Thanks And Intimidated

First want to say thanks for your opinions on the whole intern fiasco. I am still a little burned about it and I don't believe that my supervisor will be saying anything to this intern either. That being said, it is what it is- and I can't change it. Moving on!

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Now, I want to say thanks for all the honest opinions about the "Feeling A Little Guilty" post. You were all open and honest with me and that is what I needed most and I respect you even more so for it! So thanks, you all are a great bunch of gals :) I've decided that I am going to post things as my life happens. It's life- it does include celebrations and frustrations- and hopefully a healthy pregnancy for me and prayerfully for you soon. Finally, for now, I am going to keep the title of my blog. I feel like it's pretty encompassing.

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**pregnancy mentioned**

Over the past several days I have realized that I seriously might have this baby. I know that some of you think, "Well, duh!" but I have RPL brain. It's also the RPL brain that makes me want to keep pushing back the date to tell people about my pregnancy.

At first I was going to tell people at 13 or 13-1/2 weeks. Now that I am so close to the 'designated week' I am thinking, weeeell... maybe another week. I know it's because I am afraid as soon as I share my good news that I will jinx everything and will then be followed by going into the crapper. Another part of me thinks, I've waited this long, why bother? They'll figure it out eventually, right? I could just tell them all I am getting fat- which will technically be true.

I have also allowed myself to read more and more about pregnancy and labor over the last two weeks. I have to admit, labor intimidates me to to no end. I think that a major reason why is that I would like to have a natural childbirth. C-sections aren't for me. With epidurals- all I can think is you want to put that into my spinal fluid? And then you want me to just lay there? Induction? No, no, no- not for me thanks. I know... a little silly saying all that while saying yes to the pain of natural childbirth. You are all thinking (while twirling your index finger around you temple) "Crazy woman! This is what appeals to you out of all your options? Seriously?"

What can I say? I am a masochist.

However, there are two highly intimidating factors for me.
1) I know no one who has gone through natural childbirth. So I can't ask questions and be given honest, genuine answers. Everyone I know got an epidural or was induced then got and epidural, or had a c-section either due to choice or necessity. Now I realize that anything can happen but I think that I would really like to prepare for a natural birth. My ideal would be to have water birth in a birthing center or at home and L will never, ever, EVER go for it since we have discussed it. So that ain't happenin'... Not to mention because of the blood thinners I am on I think that I would be considered too high risk.

2) The fertility issues and all of my miscarriages have really taken the confidence I have in body down to nil. I am not sure how to get that back or if I even can. I just don't trust my body anymore to do what it should without feeling highly skeptical or thinking I will need medical intervention.

For these reasons, I have started to look into doula services and have found some encouraging information. I am just hoping that the medical world of the west is willing to indulge me.

Interns

I will try to make this short, but it was very frustrating and irritating experience for me.

At my work we have interns. Obviously, they are there to learn and grow in our, their, profession. Our field is the social services sector. We are clinicians, therapists, parent aides. We work with families who are involved with children services in some form or another. I particularly work with foster children. I write big long reports about their families and make recommendations on placements and what the parents should have to do in order to get the child back in their care. It's odd hours, sometimes long days, mean people, and not very pretty stories.

These interns are working 24 hours a week. I gave my intern, who is one year older than me, a deadline to meet. Why? Because I have a deadline to meet. When the intern didn't finish it on time, I sent a professional email inquiring about it and asking for it to be in my email box by a specific day and time. Again. What I asked this intern to do, should not have taken any longer than 1-1/2 (for first timers) hours- absolute tops. Once you have the info- which the intern did- it's fill in the blank. It's not difficult. I even took time to speak briefly about the sections with this intern and where s/he would locate the information.

Now, I have realized through my deductive reasoning skills that this intern does not check his/her email everyday or they just ignore my email- either way- not good. So I call this morning to make sure it gets checked- it's 8:40am. Instead of having a reasonable conversation I end up playing therapist. Overall, I end up feeling like I am the one getting chewed out and I am trying to calm this person down. Me. Myself. I am the clinician. What the hell?? The response was basically, "I said I 'might' be able to get it done." Excuse me? Might? Then this intern went on to say, "I am not prioritizing anymore... what gets done in 24 hours gets done." I am sorry, what? I don't understand. Seriously. I. Don't. Get. It.

So I spoke with my supervisor and told her my concerns and issues. What was said and how I tentatively 'resolved' the situation. Which wasn't really at all, I ended up taking the section because I was tired of waiting. This intern was 'really busy' with other pressing issues- like the 4 days s/he was taking off next week (which this intern had JUST told me). This intern "can't be expected to get this all done." Don't get me started about this other report we are to be working on... but I digress... My supervisor pretty much agreed that the assignment was one of the easiest parts to complete and flat out told me that she hadn't given this particular intern that much to do. Which leads to one conclusion...

Poor time management. All I can think is- if this paperwork is overwhelming you better not EVER work for a community agency. Talk about paperwork and deadlines.

Maybe my expectations are a little high, and please if I am wrong someone out there let me know, but no matter the number of hours you are working an internship is a J-O-B. This is also a time where there is a learning curse (so things take longer) and shouldn't you want to impress those you work with? When you have a deadline, you get it done. If you don't know how to- start asking questions. If questions aren't being answered- then you ask more loudly until you have someones attention. If you can't get it done for whatever reason, you pick up the phone and call the person. You don't just leave them sitting there twiddling their thumbs right?

***side note- in all my emails and face to face's with all the interns I always tell them to feel free to email, call me, ask me whatever questions they have***

I have to say if s/he willing to act like that with me, and I will put this on a peer-to-peer level, what will he be like with clients when he is overwhelmed (which this intern insisted was not the case)? What will s/he be like with peers in a 'real' work place? Can this intern handle being a clinician? A therapist? What will s/he be like with the supervisees if this intern ever becomes a supervisor? If this intern isn't willing to do a little more self reflection about her/his attitudes, behaviors, and mannerisms- then I am very, very concerned about their future role in this profession.

Seriously, anyone? Am I crazy for expecting it to be done? Are my expectations too high? I am just completely baffled by this interns response here...

Feeling A Little Guilty

I have to honest... I have been feeling a little guilty lately.

I recognize and fully acknowledge that when I entered this blogshere, I came in under the guise of "Challenged in the area of Fertility". I only started blogging a short while ago about my trials of fertility issues and RPL. Yet, here I am, only a couple months since and I am able to post about what appears to be my first healthy pregnancy.

I have noticed over the past month or so that the same people are no longer posting responses. Which leads me to believe that they are no longer reading. I like to think that it's because it has become too painful for them or too difficult to watch "yet one more woman get what I have been working for" and not that ill will is being wished upon me. Which, sadly, I can completely and truly understand. Seriously, although I am not proud of it, I have done similar things. In this situation though there is a darker side of me that wonders, "Are they not reading because they don't think that I am worthy of a healthy pregnancy? That I haven't had enough trials?"

I do feel that I have "earned my badge" and a healthy pregnancy. Not that it's something one "earns"- but you know what I mean. I think that's it's more about that I am afraid you, those of you that read or browse my blog, believe that I haven't earned one because you haven't been there the whole time I have worked through this.

Another part of me questions if I should keep blogging about my pregnancy or blog about other things? Should I change the title of my blog? I don't want people to think or feel that I am rubbing it in their face. I am not trying to pass you some more salt for your wound. That being said though, this is my blog. I should be able to freely express my worries, sadness, frustrations, and celebrations. There are already some serious questions that I am being asked about by others and if life has taught me anything it's that anything can happen at any time.

Rest assured my therapist brain tells me this is more about me coming to terms with my new situation than about you, my readers. While I am not sure where to go from here, I hope to figure it out.

Closing In On The Finish Line

**pregnancy mentioned**

As I have been coming up on the 12th week of my pregnancy I have started to feel the pressure of it all.

And fearing the other shoe will drop.

We actually have a chance at having a baby. What a gift. What an intimidating gift.

We have been going at this for a while, not as long as some of you out there, but two years next month. And we might actually reach the finish line. These are no longer just images in my head. It might be a reality.

I’ve started to look closely at our finances. Scary. What were we thinking? Did we really think that we could afford a baby? To be honest, we could have… before paying for the last 2 IVIg treatments. Now our bank accounts are empty and we weren’t saving a lot of money before.

I am scared. I am scared that we have gone about all of this all wrong and we are going to be punished somehow. I realize this goes against how I view God but… feelings are irrational, what can I say?

Do I stay at my current job? Do I apply for that full time salary position? How long am I willing to work 40 hours a week? Do I give up my contracting job completely? How are we going to pay for daycare? How do you find a daycare? How are we going to save enough money so I can stay home for the first 3 months? Is this really going to be our sticky pregnancy? Will I even make it to the 'safe zone' of 13 weeks? Is all this worry really for nothing?

I am overwhelming myself with questions.

Earlier today, at Stirrup Queens, I said that I would like the super power of clarity- I would be Clarity Girl. I would bring clarity to anyone who searched for it and wanted it. I would help people find the path they were supposed to go down- the one that would bring them the most peace. Where’s my clarity now?

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I remember when I lost my 3rd pregnancy, I had no idea what to do. I didn't know how to honor the little lives that I had lost- those little feet had left such a big imprint on me. I decided to honor them the way I tried to honor my mom, I got a car magnet.

When I first got this pink and blue ribbon I just cried and cried... on the ribbon it simply said "We Remember."

And we do, everyday.

To my five angels in heaven... I think of you everyday and I will always remember you.

First Personal Experience With God: Suddenly Gone

As I said in a previous post, I will share two experiences as to why I believe in God. My God that is. It might not look the same as yours. That being said, here is my first experience.

