am, only a couple months since and I am able to post about what appears to be my first healthy pregnancy.
I have noticed over the past month or so that the same people are no longer posting responses. Which leads me to believe that they are no longer reading. I like to think that it's because it has become too painful for them or too difficult to watch "yet one more woman get what I have been working for" and not that ill will is being wished upon me. Which, sadly, I can completely and truly understand. Seriously, although I am not proud of it, I have done similar things. In this situation though there is a darker side of me that wonders, "Are they not reading because they don't think that I am worthy of a healthy pregnancy? That I haven't had enough trials?"
I do feel that I have "earned my badge" and a healthy pregnancy. Not that it's something one "earns"- but you know what I mean. I think that's it's more about that I am afraid you, those of you that read or browse my blog, believe that I haven't earned one because you haven't been there the whole time I have worked through this.
Another part of me questions if I should keep blogging about my pregnancy or blog about other things? Should I change the title of my blog? I don't want people to think or feel that I am rubbing it in their face. I am not trying to pass you some more salt for your wound. That being said though, this is my blog. I should be able to freely express my worries, sadness, frustrations, and celebrations. There are already some serious questions that I am being asked about by others and if life has taught me anything it's that anything can happen at any time.
Rest assured my therapist brain tells me this is more about me coming to terms with my new situation than about you, my readers. While I am not sure where to go from here, I hope to figure it out.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Closing In On The Finish Line
**pregnancy mentioned**
As I have been coming up on the 12th week of my pregnancy I have started to feel the pressure of it all.
And fearing the other shoe will drop.
We actually have a chance at having a baby. What a gift. What an intimidating gift.
We have been going at this for a while, not as long as some of you out there, but two years next month. And we might actually reach the finish line. These are no longer just images in my head. It might be a reality.
I’ve started to look closely at our finances. Scary. What were we thinking? Did we really think that we could afford a baby? To be honest, we could have… before paying for the last 2 IVIg treatments. Now our bank accounts are empty and we weren’t saving a lot of money before.
I am scared. I am scared that we have gone about all of this all wrong and we are going to be punished somehow. I realize this goes against how I view God but… feelings are irrational, what can I say?
Do I stay at my current job? Do I apply for that full time salary position? How long am I willing to work 40 hours a week? Do I give up my contracting job completely? How are we going to pay for daycare? How do you find a daycare? How are we going to save enough money so I can stay home for the first 3 months? Is this really going to be our sticky pregnancy? Will I even make it to the 'safe zone' of 13 weeks? Is all this worry really for nothing?
I am overwhelming myself with questions.
Earlier today, at Stirrup Queens, I said that I would like the super power of clarity- I would be Clarity Girl. I would bring clarity to anyone who searched for it and wanted it. I would help people find the path they were supposed to go down- the one that would bring them the most peace. Where’s my clarity now?
As I have been coming up on the 12th week of my pregnancy I have started to feel the pressure of it all.
And fearing the other shoe will drop.
We actually have a chance at having a baby. What a gift. What an intimidating gift.
We have been going at this for a while, not as long as some of you out there, but two years next month. And we might actually reach the finish line. These are no longer just images in my head. It might be a reality.
I’ve started to look closely at our finances. Scary. What were we thinking? Did we really think that we could afford a baby? To be honest, we could have… before paying for the last 2 IVIg treatments. Now our bank accounts are empty and we weren’t saving a lot of money before.
I am scared. I am scared that we have gone about all of this all wrong and we are going to be punished somehow. I realize this goes against how I view God but… feelings are irrational, what can I say?
Do I stay at my current job? Do I apply for that full time salary position? How long am I willing to work 40 hours a week? Do I give up my contracting job completely? How are we going to pay for daycare? How do you find a daycare? How are we going to save enough money so I can stay home for the first 3 months? Is this really going to be our sticky pregnancy? Will I even make it to the 'safe zone' of 13 weeks? Is all this worry really for nothing?
I am overwhelming myself with questions.
Earlier today, at Stirrup Queens, I said that I would like the super power of clarity- I would be Clarity Girl. I would bring clarity to anyone who searched for it and wanted it. I would help people find the path they were supposed to go down- the one that would bring them the most peace. Where’s my clarity now?
