When It Rains

Which is no way an intended pun off one of my recent posts... (but still a little funny.)

Things have not started out well for L and I this year. As you can tell by the above mentioned post and now this post... (sigh.)

Well, tonight L came home with some disappointing news. He is about to start his last semester in his Master's program and his office knows that we have our first baby on the way so people were working on making very cool things happen for us- all in the finance department.

His direct boss, his bosses boss, and the bosses bosses boss (can you follow that?) had worked hard in the month of December to plan out the best way to get L the increase in pay he (we) need to take care of our family. Also, this plan was a way to keep L at this company as his current pay is not what it currently should be and once he completes his Masters he could easily command 3 times his current salary (after all one gets a Master's degree for the increase in pay- not the for the sake of knowledge its self... In this family we can be bought!)

So back to point... They had a great plan to maximize L's salary so that by this time next year he would be making close to an extra $1000.00 a month- after taxes. Awesome, right? It may not be what he could command elsewhere but it would be enough and L really does like it there. Well, the approval for the raise made it through 4 tiers (they have some serious red tape) and when it landed on the Sr. Vice President's desk, the last and final frontier of the half-year salary increases, for approval... it got denied. This increase in pay was not astronomical by any means- he has never gotten a raise and has been there two years as a student worker and 3 years as a full time employee. It was just time to show some appreciation.

What is frustrating is that where L works and how things are set up, the raise would have cost the company at large nothing. The raise would have been paid out the budget of his direct boss (which is one of the only sectors that actually makes money in the company) because they are set up like a private business within another business.

L is just so disappointed as well as is his boss and the upper level boss. The upper level boss is going to appeal it and talk to the VP next week... I am just so disappointed for him. He really wants to stay but at the amount he is getting now, even after he gets his degree raise in May, it's just not worth it. This increase is what was going to make it worth while in the end. I hope this appeal works. The another irritating consequence is that if L leaves his boss will likely have to hire someone at a higher salary rate then what L's final salary would have been (idiotic VP douche bag!)

We were also counting on that raise to help us save over the next couple months and to help us pay for part-time daycare costs once I go back to work, as we are still dependant on my check. Oy, vay...

With all that being said, Alison, reminded me of a thought that I had earlier today. Everything happens for a reason. I don't have to like it along the way but I need to learn to accept that life will unfold like it's supposed to. I need to learn to trust and focus on that thought right now.

Think, Think, Think...

I have been thinking a lot about the birth experience I want lately.

I realize that I have difficulty doing things differently from my family, particularly my sisters. I am a little enmeshed, I can say this about my self since I am a mental health therapist- we need to know our issues! Also, while hiring a doula has GREAT benefits and is a tax write-off (the one I would like to hire is going to be about $500.00) I can't seem to decide anymore if it's what I really want. There is this practical side of me that is kicking in and wondering if I should be spending $500.oo when we have some other expenses like our new baby... and of course the unexpected expense of the roof and basement (oh, and I think my hard drive might going). I realize that my comfort should not have a "price"- but doesn't everything?

Many of my previous thoughts have remained- I am very much afraid of going through childbirth. What is it exactly that I am afraid of is not quite clear. Maybe it's going through it without my mom physically present, perhaps it's fear of the pain (well, I know it's that), or the unknown. What has changed in my thought process that would have me wanting an epidural (due to a painful miscarriage I had) to wanting natural childbirth? Can the comfort that I am looking for or wanting really come from a doula? Is it the womanly presence of someone who has given birth what I need to feel safe? Someone who is female to tell me I can make it through? Is having a doula truly what I want or am I getting what I want crossed with what my sister waned and all my fears? Once I identify all my fears are they something I can face with the help of a therapist?

I asked my sister what the difference would have been without having a doula. She cited that there would have been a increase in all the worries that I have listed above- without any prompting from me. However, there is a big difference. My sister did not want any type of medical intervention- she was adamantly against it. While I on the other hand am not feeling that strongly against it. (See? There is that middle of the road, moderate personality again!) I am not completely opposed to an epidural but it's something I would like to postpone as long as possible if not avoid.

So I am realized I am going to have to dig deep this month and figure out what this is all about. I need to figure out what is going to give me the greatest comfort and to make sure that whatever I do it is because it's what I want. I just wish the practical side of me was a little quieter.

Well...

Shit.

We have a leak in our basement and in our roof. Talk about getting it from both ends.

Hope and Peace

I wanted to light these candles on this Christmas Eve as a prayer for everyone. No matter what God you pray to I hope that love is brought into your life this holiday season and that peace fills your new year.

Baking, Wrapping... And A Wrench

Baking and wrapping have pretty much summed up the last week for me. Super fun... not!

Well, some of it was fun as I got to try two new cookie recipes. Either way- the baking is done and the wrapping continues.

On a definite irritating note, after driving 1-1/2 hours one way to RE's office to get my b/w done and of course waiting another 20 minutes... the lab tech tells me the lab they used to send my LAD (my immune b/w) no longer does my test. Oh, and haven't found a new lab that does.

And there is my wrench.

Then And Now

***pregnancy mentioned***

Mr. Dr. Perinatologist man said on Friday that everything looks great! We have a normal healthy pregnancy- can you believe it?! I have been enjoying the excitement of hearing that news all weekend so in celebration I am going to share then and now pictures :)

Here is baby then (6w5d)... see the little speck in there? You can actually see a heartbeat in the picture! And Lil' P fits inside this whole picture but...
Here is Lil' P now (19w3d)... weighing in at 11oz. and can no longer fit completely inside the frame!

Due to all the medications I am on Mr. Dr. Peri said that we can come back at 32 weeks to check out the blood flow but there is no reason to worry at this point. The placenta is now placed about 1 in. above the opening of the cervix and no longer considered "low lying". During the appointment I turned to L and asked if he was sure that he didn't want to find out the sex of the baby. He looked at me and said, "Do you want it as your Christmas present?" And I said....

Wait for it...


"It's up to you."


Of course I was thinking yes!!! But I also know that this is really important to L and we had an agreement. So we didn't find out. It's still a surprise... wish we knew but still glad we don't. Just going to bask in the glow of this healthy baby for a while. Lil' P has been texting more lately although mostly when I am laying down.

One cool thing that we learned was that she (don't get excited when not using the name Lil' P I will use 'he' and 'she' interchangeably) has a full upper lip. Why is this worth noting you are wondering? Well I don't blame you asking, her lips are shaped like my husbands :) It's like Lil' P really does have our characteristics already. I know... 'duh!' but it's just still so amazing to me- we have actually managed to create another human being. Crazy cool...

I will now get off the cheese wagon for the day :)

Favorite Questions

Throughout my educational experience there were always questions that I found intriguing. Now some of the questions were and are lame but I think that it still tells a lot about who the person is.

1) "If you had to describe yourself as a drink what would it be a why?"

For me the answer was and remains Hot Chocolate. It comes in many different flavors like white chocolate, peppermint, mocha chocolate, and of course classic. You can add things to it too. For a little pick me up after a long day, add a shot of Amaretto (yum!) Feeling a little silly or happy? Sprinkle some marshmallows on top! Hot chocolate to me is something comforting that you can just sit with at the end of a long day- and just enjoy the silence. Or it can help perpetuate a silly mood. Perhaps you are feeling like a girl chat? I like to think that I can provide what the situation calls for- be it comfort, silliness, or relaxation.

2) "Can you remember a time when you were little and lost? Tell me about how you reacted and what you did?"

Personally, I can't remember a time when I was little and lost. However, putting myself in the mind fame of a 6 year old this is what I was able to up with. I would likely freak out and start walking through the store yelling for my mom. If that didn't work, I would go back to where I started because I would hope that my mom would look for me in the last place she saw me. Also, I remember my parents telling me that if you stay still in one place you are easier to find.

What I learned after answering the question was that it tells you how a person problem solves. It describes me perfectly. I go searching for immediate information and answers. If I try something and didn't get the result I wanted or was looking for, I go back to the start and hope that my answer comes to me.

In an effort to learn more about you, my readers and fellow bloggers, I ask that you please answer one or both of the above questions. If you have never posted here, or rarely post, please respond as I would love to hear about you for a change!

"Your Boobs Are Huge!!!"

"What? They are- they are right there! They are huge... are you planning on breastfeeding?"

This is said as I blankly stare, like a deer in headlights (no pun intended), at my supervisor. I look to the 2 co-workers and intern who are present and none of them can look at me in the face. Either from laughter or horror, I am not sure... wait... wait... It's definately laughter.