I grew up in a very small town in the Midwest. We only had one full traffic light and two blinking ones. We got the second full traffic light when I was in high school. Our high school had a total of 500 kids, 110 people graduate in my senior class.

When I was in the 5th grade all the people I was friends with decided to split of into cliques. I never really felt like I belonged to any clique. I was pretty constant friends with a small group of girls but even with them I never really belonged.

However, as we split off into groups and cliques, there were some that I remained acquaintances with because we had always had choir class together. This went on from 7th grade through high school. When I reached 1oth grade one of the acquaintances dropped chorus but we would still talk once in a while during English class when we were seniors. We also went to Close- Up (a trip to Wachingto D.C for Jr's and Sr's) together.

One day I got called down to the office because of a detention I got (please people, I was late for class 3 times- this was the worst thing I had done in high school!)

While I was waiting to get called in to the v. principals office, I saw my acquaintance crying along with another one of my estranged friends, who was trying to comfort her. I kept looking at her and wanting to say that it would be alright, no matter what it was. I wanted to give her a hug, she was so sad and upset. But we weren't really friends and it seemed like such a personal moment. I sat glued to my seat and just kept looking over wanting to say something or I just averted my eyes to the floor. I never said anything.

About a month later, I had an awful dream that she was killed. I turned around in English class to tell her about it- and tell her to be careful. And I thought to myself, "What? You just can't blurt that out to someone!" I also wanted to tell her that I hoped that things were better. Again, my butt stayed glued to the seat and I didn't say anything.

Several weeks later she was killed in a car accident. It was devastating and a shock to our small school. She was one of 3 people killed that night, the other two were earlier graduates from our high school as well. And sadly, another graduate had recently committed suicide about a week or two prior. This was a small community- all the senior class left school that day as well as part of the Jr. class.

The funeral came and went- the church was so full that at least 75+ people had to stand. It was November when that happened. How awful for her family right before the holidays. How awful for her family period. All her close friends...

During the holidays all I could do was cry at night, while laying in my bed. I kept thinking about her family- about how I should have taken the opportunities that presented themselves to me. I didn't. I never thought that I could have prevented the accident but... I should have offered a kind word when I had the chance.

One night while laying n my bed, staring at the Christmas lights around my window I sobbed and sobbed to God. "Why did you take her?... There was still so much life she had to live... This doesn't make any sense... Why would you do this to her family? How do we know she is okay?" I just cried these words over and over... finally I sobbed, "Please let me know that she is alright, that she is okay... Let me know that you are really here with me- with us. I need some comfort, please..."

Seconds after saying that, I got a calming chill all through my body- Like someone placed a hand on me. I instantly knew that everything was alright. Things were going to be just fine- they were still going to be hard, but I would be okay. I stopped crying and I was able to fall asleep. In my dream that night, she was standing there, in front of me in one of her cute outfits, from a picture that I had of her from our last Close-Up trip. She was smiling and said to me, "I am alright, you have no reason to worry. I really am okay." What I remember most is her looking happy, content, and peaceful.

Her death inspired me to not be so afraid to talk with people and I became a bit more extroverted with those in my classes who I had never been friends with. It also helped me take a few more chances in life- like picking up and moving to another state.

This was my first personal experience with God and why I am convinced that my God is with me... with us.

Whew!

**pregnancy mentioned**

I have been sweating the last week as all my symptoms have started to tapper off. Which I realize is very typical for this part of the trimester but in my world- it's never a good sign.

So I called my Ob's office and they agreed to let me come in today.

Let me first say I love my Ob, Dr. C. Love her, love her, love her. Did I mention that I love her? We found out yesterday that our insurance will only cover a very small portion of our u/s at the RE's office because we are now pregnant- so they are all considered "pregnancy u/s" from this point on. We told her what the insurance was doing... she didn't charge us for today's u/s, only the visit! How much does she rock???!

Little baby is growing well, lots of movement. We were 10w4d and the hb was 182. Dr. C said it was on the high side of average but thought it was mostly due to "mom's epinephrine". What can I say? I was nervous! She said that we could come in for a weekly u/s if we wanted, to help ease our anxiety. It seems a little much- so maybe every 10 days ;) Still waiting on the c- word but...

Whew! Is my word of the day. I hope little baby keeps growing!!

Nature v. Nurture... Or Both?

Mel, at the Stirrup Queens, brought up an interesting question. Are the choices or paths we make, as it relates to fertility, predetermined... nature v. nurture.

Well, I have thought about this. A lot through my education, training, and well, just my life. I think it all boils down to one idea or thought. It's a combination of both.

First, I would like to say that copulation and reproduction are natural instincts. I believe that these are primal needs. These drives are in the ever so primitive parts of our brain, making them innate. As our brains develop, certain hormones stimulate certain parts of the brain. Even as we get older, some parts of the brain lose specific hormones and chemicals which can change our thinking and our perceptions. Case in point, menopause and bi-polar disorder. I think this is the nature part.

The nurture part comes in from what you are taught as you grow as a person. I believe the experiences will push people one way or another. While predisposed to a certain characteristic, mannerism, or lifestyle a simple experience or recurring situation can change it all.

If a couple decides they want children, the obvious and most economical choice is to have your own (I hear that this can really happen!). As you go along on the journey and it turns out it's not as simple as it once appeared, those experiences either reinforce what you originally believed or they have made you question it, or question it to the point that you change your mind. Some people are taught to follow their gut instincts. Or maybe to risk it all no matter the cost. They were taught through their life experiences that their gut usually led them down the right path or that risks, at any cost, is a worth while cause. While there are others who experienced risks and it didn't work out. Or it made them so uncomfortable they had difficulty relaxing, making the risk worthless to them in the end because they weren't able to enjoy the ride.

Our life experiences shape us, change us, alter us, and sometimes it helps us find our path. No matter what the path is for you (or me) it's important that you are accepting of the choices you made, and make, while on it. Otherwise, it makes the journey unhappy and regretful.

8 Not-So-Interesting Things About Me

My list will be titled 8 not-so-interesting things about me, sorry R&R! I just don’t consider myself an interesting person- but it's fun and I am glad you tagged me :)

1. I love to sing. I started asking my mom for voice lessons when I was in the 6 or 7th grade but she kept saying no. In my 8th grade choir class the ‘graduating’ 8th graders were to do a solo, I sang “Think of Me” from Phantom of the Opera. After receiving a standing ovation, my mom finally agreed to let me take lessons. I took them for 4 years. It’s the only moment in my life where I can say I was truly proud of myself.

2. I met my husband-to-be about 3 hours after I broke up with my last boyfriend (of course I didn't know he would be my last boyfriend then!)

3. Once I scrape food off a plate and it’s ready to be pushed down into the garbage disposal, it freaks me out to touch with my hands. I realize this is the exact same food I put in my mouth, umm… 5 minutes ago, but somehow it has changed as it went from the table to the sink. What’s that about?

4. From the time I was in the 8th grade I always said that I wanted to be a counselor, a therapist. Now that I am here, have passed my licensure exam, and am working on my full certification- I am not sure I want to be a therapist. I am 29 years old, have a Master’s degree (and the loans to show for it) and don’t know where I want my life to go or look like. Well, I know in the depths of my heart and soul I want to be a mom but that’s about it.

5. As I read other blogs, I think of how articulate the people sound. How well they write and wish that I could be so. Why can’t I sound like that? But I write like I speak. As I posted to someone else, I don’t really consider myself a ‘brainy’ person, I am people person. I know people and I am good at reading in between the lines. Most of the time. But I still wish I could sound 'brainy'!

6. My favorite cartoon is ‘Animaniacs.’ My favorite episode, to this day, is where they go to visit Satan in Hell- they are so mean and sarcastic to him. They also had this great segment called ‘Good Idea, Bad Idea’… just thinking about it makes me laugh! Ahhh, good times, good times…

7. I don't like being out in large bodies of water far away from the shore-even if I can stand. I am okay if I am in a motorized boat though. There is something about it that just freaks me out and I become very unsettled. At the same time I don't like going underwater if I am in a pool by myself. Completely irrational but- I worry that something will keep me under the water and I will drown.

8. I grew up in the Midwest. I was going to college in a place where the people came from wealthy families, and spent lots of money. I noticed my Sophomore year that my values were changing. I didn’t like it. So I decided to move to the South because my family drove through a particular state one time and I thought it was pretty. So I applied to two schools in the state, got into both, picked one, and moved. People thought I was crazy because I knew no one at all. I didn't think it was a big deal. Still don’t really get it to this day. Best move I ever made though, I met some truly fabulous people!

For some reason this post reminds me of an episode in Sex In the City, where they all talk about their secret single behaviors. Anyone else think so? It seems the blogs I have read have already done this- guess I need to start expanding again! But I will tag JJ (at Reproductive Jeans) I haven't seen something like this on her blog so... Tag your it, no tag backs!

Me And My God

***Caution- Touchy subject! It’s my blog though so I can do what I want***

So there are people in the IF’sphere, well, my IF’shere, that are in an uproar about what a poster said to one of my fellow IF’ers/ RPL sisters. The post is over at The Sticky Bean Preconception Journal if you are wondering.

An anonymous poster suggested, well pretty much said, that people were punished until they were humbled enough by God. Specifically, in this case, infertiles or RPL’ers.

Let me first say that I did not grow up in the church and that all of my ‘God learning experiences’ came from going to a YMCA camp for 3 months every summer from the age of 8 until I was 20. Don’t worry I went there as a camper (until the age of 15) and then worked there. There are also two very personal experiences, that I will share in later blogs, as to why I believe in God and his presence.

I don’t believe that God punishes people. It’s just not in my definition of God. I think that God loves us and wants us all to be happy or at least content. Some days it’s just seriously difficult to believe and remember that.

