Okay... Well... Huh.... Alrighty... Ahhhh... Mmhmm...

I think that I should win an award. Preferably, something that includes a large and hefty stash of money, to help pay for my treatments. Why you ask? Why should this be given to me specifically? What makes me more special than anyone out there in the the IF world? Well, I should tell you that this award would also be titled, "The Most Fertile Infertile Ever."

I think the title of this post captures my first thoughts after taking my pregnancy test. It most definitely did not say "Not Pregnant." My thoughts also included, "I will need to make some phone calls on Monday." These phone calls do not include the happy ones with excitement and smiles to friends and family. That ship has looooong since sailed. These calls will be to my Ob's office and my RE's. Aside from L, these are the next people in my life who learn when I am pregnant. Little sad...

All of my excitement went out with the first 5 pregnancies. That's right, I had some type of excitement with all of my pregnancies. I too was surprised that I was able to hold on to it for that long. The capacity of the human spirit amazes me. It really, really does.

The human spirit is strong in this 'sphere. I have seen women beat the odds, the statistics, and the unknown. All of you are an inspiration with insurmountable grace. I know that many people will not be able to say anything at all to me because it's a reminder of what they have lost or want. The good Lord knows there are enough reminders in our everyday lives and I am sorry that I've added another. I really am. I think of how I have beaten myself up in the past for not being able to overcome my own feelings of sadness in light of someone else's happiness- quite frankly IF has beat me up enough and I have realized I will not help IF with that anymore. I hope you are able to join me in this cause.

With all that being said I, sincerely and kindly, ask you to please, please, please... Do Not wish me congratulations. As you know I have been here before. Many times. 5 to be exact but hey I'm not counting or anything.

Mostly, so far, I feel sad about feeling resigned to my situation and a little scared of what's to come. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, I don't feel like sharing more after this, I don't want to talk with friends and family about it. I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide from it for a little longer. If I can't see it then it's not happening right? I just needed to get all this jumble out of my head. So I appreciate you, if you are reading, at letting me have a sounding board- because that is what I need the most right now. Thank you.

I have a small glimmer of hope, it's my catch-22 after all, but... I know that there is not much more I can do at this point. I must wait and see what happens. Call the dr's offices in the morning to start the labs and see what my RE says about starting IVIg. I will start the progesterone and Lovenox shots tonight. I feel resigned, and maybe even reluctant, to start this process all over again.

If you can- wish me luck ladies because my history says I am going to need it.