Hang Tough NKOTB

I know it's wrong on several different levels but... NKOTB rules!

My favorite was always Jon- the older wiser man of the group :) Who was yours???? Admit it, you know you had a favorite!

Updates and Such

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So we had our first birthing class on Saturday. I think that it will give us a lot of information, which is something that always makes me feel better. The teacher of the class was one of the two doulas I considered. Teach, the one teaching the class, and the other we'll call M, because I can't think of anything creative right now.

L thought that Teach was rather bossy and told me that he felt intimidated by her. Which I thought was funny. She's been in the birthing business for over 20 years, I thought she was just confident and had her definite opinions. I can't help but wonder if L felt that she was "bossy" because she was a women. He did agree with me that we would get a lot of good information out of the class.

Which brings me to the next little update. I have thought about it a lot over the last month and I have realized that what I want is my mom physically present at the birth. That isn't going to happen although I know she will be there in spirit. I am wanting something a little more concrete (nothing personal mom!) The next best thing is a doula. Someone to help us at home, help at the hospital, help us stay calm and focused. To make sure we are calling as many shots as possible (it is my body) and to make sure we aren't getting bowled over by doctors. So during our drive to the birthing class I explained all this to L. He told me still understood why I would want another women there, that I have good intuition, he does not believe that it would be selfish of me to spend money on a doula, and he is happy with whatever I want.

I thought about it more during class and about what L said. My very first instinct was was to have a doula and I think that it's important I feel as supported as possible. So I have emailed the doula I wanted, M, and am hoping that she is still available. As soon as I made that decision, I could feel a large portion of my anxiety ease. And I don't feel as intimidated anymore or like I have to be "so" prepared. That last statement makes me sound a little neurotic, yikes!

I think that L is even more comfortable with having a doula because in the class there was a lot of talk about higher rates of post-partum depression among women who were unhappy with their birth experiences. I think that made L take notice. I told L that M is a younger that Teach, she felt a little more laid back to me and that I really liked the way she answered my questions (it was the reason I interviewed her in person) He said that he would like someone who is younger- like she would be a little more on our level. I agree that M is more our style of person so I am hoping that this will work out.

The only other info I really have to offer on the baby front is that I finally started a registry. It was crazy strange but I have. I am glad I started it online because I became overwhelmed (I had flash back of registering when I was getting married- ugh!) I have been doing some research on certain products but- it was nothing like having to really make a decision. Anyway, I plan on finishing some more up in the store next weekend as one of good friends, who is about to be a second time mom, is going to come with me. She wants to see all the new stuff and I want someone there to say, "You don't want that one because... try this one instead".

Sorry it takes so long for me to post these days but with L gone all the time I am trying to take care of everything myself. Then I am trying to work as much as possible while I have the energy so we can save some cash. I do check the blogs all the time I just may not comment! Hope all you lovelies can forgive me :)

Apology

I feel like I owe you an apology for my post on Monday. I was so distraught and upset I didn't know what else to do. Later that day I realized how upsetting that post could be to some people if not forewarned. I meant to come back and edit it but- time got away from me.

I know that we live in the world of IF and in turn this means we see many things. Late losses are a part of that. So while I know that we are all aware of the possibility, and that it does exists, I doesn't mean that we want to be reminded of that. I know that there have been times when I just wasn't able to muster up the energy to read about a loss or when I just didn't need to be reminded of it.

With that said, LeLe is doing as well as can be expected and I know that she is grateful for any prayers and positive energy that people have sent. I truly thank you for your support of her.

I appreciate your patience with me and do apologize if caught some of you off guard.

Lost

One of my dear friends, LeLe, lost her second baby girl last night at 20 weeks. She lives very far away from me so I can be of little help.

The only thing that I can think of is to post this picture and send many, many prayers out to her, her husband, her two sons, and now her two daughters. Please send comforting prayers to her and her family. To describe this situation as unfair, well, it doesn't even do it justice.

LeLe, I pray that God is carrying you at this time and please know how much we love you, your family and your angels.

Last Treatment

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

Finally. I have found a large sense of relief in knowing my last IVIg treatment is next week. But in this relief I have also found some guilty feelings. It's not that I don't think that it's been worth it, cause I think that it has changed something but I am tired. I am tired of the needles, the planning, the ordering, and watching all that money disappear. Over the last three years my empathy with lab rats has increased three fold. I'm mostly just tired of it all.