Many times throughout this process I have yelled at God, screamed why at Him, and cried many, many tears with Him. In the end of it all none of it mattered 1) Because I cannot control this and 2) God is large person, he take it. I can turn my back, pout in the corner like a 2- year old but it will not change… things are the way they are. Sometimes there are reasons, sometimes there aren’t. You have to careful if you assign a ‘reason’ to an action. Reason can lead to blame. And blame never leads to anything good.

I believe that there is too much to learn in this life in just one trip. Do I call it reincarnation? Past lives? I am not sure. There are just too many experiences to go through in just a mere 85 years- if we are lucky enough to be in a very healthly body that long.

In my opinion, I think that certain experiences are meant to give us a different perspective. A new view point. A way to learn something if we can. It’s there to help us grow if we can withstand it.

I like to think that the last 3 years of my life God has been trying to teach me to let go. Be patient. Flow with the waves of life. Be in the moment because it’s all we have. Stop thinking forward. Learn to accept. Things don’t always need changing. Some things just are. Learn to trust the process.

I am a slow, slow learner. I am stubborn, bullheaded, and a control freak to boot. Too bad for God… but lucky for me He has the patience of a saint.

As Life Washes Over Us

Niobe, over at Dead Baby Jokes, talked about her happiness challenge. When she was pregnant with twins she would watch TV to escape the physical pains of pregnancy. However, she unfairly and sadly, lost both of her babies. While wadding through her grief she found she could no longer enjoy watching TV. The memories it brought back were just too painful. Her happiness challenge was to watch TV again... a major accomplishment for her. Congrats Niobe!

In the professional conference I was at last week we talked about how "life washes over people." In my mind it's a great comparison. Life does wash over us like the ocean. It claims things and people that we love. Things we don't want to let go of. It can act as a major catalyst for changes we don't want- and sometimes what we do. It pushes us around and reminds us that we are not in control- no matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise.

My life has been washing over me since the day I found out my mom was sick. The good Lord knows how hard I fought, how I struggled to maintain what control I had (which was none), and how I feared my mom would leave me before I could tell her and show her how much I loved her. For the longest time I couldn't quilt, cross stitch, or play the piano. The first two were hobbies my mom had taught me and she loved to hear my siblings and I play the piano.

Many of us are taught to stand strong against opposition, push back. Stay firm in our convictions. The other morning, while driving to the u/s, I was thinking about all of this. What would happen if instead of standing strong against the tides of life, I floated with it? What if I was using all my energy fighting against or for something that wasn't to be mine in the first place? As life washes over us, if we float with the waves, maybe it will take us to where we were always meant to be. Furthermore, what if by doing this we were able to get back some of what life took from us?

It wasn't until a year ago that I could do any of those three things I talked about earlier without crying uncontrollably or feeling the pain of her death. I was slowly able to bring them back to the surface and find joy in them again. As your life has washed over you, what was lost that you would like to bring back?

Hope Floats

(pregnancy mentioned)

That's right, I get to talk about my pregnancy, not a miscarriage.

I feel like a 7 year-old who just back from the zoo for the first time. Our u/s went great today... I was so happy I cried. Last night I was convinced that my pregnancy was over and went to bed crying. Woke up and 2:40 am and cried for another 2 hours. Even on the way to the u/s I was thinking about adoption. But by the grace of God I am sitting here writing about this instead. I never thought I would.

I know, some of you may be thinking, "Enough already, what happened?" so here it is... (if you aren't wondering, please humor me)

I measured 8w6d, the baby had a hb of 162, and is measuring 1 inch. This is a HUGE step for us as we have never made it past 7 weeks or moved onto a 3rd u/s. We got to see the baby move, the arm and leg buds, umbilical cord... the baby even did a little flip. He or she looked so big on the screen. It was just amazing.

The RE agreed to let me stay with her for another 3 weeks before moving into the world of "normals." I know that something can go wrong still, I am not a newbie. If something is to go wrong, I want to hear it from my RE not a u/s tech who has no idea what my history is.

I go back in 3 weeks for more labs, to check my immune system, and I will get another u/s then. I will be getting another IVIg treatment this week. I am still not accepting the "c-word" but I am still taking luck, prayers, and positive energy. We still have a long way to go.

Right now, here in this moment, I want to feel joy, happiness, and this quiet comforting solitude. For the first time, in a long time, all is right in my world.

"You just got to give hope a chance to float up." -Sandra Bullock as Birdee in Hope Floats

I'm Off For A Visit

I feel like I haven't been around much lately. Which, I guess, is true. I have been away since Thursday because I was at a professional conference. It was interesting and right before that I was busy trying to wrap up some ends at work because I am leaving tomorrow for a trip. I am going to see my mom's side of the family. I love them and haven't seen them in a year so it will be nice.

I don't know how I think everything is going with this pregnancy. Sometimes I think the queasiness is getting better, sometimes I think it's the same as it has been. I am working hard at not judging things as it never does any good. This pregnancy will be what it is and there is nothing I can do about that. I wouldn't change anything that I have done or anything I will do over the next week. I will have to be satisfied with my actions no matter the outcome. This week will be a good distraction from this up coming ultrasound.

I am still scared but there is nothing to do but wait.

Solid First Step

(pregnancy mentioned)

Today was a solid first step in the right direction. We had a HB of 144. The baby's C to R measured 6w3d and the sac measured 6w6d. Technically, I am 6w6d today. Not thrilled about the C to R but I also know that it can be completely normal... it would just be nice if they were measuring closer but it is what it is. That being said feel free to offer any good experiences you have had with this, even if it's just to ease my mind :)

The RE did see what initally looked like a uterine clot but then saw 'motion'. So she believes it to just be uterine artery flow since it's right next to the sac. According to her things look good.

The next u/s is Oct. 1st, if the pregnancy is progressing then we will have another IVIg treatment that Thursday.

It's a good first step but we have been here before and have a looooong way to go. If you are willing, I am still accepting luck but no c-word yet please. Here's hoping I have a pukey 2 weeks!

Things I Have Been Pondering

Road Blocks and Rollercoasters have brought back to surface many things I have been pondering lately...

First, what has happened in my life when I was too wrapped up in my fertility woes? Who did I not laugh with? Celebrate with? Cry with? Listen too? Who was I not there for and how do I begin to apologize for being so wrapped up in myself that I forgot to be a friend?

Second, if I have truly accepted that I cannot control my pregnancy outcomes- then why do I continue with treatments? Why do I take nightly shots? Why do I take all those pills in the morning? Am I in a false state of acceptance or in a state of acceptance of knowing I can only control what I can control?

Finally, why am I so willing to believe that if I talk about something good happening that I will actually cause it to go bad? If I say a specific word that I have jinxed myself? However, on the reverse side, there is nothing I can do or say to help something good happen. Why am I willing to give the sad and unhappy things so much meaning and bearing in my life?

I Am A Judger

‘Should’ and ‘Shouldn’t’ are expectations and judgments.

You should….
That should…
It shouldn’t…
Why shouldn’t…

They place a value and expectation on something. I think that this goes along with what other bloggers have been saying about feelings during the 2ww or pregnancy.

I got worried last night when my queasiness went away. I thought ‘I should feel queasy… it’s a sign the pregnancy is over.’ Then another thought, ‘I shouldn’t think that way.’

In reality, I have been trained to think that way. It’s the way it’s always ended. A sudden lack of symptoms, having my energy back, or not having symptoms at all. All based on how I should or shouldn’t feel. An expectation on a pregnancy. I do have to say- I feel happiest when I feel the worst.

Last Wednesday I went to my Ob to get some antibiotics because their office likes to treat you when your sick- I do love my Ob by the way. She asked me how I was feeling, if I was feeling ‘pregnant.’ I told her in that moment I was but that my sinus infection over the weekend seemed to be masking my symptoms I might have been having. In my paranoia I asked, ‘Can I get another beta check? We are about to drop a lot of money on IVIg and I don’t want to spend the money on a pregnancy that isn’t progressing.’ AKA a beta of 423? How do I know this isn’t a chemical pregnancy? To which she responded…

‘You shouldn’t feel that way, I have a good feeling about this.’

Another judgment. Shouldn’t. What in my history says I ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way? She is not the only person to have said something of this manner to me. I have had many MANY people say this to me. I know that they are well meaning and encouraging me to have hope. They just want to make me feel better… but those responses are about them not about me.

You know what the nurse and the lab tech said to me when I went to get my fourth lab done and I said it was because of my paranoia?

‘Well, I can’t blame you’ and ‘You’ve been through a lot [insert name], I can understand why.’ These are the most comforting comments I get. They don’t place judgments on me or the pregnancy. They just accept me and my feelings.

This is hard. Really hard. And let’s be honest, of course I have hope. Otherwise, I wouldn’t keep doing this and taking all the meds that I take and try experiential treatments. I will even say it out loud, ‘I am pregnant. I want this pregnancy and I want to stay this way for at least another 8-1/2 months.’ (Felt like I was in an AA for a moment there! Now everyone- ‘Hi Grad3’)

I would also like to apologize to my baby…

*It’s not your fault my history is what it is. It’s not that I don’t want you. I do… I really do. That is why I have been working so hard to keep you. It’s just that I don’t know any different right now. This is just very hard for me. Hard for me to expect anything different than what I have been given in the past. I hope you know that you are loved and very much wanted. I am sorry that I cannot be better at this but I will try harder to not place an expectation on you.*

With all that being said, my beta last Wednesday came out very nice, it was a little over 4,000. So it was still tripling. My IVIg was done that Thursday. I was a little anxious but it wasn’t bad at all. I am starting to get scared because of my lack of symptoms but they have come back a little today. Mostly, I am getting scared because my u/s is on Monday. And well, I am just scared. I know that I have every reason to hope and I know that things look promising. I really will try not to place a judgment or expectation on this baby or pregnancy. Or me really. It’s just a scary place to be. And it is what it is.