I can't believe she just said that to me- actually I can. Welcome to my office.

WTF?

Why do people feel it necessary to tell me about the awful heart wrenching stories of women who have lost their children in the second or third trimester? Or better yet- at delivery?

As if I don't know these horrific things can happen or have enough of my own anxiety to deal with.

WTF is wrong with these people???

I'm Coming Out and Introducing Lil' P

***pregnancy mentioned***

"I want the world to know, got to let it show"- Dianna Ross

Basically, since Thanksgiving I have been coming out to people about my pregnancy. I finally told my extended family and I openly admitted that I was pregnant to two co-workers, without anyone else outing me first. I have also accepted a handful of congratulations gracefully- without poo-pooing them.

I have been starting to show since Thanksgiving so it's been getting more difficult to hide it. Although, I believe that I am doing a pretty good job- at hiding it and being more comfortable with it. Although, truth be told, I don't really have to "hide" it anymore as it's getting cold here- that means thicker heavier clothes. I used to be very mindful of never putting my hand on my belly or rubbing it. Now, I allow myself to not only do this at home, but when I am out in public- but only if there isn't anyone I know around. I promise, I am working on it!

Several weeks ago, Leah from My Dusty Ovaries, pointed out that I was 14 weeks pregnant. I was impressed that she knew how far along I was- it was the fact that she knew at all. I have made a point to never mention how far along I am for two reasons. 1) I was and still am feeling a little superstitious. 2) When going through all of my pregnancies and other people would mention that they were pregnant, I could figure out how far ahead or behind me they were. Therefore, every time I miscarried and I read that persons blog or information, I knew how far long I should be. It made it difficult for me keep up with them and well... it was just painful. So I tried to not bestow that information to others who may be reading.

With all that being said, I have decided to come to you, my fellow bloggers and readers. Not because I want to be vengeful, but because I feel like it's time to start celebrating this pregnancy a little more. When I tell people, I have found that my excitement grows a little bit, as well as my anxiety, but I am choosing to focus more on the excitement part. So here it goes... I am 18-1/2 weeks pregnant. There, I said it. And for the first time here, I am willing to gracefully accept congratulations, if they are offered.

Also, I have decided to name the baby Perseverance, or Lil' P. I do believe that this baby is here because of the perseverance of L and I. We lost faith many times, almost gave up several times, and always questioned what we were doing every time we started a new cycle. We thought surely our family thinks we are crazy- but somehow my instinct always said I was meant to be a mom. I had a very vivid dream once where I was pregnant and could feel the baby move- so I tried to remember that during all my questioning and doubting. So we continued down this insane road by choice- and here we are.

So today I am coming out and introducing Lil' P to you. I also felt Lil' P move the other day- so that was very strange and very cool. Although, he has sent no emails or texts to me lately I am told that is not unusual. I hope that he texts again soon :)

Blog You Very Much

JJ, at Reproductive Jeans, brought up yet another good point. Saying thanks to the person who inspired you to start blogging.

When I started blogging, it was shortly after my 5th loss. I started looking through the blogsphere and found that there were a lot of women, and some men, who were writing and talking about their experiences in the world of infertility. The humor mixed with sincerity is what caught my attention. They made me laugh when I needed it the most.

After reading for a couple of days I decided that it was something that I would like to try. It seemed like such a great outlet. It brought me back to the days when I was young and would use poems and story telling to help me cope with experiences. I also loved that you could be creative with the colors of the template, font styles, and add pictures. It seemed like such a creative process. I had been missing that from my life for so long. It didn't seem to matter if anyone read or not- it was and is about a space where I can just be me.

The two that inspired me (drum roll please)- Leah at My Dusty Ovaries and Mel at the Stirrup Queens. The humor and the honesty they use in conjunction with their own writing style well... I just loved it!

Now you may not be thankful that they inspired me start a blog but I am. I am finally in place where I can be just me all the time woo hoo! Lucky you- I know!

**And thanks to JJ because this is the first time that I have attached a picture where it worked!!**

Now Tainted

There are a groups of people that I have chatted with over the past two years, during this RPL journey, who have been there for me. There is one group in particular that I have gone to that has helped me deal with all my losses. They have given support, encouragement, hope, and information- I can't say enough about these women. I am always inspired by their strength. Many still keep in contact with me despite my being pregnant- they are able to find real joy for me and for that I am grateful.

It's a drop in type situation, an open meeting, people come with questions, frustrations, support... whatever that person happens to need, as a whole, we try to provide. I have always felt that it was a safe place for me to express my emotions. No matter the issue I was facing- I always felt understood. There has been another woman there who attends enough that we all know her and her story. She has had a total of 9 miscarriages and 3 living children. She recently gave birth so she had not been coming as of late.

Recently, she announced that she was pregnant again and was UPSET about it. As in not really sure that she wanted the baby because it would be so close in age to her last child. This upset me a lot. I was shocked then angry and irritated. It felt as though someone had slapped me in the face. I didn't understand how she could come to a group of women, who have struggled for so long, many of us wondering we could even have a family, and tell them she didn't really want her baby. Didn't she realize the group of people she was talking to?

Unfortunately, she has miscarried this child which is always sad. She has said as much but is sad because the baby would never have a life and never do the things that all children learn to do. She also felt relief as she was planning on giving the child up for adoption. Again, why would she say this to us? Us, the RPL survivors, who were and are still tying to have children?

I can see how it would be very distressing to be pregnant with a child so young along with two older toddlers. I can't begin to imagine the pressure- coping with a newborn and being pregnant. Wow... scary. It comforts me to know that she would have given this baby up for adoption as she felt she could not properly care for him or her. To give a child to another hopeful loving family is an incredible gift. I recognize the amount of strength it would take to do that.

It's not that I am upset about how she felt. As I have said, I can see her point of view- I am upset that she said this to our group. I feel as though she has taken a safe place for us and has tainted it somehow. I am glad that she feels like she can lean on us for support but why would she say all these things to our group?

I wasn't able to say anything at first because I was so shocked and then I was just mad. Since she has miscarried- all I can think of is that I am sorry she is having such a range of emotions as miscarriage is still emotionally difficult. However, I am struggling to find sympathy and empathy.

I just don't know what to say. Or how I feel about all of this- I am sad for her and the situation but I am mad for us, or maybe just me, who have to hear her story.

Being Lazy

I have been lazy lately. I just want to sit around and do nothing.

I haven't been completing my contract work like I should. I am completing it, just procrastinating big time. L is out of town this week so I am slowly letting the house get a little messier. I have let the mail stack up, dishes are sitting in the sink, I left a left a dirty pot out on the stove. That load of clothes that I did on Saturday night? I am refreshing them in the dryer now because I never pulled them out. Somehow, I can never complete laundry. What's up with that? And if I do manage to get the load out of the dryer, I can let it sit on the bed for days- when L is out of town I will place it on his side of the bed, that way I can still sleep at night :)

I just have no motivation this week. Is there anything that you have been procrastinating on this week?

*****
In an effort to avoid doing the things I should I rearranged the template and changed colors. What do you all think? Can anyone tell me how to change the color of my header or do I have to leave it like that? It's not working with this lower color scheme I have got going on!

After 26 Hours Of Labor

My sister ended up getting an epidural so that she could sleep and relax after 21 hours of labor but it proved to be fruitful! At 1am on Sunday morning my new niece arrived! She was 7lbs. 5 oz., 22 inches long, alert, and healthy :) She has such a round little face and head full of dark hair!

So excited for our newest family member!!! Thanks for your positive thoughts ladies, it was very sweet of you ;) Hugs all around!

Thoughts For Sister

My sister started labor at midnight last night. She left for the hospital about 6:30am with contractions at 3-4 minutes apart. At about 2:30pm today she was 3 centimeters dilated. Still no word yet and it's now 6pm. She really wanted a natural birth experience, after an unexpected Cesarean birth last time, so I know that she must be getting tired and exhausted.

So if you could send up positive thoughts and energy to her that would be most appreciated.

You have all my love and support sis! You can do this!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

**pregnancy mentioned**

And a couple of cool things.

As I was making the apple and cherry pie yesterday (from scratch!) for the family's big feast, I realized that my tummy was getting in the way of being as close to the counter as I wanted. Pretty cool I think!

A warm front moved in late last night with rain and thunderstorms and the full moon is close at hand so I am hoping that this will finally help send my sister into labor with #2. We are all anxiously awaiting for our new niece or nephew so mother nature help her out already! She is starting to get really uncomfortable and is alreay past her due date :)

Yesterday we saw our little baby. I also had the GD test (the dr made me take it early since I am "at-risk") and had a cervical check. All looks good although the GD test won't come back until next week. I have been going a little over board with the sugar the past couple days because I fully expect to have GD. Baby was doing well and having a good time sucking it's thumb. He or she is getting really big!