Monday, October 15, 2007
National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
I remember when I lost my 3rd pregnancy, I had no idea what to do. I didn't know how to honor the little lives that I had lost- those little feet had left such a big imprint on me. I decided to honor them the way I tried to honor my mom, I got a car magnet.
When I first got this pink and blue ribbon I just cried and cried... on the ribbon it simply said "We Remember."
And we do, everyday.
To my five angels in heaven... I think of you everyday and I will always remember you.
I remember when I lost my 3rd pregnancy, I had no idea what to do. I didn't know how to honor the little lives that I had lost- those little feet had left such a big imprint on me. I decided to honor them the way I tried to honor my mom, I got a car magnet.
When I first got this pink and blue ribbon I just cried and cried... on the ribbon it simply said "We Remember."
And we do, everyday.
To my five angels in heaven... I think of you everyday and I will always remember you.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
First Personal Experience With God: Suddenly Gone
As I said in a previous post, I will share two experiences as to why I believe in God. My God that is. It might not look the same as yours. That being said, here is my first experience.
I grew up in a very small town in the Midwest. We only had one full traffic light and two blinking ones. We got the second full traffic light when I was in high school. Our high school had a total of 500 kids, 110 people graduate in my senior class.
When I was in the 5th grade all the people I was friends with decided to split of into cliques. I never really felt like I belonged to any clique. I was pretty constant friends with a small group of girls but even with them I never really belonged.
However, as we split off into groups and cliques, there were some that I remained acquaintances with because we had always had choir class together. This went on from 7th grade through high school. When I reached 1oth grade one of the acquaintances dropped chorus but we would still talk once in a while during English class when we were seniors. We also went to Close- Up (a trip to Wachingto D.C for Jr's and Sr's) together.
One day I got called down to the office because of a detention I got (please people, I was late for class 3 times- this was the worst thing I had done in high school!)
While I was waiting to get called in to the v. principals office, I saw my acquaintance crying along with another one of my estranged friends, who was trying to comfort her. I kept looking at her and wanting to say that it would be alright, no matter what it was. I wanted to give her a hug, she was so sad and upset. But we weren't really friends and it seemed like such a personal moment. I sat glued to my seat and just kept looking over wanting to say something or I just averted my eyes to the floor. I never said anything.
About a month later, I had an awful dream that she was killed. I turned around in English class to tell her about it- and tell her to be careful. And I thought to myself, "What? You just can't blurt that out to someone!" I also wanted to tell her that I hoped that things were better. Again, my butt stayed glued to the seat and I didn't say anything.
Several weeks later she was killed in a car accident. It was devastating and a shock to our small school. She was one of 3 people killed that night, the other two were earlier graduates from our high school as well. And sadly, another graduate had recently committed suicide about a week or two prior. This was a small community- all the senior class left school that day as well as part of the Jr. class.
The funeral came and went- the church was so full that at least 75+ people had to stand. It was November when that happened. How awful for her family right before the holidays. How awful for her family period. All her close friends...
During the holidays all I could do was cry at night, while laying in my bed. I kept thinking about her family- about how I should have taken the opportunities that presented themselves to me. I didn't. I never thought that I could have prevented the accident but... I should have offered a kind word when I had the chance.
One night while laying n my bed, staring at the Christmas lights around my window I sobbed and sobbed to God. "Why did you take her?... There was still so much life she had to live... This doesn't make any sense... Why would you do this to her family? How do we know she is okay?" I just cried these words over and over... finally I sobbed, "Please let me know that she is alright, that she is okay... Let me know that you are really here with me- with us. I need some comfort, please..."
Seconds after saying that, I got a calming chill all through my body- Like someone placed a hand on me. I instantly knew that everything was alright. Things were going to be just fine- they were still going to be hard, but I would be okay. I stopped crying and I was able to fall asleep. In my dream that night, she was standing there, in front of me in one of her cute outfits, from a picture that I had of her from our last Close-Up trip. She was smiling and said to me, "I am alright, you have no reason to worry. I really am okay." What I remember most is her looking happy, content, and peaceful.