As I said logically, I know that it has helped, it's just hard for the practical side of me when there is no baby to physically hold. This feeling reminds me of the days when I would hand the RE money trying to get here. Now I am trying to stay here. I can feel baby move regularly but somehow it's just different. I hope that these feelings don't make me a bad parent. I am sure that once I am holding Lil' P in my arms I will sigh with relief, happiness, and contentment. I am am just still waiting for the moment when I feel like everything is going to be okay.

My jury is still out on the whole doula thing. Although, the practical side of myself is still wining. I probably would do it but now that we are having one last treatment... well, it's just hard for me to justify. We'll see. Originally, I said I would make the decision by the end of this month but I think it may wait until after our second birthing class.

It's hard to believe but we have our first birthing class next Saturday. Crazy, crazy, crazy...

In other exciting news, we had snow here the other night but once the ground was nicely blanketed, it started to rain so I didn't get a picture. However, they are predicting snow for us again today so I think that I will post a picture of snow just to encourage old man winter.

My Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in this large, old house with grey walls. Inside, I gave birth to my baby all alone. I wasn't frantic or scared, I was quite calm and collected (it would be nice if real life reflected this!)

I started to breastfeed the baby and I sat down in this comfortable chair- feeling all warm and cozy. My sisters came in and I said with a smile, "Come meet James! You all missed it..."

My sisters laughed and asked if I had checked to sure that the baby was indeed a boy. I said, "No, I know it's a boy". So my sisters made me check- and it was a girl.

I told L this morning that he had better make me check when this baby arrives :)

Name 12 Things Challenge

I feel like there are many times when I complain about L but at the end of day I do still like him, not just love him. Often, the the traits that frustrate me the most are also the very ones, that when we first met, made the most attracted to him.

So in honor of the new year changing over, and this being the 12th day, I am going to list 12 things that I like about L.

1. L makes me laugh by just being silly at times. Like the a couple of weeks ago he started dancing around in his boxers and t-shirt and continued to dance while pulling up his tee shirt to make a bra. All while signing a song he "wrote." It. Was. Hot.

2. I like that he has a strong foundation in religion. While it drives me insane that he needs to go every Sunday (can't a girl take a break?) it's good for me to learn about Jesus and the Bible. While I have true faith in God, it's the fundamentals and background information I lack.

3. At the end of the day, L can really support me and listen when I need it the most. He has an uncanny way of telling when something is truly important to me.

4. When I need a hug, he is always willing to give me one. After a rough day at work it's a great feeling to just be held in his arms.

5. When I have a headache that stretches the length of my forehead, from stress or thinking too long (I squint my eyebrows together when I do this), he places several kisses right over those spots and the headache subsides. It always amazes me how that works!

6. I love that I still think that he's cute, has such pretty blue eyes, and a nice, deep voice. Oh- and nice broad shoulders (What can I say? I still find him attractive!)

7. I like that when L goes out with his single friends (on the rare occasion) he always comes home and says how glad he is that he's "not out there anymore".

8. Despite the fact that I enjoy my solitude, I like it when L tells me he wants to come home when traveling.

9. I like the fact that he is a very social person and will talk to anyone about just about anything. (But for your own sake do not start talking about college football!)

10. I like that L has a passion, although it's football, it's makes me smile to watch him become so animated.

11. L will ask for help to do even the simplest task (this aggravates me when I am trying to do something). I can appreciate the fact that he's asking for help- it's a humble trait. It's something I definitely need to work on!

12. I like that L's values and ideas are traditional and vary little. While at times this drives me insane (cause I am a moderate person as you know!) I know that there is goodness at the core of them. And, quite frankly, it's nice to be able to have something consistent these days.

So the question is, are you up to the challenge? Can you list 12 things that you like about your partner? If you are up to it, let me know and I gladly add your link on my page!

This Makes Me Sick

This is the most disturbing thing that I have heard yet. It makes me realize how unseasoned I really am in my field.

I know the man must be disturbed but I find no empathetic or sympathetic feelings for him and I hope that he pays for his awful crime.

When It Rains

Which is no way an intended pun off one of my recent posts... (but still a little funny.)