The tech could clearly see if it was a boy or girl- we asked her to not tell us. We are waiting for the big surprise at birth... but man am I dying to know! Personally, I think it's a boy and I have been thinking that for several weeks :)

Lots to be thankful for this holiday and I hope that you are able to find the gifts in your life too!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone and I hope that you are able to eat to your hearts content! (Me, personally, I have been thinking about that pumpkin pie!)

Medium- Middle, Not Crunchy Granola

I would not describe myself as a "crunchy granola" person. That's not to say I don't care about "crunchy" things. I recycle, try to watch how much water I use, and buy hormone free items when I can afford it.

I would describe myself as a medium- middle person. Not too far to one side where I make fun of those who are different. Not so far to the other where I call people uncaring and self centered. I am a middle ground person. Extremes don't fit well with me or my personality come to think of it.

Depending on the situation I have a tendency to lean more one way or another. Otherwise, you can bet I'm in the middle- with an opinion or thought that pushes me one way.

L is different. L goes to the conservative side every time. He is very much in the mind set of "You do what the dr's tell you to do." Me, as you can tell, not so much. I am still the one doing all the work and the one paying the bill. While I have bouts of white coat syndrome, I am the patient. What is imporant to understand about L is he struggles with change. He really likes consistency. While I love him, he also likes the easiest road because it's easy and will take it just about every time.

So those who have been reading know that I am wanting to have a natural childbirth experience. Some of it is due to the fact that I am tired of drugs and hormones. Some related to that there could be complications if I did want an epidural or other drugs because of the blood thinners I am on. I have also been doing a lot of reading to figure out how to best prepare myself for a natural birth. So I have read a lot of things about natural childbirth, especially birth positions.

The other day I was talking to one of my friends and I was asking her about the hospital she delivered at as I will be delivering at the same one (we also go to the same ob practice). I was asking if she knew if any of the dr's had issues about birthing positions or if the hospital provided any supports, like a squat bar. She said that she "thought" for liability reasons the dr's made you give birth in the "traditional" way- laying on your back. She couldn't really remember because it was over two years ago. When she was giving birth, she had an epidural and was quite pleased with it.

What she said made me nervous and a little uneasy. This is not the experience I have been thinking about. So I mentioned to L about what she had said and how I was feeling about it. His response was, "This is getting a little crunchy granola for me so I think that we should stop talking about this, it's making me uncomfortable... women give birth on their backs all time so I just don't think it would be that hard..."

With all that being said, I was glad he told me that he wanted to stop talking about it, and we did. He was already irritated- that's a whole different story though.

What makes me frustrated about this is that he made the statement without doing any research or any consideration that what I have said has some validity. He "thinks" it's the right thing because it's the norm- everyone does this, so should we. I just wish he would research then give an opinion. We are also both of the same when it comes to being pushed in a direction. If you push too hard, the other will push back just because we don't like being pushed.

I believe the final decision is mine. After all, I am the one doing all the work, it's my body, and in the end whatever is easiest and best for me is the best for everyone (in this case). Now, I could go a head and do what I want but it would be so much easier for me if I had his support. So I am not sure on how to approach this- I thought about articles but they would have to be reputable sources and not have a crunchy granola appearance. I have already signed up for a childbirth classes that focus on natural child birth, which he is aware of. So I am wondering if it is something that I should just let go until it comes up in the birthing classes- which should be full of information. Since he has already "accepted" that I am going to have a doula, although he isn't all the comfortable with it, I don't want to push again too early. Otherwise, it could backfire.

Maybe just plant the seed, leave it, and hope it grows?

RPL and IF Are Really Always With You

Several days ago I found out an old co-worker of mine is pregnant. Now she has had some issues but none like most of the people here have faced- or what I have. My immediate thought after finding out is a testament to how IF/RPL really always has a hold of you- in some form. My thought was, "Thank God I am pregnant with a healthy baby before her because otherwise I would throw myself out that window."

Not very nice of me.

You know what I hated most about RPL when I was in the throws of it (although I still feel like I kinda am)? That people would say all the time, "Well, at least you can get pregnant." What is that supposed to mean? What good is being able to get pregnant if you can't carry the pregnancy to term? I always thought about how much I hated getting started down the journey of motherhood and pregnancy just to be told to turn around. Again. Yes, getting part of the way there makes me feel soooo much better, thanks.

More examples of how fertiles don't get it.

Do you know that I still won't wear mascara to a u/s? I am afraid that I will find out something bad. Then I will start to cry and it will run all down my face.

Another example of how RPL stays with you.

Work Bummer

Well, I am a little bummed today. I got a job offer at a mental health agency about an hour from my house. It's a salary position so it would have been nice to have a steady paycheck. But due to all my dr's appointments they would have to take leave out of my check since I wouldn't have any built up yet. Paid family leave wouldn't kick in until I have been working there for a year. Then there is all the gas money and I would have to pay for my own supervision (to complete my licensure) so... I can't take it. After paying all those things out, I would end up breaking even with what I make at my contract job now.

I am bummed because I think that I would have really liked it. If only the salary had been more... (sigh)

And my infamous intern? Well, someone must have shown him the light. We had a meeting a week or so ago and he said all the things I thought. That he had to get better at his time management, not get hung up on the little things that he has trouble answering, and learn to pace himself. So I felt no need to add any more info to it. I do have to say he really does get hung up on stuff. I went over a section of the report with him, after he reviewed it himself. He pointed to one specific part and said he searched through all his paperwork and the Internet trying to figure out what it was asking. I told him to "keep reading the line", in the parentheses it explained what it was, which was a form he already had filled out. Genius...

I should be getting a different intern sometime next week. Hopefully, I have learned something from this experience and it will go a little more smoothly.

A Little Update

***pregnancy mentioned***

Just wanted to give a little update about, well, my life.

The baby shower fiasco- I haven't yet told my other sister about the shower the IL's are throwing for me but I decided that they can both eat it. I love them both dearly but I am tired of tying to help people manage their own feelings. L and I are fine and happy with the outcome/ decision so that's all there is to it. Done. They can cope with their own issues.

Went to the my ob Friday and had a nice check up. Baby was in there seemingly happy and flipping around like my mad. I have to admit there were a couple of times that you could see in between the legs- of course I was unable see anything! It's still way to early but I couldn't keep myself from trying to guess. So I guess the little bit of anxiety I was feeling was about this week in general, not about my pregnancy.

Also wanted to say thank you to all who posted comments to me this week and even those who didn't. It's has been a very personal week for me- a lot of bad history was staring at me in face. A lot of personal emotions... So thank you for allowing me to be open and honest about it. Being able to express myself freely on this blog has helped me heal some and I am not sure I could have done it without your support. So again, thank you everyone because even if you didn't post I am sure you were sending me positive energy and thoughts!

This Little Light of Mine

Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my 1st miscarriage. So I am lighting this candle not only in honor of my 1st angel but for all my other angels as well. I hope you know that I miss you and think of you everyday.

1st Angel- November 2005
2nd Angel- January 2006
3rd Angel- October 2006
4th Angel- March 2007
5th Angel- May 2007

Give grandma a big hug for me!

A Letter To My Best Friend

Dear Mom,

Today marks the two year anniversary of your death. It has been a long two years without you physically here. There have been so many things that I have missed about you over these months but most of all it's been your wisdom, hugs, and acceptance. You always loved me no matter what- I never realized how secure you made me feel until you were gone. How I miss that.

I know that we had many conversations before you died. I know that I asked you if you knew how much I loved you, which you assured me you did, and I tried so hard to show you. I tried to be there for many of the treatments and all of the major appointments. I always did my best to be honest about how I was feeling without upsetting you. I came down once a month for a week at a time- and I still wonder if it was enough. We would talk about the past, your worries, and your wishes after you were gone.

I know that I missed your last major medical appointment. I should have been there when the doctor told you dad that it was time to let go of treatment, that hospice was the next step. I should have been there to support the two of you instead of dad having to make the awful phone call. A phone call that we will never forget. Afterwards, I want you to know, all I could think about was getting home to the two of you. I know I was there the following day but it wasn't soon enough for me.

I will never forget coming into your room where you laying on the bed and I just lost it. I apologized to you for crying, you patted my back and said, "You always tell me it's okay to cry." I think of that every time cry I now.