'IF'

Ever notice how the acronyms for infertility are 'IF'?

IF we try this …
IF we do this …
What IF …
IF this happens …
IF the results are …
IF this fails …
IF this does work ...

Coincidence? I think not.

Happy News, 3 Labs, and A Thank You

First my happy news- my friend, and RPL'er- we'll call her Sweets, had her u/s today! They saw a heartbeat for the very first time!!! I am so, so, so excited for them. All the good thoughts and wishes must have helped 'cause this is the farthest they have ever been. A long way to go still but much has been accomplished... (happy sigh). I hope this is it for them.

My 3 48- hour labs came back and were the following:
Lab#1- Progesterone (33.6), HCG (46)
Lab#2- HCG (140)
Lab#3- HCG- (423)

All my pregnancies have doubled in HCG, but my progesterone was always low. Ironically, the one where the progesterone was high, my beta's didn't double. So things look promising but I still have a loooong way to go. My IVIg treatment should be this Thursday. L and I have decided no more b/w since it won't really tell us anything and might only give us more worry. What I am most happy about is that my progesterone was high on it's own, no suppository help in order for me to get that number. It brings a strange sense of relief.

Saving the most important for last. Thank you. I can't tell you how it warmed my heart that so many people supported me and posted... you just let me talk. You listened, you didn't push or nag. It was very much what I needed. And I don't think I realized how much I needed it until I got it. So thank you all so much and thank you for sending me luck. I am still going to need it, but for now, we are just a little closer to the "c- word."

I Am Reduced To This

I actually mocked a TV character last night... it's a sad moment in my life.

Background information on this character- after several tests, decades and decades ago, she and her husband were told that they could not have children.

Scene...

"Grace are you feeling aright?"

"Yeah, I am just a little queasy... it's just the flu."

Me- [insert a very mocking tone] "I am pregnant even though I am 45 and I didn't need any help from fertility treatments... look at me.

[Insert angry tone] "Of all the stupid, sorry, son- of-a-... I can't believe how unrealistic this is!"

[Stomping out of the room] "Well, don't you get a fucking cookie."

Happiness Can Mean Subtracting

A magazine article made me think about our pursuit of Happiness a little differently. The major result of being happy is a higher quality of life. Often times when we are in search of making something a higher quality we think, “What can I add to this (fill in blank) to make it better?”

It seems like we are all very motivated people. We have goals that we want to reach and some that we have already obtained. Maybe it was house, a brand new car, creating a garden, learning to play an instrument, or taking that photography class. We add things to our lives to make it more enjoyable. What if the answer is not in what we add, but what we subtract? What if we said, “I am going to stop working so late every night” or “I am going to leave the rest of the ‘To Do’ until tomorrow”? What if we subtracted something from our lives that zaps the energy out of us? Maybe it's a relationship we have with someone, the late nights at work, or rushing home to get the laundry done and fixing dinner 5 times a week? We work hard already and I bet our schedules are already crammed full of stuff- and let’s not discount the times when we are in fertility treatments because that's a whole other job!

What if instead of looking at things to add to our lives we looked at things we can subtract?

Okay... Well... Huh.... Alrighty... Ahhhh... Mmhmm...

I think that I should win an award. Preferably, something that includes a large and hefty stash of money, to help pay for my treatments. Why you ask? Why should this be given to me specifically? What makes me more special than anyone out there in the the IF world? Well, I should tell you that this award would also be titled, "The Most Fertile Infertile Ever."

I think the title of this post captures my first thoughts after taking my pregnancy test. It most definitely did not say "Not Pregnant." My thoughts also included, "I will need to make some phone calls on Monday." These phone calls do not include the happy ones with excitement and smiles to friends and family. That ship has looooong since sailed. These calls will be to my Ob's office and my RE's. Aside from L, these are the next people in my life who learn when I am pregnant. Little sad...

All of my excitement went out with the first 5 pregnancies. That's right, I had some type of excitement with all of my pregnancies. I too was surprised that I was able to hold on to it for that long. The capacity of the human spirit amazes me. It really, really does.

The human spirit is strong in this 'sphere. I have seen women beat the odds, the statistics, and the unknown. All of you are an inspiration with insurmountable grace. I know that many people will not be able to say anything at all to me because it's a reminder of what they have lost or want. The good Lord knows there are enough reminders in our everyday lives and I am sorry that I've added another. I really am. I think of how I have beaten myself up in the past for not being able to overcome my own feelings of sadness in light of someone else's happiness- quite frankly IF has beat me up enough and I have realized I will not help IF with that anymore. I hope you are able to join me in this cause.

With all that being said I, sincerely and kindly, ask you to please, please, please... Do Not wish me congratulations. As you know I have been here before. Many times. 5 to be exact but hey I'm not counting or anything.

Mostly, so far, I feel sad about feeling resigned to my situation and a little scared of what's to come. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, I don't feel like sharing more after this, I don't want to talk with friends and family about it. I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide from it for a little longer. If I can't see it then it's not happening right? I just needed to get all this jumble out of my head. So I appreciate you, if you are reading, at letting me have a sounding board- because that is what I need the most right now. Thank you.

I have a small glimmer of hope, it's my catch-22 after all, but... I know that there is not much more I can do at this point. I must wait and see what happens. Call the dr's offices in the morning to start the labs and see what my RE says about starting IVIg. I will start the progesterone and Lovenox shots tonight. I feel resigned, and maybe even reluctant, to start this process all over again.

If you can- wish me luck ladies because my history says I am going to need it.

I Can't Hear You And I Don't Know Why

While in Mexico my husband and I talked only a little about our fertility issues and what we might want to do.

I prompted a conversation and L started talking about surrogacy again and I could just feel my hands going over my ears. I didn’t want to hear it. Why?

A few other bloggers, unknowingly, brought this back to my attention. Why does this make me want to put my hands over my ears and sing the ‘Smurf’ theme song? Why was Smurfette the only female by the way? Apparently, her fertility was fantastic. What a whore. Sorry, I digress-

All L wanted me to tell him is that it wasn’t off the table. The first time he brought it up I immediately thought, “I would rather adopt.” Period. No discussion. I told him so as well. Turns out that upset him more than he let on at the time. So I told him the truth in Mexico, it wasn’t off the table. Technically, it's not. It's an option I have but I don't have to like it. That being said, I didn’t explain my raw red thoughts about it or my feelings of disdain for it either.

How can I explain it when I don’t even understand my aversion to it? What if, after all this work, the only options left for us are surrogacy, adoption, or living childfree? In theory, I don’t suppose surrogacy is all the different than adopting. You have to trust what the birth mother says. You have to believe that she took care of herself during or throughout her pregnancy. If she states she has not taken any alcohol, illicit drugs, or use something harmful you have to believe her. You also have to trust that the medical history she has given is accurate.

I asked the age old question after my last RE said DE, “What is more important, being mom or carrying the baby?” My response has always stayed the same… I want to carry a baby. With my family health history of cancer and all my fertility issues I knew it would be hard to give up that genetic link but I could do it. In the end, my baby would have a healthier life, I could give him or her a possible genetic edge and, to me, that was an amazing gift. To not face what I am likely too, cancer, or what my other family members have. If I could carry my baby to full term and give them a healthier life- I could do DE. I would feel the baby move. Watch my belly grow. Give birth. Breast feed. All these things, that I so deeply desire, that my words just cannot begin to express. However, through my life experience and work I know that these are not the only things that make a woman a mother. A mother is so much more than than this, so much more... Still, these reasons speak so loud to me. Why?

In surrogacy, I know that I would lose a lot of that, if not all of that. I am sure the medical field has figured out a way to make a woman lactate so I assume there would at least be that for me. However, upon initial thought- surrogacy doesn’t appeal to me. Let’s say though I am able to work past those issues. Then I am left with my most important question, “Who would I trust enough to carry my baby? Who would be the person to carry and keep safe my most precious treasure? Who would protect them as I would and vow to keep them safe at all costs?” Really, who would that be? Who can I put that ultimate trust in? I have no answer.

I asked L to table the discussion and revisit if we get to that point. All I can think now is please let this IVIg treatment work.

Warning: TMI and Stupid Things In The 2ww

Stupid Thing 1) I change my mind two times, thus change lanes twice, about what Starbucks bathroom to use because one has poor lighting and I cannot analyze the color of my pee (because I take a Super B complex) and my urine changes color when I am pregnant.

Stupid Thing 2) I try to avoid looking at pregnant people. So thank you pregnant Starbucks woman for making my Mocha Frappuccino (whore!)

Stupid Thing 3) Analyze any lower abdominal twinges I have. I actually thought last night, "Oh man, if only I had been in the right sitting position when I sneezed- then I could have seen if it would have made a pulling sensation- damn it!"

Stupid Thing 4) Hmmm... I think my boobs look bigger. No wait, that's the two pounds I have gained from bloating. Hey wait! I think my nipples might be darker! Oh yeah, I just got out of the shower. Oooo...! No, that Montgomery gland is from my last pregnancy. Shit.

Stupid Thing 5) I think I am starting to feel queasiness and lightheaded! When was the last time I ate and took the Metformin? Huh, 7 hours ago.

Stupid Thing 6) "I must remember that breast tenderness is my new ovulation/ progesterone symptom, not a sign of pregnancy." Repeat 3 more times.

I cannot be the only one who does these stupid things- right?

Happiness

What is happiness? This question comes courtesy of Mel's blog over at the Stirrup Queens.

I believe it is way too late in my day to be pondering this but I will give it a try. Maybe I become more deep when I tired, like people become more honest when they are intoxicated...?