Her death inspired me to not be so afraid to talk with people and I became a bit more extroverted with those in my classes who I had never been friends with. It also helped me take a few more chances in life- like picking up and moving to another state.
This was my first personal experience with God and why I am convinced that my God is with me... with us.
I grew up in a very small town in the Midwest. We only had one full traffic light and two blinking ones. We got the second full traffic light when I was in high school. Our high school had a total of 500 kids, 110 people graduate in my senior class.
When I was in the 5th grade all the people I was friends with decided to split of into cliques. I never really felt like I belonged to any clique. I was pretty constant friends with a small group of girls but even with them I never really belonged.
However, as we split off into groups and cliques, there were some that I remained acquaintances with because we had always had choir class together. This went on from 7th grade through high school. When I reached 1oth grade one of the acquaintances dropped chorus but we would still talk once in a while during English class when we were seniors. We also went to Close- Up (a trip to Wachingto D.C for Jr's and Sr's) together.
One day I got called down to the office because of a detention I got (please people, I was late for class 3 times- this was the worst thing I had done in high school!)
While I was waiting to get called in to the v. principals office, I saw my acquaintance crying along with another one of my estranged friends, who was trying to comfort her. I kept looking at her and wanting to say that it would be alright, no matter what it was. I wanted to give her a hug, she was so sad and upset. But we weren't really friends and it seemed like such a personal moment. I sat glued to my seat and just kept looking over wanting to say something or I just averted my eyes to the floor. I never said anything.
About a month later, I had an awful dream that she was killed. I turned around in English class to tell her about it- and tell her to be careful. And I thought to myself, "What? You just can't blurt that out to someone!" I also wanted to tell her that I hoped that things were better. Again, my butt stayed glued to the seat and I didn't say anything.
Several weeks later she was killed in a car accident. It was devastating and a shock to our small school. She was one of 3 people killed that night, the other two were earlier graduates from our high school as well. And sadly, another graduate had recently committed suicide about a week or two prior. This was a small community- all the senior class left school that day as well as part of the Jr. class.
The funeral came and went- the church was so full that at least 75+ people had to stand. It was November when that happened. How awful for her family right before the holidays. How awful for her family period. All her close friends...
During the holidays all I could do was cry at night, while laying in my bed. I kept thinking about her family- about how I should have taken the opportunities that presented themselves to me. I didn't. I never thought that I could have prevented the accident but... I should have offered a kind word when I had the chance.
One night while laying n my bed, staring at the Christmas lights around my window I sobbed and sobbed to God. "Why did you take her?... There was still so much life she had to live... This doesn't make any sense... Why would you do this to her family? How do we know she is okay?" I just cried these words over and over... finally I sobbed, "Please let me know that she is alright, that she is okay... Let me know that you are really here with me- with us. I need some comfort, please..."
Seconds after saying that, I got a calming chill all through my body- Like someone placed a hand on me. I instantly knew that everything was alright. Things were going to be just fine- they were still going to be hard, but I would be okay. I stopped crying and I was able to fall asleep. In my dream that night, she was standing there, in front of me in one of her cute outfits, from a picture that I had of her from our last Close-Up trip. She was smiling and said to me, "I am alright, you have no reason to worry. I really am okay." What I remember most is her looking happy, content, and peaceful.
Her death inspired me to not be so afraid to talk with people and I became a bit more extroverted with those in my classes who I had never been friends with. It also helped me take a few more chances in life- like picking up and moving to another state.
This was my first personal experience with God and why I am convinced that my God is with me... with us.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Whew!
**pregnancy mentioned**
I have been sweating the last week as all my symptoms have started to tapper off. Which I realize is very typical for this part of the trimester but in my world- it's never a good sign.
So I called my Ob's office and they agreed to let me come in today.
Let me first say I love my Ob, Dr. C. Love her, love her, love her. Did I mention that I love her? We found out yesterday that our insurance will only cover a very small portion of our u/s at the RE's office because we are now pregnant- so they are all considered "pregnancy u/s" from this point on. We told her what the insurance was doing... she didn't charge us for today's u/s, only the visit! How much does she rock???!