Right before you lost the energy to speak I held you hand on the couch and told you that I had to go home to go get my first u/s pictures of the baby. That I would come back and show you the pictures. I told you that I knew you would be there the day I graduated with my Master's and the day the baby was born. You closed your eyes, smiled a little, and nodded your head.

I never came back with those pictures because it turned out that there was going to be no baby. I had a blighted ovum and I was so devastated. I don't remember the 8- hour drive back to see you and dad. By the time I got back, you could no longer open your eyes or hold my hand... you weren't able to give me that mom hug that I so desperately needed. I couldn't tell you about what happened- what the doctor had said. I was worried that you would leave this world being sad and upset for me. I couldn't bear the thought of that. Although, at the same time I imagined your spirit hoovering over us, watching and hearing us. I think in the end you already knew. Still, we all sat up with you holding your hand, laying next to you, trying to make you as physically comfortable as possible. Dad putting all the Christmas lights up early because he knew how much you loved to look at the living room tree. God, how he loves you still.

I remember K shouting up the stairs that I had better hurry back down to your bedroom. By the time I got there you were already gone. I could tell the moment I was in the room- you weren't there anymore. I knew instantly what people meant when they said, "That didn't look like so-and-so...." I wasn't brave enough to help the hospice nurse clean you up. I wasn't brave enough to watch the funeral home take you away. I think there was a part of me that just couldn't and the other part knew that it wasn't you. I still hated hearing the the doors of that black van slam shut. The turning over of the engine. You were physically gone. I wasn't brave enough to make any phone calls except to my very closest friends.

Three days later I started my first miscarriage.

It wasn't until several months ago that I realized how angry I was at you for leaving me at a time when I needed you so much. I was living in my own personal hell, watching you and the dreams of baby leave me within days of each other. I am sorry I was mad. I know you and I know better then to think that you would leave me in a time of need.

Since your death, I have had conversations with you. I have mostly wondered if you were even there listening, caring. It wasn't until the last couple of months that I realized how frustrating the last year and half has probably been for you. I was in a therapy session after my 5th loss and we were talking about the things that you would say to me. All of a sudden I could hear you shouting at me, while stamping your foot in annoyance, "I am right here!" It was then it hit me. All these months- if I could have set aside what our previous relationship was, if I could have set aside my idea of what I wanted our relationship to be- which was our old relationship- I could have heard you talking to me this entire time.

I am sorry I wasn't listening. Since then I have wondered if things would have been better for me if I had told you about my 1st loss while you were still physically here. And while I certainly believe that the conversations we had were needed, we never talked about how our relationship would change. What it would look like after you were gone. Maybe things would have been different if we had, but here we are. We made it.

One of the conversations that stands out the most to me is when I told you it didn't feel right to laugh or be happy again without you. You told me that it was okay and that's what you wanted for me. I want you to know, I have been trying. The loss of the physical you coupled with the five miscarriages... it hasn't been easy mom. There have been so many days where I have struggled. It's been a tough 3 years if you include the year you diagnosed. But I am trying, I am getting there. It makes me happy to know that you care caring for my five little beans in heaven. I imagine you playing with them while they learn about you, maybe you even tell them stories about me when I was growing up. I have to say though I hope you let me and L keep bean number 6. I know that he or she has spent time with you and it would be nice to have a little bit of you back. Sometimes I think that you actually get the best of both worlds. You get to be with the ones who have gone on and you still get to be with us. Lucky them and you.

The only good thing that has come out of your death, is that I have gotten to know dad better. When I was younger I didn't think that I would be friends with him if I met him on the street. But now... he has a very sweet soft side, a generous side that makes me so proud to say that he is my dad. If I could call a person like him a friend, I would be a lucky lady. So being related is even better. I can see why you married him. I think that he still blames himself for not being able to save you. He told me about a dream he had about you the other week. We were able to bring you back from the dead, but you still had cancer. You were crying in front of him because you were upset that we had brought you back. He just chalked it up to his unconscious. I told him that maybe it was your way of telling him you were happier where you were and to let you be. I hope that I am right.

Mom, people have asked me "How much time would have been long enough with your mom?" The answer is always the same, there could have never been enough time with you. Even if you have lived for another 20 years, I will always feel that I was cheated out of time with you. I am not sure how I can be a mom without you physically here, but I will do my best. If I can be half the person and mom that you were I will be doing just fine. I never feel that anyone can ever give me as great as a compliment as when L says, "You are more like your mom than you think." It always makes me smile.

I miss you and love you more than words can say. While I know that I will never be able to truly show you how much love that is - I will have to trust that you know what I mean since you are a mom.

I am not sure how to end this letter to you so I will just say one final thing...

I hope that our new relationship continues to grow, I love you very, very much, and I still think of you everyday. Love, Your Daughter

Different Families

**pregnancy mentioned**

Maybe it's just the time of year, which tomorrow's post will explain, but things have just been hard these couple of days. I have been very nervous about my pregnancy this week. I don't have any physical reason to be concerned, I just am. You all know that when you do the fertility treatment track long enough, you see all kinds of sad things. I don't feel like there is ever a "safe time" in pregnancy. So how am I going to enjoy this process? Questions, questions...

But this isn't what I really wanted to talk about. It's my in-laws (IL) I wanted to talk about.

I want to first say that overall, my IL's are very different than my own family, but they are still great people. Very loving, supportive, good hearted people. They always have the best of intentions. My IL's are very southern, traditional people. They celebrate things in a very traditional way. We have very different styles in almost every way. Such as clothes, to home decorations, to color choices, and... to baby showers.

My family and I do the baby shower thing, just not in traditional way. Yes, you send out invitations, but skip the streamers. Maybe a balloon or two. No traditional baby shower games but maybe some type of game. We are a casual mid-west family... not-so-flashy people... homegrown. Do see what I am getting at?

Well, I was feeling some tension as my IL's hinted that they might throw me a baby shower. As I mentioned this to my sisters, they felt that it was their job to throw it. Actually, what my middle sister said was, "sisters get first dibs... we are so excited and we want to throw you one." So I was now I am feeling more tension. I tried to talk to L about it- to help avoid any toes being stepped on. It didn't get very far. Which I can understand... it's his baby too (or is it??- just kidding!) His family has been waiting right along with us as well. My concern was, if they throw me a shower and ask for a list of people from me who will I invite to my sister's shower? Or, would they be insulted if I only gave them 4 names? The four people would include my two sisters and two friends who I could tell why they were invited to two showers. What would happen if I suggested a combination shower? Then the issue becomes location. L's family lives about an hour and a half from my side and my friends.

Then the phone call- his sister and one of her friends wants to throw us a shower. I really am touched. Really, I am. I wasn't sure I would even get one shower, let alone two. (I am a little introverted and feel awkward inviting people to things- I feel like I am saying "Hey, come and bring me a present!") So it's very sweet of them, as I am not that close to her, and L is very touched by it as well.

After some non-intrusive digging, turns out the IL's want to throw a shower basically for their side of the family. More in the way of a wedding shower if you will, at least from what I gather. So they are going to need no list from me. I think "Whew! Catastrophe avoided!" I can still have my kind of shower, and the IL's can still have their type of shower. Everyone's happy.

So I tell this to one of my sister's last night. She was still indignant about it but I think partly on my behalf. When I told her that I wasn't going to have to provide any names she said, "So they don't care who you want to invite?" Which I guess is true. Then she was upset because she felt like the IL's were being presumptuous- not considering that my sisters would like to throw me a shower. Combined with that I told them I was concerned about not having enough people to invite in the first place and that I told them so... (Sigh....) At the root of it she said she was upset because she felt like the IL's thought that they wouldn't throw me a shower "the right way." As they are traditionalists, and we are not. I tried to explain that I thought that multiple showers were the tradition in their world but I am not sure if she cared.

I told her I didn't see why we couldn't have two showers and then we could have one that was completely the way we wanted it to be. She agreed that we could. When I tell my other sister, things will get much uglier. She can rant for a while about stuff. I am hoping that I can explain it in a better way. I just hate this feeling that my family feels stepped on. Which is what I wanted to avoid in the first place.

IL's are already talking about how I need to think about registering in the the next couple of months. So they can tell people if they ask. IF they ask. You know that means? Presents I don't like or want (again very different styles). I don't want to sound ungrateful, but all these people live an hour and a half away. Which means if I am going to return something- it will be an hour and a half away to do so. Now I just sound like a bitch who isn't appreciative.... (sigh)

I just wish our families weren't so different sometimes. Overall, I do feel lucky and blessed that there are so many people who are excited for us and want to celebrate. I know that this is a celebration for them too.

