So I have posted here before about the loss of my mom, which will be 3 years in November.
Now, for a minute, I want to reflect on my current situation. I am about to give birth to my first, and possibly, only child. I cannot begin to explain the amount of different emotions this alone brings up for me. Sadness, that I cannot share this experience physically with her. Comfort, in knowing that that she is with me despite our different existences. Jealousy, at knowing that this child will have first hand knowledge of only his paternal grandmother. Hurt, that we will only have pictures of her holding Lil' P and none of my mom. These are just the emotional issues I can come up with off the top of my head.
Now, rewind to approximately to 1-1/2 months ago. My dad decided create a profile for a dating website. I was kind of prepared for this- I know how much he misses the companionship of my mom. He's just lonely and I hate that for him. So when he told my sisters and I about this website we were a little taken back but supportive. In the end we want our dad to be happy, really we do.
My dad said he wasn't doing anything, just seeing who was out there. Wanting to make new connections with people. Exploring. He said that he wouldn't bring anyone around to meet the family unless it was someone who he thought was special. Dad said he wouldn't be with anyone the family didn't like. So I was thinking alright, maybe in a couple of months he will start to see someone... blah, blah, blah. We are all young enough to remember dating and how it all worked. I have time to continue to adjust...
Well, last weekend he went to meet a woman. Alright. I will deal with that. He is meeting her at a place that is not invading my personal space right now. I am still working on adjusting to all this. He had a nice time, she's a nice lady, we like each other... blah, blah, blah. I was and am genuinely glad he had a nice time. THEN...
he comes over for dinner the other night and starts talking about getting remarried and what he will want to leave to his next wife in his will "Well, I can't just leave her out in the cold". Now all I can think is, "Can we please slow down??? You have spent what, 3 days with this chick? You don't know her at all!" I start worrying about this woman, who I don't even know, coming and taking all the money my mom and dad worked so hard to save. I see my mother looking at my father in her 'I can't believe I am hearing this' stance. I tell myself to relax, not to get all worked up because we all know how the dating process works, they aren't just going to jump into marriage. I mean he could just be talking to hear himself talk, right? We haven't even met this women yet. THEN...
he tells me that she might be coming for the weekend. I remind him quietly that we were celebrating my sister, E's birthday, at dinner (we are celebrating mine too although it was a month ago) this upcoming weekend. He says, "Well, what? You don't want her there?" I felt like a deer trapped in headlights. One, no I really don't want her at mine and my sister's birthday dinner. Who would want to meet their possible father's future girlfriend/wife at their birthday dinner I ask you- for the first time? Second, I am not really ready to meet this woman. They have known each other... 2 weeks? And met once? And she is already "special"? Third, I am obviously very pregnant. Not only do I not want to talk about my pregnancy with this woman, God forbid, what if I give birth while she's here??? (I think I may be experiencing prodromal labor but that's another story- focus!) I don't want her at the hospital. I panicked and pawned the decision off on my sister and just said, "Well you should ask E then because it's her b-day dinner". THEN...
I come home today and L says, "I am not trying to send you into labor but Hussie (that's what L and I call her) is coming this weekend". So I start thinking that we can at least move the dinner to Sunday 'cause that is when she is likely to leave, right? So I ask my dad how long Hussie is staying while she is in town. His response you ask??? "We don't know".
I realize this woman could be very nice. She could be a very upstanding person. She could be the long lost twin sister of my mother. I am not ready to meet this woman and I being forced into something I don't want. While I know this is not about me I am making it about me right now. I want my dad to be happy, he deserves it.
There are just too many emotions right now and my hormones and I can't take this. Can't we just slow down for a minute so I can catch my breath? Please?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
ok, I already hate hussie so I've renamed her stupid hussie! Now, I know she might be a really nice person but I would feel exactly the same way you do. The first time I met my father's first girlfriend after the divorce I hated her immediately. Then to top it off she gave me lingerie as my birthday gift. HOLY INAPPROPRIATE!oh, yes I said birthday because I was forced to meet her at my birthday dinner. So, hang in there and hopefully she won't give you underwear as a gift.
WOW! Talk about wrong timing! I know your father is lonely after losing his best friend but this is not the right time to bring her around. Maybe you could try sitting him down and leveling with him. Let him know that although you want him to be happy, you are getting ready for one of the biggest events in your life and are trying to adjust to your mother not being able to be there physically.