Little baby is growing well, lots of movement. We were 10w4d and the hb was 182. Dr. C said it was on the high side of average but thought it was mostly due to "mom's epinephrine". What can I say? I was nervous! She said that we could come in for a weekly u/s if we wanted, to help ease our anxiety. It seems a little much- so maybe every 10 days ;) Still waiting on the c- word but...
Whew! Is my word of the day. I hope little baby keeps growing!!
I have been sweating the last week as all my symptoms have started to tapper off. Which I realize is very typical for this part of the trimester but in my world- it's never a good sign.
So I called my Ob's office and they agreed to let me come in today.
Let me first say I love my Ob, Dr. C. Love her, love her, love her. Did I mention that I love her? We found out yesterday that our insurance will only cover a very small portion of our u/s at the RE's office because we are now pregnant- so they are all considered "pregnancy u/s" from this point on. We told her what the insurance was doing... she didn't charge us for today's u/s, only the visit! How much does she rock???!
Little baby is growing well, lots of movement. We were 10w4d and the hb was 182. Dr. C said it was on the high side of average but thought it was mostly due to "mom's epinephrine". What can I say? I was nervous! She said that we could come in for a weekly u/s if we wanted, to help ease our anxiety. It seems a little much- so maybe every 10 days ;) Still waiting on the c- word but...
Whew! Is my word of the day. I hope little baby keeps growing!!
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Nature v. Nurture... Or Both?
Mel, at the Stirrup Queens, brought up an interesting question. Are the choices or paths we make, as it relates to fertility, predetermined... nature v. nurture.
Well, I have thought about this. A lot through my education, training, and well, just my life. I think it all boils down to one idea or thought. It's a combination of both.
First, I would like to say that copulation and reproduction are natural instincts. I believe that these are primal needs. These drives are in the ever so primitive parts of our brain, making them innate. As our brains develop, certain hormones stimulate certain parts of the brain. Even as we get older, some parts of the brain lose specific hormones and chemicals which can change our thinking and our perceptions. Case in point, menopause and bi-polar disorder. I think this is the nature part.
The nurture part comes in from what you are taught as you grow as a person. I believe the experiences will push people one way or another. While predisposed to a certain characteristic, mannerism, or lifestyle a simple experience or recurring situation can change it all.
If a couple decides they want children, the obvious and most economical choice is to have your own (I hear that this can really happen!). As you go along on the journey and it turns out it's not as simple as it once appeared, those experiences either reinforce what you originally believed or they have made you question it, or question it to the point that you change your mind. Some people are taught to follow their gut instincts. Or maybe to risk it all no matter the cost. They were taught through their life experiences that their gut usually led them down the right path or that risks, at any cost, is a worth while cause. While there are others who experienced risks and it didn't work out. Or it made them so uncomfortable they had difficulty relaxing, making the risk worthless to them in the end because they weren't able to enjoy the ride.
Our life experiences shape us, change us, alter us, and sometimes it helps us find our path. No matter what the path is for you (or me) it's important that you are accepting of the choices you made, and make, while on it. Otherwise, it makes the journey unhappy and regretful.
Well, I have thought about this. A lot through my education, training, and well, just my life. I think it all boils down to one idea or thought. It's a combination of both.
First, I would like to say that copulation and reproduction are natural instincts. I believe that these are primal needs. These drives are in the ever so primitive parts of our brain, making them innate. As our brains develop, certain hormones stimulate certain parts of the brain. Even as we get older, some parts of the brain lose specific hormones and chemicals which can change our thinking and our perceptions. Case in point, menopause and bi-polar disorder. I think this is the nature part.
The nurture part comes in from what you are taught as you grow as a person. I believe the experiences will push people one way or another. While predisposed to a certain characteristic, mannerism, or lifestyle a simple experience or recurring situation can change it all.
If a couple decides they want children, the obvious and most economical choice is to have your own (I hear that this can really happen!). As you go along on the journey and it turns out it's not as simple as it once appeared, those experiences either reinforce what you originally believed or they have made you question it, or question it to the point that you change your mind. Some people are taught to follow their gut instincts. Or maybe to risk it all no matter the cost. They were taught through their life experiences that their gut usually led them down the right path or that risks, at any cost, is a worth while cause. While there are others who experienced risks and it didn't work out. Or it made them so uncomfortable they had difficulty relaxing, making the risk worthless to them in the end because they weren't able to enjoy the ride.