Things have not started out well for L and I this year. As you can tell by the above mentioned post and now this post... (sigh.)

Well, tonight L came home with some disappointing news. He is about to start his last semester in his Master's program and his office knows that we have our first baby on the way so people were working on making very cool things happen for us- all in the finance department.

His direct boss, his bosses boss, and the bosses bosses boss (can you follow that?) had worked hard in the month of December to plan out the best way to get L the increase in pay he (we) need to take care of our family. Also, this plan was a way to keep L at this company as his current pay is not what it currently should be and once he completes his Masters he could easily command 3 times his current salary (after all one gets a Master's degree for the increase in pay- not the for the sake of knowledge its self... In this family we can be bought!)

So back to point... They had a great plan to maximize L's salary so that by this time next year he would be making close to an extra $1000.00 a month- after taxes. Awesome, right? It may not be what he could command elsewhere but it would be enough and L really does like it there. Well, the approval for the raise made it through 4 tiers (they have some serious red tape) and when it landed on the Sr. Vice President's desk, the last and final frontier of the half-year salary increases, for approval... it got denied. This increase in pay was not astronomical by any means- he has never gotten a raise and has been there two years as a student worker and 3 years as a full time employee. It was just time to show some appreciation.

What is frustrating is that where L works and how things are set up, the raise would have cost the company at large nothing. The raise would have been paid out the budget of his direct boss (which is one of the only sectors that actually makes money in the company) because they are set up like a private business within another business.

L is just so disappointed as well as is his boss and the upper level boss. The upper level boss is going to appeal it and talk to the VP next week... I am just so disappointed for him. He really wants to stay but at the amount he is getting now, even after he gets his degree raise in May, it's just not worth it. This increase is what was going to make it worth while in the end. I hope this appeal works. The another irritating consequence is that if L leaves his boss will likely have to hire someone at a higher salary rate then what L's final salary would have been (idiotic VP douche bag!)

We were also counting on that raise to help us save over the next couple months and to help us pay for part-time daycare costs once I go back to work, as we are still dependant on my check. Oy, vay...

With all that being said, Alison, reminded me of a thought that I had earlier today. Everything happens for a reason. I don't have to like it along the way but I need to learn to accept that life will unfold like it's supposed to. I need to learn to trust and focus on that thought right now.

Think, Think, Think...

I have been thinking a lot about the birth experience I want lately.

I realize that I have difficulty doing things differently from my family, particularly my sisters. I am a little enmeshed, I can say this about my self since I am a mental health therapist- we need to know our issues! Also, while hiring a doula has GREAT benefits and is a tax write-off (the one I would like to hire is going to be about $500.00) I can't seem to decide anymore if it's what I really want. There is this practical side of me that is kicking in and wondering if I should be spending $500.oo when we have some other expenses like our new baby... and of course the unexpected expense of the roof and basement (oh, and I think my hard drive might going). I realize that my comfort should not have a "price"- but doesn't everything?

Many of my previous thoughts have remained- I am very much afraid of going through childbirth. What is it exactly that I am afraid of is not quite clear. Maybe it's going through it without my mom physically present, perhaps it's fear of the pain (well, I know it's that), or the unknown. What has changed in my thought process that would have me wanting an epidural (due to a painful miscarriage I had) to wanting natural childbirth? Can the comfort that I am looking for or wanting really come from a doula? Is it the womanly presence of someone who has given birth what I need to feel safe? Someone who is female to tell me I can make it through? Is having a doula truly what I want or am I getting what I want crossed with what my sister waned and all my fears? Once I identify all my fears are they something I can face with the help of a therapist?

I asked my sister what the difference would have been without having a doula. She cited that there would have been a increase in all the worries that I have listed above- without any prompting from me. However, there is a big difference. My sister did not want any type of medical intervention- she was adamantly against it. While I on the other hand am not feeling that strongly against it. (See? There is that middle of the road, moderate personality again!) I am not completely opposed to an epidural but it's something I would like to postpone as long as possible if not avoid.

So I am realized I am going to have to dig deep this month and figure out what this is all about. I need to figure out what is going to give me the greatest comfort and to make sure that whatever I do it is because it's what I want. I just wish the practical side of me was a little quieter.