This Is My Journey... Not Yours or Hers

Today, I went to the RPL message board... when I was pg the last time there were 3 of us who found out together. When I first realized there were 3 of us I immediately thought, 'One of us isn't going to make it... while I don't want this for anyone, please let it finally be my turn to make it.'

Maybe it was that secret wish I had for it to finally be my turn that sealed my fate, but I was the one who didn't make it. The other two have gone on to have healthy pregnancies so far. One of the women who made it posted today and it just made me so very sad for myself. Looking again at what I have lost. We were due about a day apart... I should be 18 weeks along but here I am heading into a 2nd opinion appt on Monday.

I started to cry a little and then had to start reminding myself, this is my journey. Your journey, her journey... it's different from mine. Mine is unique and has it's own destination that has yet to be revealed. I cannot compare myself to others, otherwise, all I do is belittle myself, what I have gone through, what I have overcome, and what I still have to accomplish.

This brings me to something that I have noticed has changed for me over the past couple of months. In the past when I have thought of wishes or wants I would always think, 'I want a healthy baby born full term who can live a long healthy life here on earth' (I always try to be very descriptive in what I wish as God and the universe have a sick sense of humor at times). As I continued to m/c I wondered if the reason why was because of what I wished for the baby, a long healthy life. I don't think that any potential mother would wish any less though.

However, instead of wishing for this when I am not pg, I have started wishing for something different. I have started wishing for happiness, no matter how this journey ends. Try as I might to make this happen, to help this wish and want along, I cannot control this (Lord knows it is not from a lack of trying!) So I will continue to put myself in the path that leads to a family but in the end of my journey I just want happiness. I have started to wonder if maybe my ultimate happiness is not wrapped in a traditional family, maybe it's something else. After all, this is my journey...