Our life experiences shape us, change us, alter us, and sometimes it helps us find our path. No matter what the path is for you (or me) it's important that you are accepting of the choices you made, and make, while on it. Otherwise, it makes the journey unhappy and regretful.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
8 Not-So-Interesting Things About Me
My list will be titled 8 not-so-interesting things about me, sorry R&R! I just don’t consider myself an interesting person- but it's fun and I am glad you tagged me :)
1. I love to sing. I started asking my mom for voice lessons when I was in the 6 or 7th grade but she kept saying no. In my 8th grade choir class the ‘graduating’ 8th graders were to do a solo, I sang “Think of Me” from Phantom of the Opera. After receiving a standing ovation, my mom finally agreed to let me take lessons. I took them for 4 years. It’s the only moment in my life where I can say I was truly proud of myself.
2. I met my husband-to-be about 3 hours after I broke up with my last boyfriend (of course I didn't know he would be my last boyfriend then!)
3. Once I scrape food off a plate and it’s ready to be pushed down into the garbage disposal, it freaks me out to touch with my hands. I realize this is the exact same food I put in my mouth, umm… 5 minutes ago, but somehow it has changed as it went from the table to the sink. What’s that about?
4. From the time I was in the 8th grade I always said that I wanted to be a counselor, a therapist. Now that I am here, have passed my licensure exam, and am working on my full certification- I am not sure I want to be a therapist. I am 29 years old, have a Master’s degree (and the loans to show for it) and don’t know where I want my life to go or look like. Well, I know in the depths of my heart and soul I want to be a mom but that’s about it.
5. As I read other blogs, I think of how articulate the people sound. How well they write and wish that I could be so. Why can’t I sound like that? But I write like I speak. As I posted to someone else, I don’t really consider myself a ‘brainy’ person, I am people person. I know people and I am good at reading in between the lines. Most of the time. But I still wish I could sound 'brainy'!
6. My favorite cartoon is ‘Animaniacs.’ My favorite episode, to this day, is where they go to visit Satan in Hell- they are so mean and sarcastic to him. They also had this great segment called ‘Good Idea, Bad Idea’… just thinking about it makes me laugh! Ahhh, good times, good times…
7. I don't like being out in large bodies of water far away from the shore-even if I can stand. I am okay if I am in a motorized boat though. There is something about it that just freaks me out and I become very unsettled. At the same time I don't like going underwater if I am in a pool by myself. Completely irrational but- I worry that something will keep me under the water and I will drown.
8. I grew up in the Midwest. I was going to college in a place where the people came from wealthy families, and spent lots of money. I noticed my Sophomore year that my values were changing. I didn’t like it. So I decided to move to the South because my family drove through a particular state one time and I thought it was pretty. So I applied to two schools in the state, got into both, picked one, and moved. People thought I was crazy because I knew no one at all. I didn't think it was a big deal. Still don’t really get it to this day. Best move I ever made though, I met some truly fabulous people!
For some reason this post reminds me of an episode in Sex In the City, where they all talk about their secret single behaviors. Anyone else think so? It seems the blogs I have read have already done this- guess I need to start expanding again! But I will tag JJ (at Reproductive Jeans) I haven't seen something like this on her blog so... Tag your it, no tag backs!
1. I love to sing. I started asking my mom for voice lessons when I was in the 6 or 7th grade but she kept saying no. In my 8th grade choir class the ‘graduating’ 8th graders were to do a solo, I sang “Think of Me” from Phantom of the Opera. After receiving a standing ovation, my mom finally agreed to let me take lessons. I took them for 4 years. It’s the only moment in my life where I can say I was truly proud of myself.
2. I met my husband-to-be about 3 hours after I broke up with my last boyfriend (of course I didn't know he would be my last boyfriend then!)
3. Once I scrape food off a plate and it’s ready to be pushed down into the garbage disposal, it freaks me out to touch with my hands. I realize this is the exact same food I put in my mouth, umm… 5 minutes ago, but somehow it has changed as it went from the table to the sink. What’s that about?
