I Can't Hear You And I Don't Know Why

While in Mexico my husband and I talked only a little about our fertility issues and what we might want to do.

I prompted a conversation and L started talking about surrogacy again and I could just feel my hands going over my ears. I didn’t want to hear it. Why?

A few other bloggers, unknowingly, brought this back to my attention. Why does this make me want to put my hands over my ears and sing the ‘Smurf’ theme song? Why was Smurfette the only female by the way? Apparently, her fertility was fantastic. What a whore. Sorry, I digress-

All L wanted me to tell him is that it wasn’t off the table. The first time he brought it up I immediately thought, “I would rather adopt.” Period. No discussion. I told him so as well. Turns out that upset him more than he let on at the time. So I told him the truth in Mexico, it wasn’t off the table. Technically, it's not. It's an option I have but I don't have to like it. That being said, I didn’t explain my raw red thoughts about it or my feelings of disdain for it either.

How can I explain it when I don’t even understand my aversion to it? What if, after all this work, the only options left for us are surrogacy, adoption, or living childfree? In theory, I don’t suppose surrogacy is all the different than adopting. You have to trust what the birth mother says. You have to believe that she took care of herself during or throughout her pregnancy. If she states she has not taken any alcohol, illicit drugs, or use something harmful you have to believe her. You also have to trust that the medical history she has given is accurate.

I asked the age old question after my last RE said DE, “What is more important, being mom or carrying the baby?” My response has always stayed the same… I want to carry a baby. With my family health history of cancer and all my fertility issues I knew it would be hard to give up that genetic link but I could do it. In the end, my baby would have a healthier life, I could give him or her a possible genetic edge and, to me, that was an amazing gift. To not face what I am likely too, cancer, or what my other family members have. If I could carry my baby to full term and give them a healthier life- I could do DE. I would feel the baby move. Watch my belly grow. Give birth. Breast feed. All these things, that I so deeply desire, that my words just cannot begin to express. However, through my life experience and work I know that these are not the only things that make a woman a mother. A mother is so much more than than this, so much more... Still, these reasons speak so loud to me. Why?

In surrogacy, I know that I would lose a lot of that, if not all of that. I am sure the medical field has figured out a way to make a woman lactate so I assume there would at least be that for me. However, upon initial thought- surrogacy doesn’t appeal to me. Let’s say though I am able to work past those issues. Then I am left with my most important question, “Who would I trust enough to carry my baby? Who would be the person to carry and keep safe my most precious treasure? Who would protect them as I would and vow to keep them safe at all costs?” Really, who would that be? Who can I put that ultimate trust in? I have no answer.

I asked L to table the discussion and revisit if we get to that point. All I can think now is please let this IVIg treatment work.