When I think of happiness I think of moments when I notice the how a trees leaves look just the right shade of green next to the blue sky. I think of my family and campfires. My nephew laughing so hard he snorts (it's really too funny). Just sitting inside on a rainy day, reading a good book with my Mocha. Maybe a friends thoughtful comment or help. A quiet evening with L. Remembering my mom's laughter or imagining her scratch my back when I am sad and just simply giving me a hug.

When I think of these moments collectively I try to imagine the feeling I have had. There are many to pick from. It's a sense of peace. Of calm. Feeling grounded. Having the faith and confidence that whatever is handed to me I will be okay at the end. It's being content with my life in the moment. The ability to accept things as they are and not wanting to change it.

I think that overall, I am an optimistic person however incredibly sarcastic and sassy I maybe in real life (my sense of humor came courtesy of my mom.) The things I have written about usually make me want to yack when I hear other people actually speak these words but here they are none the less.

This is my happiness.

Identical Quads

I saw a news report a couple of days ago about a women who gave birth to identical quadruplets. The odds are close, or slightly over, 1 in 3 million.

What a lucky whore.

Another Cross

I don't know why but this memory came back to me today...

************************************************************
When I was waiting for a my second set of labs to come back from the ob's office during my 4th pregnancy I was at an infertility training for mental health professionals. Ironic, I know.

When I got the news that my pregnancy was going to once again fail I was devastated. I just cried and cried. My first set of numbers looked very promising and my progesterone was through the roof, measuring 37. It was awful. I could barely re-group.

I was with a friend, who was about 7 months pregnant, and she was asking me what there was to do. I told the truth,

"There is nothing to do. I wait to miscarry."

"How long could that take?"

"Anywhere from today to another week. Depends on how fast my numbers drop."

"That has to be awful... you just have to wait for that? I would much rather not be able to get pregnant at all then to keep miscarrying."

"Me too."
******************************************************************************

Not that I am trying to belittle the experience of others. Those who struggle to become pregnant have their own crosses to bear. I only have my experience to draw from and the pain and loss of multiple miscarriages is devastating and excruciating. You feel so alone and isolated and there is likely no one in your life who can understand. The irrational thoughts and fears are abundant in this world. To come so close just to have it taken away. Again. To be told 'no' once again. This painful experience is beyond what words can express. I often feel trapped in race, that not only did I not sign up for, but one that I cannot win. No matter how hard I train I am always being told it wasn't quite enough.

Not that I would wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish I could bear someone else's cross. Just for a little while.

What Has Gone On Since Mexico

While I was away, our RE’s office submitted our request to have the IVIg covered. It was declined (no surprise there). By the time I spoke RE’s office again, this past Friday, they had already sent in their appeal. I spoke with Nurse Nice and she said, “We don’t give up that easily.” She said that they sent in the appeal with all the updated information and statistics. Nurse Nice did admit that some had agreed to pay after an appeal was made. However, because we have the state health plan ours was not likely to be overturned.

I asked what my levels were and she told me that it didn't really matter because they were abnormal. Either way this was the treatment that I needed. She did say that if costs were too high that when we came in for our consult with Dr. K that other options would be discussed. Again, if there really are other options, I am just glad to know she is willing to talk about them to me.

It was nice to feel like there was someone else who was fighting for me besides me. I love L but he doesn't do the research I do or understand what hormones mean and their purpose. He tries but I am not sure I would be as invested or understand as much if I were a male. He supports me but usually by saying, "Whatever you want" or "Whatever makes you comfortable."

I spoke briefly with the company who would be doing my transfusion. They were actually the first ones to tell me that my claim was denied. She answered some of my questions and told me that the treatment is done by a nurse inside the home, which made me feel better. It seemed like there were less complications related to logistics with that. Dr. K would make recommendations on the number of units based up on the person, usually between 25-40mg. The levels are re-tested every month to see if further treatment is needed. Again, I found this comforting because it seems my dr didn't want to do anything unnecessary. Each unit is $100.00 and then some additional fees. She did tell me that they give cash discounts if insurance will not cover it. It's something so I will take it.

I will schedule my saline u/s as soon as AF arrives and then we will talk about the treatment and possibly other options.
************************************************

On a much more hopeful note a friend of mine, a fellow RPL’er, found out that she is pregnant. She told me that her numbers look better than they ever had and while trying to not get too hopeful, they have reason to be. She has had four pregnancies and none have ever progressed past 6 weeks. Please send her prayers and positive energy!

I Have A Secret

Well, it won't be anymore but I feel that I have officially confirmed it today... I ovulated all by myself again while we were in Mexico. My new symptom of random breast tenderness was very prevalent today. That's 4 times in a row for me, 3 since my last m/c. Seriously amazing for this PCOS'er!

I went from a 29 day cycle month, to a 49 day cycle month, back to (about) 35 day cycle month.

My OV watch went out while in Mexico so I decided to check things out the old fashioned way. Upon another inspection the following day, I found that I was too late, I had already o'ed. I haven't told L because I don't want him to worry but did hint today that I should be seeing AF in a couple of weeks. I am not sure how I feel about all this so I am just going to take it in stride. I'm just happy I o'ed all by myself again.

I guess we'll see if I really do become pregnant every time egg and sperm are present.

Hola!

Well, I am back and it appears we made it out right before Hurricane Dean. I know it's corny and cheesy, but I hope that everyone there will be alright. So frightening to think of all that those people could lose including thier lives.... (silent prayers to them).

It was wonderful, I actually recommend that you all blow your fertility money on a vacation, because all we have to do is "relax" right? "If you relax then you'll get pregnant- don't worry so much" (groan.... how 'bout a shut the hell up for you?)

Seriously, we had a great time and loved it. We never left the resort, except to go shopping one time in Playa. We laid on the beach, read books, went swimming, and ate. Then ate some more.

Since being back, for less than 24 hours, I already have info from the fertility war front and my RE's office has been working hard for me, L, and my future family. I promise that I will update on that later.... I have to catch up on work stuff and our bedroom looks like our suitcases exploded. So lots of laundry, woo hoo!

Thanks to those who let me know they read my blog... even if it's just a few, it's nice to know that I don't talk to myself ALL the time...

I'm Chile! (But Still Going To Mexico)

You're Chile!

You're really skinny, and kind of bumpy in frame, but you're not as
rough a person as you used to be. You like long, long, long walks on the beach and avoiding having your rights violated, just like anybody else does. You're even willing to stand up to those with more power and influence than you, trying to bring them to justice. Fight the man!

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

This came to me courtesy of Leah, thanks! I am still trying to get the personality test downloaded!
**************************************************************************

Yeah! Fight the man! (I am not sure who the man is though) Who is the man? Discuss.....

So I am a Chile but L and I leave for our vacation to Mexico today. We fly out at the ass-crack of dawn on Monday so we are spending the night at his parents house since they live about 30 minutes from the airport. It's gonna be sooooo nice... it's a resort outside of Play del Carmen. After our last loss we decided to take the rest of our fertility money and have some fun with it. (It's strange I know, to think that fertility treatments aren't fun... who doesn't love a 1in. needle? It's just us and the heroin heads ladies!)

So I am off... not sure if anyone reads this blog but I thought someone might care.

Adios!

17 Children And 'Thriller'

Don't get me wrong I want children (duh, otherwise I wouldn't be here)
but I think that this woman takes it to the extreme. Seriously, 17
children, all their names start with a 'J'? What the hell? As someone who is in the mental health sector I think this women clearly has some issues to work out... and some OCD around the letter 'J'. Just my opinion though.

However, even if she is crazy, she may be a surrogate resource...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9680098/

*********************************************************
On a lighter note, or more disturbing depending on the point of view, while at yahoo this morning I found the most frightening video clip... it's people re-enacting the video 'Thriller'. However, it should be noted that these people are from the Philippines... and prisoners.

It was too painful for me to watch them all dance while wearing orange.

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=879021&fr=&cache=1

Houston, We Have Found Another Problem (Immune Issue)

It’s been a hell of a week ladies (or gentlemen if you are reading).

Found out that I ovulated this cycle (that’s 3 times in eight months, all by myself, new record for me!) and AF arrived late Saturday so thank you Lord and Universe! I, seriously, could not have handled a pregnancy right now. Until I can figure out a way to really manage my anxiety I don’t want to be pregnant. Too scary…

So we may have found our “why can’t I keep a pregnancy?” answer... or maybe just another answer to the ones I already have because 3 aren’t enough [insert bitter tone and fake smile]

I get the call while looking for quilting fabric for my sister’s baby (this will be her second)… so it was “super fun” and I couldn’t ask a whole lot of questions.

Dr. K’s nurse called today, Nurse Nice (‘cause she really is). While my NK (Natural Killer) came back normal my Leukocyte Antibody Detection (LAD) did not. It has thrown me for a serious loop. After a year and a half, of hearing “Everything came back normal” I am in shock… a daze if you will. What? What does that exactly mean?

As best I can figure out, your body naturally has white blood cells (these are Leukocytes). In pregnancy you are supposed to create antibodies to those blood cells so that it doesn’t attack the baby, making the uterus and sac a ‘safe haven’. My body does not create the antibodies my baby needs for protection. The treatment…

IVIg - a.k.a a blood transfusion given starting the month you plan to be pregnant, then again once pregnancy is confirmed, and possibly given every 4 weeks until you are 30 weeks along. This is about $3,000-5,000 per treatment (of COURSE there is no insurance coverage silly!). I read an article that talked about 6 studies that were done using IVIg. I cut and pasted the study that appeared to pertain to my situation the best….