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I also wish my mom was here to give advice or to talk too about this. She was always good at this thing and today is her birthday. So I would like to say, happy birthday mom! I love you.

My Experience With God Part Two: My Personal Hell

Often, in the past, I have wondered what hell would be like- if it did exist. I honestly don't believe in hell now because I have already lived mine.

To completely understand I have to give you some back story about the last 3 years of my life. As you know, the past two have been filled with the grief and loss of my five pregnancies. But my grief actually started a year earlier and was actually much more acute and more complicated because my first loss occurred within days of my losing my mom.

Three years ago, my mom, my best friend, was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. She was the unfortunate person who had the rarest form of lung cancer. Small-cell lung cancer and, when left untreated, most people only live 3 months. The best odds were 1-1/2 years, tops. When I entered grief counseling, 6 months after her diagnosis, the therapist asked me to use a couple words to describe my mom and her role in the family. It was simple- she was our foundation. Our cornerstone.

After making the 8-hour, monthly trips between my parents home and mine for 1-1/2 years, going with her to the salon so she could shave off her hair so she she wouldn't have to watch it fall into the shower drain anymore, and hugging through the highs and crying through the lows. And finally, after trying to construct a picture of my life without her in it- the doctor finally said the cancer was out running her. Outrunning the treatments. It was time to let go and let hospice take over. The doctor told us that it would likely be over within 10 days.

So that is what we did. We set her up with hospice and tried to make it the most comfortable days of her life. There is nothing that she couldn't request that we wouldn't do or give. Encouraging her to eat all her favorite foods, whatever we could to make her smile. After all that, there was nothing left to do but hold her hand and pray.

During all of this, I made a trip home for my first u/s. This is when my doctors confirmed my first miscarriage. They thought that maybe my dates were wrong but I knew it was a blighted ovum. I will never forget looking at that empty u/s screen knowing there was going to be no picture to show my mom. I knew the dates were right but they insisted on blood draws. The end result was the same. There was no baby. There was going to be no June birth. And there was no mom to comfort me, or mom hug to help me get through it. I had a few precious days left with my mom and I left her to find out this news. When I made it back to my parents house she had slipped into a trace like state and could not longer respond to our words or touch. To even think about it now has me sobbing with tears- the pain still cuts me deeply.

My aunt and my sisters were all there, in my parents home. I suddenly realized I was living the worst possible nightmare I could have ever imagined for myself, I realized this was my hell. I looked at my aunt and said, "This is like a nightmare- I am living in my own personal hell right now- I want to wake up and can't." I knew I was going to lose my mom and my baby within the same week. As fate would have it I started my miscarriage three days after she died and it lasted about a week. I was trapped in my own personal hell.

All I kept thinking was, "How is this happening to me?... God must have mistaken me for someone else because I can't do this... I can't make it." Surely, God was mistaken. Seriously mistaken about what I could emotionally take. I told one of my good friends, who had been supporting me as best she could, "I know that people say God knows your limits but I think he has mistaken me for someone else. Seriously, I don't see how I am going to make it. How can I go through all of this without my mom? This is way beyond me- beyond my limits."

We came home to re-group before going to my mom's home state and town for her memorial service. While I was driving alone- I was conversing and crying with God about how He had mistaken me- how could have He thought I was that strong of a person? I told Him that He had overestimated me and my emotional strength. I wanted to know what he was thinking. I happened to look over to my left and across the road was little church, a church I had driven by hundreds of times without really noticing it. The sign in front of it said, "God knows your limits."

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Added 11/03

Niobe, in the comment part, brought up a point that I didn't mention how I felt when reading that sign. Which brings up the point that you, other readers, may wonder too- here is what I came up with:

Niobe-

I am not really sure how I felt- I guess I was more surprised than anything. Then I remember thinking "Okay, I hear you but I still don't like you. And this still sucks and is unfair." Since then I have tried to remember that I need to keep my faith. I still try to remember that sign and think God is with me even when I can't feel Him. Perhaps it's like the Footprints poem- I couldn't or can't feel His presence because I am being carried- does that makes sense?

Looking back, I can see that I was strong enough but only because I am physically here. I still can't tell you how I made it through and dealt with everything. But I don't think I was underestimating God, I think I was underestimating myself.

Good News Day

**a pregnancy mentioned**

First portion of good news is a fellow friend and RPL'er is safely in the second trimester- woo hoo!!! I am so so excited for her! Awesome, awesome... the even better news is that she is so far into the the trimester she is starting to feel the baby move- how cool is that?! Big, big hugs for her :)

Second portion, one of my oldest friends got engaged over the weekend!! I am so happy for her because I think secretly she had been starting to wonder if her man was EVER going to take the plunge. We have known each other for 19 years so, huge moment for her! In my mind I am letting go of balloons in celebration for her. Congrats hun!

Third portion, it's Halloween! All that extra candy you bought and said, "It's for the trick or treaters!"- you can now start eating! What isn't there to celebrate?! Just thinking of all the Gryffindors and Slytherins that will be on the doorstep tonight brings a smile to my face :)

Feel free to join in on the good news day if you have something to share- no matter how big or small!

Old Issues Still Around

**pregnancy mentioned**

I was invited to a PWP blog "The I Word..." and I checked it out. Very cool blog and Elizabeth got me thinking about things.

As a fertility challenged women to a newly pregnant one I find that my irrational RPL thoughts are still with me. While I should know better than to think that these things don't just disappear, I am still a little surprised.

L and I were at O.live G.arden (love the Minestrone soup and bread sticks!) and a couple walked in with a baby that was 4-5 months old. I thought, "Lucky Bast**ds." The thought was immediate. No filter. It took me couple of seconds to realize that could be me in many months. Weird.

I have realized, psychologically, that I still think that I could ruin this pregnancy if I look at baby things to long on the computer- or if I have to wear maternity pants. I look at a very pregnant person and think- "I hope that I can get there someday."

It's all so irrational. And yet, these thoughts continue to come as easily as breathing.

All that said, I am making good progress at happiness for this pregnancy. Why just the other day, I borrowed 3 pregnancy books from my sister! 3! L and I have actually been having conversations about when to start preparing the baby's room. And the color choices too boot!

Also, this is my biggest step- two people outside my family asked if I was pregnant- and I said "Yes, but we aren't telling people yet." This pretty gutsy stuff for me... and yet my irrational thoughts continue- like none of these positive things are happening too me.

At some point soon, I am going to have to just trust this process and let go and really enjoy. I am going to start working to make sure the day arrives soon.

Glad I Checked

Wasn't able to catch Friday Round Up at the Stirrup Queens on Friday so I just went over there and checked. Mel and mentioned the post, "Felling A Little Guilty" and the things I was pondering.

Well, after reading that, I scrolled down to the post and was saw that many people posted, guess I know what happens when Mel talks about your blog!

Again, I appreciate people being supportive and honest. Honesty will always go so much further with me than anything else, especially when it is said in a constructive way.

Thank you for all the honest thoughts and sharing each of your own perspectives.

None of the comments have changed my final thoughts however. Still blogging my life- if it's all rainbows and puppies (I think I missed that scene!) or if it's counter curses and evil horcruxes. Here is where it will all land!

Thanks And Intimidated

First want to say thanks for your opinions on the whole intern fiasco. I am still a little burned about it and I don't believe that my supervisor will be saying anything to this intern either. That being said, it is what it is- and I can't change it. Moving on!

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Now, I want to say thanks for all the honest opinions about the "Feeling A Little Guilty" post. You were all open and honest with me and that is what I needed most and I respect you even more so for it! So thanks, you all are a great bunch of gals :) I've decided that I am going to post things as my life happens. It's life- it does include celebrations and frustrations- and hopefully a healthy pregnancy for me and prayerfully for you soon. Finally, for now, I am going to keep the title of my blog. I feel like it's pretty encompassing.

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**pregnancy mentioned**

Over the past several days I have realized that I seriously might have this baby. I know that some of you think, "Well, duh!" but I have RPL brain. It's also the RPL brain that makes me want to keep pushing back the date to tell people about my pregnancy.

At first I was going to tell people at 13 or 13-1/2 weeks. Now that I am so close to the 'designated week' I am thinking, weeeell... maybe another week. I know it's because I am afraid as soon as I share my good news that I will jinx everything and will then be followed by going into the crapper. Another part of me thinks, I've waited this long, why bother? They'll figure it out eventually, right? I could just tell them all I am getting fat- which will technically be true.