4. From the time I was in the 8th grade I always said that I wanted to be a counselor, a therapist. Now that I am here, have passed my licensure exam, and am working on my full certification- I am not sure I want to be a therapist. I am 29 years old, have a Master’s degree (and the loans to show for it) and don’t know where I want my life to go or look like. Well, I know in the depths of my heart and soul I want to be a mom but that’s about it.
5. As I read other blogs, I think of how articulate the people sound. How well they write and wish that I could be so. Why can’t I sound like that? But I write like I speak. As I posted to someone else, I don’t really consider myself a ‘brainy’ person, I am people person. I know people and I am good at reading in between the lines. Most of the time. But I still wish I could sound 'brainy'!
6. My favorite cartoon is ‘Animaniacs.’ My favorite episode, to this day, is where they go to visit Satan in Hell- they are so mean and sarcastic to him. They also had this great segment called ‘Good Idea, Bad Idea’… just thinking about it makes me laugh! Ahhh, good times, good times…
7. I don't like being out in large bodies of water far away from the shore-even if I can stand. I am okay if I am in a motorized boat though. There is something about it that just freaks me out and I become very unsettled. At the same time I don't like going underwater if I am in a pool by myself. Completely irrational but- I worry that something will keep me under the water and I will drown.
8. I grew up in the Midwest. I was going to college in a place where the people came from wealthy families, and spent lots of money. I noticed my Sophomore year that my values were changing. I didn’t like it. So I decided to move to the South because my family drove through a particular state one time and I thought it was pretty. So I applied to two schools in the state, got into both, picked one, and moved. People thought I was crazy because I knew no one at all. I didn't think it was a big deal. Still don’t really get it to this day. Best move I ever made though, I met some truly fabulous people!
For some reason this post reminds me of an episode in Sex In the City, where they all talk about their secret single behaviors. Anyone else think so? It seems the blogs I have read have already done this- guess I need to start expanding again! But I will tag JJ (at Reproductive Jeans) I haven't seen something like this on her blog so... Tag your it, no tag backs!
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Me And My God
***Caution- Touchy subject! It’s my blog though so I can do what I want***
So there are people in the IF’sphere, well, my IF’shere, that are in an uproar about what a poster said to one of my fellow IF’ers/ RPL sisters. The post is over at The Sticky Bean Preconception Journal if you are wondering.
An anonymous poster suggested, well pretty much said, that people were punished until they were humbled enough by God. Specifically, in this case, infertiles or RPL’ers.
Let me first say that I did not grow up in the church and that all of my ‘God learning experiences’ came from going to a YMCA camp for 3 months every summer from the age of 8 until I was 20. Don’t worry I went there as a camper (until the age of 15) and then worked there. There are also two very personal experiences, that I will share in later blogs, as to why I believe in God and his presence.
I don’t believe that God punishes people. It’s just not in my definition of God. I think that God loves us and wants us all to be happy or at least content. Some days it’s just seriously difficult to believe and remember that.
Many times throughout this process I have yelled at God, screamed why at Him, and cried many, many tears with Him. In the end of it all none of it mattered 1) Because I cannot control this and 2) God is large person, he take it. I can turn my back, pout in the corner like a 2- year old but it will not change… things are the way they are. Sometimes there are reasons, sometimes there aren’t. You have to careful if you assign a ‘reason’ to an action. Reason can lead to blame. And blame never leads to anything good.
I believe that there is too much to learn in this life in just one trip. Do I call it reincarnation? Past lives? I am not sure. There are just too many experiences to go through in just a mere 85 years- if we are lucky enough to be in a very healthly body that long.
In my opinion, I think that certain experiences are meant to give us a different perspective. A new view point. A way to learn something if we can. It’s there to help us grow if we can withstand it.
I like to think that the last 3 years of my life God has been trying to teach me to let go. Be patient. Flow with the waves of life. Be in the moment because it’s all we have. Stop thinking forward. Learn to accept. Things don’t always need changing. Some things just are. Learn to trust the process.