***In a randomized controlled trial, the effect of IVIG was assessed in patients expected to have a poor outcome if untreated, i.e., women with five or more abortions, who have aborted AFTER paternal leukocyte immunization or who continue to abort despite expressing anti-paternal complement dependent antibody22. Seventy-six women received IVIG in a dose of 400 mg/kg body weight, in one day (total 30-45 g) in the follicular phase of a cycle in which pregnancy was planned. A booster dose was administered when pregnancy was diagnosed. Their results were compared to an untreated control group of 74 women. The results showed that thirty-five (49%) pregnancies in treated women have resulted in live births or passed their previous stages of abortion compared to 23 (31%) in control patients (P=0.04). In conclusion, these figures indicate that IVIG may prevent further miscarriages in this poor prognosis population. These figures are especially significant considering the doubt concerning the efficacy of IVIG in patients with three miscarriages and therefore a relatively good prognosis.***

However, another more promising study said,

***Group 1 was women who had a history of three or four spontaneous abortions; group 2 was women who had a history of five or more spontaneous abortions5. Antibody production was reported to relate to an increased live birth rate in both groups. In women with 3-4 abortions, live births increased from 18.5 to 53.7%, and in women with five or more abortions, live births increased from 44.4 to 67.5%. Both immunization with paternal leukocytes and expression of anti-paternal antibodies were associated with an increase in live birth rate in subsequent pregnancy.***
www.oxhp.com/secure/policy/immunotherapy_for_recurrent_pregnancy_loss_607.html

(When for the love of God are we going to STOP using the word abortion when it comes to miscarriages??? Get with it medical field! I always feel so insulted when I read those words. Not that I have a problem with women who choose that, it’s just that I WANTED my baby.)

Again, no guarantees here. Some people make it, some don’t (shouldn’t we be guaranteed something after all of our tears and pain?) Of course I would like to think that I would be in the favorable odds. However, that hasn’t gotten me very far in the past. I certainly never thought I would have 1 miscarriage let alone 5… or be considered a part of a “poor prognosis population.”

What happened to the days when decisions were easy? Like, grape or cherry? Whip cream with that? Would like butter on that?

Where’s my Decaf Grande Mocha from Starbucks? (said with despair and desperation)

**********************************
More IVIg article links- http://www.inciid.org/article.php?cat=&id=278

www.obgyn.net/displayarticle.asp?page=/firstcontroversies/prague1999daya4

Why is Nicole Richie Pregnant?

Nicole Richie is a person I can completely unleash my bitterness on. After all, I don't know her personally so that makes it better, right?

*Warning- Rant*

How in the HELL does it make any sense that SHE gets to become pregnant and likely to carry to full term and not me? Don't get me started about the possibility of Britney Spears being pregnant for the third time and NOT knowing who the father is. Hello? Isn't that a little whorish?

See, now I am just getting ugly about these whores who likely don't even care! It is things like this that make me irate for all of us in the infertility world! They are just a bunch of lucky, drunk-ass bitches who don't care...

What about Hillary? Do you think that Hillary Duff is like "Joel, what the hell man?"

Bitterness and Hurt Feelings (My Bad!)

I don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings, it’s truly not in my nature, (I actually resent the fact that I have feelings of bitterness- ironic, huh?). This is just such a difficult time and you can never explain to people who haven’t been there. Infertility fucking sucks (no pun intended)!

~Sometimes I don’t even feel like I fit in the infertility world. I am an RPL’er, I am not INfertile. As a matter of fact the only thing I do well is GET pregnant. I just can’t seem to carry to term to save anyone.~

I digress… I really don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings. I have a friend who has a blog and is getting ready to have her 1st baby. She had all these responses from SAHMs and women with children. I was congratulating her on her soon to be baby and I said, “Do you know anyone who doesn’t have kids?” Yikes… if I could only take that back. In my head I said it full of bitterness and I WAS bitter so I sent it. I just get bitter. I have very bitter moments. Bitter moments are not pretty…

Then last night my pregnant sister, who is having her second and is due one month before I was this last time, and I had a this brief conversation,

S- “I hate my swollen feet.” (said with exasperation)

Me- “Well, at least you get to have swollen feet.” (I really said to give perspective I wasn’t meaning to be bitter or mean ‘cause she was in a bad mood anyways- alright, I was feeling little bitter because I saw her ultrasound pics of this pregnancy in a cute little photo album- while I am still trying to figure out what to do with one I have of my baby who is not longer alive-see bitterness again...)

S-“ I was just making an observation.”

Me- “Sorry, I really was tying to give a different perspective.”

S- “Why do people think that giving a different perspective will make things better?”

I did later apologize if I hurt her feelings, just as I did to my friend. I really don’t mean to but it’s so infuriating at times. I know that after I all I have gone through they get it… they know it’s hard for me but they don’t get it, you know? Pregnancy came so easy to them… carrying to term came so easy for them. 5 miscarriages later I am still sitting here… waiting and wondering.

I know that this isn’t easy for them and I know that pregnancy can’t be fun (as I have only experienced 2/3 of the first trimester). I would give anything to be where they are… I look at them and I think, “Why not me?” (this goes back into the post “This is my journey…”)

Which brings me to something I often wonder about…

I can’t help but think sometimes, that if I ever do become an earthly mom, I will have such a different (I do mean different not greater) appreciation for my child and my pregnancy aches and pains. Do women with secondary infertility feel the same way when it finally becomes their turn again? Do they feel luckier or more blessed?

I know that they must struggle with different thoughts and emotions. Thinking that their body was able to do it once, why not again? The sorrow they must feel while holding thier little one while going through a miscarriage or the arrival of AF (yet again). I am confident that secondary infertility is another Catch-22. But do you look at your pregnancy differently the second time around?

2nd Opinion- The 'Fetal Pole' Opposite

Survey says... (something very different from the first)!

I thought that I should update on our second opinion. It was VERY different from the first. I have to say that I liked Dr. K better, overall in mannerisms and based her opinions in a logical and empirical thought.

We all know that it's hard to summarize RE consults but I will try my best...

1st- agreed that some immune testing is legitimate. So L (hubby) and I gave blood for Leukocyte Antibodies Detection (LAD) and I just gave blood for Natural Killer Cells (NK). The IVIg treatment is not that sound as it seems that everyone gets a different result. However, those with secondary infertility see the greatest success.

2nd- egg quality is not the major issue. She said that 'bad eggs don't get fertilized... and you become pg very easily.'

3rd- she is not sure Metformin is right for me due to my consistent physical reactions. Perhaps Met could be a bigger hardship then the possible benefits.

4th- suggested that I re-do the glucose/ insulin challenge (this would be the third time).

5th- wants to get a saline u/s done to make sure there were no polyps, scar tissue, or residual tissue from the last pg. She wants to make sure that nothing is impeding implantation. Of course this is done Cycle day 7-9.

6th- a u/s while we were there. It appeared I had some more muscle on the top of my uterus (what no one has ever said that to be before?!) She showed me where it was and then showed me how my uterus is slightly heart shaped. She said that it wasn't enough to impede implantation or require surgery (whew!).

Final opinion- doing whatever it was were doing the last time since that had worked the best... (funny, that was a natural conception), then she laughed and said, 'You have had a wide variety of pregnancies'. Thinks that we will get there but we just have to get all the factors to line up.

Q: Why was my injectable cycle (3rd pg at old RE) and my Letrozole cycle (4th pg at current RE) were so very different?

A: Hard to say. The low prog. (3rd pg) could have been from the fact that I had low quality eggs and but that the number was more indicative of the pg failing from the beginning. The Letrolzole cycle (4th time) she said that while the prog. level was great, the lining was 'okay', and this was my chemical pg, but something could have gone wrong during cell/dna division.

She said that so much of this field is unknown, that it doesn't always make sense, and there are so many things that can go wrong that we just can't see.

Q: can APA's change during pg?

A: Yes, sometimes they do. However, any APA issues should have been taking care of by the Lovenox. (I think that I might get them tested the next time I am pg since I know what they are while not.)

Plan: See what the b/w looks like and do the saline u/s and go from there. She did suggest that we start Lovenox from ovulation the next time.

Saw my ob (love her and started doing testing after my 2nd loss) today for a diaphragm ( I would like to say they are slippery little suckers and they really can get stuck, Carrie Bradshaw wasn't kidding!)

Ob's thoughts on opinions (because I am kinda lost between the two and I really trust her)

Ob: I don't really understand why your 1st opinion recommended DE. If all your losses had been the same I understand but they have been a variety, especially after the last one with a heart beat. Wait for your tests to come and rest until then.

If you aren't using hormones to regulate your cycles (cause I am sick of pumping my body full of hormones) then you may want to get the OV Watch just to see if the continuing the Met is going to give you benefits (in the past it has not). It may just be good see what happens. (I will put in a call SIL as she already has one.)

Q: How can I lower my LH if I am not using hormones?

A: Diet, exercise, and using Metformin.

Q: The second opinion says that I don't have insulin levels tested and wants to re-test.

A: No we have them (flip, flip, flip)... you came up normal on the first one for fasting and insulin. On the second one... your last fasting was elevated slightly but the insulin was fine.

Q: I forgot to ask while at the RE... my breasts have been sore since the last m/c. I also getting some discharge (TMI, but isn't that what fertilty is about?) should I get my prolactin levels checked again?

A: Yes, and we will also look at your TSH again... thyroid problems can mess with your hormones. I would hate to miss something.

So, L is frustrated because he was expecting our 2nd (Dr. K) to agree with the 1st RE (Dr. P).

So there is a part of me that feels like we are back to square one in trying to decide what we want to do. Ugh... I know that once a decision is made my husband will still not want to move forward until after the new year. So I guess that's good since there is no pressure to make one, but a pain cause when we do I will be ready to move on it. So there it is... my second opinion, sorry this so long! It really is shorter than the first one I wrote (scary I know!) Feel free to give feedback if you want...