I have also allowed myself to read more and more about pregnancy and labor over the last two weeks. I have to admit, labor intimidates me to to no end. I think that a major reason why is that I would like to have a natural childbirth. C-sections aren't for me. With epidurals- all I can think is you want to put that into my spinal fluid? And then you want me to just lay there? Induction? No, no, no- not for me thanks. I know... a little silly saying all that while saying yes to the pain of natural childbirth. You are all thinking (while twirling your index finger around you temple) "Crazy woman! This is what appeals to you out of all your options? Seriously?"

What can I say? I am a masochist.

However, there are two highly intimidating factors for me.
1) I know no one who has gone through natural childbirth. So I can't ask questions and be given honest, genuine answers. Everyone I know got an epidural or was induced then got and epidural, or had a c-section either due to choice or necessity. Now I realize that anything can happen but I think that I would really like to prepare for a natural birth. My ideal would be to have water birth in a birthing center or at home and L will never, ever, EVER go for it since we have discussed it. So that ain't happenin'... Not to mention because of the blood thinners I am on I think that I would be considered too high risk.

2) The fertility issues and all of my miscarriages have really taken the confidence I have in body down to nil. I am not sure how to get that back or if I even can. I just don't trust my body anymore to do what it should without feeling highly skeptical or thinking I will need medical intervention.

For these reasons, I have started to look into doula services and have found some encouraging information. I am just hoping that the medical world of the west is willing to indulge me.

Interns

I will try to make this short, but it was very frustrating and irritating experience for me.

At my work we have interns. Obviously, they are there to learn and grow in our, their, profession. Our field is the social services sector. We are clinicians, therapists, parent aides. We work with families who are involved with children services in some form or another. I particularly work with foster children. I write big long reports about their families and make recommendations on placements and what the parents should have to do in order to get the child back in their care. It's odd hours, sometimes long days, mean people, and not very pretty stories.

These interns are working 24 hours a week. I gave my intern, who is one year older than me, a deadline to meet. Why? Because I have a deadline to meet. When the intern didn't finish it on time, I sent a professional email inquiring about it and asking for it to be in my email box by a specific day and time. Again. What I asked this intern to do, should not have taken any longer than 1-1/2 (for first timers) hours- absolute tops. Once you have the info- which the intern did- it's fill in the blank. It's not difficult. I even took time to speak briefly about the sections with this intern and where s/he would locate the information.

Now, I have realized through my deductive reasoning skills that this intern does not check his/her email everyday or they just ignore my email- either way- not good. So I call this morning to make sure it gets checked- it's 8:40am. Instead of having a reasonable conversation I end up playing therapist. Overall, I end up feeling like I am the one getting chewed out and I am trying to calm this person down. Me. Myself. I am the clinician. What the hell?? The response was basically, "I said I 'might' be able to get it done." Excuse me? Might? Then this intern went on to say, "I am not prioritizing anymore... what gets done in 24 hours gets done." I am sorry, what? I don't understand. Seriously. I. Don't. Get. It.

So I spoke with my supervisor and told her my concerns and issues. What was said and how I tentatively 'resolved' the situation. Which wasn't really at all, I ended up taking the section because I was tired of waiting. This intern was 'really busy' with other pressing issues- like the 4 days s/he was taking off next week (which this intern had JUST told me). This intern "can't be expected to get this all done." Don't get me started about this other report we are to be working on... but I digress... My supervisor pretty much agreed that the assignment was one of the easiest parts to complete and flat out told me that she hadn't given this particular intern that much to do. Which leads to one conclusion...

Poor time management. All I can think is- if this paperwork is overwhelming you better not EVER work for a community agency. Talk about paperwork and deadlines.

Maybe my expectations are a little high, and please if I am wrong someone out there let me know, but no matter the number of hours you are working an internship is a J-O-B. This is also a time where there is a learning curse (so things take longer) and shouldn't you want to impress those you work with? When you have a deadline, you get it done. If you don't know how to- start asking questions. If questions aren't being answered- then you ask more loudly until you have someones attention. If you can't get it done for whatever reason, you pick up the phone and call the person. You don't just leave them sitting there twiddling their thumbs right?

***side note- in all my emails and face to face's with all the interns I always tell them to feel free to email, call me, ask me whatever questions they have***

I have to say if s/he willing to act like that with me, and I will put this on a peer-to-peer level, what will he be like with clients when he is overwhelmed (which this intern insisted was not the case)? What will s/he be like with peers in a 'real' work place? Can this intern handle being a clinician? A therapist? What will s/he be like with the supervisees if this intern ever becomes a supervisor? If this intern isn't willing to do a little more self reflection about her/his attitudes, behaviors, and mannerisms- then I am very, very concerned about their future role in this profession.

Seriously, anyone? Am I crazy for expecting it to be done? Are my expectations too high? I am just completely baffled by this interns response here...

Feeling A Little Guilty

I have to honest... I have been feeling a little guilty lately.

I recognize and fully acknowledge that when I entered this blogshere, I came in under the guise of "Challenged in the area of Fertility". I only started blogging a short while ago about my trials of fertility issues and RPL. Yet, here I am, only a couple months since and I am able to post about what appears to be my first healthy pregnancy.

I have noticed over the past month or so that the same people are no longer posting responses. Which leads me to believe that they are no longer reading. I like to think that it's because it has become too painful for them or too difficult to watch "yet one more woman get what I have been working for" and not that ill will is being wished upon me. Which, sadly, I can completely and truly understand. Seriously, although I am not proud of it, I have done similar things. In this situation though there is a darker side of me that wonders, "Are they not reading because they don't think that I am worthy of a healthy pregnancy? That I haven't had enough trials?"

I do feel that I have "earned my badge" and a healthy pregnancy. Not that it's something one "earns"- but you know what I mean. I think that's it's more about that I am afraid you, those of you that read or browse my blog, believe that I haven't earned one because you haven't been there the whole time I have worked through this.

Another part of me questions if I should keep blogging about my pregnancy or blog about other things? Should I change the title of my blog? I don't want people to think or feel that I am rubbing it in their face. I am not trying to pass you some more salt for your wound. That being said though, this is my blog. I should be able to freely express my worries, sadness, frustrations, and celebrations. There are already some serious questions that I am being asked about by others and if life has taught me anything it's that anything can happen at any time.

Rest assured my therapist brain tells me this is more about me coming to terms with my new situation than about you, my readers. While I am not sure where to go from here, I hope to figure it out.

Closing In On The Finish Line

**pregnancy mentioned**

As I have been coming up on the 12th week of my pregnancy I have started to feel the pressure of it all.

And fearing the other shoe will drop.

We actually have a chance at having a baby. What a gift. What an intimidating gift.

We have been going at this for a while, not as long as some of you out there, but two years next month. And we might actually reach the finish line. These are no longer just images in my head. It might be a reality.

I’ve started to look closely at our finances. Scary. What were we thinking? Did we really think that we could afford a baby? To be honest, we could have… before paying for the last 2 IVIg treatments. Now our bank accounts are empty and we weren’t saving a lot of money before.

I am scared. I am scared that we have gone about all of this all wrong and we are going to be punished somehow. I realize this goes against how I view God but… feelings are irrational, what can I say?

Do I stay at my current job? Do I apply for that full time salary position? How long am I willing to work 40 hours a week? Do I give up my contracting job completely? How are we going to pay for daycare? How do you find a daycare? How are we going to save enough money so I can stay home for the first 3 months? Is this really going to be our sticky pregnancy? Will I even make it to the 'safe zone' of 13 weeks? Is all this worry really for nothing?

I am overwhelming myself with questions.

Earlier today, at Stirrup Queens, I said that I would like the super power of clarity- I would be Clarity Girl. I would bring clarity to anyone who searched for it and wanted it. I would help people find the path they were supposed to go down- the one that would bring them the most peace. Where’s my clarity now?

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.

I remember when I lost my 3rd pregnancy, I had no idea what to do. I didn't know how to honor the little lives that I had lost- those little feet had left such a big imprint on me. I decided to honor them the way I tried to honor my mom, I got a car magnet.

When I first got this pink and blue ribbon I just cried and cried... on the ribbon it simply said "We Remember."

And we do, everyday.

To my five angels in heaven... I think of you everyday and I will always remember you.

First Personal Experience With God: Suddenly Gone

As I said in a previous post, I will share two experiences as to why I believe in God. My God that is. It might not look the same as yours. That being said, here is my first experience.