I am a slow, slow learner. I am stubborn, bullheaded, and a control freak to boot. Too bad for God… but lucky for me He has the patience of a saint.
So there are people in the IF’sphere, well, my IF’shere, that are in an uproar about what a poster said to one of my fellow IF’ers/ RPL sisters. The post is over at The Sticky Bean Preconception Journal if you are wondering.
An anonymous poster suggested, well pretty much said, that people were punished until they were humbled enough by God. Specifically, in this case, infertiles or RPL’ers.
Let me first say that I did not grow up in the church and that all of my ‘God learning experiences’ came from going to a YMCA camp for 3 months every summer from the age of 8 until I was 20. Don’t worry I went there as a camper (until the age of 15) and then worked there. There are also two very personal experiences, that I will share in later blogs, as to why I believe in God and his presence.
I don’t believe that God punishes people. It’s just not in my definition of God. I think that God loves us and wants us all to be happy or at least content. Some days it’s just seriously difficult to believe and remember that.
Many times throughout this process I have yelled at God, screamed why at Him, and cried many, many tears with Him. In the end of it all none of it mattered 1) Because I cannot control this and 2) God is large person, he take it. I can turn my back, pout in the corner like a 2- year old but it will not change… things are the way they are. Sometimes there are reasons, sometimes there aren’t. You have to careful if you assign a ‘reason’ to an action. Reason can lead to blame. And blame never leads to anything good.
I believe that there is too much to learn in this life in just one trip. Do I call it reincarnation? Past lives? I am not sure. There are just too many experiences to go through in just a mere 85 years- if we are lucky enough to be in a very healthly body that long.
In my opinion, I think that certain experiences are meant to give us a different perspective. A new view point. A way to learn something if we can. It’s there to help us grow if we can withstand it.
I like to think that the last 3 years of my life God has been trying to teach me to let go. Be patient. Flow with the waves of life. Be in the moment because it’s all we have. Stop thinking forward. Learn to accept. Things don’t always need changing. Some things just are. Learn to trust the process.
I am a slow, slow learner. I am stubborn, bullheaded, and a control freak to boot. Too bad for God… but lucky for me He has the patience of a saint.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
As Life Washes Over Us
Niobe, over at Dead Baby Jokes, talked about her happiness challenge. When she was pregnant with twins she would watch TV to escape the physical pains of pregnancy. However, she unfairly and sadly, lost both of her babies. While wadding through her grief she found she could no longer enjoy watching TV. The memories it brought back were just too painful. Her happiness challenge was to watch TV again... a major accomplishment for her. Congrats Niobe!
In the professional conference I was at last week we talked about how "life washes over people." In my mind it's a great comparison. Life does wash over us like the ocean. It claims things and people that we love. Things we don't want to let go of. It can act as a major catalyst for changes we don't want- and sometimes what we do. It pushes us around and reminds us that we are not in control- no matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise.
My life has been washing over me since the day I found out my mom was sick. The good Lord knows how hard I fought, how I struggled to maintain what control I had (which was none), and how I feared my mom would leave me before I could tell her and show her how much I loved her. For the longest time I couldn't quilt, cross stitch, or play the piano. The first two were hobbies my mom had taught me and she loved to hear my siblings and I play the piano.
Many of us are taught to stand strong against opposition, push back. Stay firm in our convictions. The other morning, while driving to the u/s, I was thinking about all of this. What would happen if instead of standing strong against the tides of life, I floated with it? What if I was using all my energy fighting against or for something that wasn't to be mine in the first place? As life washes over us, if we float with the waves, maybe it will take us to where we were always meant to be. Furthermore, what if by doing this we were able to get back some of what life took from us?
It wasn't until a year ago that I could do any of those three things I talked about earlier without crying uncontrollably or feeling the pain of her death. I was slowly able to bring them back to the surface and find joy in them again. As your life has washed over you, what was lost that you would like to bring back?
In the professional conference I was at last week we talked about how "life washes over people." In my mind it's a great comparison. Life does wash over us like the ocean. It claims things and people that we love. Things we don't want to let go of. It can act as a major catalyst for changes we don't want- and sometimes what we do. It pushes us around and reminds us that we are not in control- no matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise.