Harry Potter and the New RE

Don't you think that would make a great book?? Do magical people have fertility problems? Or can they just wave a wand, do a little charm? And are they willing to help Muggles? How would the HSG work in thier world... do they have egg donors? What about sperm analysis? hmmmm...

I LOVED the last book in the series and felt that it gave me the closure I needed. Today, I was at Starbucks reading some of the book and gentleman pretty much laughed at me and said,

"Good book?"

"Yes, it's getting really intense right now..."

"I can tell, I have been watching you read it." He said this all while laughing...

I realized after he said that I had unconsciously put my hand over my mouth and then placed it on my chest.... during that portion of the book I was thinking, "Oh my god... what are they going to do?" So good... so, so good....

The RE does really tie into this (not Harry Potter, but this post), I have my second opinion tomorrow. Little nervous but H.P came through for me like a tri- wizard champ, what greater distraction could a girl ask for?

This Is My Journey... Not Yours or Hers

Today, I went to the RPL message board... when I was pg the last time there were 3 of us who found out together. When I first realized there were 3 of us I immediately thought, 'One of us isn't going to make it... while I don't want this for anyone, please let it finally be my turn to make it.'

Maybe it was that secret wish I had for it to finally be my turn that sealed my fate, but I was the one who didn't make it. The other two have gone on to have healthy pregnancies so far. One of the women who made it posted today and it just made me so very sad for myself. Looking again at what I have lost. We were due about a day apart... I should be 18 weeks along but here I am heading into a 2nd opinion appt on Monday.

I started to cry a little and then had to start reminding myself, this is my journey. Your journey, her journey... it's different from mine. Mine is unique and has it's own destination that has yet to be revealed. I cannot compare myself to others, otherwise, all I do is belittle myself, what I have gone through, what I have overcome, and what I still have to accomplish.

This brings me to something that I have noticed has changed for me over the past couple of months. In the past when I have thought of wishes or wants I would always think, 'I want a healthy baby born full term who can live a long healthy life here on earth' (I always try to be very descriptive in what I wish as God and the universe have a sick sense of humor at times). As I continued to m/c I wondered if the reason why was because of what I wished for the baby, a long healthy life. I don't think that any potential mother would wish any less though.

However, instead of wishing for this when I am not pg, I have started wishing for something different. I have started wishing for happiness, no matter how this journey ends. Try as I might to make this happen, to help this wish and want along, I cannot control this (Lord knows it is not from a lack of trying!) So I will continue to put myself in the path that leads to a family but in the end of my journey I just want happiness. I have started to wonder if maybe my ultimate happiness is not wrapped in a traditional family, maybe it's something else. After all, this is my journey...

How Fertility Treatments Are Like Football

First you have your Defensive Team. This team consists of all your dr's (ob's, RE's, hematologists, peri's, and of course the all important dr's nurses- they don't get enough props!) and these people are your coaches. This is when you are taking all your meds in preparation for your treatment and having a lot of team meetings in preperation to overthrow your stupid body, I mean... treatment cycle.

Then you have the Offensive Team. This team is compiled of all your meds that you are taking while you are actually in a cycle. Clomid, Letrozole, Follistim, Lupron.... pretty much anything that includes a needle or screws with your hormones goes here. And lucky you (me) we get to be the star... cause we are the quarterback of the team. Without us, well, none of this would be happening (do really think a man could do all this? I don't think so!)

Then of course there is Special Teams. This team is your yoga teacher, acupuncturist, your holistic dr's, and of course the all important cheerleaders. These are the people that you may utilize at any time during your treatment however, you (or me- in my opinion) are usually most active with them during the 2ww. Anxiety is at all time high at this point (and for us RPL'ers absolutely the entire first trimester- heart beat or not) and you need a lot of help relaxing.

When you are in a holding pattern, well that's pretty obvious. You are on hold due to waiting for something to happen. Maybe it's AF, ovulation, the dr's put you on hold, or perhaps you boldly put yourself on hold. Either way, you are in a holding pattern.

Now if only we could fingure out a way to get paid for this stuff instead of always shelling the money out!

It's 1 am I Must Be Lonely

Well, it's actually after 1 am, so does it still count? I am a contract worker at my first job which means I don't have a steady income (thanks goodness my husband does!) So I took a second job doing something completely non-emotional (my contract job draws a lot of emotional energy out of me) to help float us through the times when my paychecks are small.

The downside to this is that it's doing stock work at clothing store. This means that I have to get up two times a week at 4:45 am so that I can leave by 5:30 and get to the store by 6 am. Which in general not THAT big of a deal. The work is mindless and the extra money (about $150.00 every two weeks really helps out.) The problem is, that I get so worried about sleeping through my alarm that I can't go to sleep (hence, my 1am entry). So, if I am lucky I get 2-3 hours of sleep on the days when I work there and then I am useless after 2pm. I still need to be on my game for my first job (which I usually go to after I end my 2nd one). Again, not such a big deal but it's starting to wear on me. I get so irritated when I am laying in bed staring at the ceiling and all I can think is "I just want to sleep already!" One night I got so mad about it I started crying! On one level this is helping us pay for our future fertility treatments, on another, this can't be helpful for my fertility. It's the catch-22 coming back into my life....

One night I was able to fall asleep by 10pm, slept right through until the alarm went off. I totally handled the day fine. Why can't I do that every time? Then it would all be fine. What to do, what to do.... ideas?

Hope, the Forever Catch- 22

I was dumb enough to believe that I was really going to carry my last baby to full term. I was so dumb and got so comfortable that I actually looked at cribs… I hate the fact that we know our due date. I know that if one of my friends said that to me I would tell them they weren't dumb. They were hopeful and that there was nothing wrong with hope. Hope is a catch-22 my friends... it has two sides and no one ever really talks about the down side of hope.

At the end of this month, we are to take a trip with my in-laws. In April, when I was still pregnant, I thought about this… I would be close to or just over 5 months. I thought perhaps we will have had our u/s by then, we had considered finding out the sex but not telling anyone. His family would have been bugging us to know and we would just smile and say we just say we didn’t know.

I was also due approximately one month behind my sister. So when I thought about this I thought, I will be 8 months pregnant when I go to meet my new niece or nephew at the hospital. The nurses will make jokes and ask if I was there to deliver. I thought that I would just laugh, rub my belly and say, “No, we should have another month left.”

I thought about if we would send late Christmas cards announcing our new family member. About how I would have to bake most of the Christmas cookies early because I would be tired from being so far along in the pregnancy and about how different Christmas would be with a newborn. What things would our family get for our new one? Would they want a list of things he or she still needed? I thought about rocking our new baby to sleep in our rocking chair next to the brightly lit tree… none of that is going to happen now. Another Christmas will have come and gone and still no baby.

I realized tonight as time goes on (that's the funny thing about time, it keeps going even when you don't want it to) that these reminders of what I lost will be staring me in the face. Soon it will be August, and my husband and I are taking a long vacation. By the time we get back, August will be half over. Then it will be almost September, then September will fly by and the next thing I know it will be November. I will be visiting my new niece or nephew, my stomach will look normal and flat. Then I will be missing my mom because the second anniversary for her death will have come. Then it will be December 16th and there will be no baby for me to hold.

I am tired of having to rework my thoughts into what I will have and focusing on what I do have. Eventually, I end up seeing, again, what I have lost. I wish I wouldn't have to look so hard for the positive. I am tired of feeling empty armed, I miss my babies. I am missing what I have lost. Does that ever change? Will there ever be a day when I don't miss them and wish so deeply they were here with me?

See? Fat lot of hope did for me!

Recommendations after 5th Loss

Alright, I am about 10 days out from my second opinion, so here was my 1st opinion, from my current RE after our 5th loss.

So I will try to give a short, overall picture of what my RE said in our latest consult, that will be any easy task right? :) Who am I kidding this won't be short, if you make it all the way through this, then you should get yourself a treat at the end! Oif you get it now it may help keep your attention? Who knows... anyways....

First, let's start by saying that I had another d&c done (this would be loss 3 and 5) because I went through three natural m/c's and discovered that if I ever give birth I WILL want drugs.

So of course our baby's tissues came back normal (I hate using the word fetus and I HATE the term products of conception, as if you can just swing by the store to get a baby! If only it were that easy... can I get price check please? Yes, ma'am, that will be $12,000 not including tax, did you pgd with that? Sorry, I digress...) Again, my husband and I were not surprised by this although the RE said he was. He said that the fetal size was small in relation to the gestational sac and that it is usually an indicator of a chromosome problem, especially after the loss of a heartbeat. Since the test came back normal he could not explain this miscarriage (shocker!)

We talked about other issues, clotting issues that haven't been found (said that they would have been addressed through the Lovenox shots) incompetent cervix (no, your losses have been to early to indicate that), constricted uterine veins (no, the 1000mg of met should have addressed that), auto-immune/ immune issues? He doesn't not believe that the studies are valid enough to conduct the testing. An example he gave was that in a smaller study two blood samples were taken from the same person at the same time and sent to two different labs. One came back positive the other was negative (I can't remember what the immune issue was). Now I realize there are thousands of women out there who disagree but these are his reasons and his opinions. He did say that there was another RE in the practice who did some work with auto-immune issues if we were interested in that area, as it was out of his expertise.

So of course we started talking IVF (which he told us that during the consult after our 4th loss that we would not be jumping the gun to go IVF.)

He said that if there is a chromosome error then it is not in a DNA sector that is regularly tested. So if we did IVF w/ PGD it would do us any good because the test wouldn't find anything anyways. He said he believed it to be an egg quality issue due to my history and my most recent m/c. He started to hem and haw little bit, not really giving any information but just talking (you know what I mean ladies...)

