It's All Good

So we had the consult with the new specialist. It went well and L and I are both very hopeful.

He certainly believes that my problem is immune and that I am a candidate for Intra.lipids- yay!

He suggested more immune testing and IVF but I disagree. What can further testing tell us that we don't already know? I feel like we know what works and IVF just is not an option right now (however ideal it would be). If I were 34 the option would be on the table but lets see what father time gives us before going there. Plus, it will take some serious cash.

I was only surprised by one thing he said--- he thinks I should use presnidon.e along with the the Intralipi.ds. Anyone know anything about presnido.ne? My knowledge is limited.

He also agreed to consult with our ob/gyn if he were "invited" in. She, my ob/gyn, has completely agreed. Yay again! So now I need to speak with his office to talk about initiating that process.

L and I have our plan in place and crossing our fingers! Wish us luck- as clearly we will need it :)

I've Won A Prize!!!

I feel as though I have won a popularity contest-- which is kinda cool for a reason that I will explain below. I am cheating a little as I am only nominating 4. It's just too hard because I think that all the blogs I read are fabulous...

My prize is this nifty icon to the left! Woo hoo!!

The rules for Honest Scrap are:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 (or my 4) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. These are my nominees:

- new year new ute

- Fertile Yet Infertile?

- Losses and Gains

- Which Way to Baby?

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

I'm not very interesting but I will try to dazzle you with my hum- drum life!

1. I was never considered "cool" or "popular" when I was young which is why I am excited about this nomination in particular. Thanks R&R!!

2. The people that I allow myself to argue with are the people who I trust the most--- because I know that they will still like me at the end of the day.

3. L, my sweet hubby, has no idea that I blog (or at least I don't think he does).

4. I love puns and have a soft spot for other people who do too.

5. My favorite job was working in a chocolate store where we were instructed to taste the scrumptious delights multiple times a day to "make sure it was fresh." I lost weight because I ate so much while working I had no room left over for "real" food. I ask you, does it get any better than that??

6. My parents were using all of their savings to pay for my moms treatments when she was sick. So I spoke to a Nav.y recruiter about placing her on my insurance if I joined. It didn't work out.

7. I often keep and prefer my "counselor face" in my regular/ private life. It's like bot.ox-- people are never really sure what I am thinking.

8. I love my husband dearly but on the rare occasion when we have a horrible fight I think, "What would I take with me if we had to divorce?"

9. I have found that I am happiest when I am content.

10. While I do not have an evil sister I do have an overly- dramatic frustrating sister.

In The Quiet Of Night

At night, when I am feeding Lil' P, he will often fall asleep in my arms.

It's during these moments when I just stare at his sweet, perfect face and try to capture it forever in my mind.

I wonder who he will grow up to be and if I will be lucky enough to witness it. It often leads to silent tears as I begin to imagine the pain my mom went through in being forced to let go of her family earlier than she expected.

Then the pain and hurt of losing her quickly follows.

Life and death are a certainty of life. No matter how short or long. Unfair or just. I know that there can be no great sorrow without great love. These are the things that bring balance our universe.

I find myself always hoping that if there is one thing that I accomplish in my life here on earth it is that my precious little boy will know how much I loved him. But in striving for that goal-- I know that my absence, which will surely come, will bring him pain. The same sadness that lingers just below my surface.

And I am left feeling selfish for bringing something so life-altering to another.

The Light Of My Life

Seriously?

Sorry, but I can't help it...

This is going to stimulate the economy????

Getting an extra $13.00 a week in take-home- pay for 6 months? Then $8.00 a week starting in January?

Now I know where $504.00 is going-- where is the other 790 billion?

El Stupid-o

I contacted my current RE's office for a copy of my file for my consultation at the end of the month. I also included on the disclosure that they should release my records from my previous RE.

(HIPPA guidelines do not allow for offices to release any information that they did not produce them selves.)

At the request of S.IRM I indicated that I wanted the file sent directly to me.

My current office contacted me to tell me there was a $27.00 fee for the release. After being questioned by the woman about what records I wanted I finally said, "I want a copy of the entire file." If I only wanted my 1st RE's records I would have just sent my request there, right? Right.

So what did I get today???? A copy of my very 1st RE records-- and nothing from my current RE's office.

Fuckwits.

Deep Thought

CIO ='s Suckage.

Is It Bravery?

I have made a new mom- friend through a local mothers group I go to. She has a little girl 3 months younger than Lil' P.

When we started to talk about pregnancies, the challenges of motherhood, and our husbands it naturally led back to how it all started.

I think that I am open about my fertility issues for two reasons:
1) If there is another woman out there I want her to know that she can connect with someone if she wants, who will not say all the stupid things that we here.
2) I feel like by not saying something I am ashamed of my past/ present (it makes no sense but there it is)

After telling her our struggles (including the most recent) she said, "You are very brave."

I could only respond with, "Thank you but I don't feel that way---is there anything that you wouldn't do for your little girl?"

Bearing Witness

I wish I could explain the swell of emotions that came to me this past week. It was an endless variety while some the same but in varying degrees.

Sadness, pain, and death are difficult to witness. The ability to quietly sit with someone when they are at one of their most vulnerable moments in life-- it's not easily done by many. Even by people who make it their trade.

I just wanted to say thank you for bearing witness with me. You were willing to read the words, filled with tears and pain, of my loss-- and stay with me. Offering words or comfort while acknowledging that there is really no such thing. I know that some of you will continue to hold my hand while I strive for our second child and I cannot begin to express my gratefulness.

Thank you for being with me on my journey.

Man Cold

When I recently posted on Facebook that my husband had the flu and strep-- one of my friends sent me this link.

I nearly peed my pants from laughter. Which was good because I was in desperate need of it.