My life has been washing over me since the day I found out my mom was sick. The good Lord knows how hard I fought, how I struggled to maintain what control I had (which was none), and how I feared my mom would leave me before I could tell her and show her how much I loved her. For the longest time I couldn't quilt, cross stitch, or play the piano. The first two were hobbies my mom had taught me and she loved to hear my siblings and I play the piano.
Many of us are taught to stand strong against opposition, push back. Stay firm in our convictions. The other morning, while driving to the u/s, I was thinking about all of this. What would happen if instead of standing strong against the tides of life, I floated with it? What if I was using all my energy fighting against or for something that wasn't to be mine in the first place? As life washes over us, if we float with the waves, maybe it will take us to where we were always meant to be. Furthermore, what if by doing this we were able to get back some of what life took from us?
It wasn't until a year ago that I could do any of those three things I talked about earlier without crying uncontrollably or feeling the pain of her death. I was slowly able to bring them back to the surface and find joy in them again. As your life has washed over you, what was lost that you would like to bring back?
Monday, October 01, 2007
Hope Floats
(pregnancy mentioned)
That's right, I get to talk about my pregnancy, not a miscarriage.
I feel like a 7 year-old who just back from the zoo for the first time. Our u/s went great today... I was so happy I cried. Last night I was convinced that my pregnancy was over and went to bed crying. Woke up and 2:40 am and cried for another 2 hours. Even on the way to the u/s I was thinking about adoption. But by the grace of God I am sitting here writing about this instead. I never thought I would.
I know, some of you may be thinking, "Enough already, what happened?" so here it is... (if you aren't wondering, please humor me)
I measured 8w6d, the baby had a hb of 162, and is measuring 1 inch. This is a HUGE step for us as we have never made it past 7 weeks or moved onto a 3rd u/s. We got to see the baby move, the arm and leg buds, umbilical cord... the baby even did a little flip. He or she looked so big on the screen. It was just amazing.
The RE agreed to let me stay with her for another 3 weeks before moving into the world of "normals." I know that something can go wrong still, I am not a newbie. If something is to go wrong, I want to hear it from my RE not a u/s tech who has no idea what my history is.
I go back in 3 weeks for more labs, to check my immune system, and I will get another u/s then. I will be getting another IVIg treatment this week. I am still not accepting the "c-word" but I am still taking luck, prayers, and positive energy. We still have a long way to go.
Right now, here in this moment, I want to feel joy, happiness, and this quiet comforting solitude. For the first time, in a long time, all is right in my world.
"You just got to give hope a chance to float up." -Sandra Bullock as Birdee in Hope Floats
That's right, I get to talk about my pregnancy, not a miscarriage.
I feel like a 7 year-old who just back from the zoo for the first time. Our u/s went great today... I was so happy I cried. Last night I was convinced that my pregnancy was over and went to bed crying. Woke up and 2:40 am and cried for another 2 hours. Even on the way to the u/s I was thinking about adoption. But by the grace of God I am sitting here writing about this instead. I never thought I would.
I know, some of you may be thinking, "Enough already, what happened?" so here it is... (if you aren't wondering, please humor me)
I measured 8w6d, the baby had a hb of 162, and is measuring 1 inch. This is a HUGE step for us as we have never made it past 7 weeks or moved onto a 3rd u/s. We got to see the baby move, the arm and leg buds, umbilical cord... the baby even did a little flip. He or she looked so big on the screen. It was just amazing.
The RE agreed to let me stay with her for another 3 weeks before moving into the world of "normals." I know that something can go wrong still, I am not a newbie. If something is to go wrong, I want to hear it from my RE not a u/s tech who has no idea what my history is.
I go back in 3 weeks for more labs, to check my immune system, and I will get another u/s then. I will be getting another IVIg treatment this week. I am still not accepting the "c-word" but I am still taking luck, prayers, and positive energy. We still have a long way to go.
Right now, here in this moment, I want to feel joy, happiness, and this quiet comforting solitude. For the first time, in a long time, all is right in my world.
"You just got to give hope a chance to float up." -Sandra Bullock as Birdee in Hope Floats
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