I grew up in a very small town in the Midwest. We only had one full traffic light and two blinking ones. We got the second full traffic light when I was in high school. Our high school had a total of 500 kids, 110 people graduate in my senior class.

When I was in the 5th grade all the people I was friends with decided to split of into cliques. I never really felt like I belonged to any clique. I was pretty constant friends with a small group of girls but even with them I never really belonged.

However, as we split off into groups and cliques, there were some that I remained acquaintances with because we had always had choir class together. This went on from 7th grade through high school. When I reached 1oth grade one of the acquaintances dropped chorus but we would still talk once in a while during English class when we were seniors. We also went to Close- Up (a trip to Wachingto D.C for Jr's and Sr's) together.

One day I got called down to the office because of a detention I got (please people, I was late for class 3 times- this was the worst thing I had done in high school!)

While I was waiting to get called in to the v. principals office, I saw my acquaintance crying along with another one of my estranged friends, who was trying to comfort her. I kept looking at her and wanting to say that it would be alright, no matter what it was. I wanted to give her a hug, she was so sad and upset. But we weren't really friends and it seemed like such a personal moment. I sat glued to my seat and just kept looking over wanting to say something or I just averted my eyes to the floor. I never said anything.

About a month later, I had an awful dream that she was killed. I turned around in English class to tell her about it- and tell her to be careful. And I thought to myself, "What? You just can't blurt that out to someone!" I also wanted to tell her that I hoped that things were better. Again, my butt stayed glued to the seat and I didn't say anything.

Several weeks later she was killed in a car accident. It was devastating and a shock to our small school. She was one of 3 people killed that night, the other two were earlier graduates from our high school as well. And sadly, another graduate had recently committed suicide about a week or two prior. This was a small community- all the senior class left school that day as well as part of the Jr. class.

The funeral came and went- the church was so full that at least 75+ people had to stand. It was November when that happened. How awful for her family right before the holidays. How awful for her family period. All her close friends...

During the holidays all I could do was cry at night, while laying in my bed. I kept thinking about her family- about how I should have taken the opportunities that presented themselves to me. I didn't. I never thought that I could have prevented the accident but... I should have offered a kind word when I had the chance.

One night while laying n my bed, staring at the Christmas lights around my window I sobbed and sobbed to God. "Why did you take her?... There was still so much life she had to live... This doesn't make any sense... Why would you do this to her family? How do we know she is okay?" I just cried these words over and over... finally I sobbed, "Please let me know that she is alright, that she is okay... Let me know that you are really here with me- with us. I need some comfort, please..."

Seconds after saying that, I got a calming chill all through my body- Like someone placed a hand on me. I instantly knew that everything was alright. Things were going to be just fine- they were still going to be hard, but I would be okay. I stopped crying and I was able to fall asleep. In my dream that night, she was standing there, in front of me in one of her cute outfits, from a picture that I had of her from our last Close-Up trip. She was smiling and said to me, "I am alright, you have no reason to worry. I really am okay." What I remember most is her looking happy, content, and peaceful.

Her death inspired me to not be so afraid to talk with people and I became a bit more extroverted with those in my classes who I had never been friends with. It also helped me take a few more chances in life- like picking up and moving to another state.

This was my first personal experience with God and why I am convinced that my God is with me... with us.

Whew!

**pregnancy mentioned**

I have been sweating the last week as all my symptoms have started to tapper off. Which I realize is very typical for this part of the trimester but in my world- it's never a good sign.

So I called my Ob's office and they agreed to let me come in today.

Let me first say I love my Ob, Dr. C. Love her, love her, love her. Did I mention that I love her? We found out yesterday that our insurance will only cover a very small portion of our u/s at the RE's office because we are now pregnant- so they are all considered "pregnancy u/s" from this point on. We told her what the insurance was doing... she didn't charge us for today's u/s, only the visit! How much does she rock???!

Little baby is growing well, lots of movement. We were 10w4d and the hb was 182. Dr. C said it was on the high side of average but thought it was mostly due to "mom's epinephrine". What can I say? I was nervous! She said that we could come in for a weekly u/s if we wanted, to help ease our anxiety. It seems a little much- so maybe every 10 days ;) Still waiting on the c- word but...

Whew! Is my word of the day. I hope little baby keeps growing!!

Nature v. Nurture... Or Both?

Mel, at the Stirrup Queens, brought up an interesting question. Are the choices or paths we make, as it relates to fertility, predetermined... nature v. nurture.

Well, I have thought about this. A lot through my education, training, and well, just my life. I think it all boils down to one idea or thought. It's a combination of both.

First, I would like to say that copulation and reproduction are natural instincts. I believe that these are primal needs. These drives are in the ever so primitive parts of our brain, making them innate. As our brains develop, certain hormones stimulate certain parts of the brain. Even as we get older, some parts of the brain lose specific hormones and chemicals which can change our thinking and our perceptions. Case in point, menopause and bi-polar disorder. I think this is the nature part.

The nurture part comes in from what you are taught as you grow as a person. I believe the experiences will push people one way or another. While predisposed to a certain characteristic, mannerism, or lifestyle a simple experience or recurring situation can change it all.

If a couple decides they want children, the obvious and most economical choice is to have your own (I hear that this can really happen!). As you go along on the journey and it turns out it's not as simple as it once appeared, those experiences either reinforce what you originally believed or they have made you question it, or question it to the point that you change your mind. Some people are taught to follow their gut instincts. Or maybe to risk it all no matter the cost. They were taught through their life experiences that their gut usually led them down the right path or that risks, at any cost, is a worth while cause. While there are others who experienced risks and it didn't work out. Or it made them so uncomfortable they had difficulty relaxing, making the risk worthless to them in the end because they weren't able to enjoy the ride.

Our life experiences shape us, change us, alter us, and sometimes it helps us find our path. No matter what the path is for you (or me) it's important that you are accepting of the choices you made, and make, while on it. Otherwise, it makes the journey unhappy and regretful.

8 Not-So-Interesting Things About Me

My list will be titled 8 not-so-interesting things about me, sorry R&R! I just don’t consider myself an interesting person- but it's fun and I am glad you tagged me :)

1. I love to sing. I started asking my mom for voice lessons when I was in the 6 or 7th grade but she kept saying no. In my 8th grade choir class the ‘graduating’ 8th graders were to do a solo, I sang “Think of Me” from Phantom of the Opera. After receiving a standing ovation, my mom finally agreed to let me take lessons. I took them for 4 years. It’s the only moment in my life where I can say I was truly proud of myself.

2. I met my husband-to-be about 3 hours after I broke up with my last boyfriend (of course I didn't know he would be my last boyfriend then!)

3. Once I scrape food off a plate and it’s ready to be pushed down into the garbage disposal, it freaks me out to touch with my hands. I realize this is the exact same food I put in my mouth, umm… 5 minutes ago, but somehow it has changed as it went from the table to the sink. What’s that about?

4. From the time I was in the 8th grade I always said that I wanted to be a counselor, a therapist. Now that I am here, have passed my licensure exam, and am working on my full certification- I am not sure I want to be a therapist. I am 29 years old, have a Master’s degree (and the loans to show for it) and don’t know where I want my life to go or look like. Well, I know in the depths of my heart and soul I want to be a mom but that’s about it.

5. As I read other blogs, I think of how articulate the people sound. How well they write and wish that I could be so. Why can’t I sound like that? But I write like I speak. As I posted to someone else, I don’t really consider myself a ‘brainy’ person, I am people person. I know people and I am good at reading in between the lines. Most of the time. But I still wish I could sound 'brainy'!

6. My favorite cartoon is ‘Animaniacs.’ My favorite episode, to this day, is where they go to visit Satan in Hell- they are so mean and sarcastic to him. They also had this great segment called ‘Good Idea, Bad Idea’… just thinking about it makes me laugh! Ahhh, good times, good times…

7. I don't like being out in large bodies of water far away from the shore-even if I can stand. I am okay if I am in a motorized boat though. There is something about it that just freaks me out and I become very unsettled. At the same time I don't like going underwater if I am in a pool by myself. Completely irrational but- I worry that something will keep me under the water and I will drown.

8. I grew up in the Midwest. I was going to college in a place where the people came from wealthy families, and spent lots of money. I noticed my Sophomore year that my values were changing. I didn’t like it. So I decided to move to the South because my family drove through a particular state one time and I thought it was pretty. So I applied to two schools in the state, got into both, picked one, and moved. People thought I was crazy because I knew no one at all. I didn't think it was a big deal. Still don’t really get it to this day. Best move I ever made though, I met some truly fabulous people!