So I said, "If I were your daughter or daughter-in-law and I gave you file to look at, what would you tell me to do?" He stumbled over some words then simply said, "I would tell you to go IVF with egg donor." He further said, "5 miscarriages is a lot (insert name here)." For him to say this to me, says a lot. His area of research and expertise is women with PCOS and recurrent miscarriage, these are the people he sees all day long. As far I am concerned, his opinion says a lot to me.

Well... I was expecting IVF just not egg donor straight off the bat. So I was a little taken back. However, I asked for his opinion and he gave it to me. He believes this to the most effective route for my husband and I to have a family. I appreciate his candor and honesty. He also told us that he welcomed a second opinion if that was what we wanted and recommended a couple of RE's...

So we set up an appt with the RE in his office who looks at auto-immune issues and hopefully other immune issues are well. The new RE, Dr. K, is also the director of IVF and her expertise is in egg donor and treating menopausal women. I think she will have some interesting things to say.

I am hoping that she will do some immune testing just so that we will know that we are up against. If the tests come back inconclusive, then I think that says something as well. I am not crazy about the treatment of the immune issues but I would like to make an informed decision.

That appt is at the end of the month so hopefully we will get some testing and results back before the end of the year. My husband and I decided it was best to take the rest of the year off and start again in 2008. It's hard because I am kinda ready now, so I know that I will be chomping at the bit by November.

Alright so this wasn't so short but now I have discussed the history of it all. So now we just wait for our second opinion to start making more concrete decisions.... now go get yourself a treat!

"Aunt Jane" Reared Her Ugly Head Today

Well, the title says it all...

I was at work, my part-time job, and my co-worker says... "Are you and your husband thinking about kids?"

Me- "Well, to be honest we have been trying for 2 years and are having a lot of trouble, but yes, we want kids."

Her- "Oh... well have you thought about adoption?"

Me- "Yes, we just aren't there yet. It's important to me (us) to carry a pregnancy."

Her- "Oh, yeah."

(Insert bitter, annoyed tone below)
I'm sorry did you say adoption??? Gosh, never thought of that.... your a freakin' genius.

I want to be many things

I wish that I could make wanting to be a mother not define me. It's not all of me, just a part of me. I am many things... a daughter, sister, friend, co-worker, wife... RPL survivor. I tell myself these things intellectually, in my head, but emotionally, in my heart, I am just not there yet.

But I allow myself to be defined by something I most desperately want, that's to be a mom. I hate it when I define myself as someone who cannot be a mom, someone who is having serious trouble becoming a mom, or is struggling to become an earthly mom. I don't want it to define me and my life. I want my happiness, I deserve my happiness. I cannot allow this one chapter, or hat define my happiness, otherwise what happens if it doesn't happen? What happens to me then?

Woo Hoo!!!

Something to celebrate!!!!! One of my friends, who started this journey before I did, is finally pregnant!!!! When I heard from her I was happy for her I cried!!!!!! Oh gosh, it's just a joy to see people who keep trying to overcome hurdles finally make it...

I am overjoyed for you hun, so, so, happy! Yeah for you and baby!!! I wish so deeply that this is your earth baby! Hugs always

The Irony of RPL

It's hard to believe it but there is irony in the world of Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL). It pretty much sucks about 98% of the time. I am not quite sure what the other 2% would be... maybe it's the time when we are in a holding pattern (I have a whole theory on that) or maybe it's just the optimist in me... who knows.

Irony #1- In the time that I have had 5 m/c's, my sister will have given birth to two healthy babies.

Irony #2- For all the times and length of each of my pregnancies, I have been pregnant a total of 10 months

Irony #3- For all that time I was pregnant why the hell don't have a healthy baby by now???

Irony #4- I am only 29 and I have been recommended egg donor. When all the other 29 year- olds out there are laughing, living it up, and giving birth to healthy children. Lucky whores...

Irony #5- I am finally apart of the top 2% group, RPL'ers make up only 2% of the fertile-fertility group! It may not be Mensa, or considered "the top 2%" but it seems I am special after all, in my very own way...

Irony #6- with all the blood I give, over 10 viles in last pregnancy, I think my body goes into convulsions when I stop... it's like withdrawal from getting poked with needles (now that irony!)

RPL: Diagnosis 101

Let's go over what was found last year, as Leah asked what has been done (thanks for caring Leah)...

Well, to sum it up everything but immune testing.

HSG (check) Looked good, slightly tipped uterus but nothing that should impede implantation

Thyroid panel (check) Looked good

Clotting panel (check) Not so good, Factor V Clotting Disorder (treating with Lovenox once I get a positive pg test)

Homocytine (check) Not so good, it was elevated (I lowered from a 12 to a 7 by taking a complex B vitamin with extra folic)

Folic (check) Not so good, I wasn't getting enough (I now take a prenatal the month I start a cycle that has extra folic and is more easily absorbed by the body)
FYI: B vitamins cannot work right unless you have the correct amount of Folic, they are inter-dependent on each other and no dr told me this. I discovered it after my 3rd loss through my own research

FSH (check) Looked good, it was a 6

LH (check) Not so good, it was elevated (FSH and LH ratio need to be close to 1:1, mine was 1:2)

Ovaries (check) Not so good, lots of little cyst

Pa/Maternal Chromosomes (check) Good, no translocations/ balance

Cystic Fibrosis (check) Good, came back negative

MTHFR (check and re-checked) Good, came back negative

Diagnosis:
PCOS (elevated LH, cystic ovaries, long painful periods accompanied with anovulation and I carry my weight in the middle)

Factor V Clotting Disorder w/out MTHFR

Recurrent Pregnancy Loss (RPL)

My entire diagnosis puts me a higher rate of miscarriage than the normal person... well, I guess it's something!

My Angel Babies

My 1st Angel Baby Born, November 2005
My 2nd Angel Baby Born, January 2006
My 3rd Angel Baby Born, October 2006
My 4th Angel Baby Born, February 2007
My 5th Angel Baby Born, May 2007

Not a day goes by when I do not think of you.

Not a day goes by when I don't wish you were here.

Not a day goes by when I don't feel how much I miss you.

Not a day goes by when I don't think about how much I love you.

Not a day goes by when I don't think about how much I want to hold you in my arms.

I still love you all! Say hi to your grandmother for me!!! Love, Mom

Wow, that was a long time ago

I haven't written in this blog in a long, long time... over a year!

Reading my old posts... it amazes me at how far I have come and how little has been accomplished on my road to motherhood.

We did end up going that injectable round, only to miscarry again at 6 weeks. We never made it a heart beat. Had another d&c done... of course the baby's tissue came back normal and no one could answer our question as to why it happened a third time.

Shortly after, we decided to change RE's. I can't tell you how many times we walked into that office and had to re-tell our story to various dr's (because one would always come in before our dr and ask us to review our history). Then on the day when we finally called it quits for that pregnancy our dr didn't even come in to talk to us. It was a devastating place to be in and my dr wouldn't even come see me. The final straw was, that during our follow up visit, she wouldn't answer my question when I asked her, "How likely is it that I can carry a baby to term?" She kept dodging it.

So in January of 07 we started with a new dr. I'll call him Dr. P. Didn't really like him at first. He made me cry in our first consultation and told me that if I didn't takeMetformin, well, there wasn't a lot of hope (I have PCOS). Said that I had to cut my carbs by at least 50%. Put me back on Letrozole. I was so frustrated when he did that... all I did was cry that night. I was taking a step back, not forward. But I did it, then it worked... my body actually ovulated without much help! Miracle!!! Of course we became pregnant, because I do that very well. However, it was a chemical pregnancy. My numbers never got over 300. Well, sh**. So we had another consult... in late March. Little did I know...

I was pregnant again, but this time all on my own. I was in shock and terrified. I hadn't been on any meds. I recently taken back up my Metformin and was alternating 500mg and 1000mg daily... multi-vitamin and aspirin (80mg for my clotting issue). No progesterone, no Lovenox... I thought I was hallucinating when the pregnancy test came out positive. I even took it with me to show my ob's nurse because I thought I was crazy (I am but not for that reason)! I wasn't exactly sure how far along I even was. I had it down to about a week time frame (give or take 3 days either way- one of the times it had come in handy that my husband traveled so much ;) I was very worried that the pregnancy would't work because I hadn't used my 'typical cocktail'...

My numbers were doubling, had them checked 3 times, went in at 6w4d... we had a heartbeat. Everything looked good. Measuring just right... went in at what was to be 8w2d, our heartbeat was gone, our baby measured 7w6d. Shy of our promise land. Just like that... no Christmas baby for me. Again. My heart still breaks thinking about. My little baby gone, just like that. Of course I know my EDD... Dec. 16th. That is going to be a hateful day. I miss all our babies, I would do anything to have them back. I think about all of them everyday, tell them I love them, just like I do my mom.

Our entire family was shocked and devastated for us. We were all so sure that this was going to be the baby that stayed with us. We had never been so far before. Our RE gave us a 20% chance of miscarriage at our 6w appt and 5% if we could get past 8w. We looked at it and said so that's an 80% chance that we will have this baby. We decided to play the odds and let hope rise up... Funny when I read one of my old blogs
and I talked about playing the odds. They haven't worked out so well for us... (Don't get me started on the odds of going through 5 consecutive miscarriages or losing a baby after there is a heartbeat...)

Hope is a double edge sword. We have since had a consult (my RE has REALLY grown on me over the past several months). He may not have the greatest bedside manner all the time, but he doesn't dodge my
questions and I think that I ask pretty hard ones that demand honest answers. He is honest with me, does all my ultra sounds, and tells me if something is outside of his expertise.

Our most recent consult is another blog by its self and we have a second opinion at the end of this month. We'll see how it all pans out but this road to motherhood is difficult. I always knew I would have trouble, but I never thought that it would be keeping my baby. I thought it would be getting there. This has to be one of the most painful roads traveled by women...