Another Cross

I don't know why but this memory came back to me today...

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When I was waiting for a my second set of labs to come back from the ob's office during my 4th pregnancy I was at an infertility training for mental health professionals. Ironic, I know.

When I got the news that my pregnancy was going to once again fail I was devastated. I just cried and cried. My first set of numbers looked very promising and my progesterone was through the roof, measuring 37. It was awful. I could barely re-group.

I was with a friend, who was about 7 months pregnant, and she was asking me what there was to do. I told the truth,

"There is nothing to do. I wait to miscarry."

"How long could that take?"

"Anywhere from today to another week. Depends on how fast my numbers drop."

"That has to be awful... you just have to wait for that? I would much rather not be able to get pregnant at all then to keep miscarrying."

"Me too."
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Not that I am trying to belittle the experience of others. Those who struggle to become pregnant have their own crosses to bear. I only have my experience to draw from and the pain and loss of multiple miscarriages is devastating and excruciating. You feel so alone and isolated and there is likely no one in your life who can understand. The irrational thoughts and fears are abundant in this world. To come so close just to have it taken away. Again. To be told 'no' once again. This painful experience is beyond what words can express. I often feel trapped in race, that not only did I not sign up for, but one that I cannot win. No matter how hard I train I am always being told it wasn't quite enough.

Not that I would wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish I could bear someone else's cross. Just for a little while.