Now that the therapeutic side of me has spoken, now for Dana...Oh no she didn't! She should know better! If she knows your dad that well she should know that the timing is inappropriate! Somebody needs to check her!
Wow, I can so relate. But when I went through this, I wasn't about to deliver my first child!! The timing could not be worse. :( I'm sorry.
My parents are divorced, so for me there wasn't that constant twinge of sadness that would be present from losing a parent. However, my maternal grandmother passed away when I was 2. She never met my sister. My mom was 23 when she died, and scared to death of the very same things you mentioned. Even though I don't have any actual memories of my grandmother, she is very much alive for me through stories and photos. We always talked about "Grandma N" like she was there with us. Your love for your mom is so evident in how you talk about her, I'm confident you will pass her love onto Lil' P.
Back to the dad situation - a bit after my parents divorce (I was in college) my dad met a lady on the internet and decided to move 3 states away. We all encouraged him to go because staying near my mom wasn't beneficial to anyone. The lady he met was nice enough, but kinda crazy. They were together for a few years and then broke up (never married). Then we thought he would move back here and things would be back to normal. Then he met another lady on the internet, over Christmas one year. They were married before Easter. She lives on the West Coast, probably 1500 miles away from us now. I do like her, but it was a total shock and surprise that things would move that fast. And again, I'm not trying to compare my situation to yours because Lord knows it's completely different having lost your mom.
What I do think is that both of our dads are a bit blinded by love in that moment. They get a glimpse of something they want - companionship, adult conversations, etc. and they think that's the person for them. If it's possible, I think you should talk to your dad and let him know that you're not ok with this right now. You have too much stress already, and he's adding to it. Maybe in a month or two when things have calmed down, but having her over for a family birthday is not ok.
I think this is the longest comment ever! :) I'll be thinking of you. *hugs*
That is way too much change to have to deal with RIGHT NOW.... or even during the coming year!!!
I have to re-comment because Dana made me pee my pants. I know I should have given you the therapuetic answer but since I'm on a break from that world I think you should just tell them to suck it! But in a nice loving way. And Dana, no you didn't tell her somebody needs to get checked.
We miss and love you guys bunches so please call the SAHM before I have to start stalking you.
Wow. I don't even know what to say...I can totally understand why you are feeling so overwhelmed, there is just a lot going on and you're right, the timing just isn't great. Have you talked about that with your dad? Just saying to him that while you are happy for him, you are dealing with your own emotions in regard to not having your mom around right now and throwing Hussie into the mix might not be the best idea for you emotionally? I think if you frame it that way and share what you've shared here (as in what the loss of your mom will mean for Lil' P) he will understand.
I hope it all works out for you and I'll be thinking of you!!! HUGS!
Thinking about you and your mom a lot these days, as I process my own disappointment that my mom probably won't be able to be here when my baby comes - but she will be here afterwards. I feel for you so much in the continuing stages of loss and grief for your mother. (((((((((hugs)))))))))
I feel like it's happening to me b/c I don't want her there either!! My parents are still around and together, but I know for a fact that if that situation happened with one of them, I'd probably have a come apart (pregnant or not). You're right, she might be a nice person (obviously if your dad likes her, she must have something positive goin' on), but it's completely understandable how you're feeling. And you have every right to. Have you talked to your sister about how she feels? Maybe you both could sit down with your dad and just let him know how you're feeling and your hesitation and why? I would def make sure to let him know your feelings ahead of time about not wanting her at the hospital for lil' p's birth. Best to get that out of the way (even if this weekend still happens) so that you don't have to stress about it when the day comes.
I'm sending ((hugs)) your way and strength to get through this.
I hope you can make your dad realize that the method and timing of bring this new woman into his daughters' lives could "make it or break it" as far as future relationships go. In the event this is going to be a long-term relationship, wouldn't it be best if everyone was introduced as they were emotionally ready for it?
I feel for the emotions you are experiencing regarding the loss of your mother, combined with the birth of your first child. I am due tomorrow, and my husband lost his beloved mother in August. He is also experiencing some fresh grief and complex emotions at this time... I think the word "bittersweet" best describes it. But I think the bittersweet will be overwhelmed by sheer joy once the baby arrives : ) I also think the hole in his heart will get a little smaller on that day, with so much love and happiness that the little one will bring.
Best of luck to you-- and I hope you don't go overdue, as I am almost certain to. It's a real pain!
Post a Comment