I don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings, it’s truly not in my nature, (I actually resent the fact that I have feelings of bitterness- ironic, huh?). This is just such a difficult time and you can never explain to people who haven’t been there. Infertility fucking sucks (no pun intended)!
~Sometimes I don’t even feel like I fit in the infertility world. I am an RPL’er, I am not INfertile. As a matter of fact the only thing I do well is GET pregnant. I just can’t seem to carry to term to save anyone.~
I digress… I really don’t mean to hurt people’s feelings. I have a friend who has a blog and is getting ready to have her 1st baby. She had all these responses from SAHMs and women with children. I was congratulating her on her soon to be baby and I said, “Do you know anyone who doesn’t have kids?” Yikes… if I could only take that back. In my head I said it full of bitterness and I WAS bitter so I sent it. I just get bitter. I have very bitter moments. Bitter moments are not pretty…
Then last night my pregnant sister, who is having her second and is due one month before I was this last time, and I had a this brief conversation,
S- “I hate my swollen feet.” (said with exasperation)
Me- “Well, at least you get to have swollen feet.” (I really said to give perspective I wasn’t meaning to be bitter or mean ‘cause she was in a bad mood anyways- alright, I was feeling little bitter because I saw her ultrasound pics of this pregnancy in a cute little photo album- while I am still trying to figure out what to do with one I have of my baby who is not longer alive-see bitterness again...)
S-“ I was just making an observation.”
Me- “Sorry, I really was tying to give a different perspective.”
S- “Why do people think that giving a different perspective will make things better?”
I did later apologize if I hurt her feelings, just as I did to my friend. I really don’t mean to but it’s so infuriating at times. I know that after I all I have gone through they get it… they know it’s hard for me but they don’t get it, you know? Pregnancy came so easy to them… carrying to term came so easy for them. 5 miscarriages later I am still sitting here… waiting and wondering.
I know that this isn’t easy for them and I know that pregnancy can’t be fun (as I have only experienced 2/3 of the first trimester). I would give anything to be where they are… I look at them and I think, “Why not me?” (this goes back into the post “This is my journey…”)
Which brings me to something I often wonder about…
I can’t help but think sometimes, that if I ever do become an earthly mom, I will have such a different (I do mean different not greater) appreciation for my child and my pregnancy aches and pains. Do women with secondary infertility feel the same way when it finally becomes their turn again? Do they feel luckier or more blessed?
I know that they must struggle with different thoughts and emotions. Thinking that their body was able to do it once, why not again? The sorrow they must feel while holding thier little one while going through a miscarriage or the arrival of AF (yet again). I am confident that secondary infertility is another Catch-22. But do you look at your pregnancy differently the second time around?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
It's a good question. I don't know because my secondary IF is following on the heels of primary IF. But I'm curious to hear others weigh in.
Here's the Mike's Hard Berry. I think the bitterness is sometimes impossible to suppress completely. I think you can redirect it, but you can't necessarily totally get rid of it. All you can do is apologize and hope the other person apologizes too if they did/said something to bring out that moment.
My secondary IF is after primary IF too. But I did talk about some of what you ask in my post from July 18th (Tired, but Inspired). Check it out if you are interested.
In the meantime, hang in there. I'm thinking of you.
My comment is for the first half of your post because I will never be able to sympathize with what you are going through and empathizing isn't enough so I won't pretend it is! Being your friend means taking the good with the bad and feelings aren't hurt they are just questioned sometimes. I continue to pray for you and know that you will be a mom someday and until that day I will continue to cry with you during the happy and sad times.
I love you bunches!
Post a Comment