For some reason this post reminds me of an episode in Sex In the City, where they all talk about their secret single behaviors. Anyone else think so? It seems the blogs I have read have already done this- guess I need to start expanding again! But I will tag JJ (at Reproductive Jeans) I haven't seen something like this on her blog so... Tag your it, no tag backs!

Me And My God

***Caution- Touchy subject! It’s my blog though so I can do what I want***

So there are people in the IF’sphere, well, my IF’shere, that are in an uproar about what a poster said to one of my fellow IF’ers/ RPL sisters. The post is over at The Sticky Bean Preconception Journal if you are wondering.

An anonymous poster suggested, well pretty much said, that people were punished until they were humbled enough by God. Specifically, in this case, infertiles or RPL’ers.

Let me first say that I did not grow up in the church and that all of my ‘God learning experiences’ came from going to a YMCA camp for 3 months every summer from the age of 8 until I was 20. Don’t worry I went there as a camper (until the age of 15) and then worked there. There are also two very personal experiences, that I will share in later blogs, as to why I believe in God and his presence.

I don’t believe that God punishes people. It’s just not in my definition of God. I think that God loves us and wants us all to be happy or at least content. Some days it’s just seriously difficult to believe and remember that.

Many times throughout this process I have yelled at God, screamed why at Him, and cried many, many tears with Him. In the end of it all none of it mattered 1) Because I cannot control this and 2) God is large person, he take it. I can turn my back, pout in the corner like a 2- year old but it will not change… things are the way they are. Sometimes there are reasons, sometimes there aren’t. You have to careful if you assign a ‘reason’ to an action. Reason can lead to blame. And blame never leads to anything good.

I believe that there is too much to learn in this life in just one trip. Do I call it reincarnation? Past lives? I am not sure. There are just too many experiences to go through in just a mere 85 years- if we are lucky enough to be in a very healthly body that long.

In my opinion, I think that certain experiences are meant to give us a different perspective. A new view point. A way to learn something if we can. It’s there to help us grow if we can withstand it.

I like to think that the last 3 years of my life God has been trying to teach me to let go. Be patient. Flow with the waves of life. Be in the moment because it’s all we have. Stop thinking forward. Learn to accept. Things don’t always need changing. Some things just are. Learn to trust the process.

I am a slow, slow learner. I am stubborn, bullheaded, and a control freak to boot. Too bad for God… but lucky for me He has the patience of a saint.

As Life Washes Over Us

Niobe, over at Dead Baby Jokes, talked about her happiness challenge. When she was pregnant with twins she would watch TV to escape the physical pains of pregnancy. However, she unfairly and sadly, lost both of her babies. While wadding through her grief she found she could no longer enjoy watching TV. The memories it brought back were just too painful. Her happiness challenge was to watch TV again... a major accomplishment for her. Congrats Niobe!

In the professional conference I was at last week we talked about how "life washes over people." In my mind it's a great comparison. Life does wash over us like the ocean. It claims things and people that we love. Things we don't want to let go of. It can act as a major catalyst for changes we don't want- and sometimes what we do. It pushes us around and reminds us that we are not in control- no matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise.

My life has been washing over me since the day I found out my mom was sick. The good Lord knows how hard I fought, how I struggled to maintain what control I had (which was none), and how I feared my mom would leave me before I could tell her and show her how much I loved her. For the longest time I couldn't quilt, cross stitch, or play the piano. The first two were hobbies my mom had taught me and she loved to hear my siblings and I play the piano.

Many of us are taught to stand strong against opposition, push back. Stay firm in our convictions. The other morning, while driving to the u/s, I was thinking about all of this. What would happen if instead of standing strong against the tides of life, I floated with it? What if I was using all my energy fighting against or for something that wasn't to be mine in the first place? As life washes over us, if we float with the waves, maybe it will take us to where we were always meant to be. Furthermore, what if by doing this we were able to get back some of what life took from us?

It wasn't until a year ago that I could do any of those three things I talked about earlier without crying uncontrollably or feeling the pain of her death. I was slowly able to bring them back to the surface and find joy in them again. As your life has washed over you, what was lost that you would like to bring back?

Hope Floats

(pregnancy mentioned)

That's right, I get to talk about my pregnancy, not a miscarriage.

I feel like a 7 year-old who just back from the zoo for the first time. Our u/s went great today... I was so happy I cried. Last night I was convinced that my pregnancy was over and went to bed crying. Woke up and 2:40 am and cried for another 2 hours. Even on the way to the u/s I was thinking about adoption. But by the grace of God I am sitting here writing about this instead. I never thought I would.

I know, some of you may be thinking, "Enough already, what happened?" so here it is... (if you aren't wondering, please humor me)

I measured 8w6d, the baby had a hb of 162, and is measuring 1 inch. This is a HUGE step for us as we have never made it past 7 weeks or moved onto a 3rd u/s. We got to see the baby move, the arm and leg buds, umbilical cord... the baby even did a little flip. He or she looked so big on the screen. It was just amazing.

The RE agreed to let me stay with her for another 3 weeks before moving into the world of "normals." I know that something can go wrong still, I am not a newbie. If something is to go wrong, I want to hear it from my RE not a u/s tech who has no idea what my history is.

I go back in 3 weeks for more labs, to check my immune system, and I will get another u/s then. I will be getting another IVIg treatment this week. I am still not accepting the "c-word" but I am still taking luck, prayers, and positive energy. We still have a long way to go.

Right now, here in this moment, I want to feel joy, happiness, and this quiet comforting solitude. For the first time, in a long time, all is right in my world.

"You just got to give hope a chance to float up." -Sandra Bullock as Birdee in Hope Floats

I'm Off For A Visit

I feel like I haven't been around much lately. Which, I guess, is true. I have been away since Thursday because I was at a professional conference. It was interesting and right before that I was busy trying to wrap up some ends at work because I am leaving tomorrow for a trip. I am going to see my mom's side of the family. I love them and haven't seen them in a year so it will be nice.

I don't know how I think everything is going with this pregnancy. Sometimes I think the queasiness is getting better, sometimes I think it's the same as it has been. I am working hard at not judging things as it never does any good. This pregnancy will be what it is and there is nothing I can do about that. I wouldn't change anything that I have done or anything I will do over the next week. I will have to be satisfied with my actions no matter the outcome. This week will be a good distraction from this up coming ultrasound.

I am still scared but there is nothing to do but wait.

Solid First Step

(pregnancy mentioned)

Today was a solid first step in the right direction. We had a HB of 144. The baby's C to R measured 6w3d and the sac measured 6w6d. Technically, I am 6w6d today. Not thrilled about the C to R but I also know that it can be completely normal... it would just be nice if they were measuring closer but it is what it is. That being said feel free to offer any good experiences you have had with this, even if it's just to ease my mind :)

The RE did see what initally looked like a uterine clot but then saw 'motion'. So she believes it to just be uterine artery flow since it's right next to the sac. According to her things look good.

The next u/s is Oct. 1st, if the pregnancy is progressing then we will have another IVIg treatment that Thursday.

It's a good first step but we have been here before and have a looooong way to go. If you are willing, I am still accepting luck but no c-word yet please. Here's hoping I have a pukey 2 weeks!

Things I Have Been Pondering

Road Blocks and Rollercoasters have brought back to surface many things I have been pondering lately...

First, what has happened in my life when I was too wrapped up in my fertility woes? Who did I not laugh with? Celebrate with? Cry with? Listen too? Who was I not there for and how do I begin to apologize for being so wrapped up in myself that I forgot to be a friend?

Second, if I have truly accepted that I cannot control my pregnancy outcomes- then why do I continue with treatments? Why do I take nightly shots? Why do I take all those pills in the morning? Am I in a false state of acceptance or in a state of acceptance of knowing I can only control what I can control?

Finally, why am I so willing to believe that if I talk about something good happening that I will actually cause it to go bad? If I say a specific word that I have jinxed myself? However, on the reverse side, there is nothing I can do or say to help something good happen. Why am I willing to give the sad and unhappy things so much meaning and bearing in my life?

I Am A Judger

‘Should’ and ‘Shouldn’t’ are expectations and judgments.

You should….
That should…
It shouldn’t…
Why shouldn’t…

They place a value and expectation on something. I think that this goes along with what other bloggers have been saying about feelings during the 2ww or pregnancy.

I got worried last night when my queasiness went away. I thought ‘I should feel queasy… it’s a sign the pregnancy is over.’ Then another thought, ‘I shouldn’t think that way.’

In reality, I have been trained to think that way. It’s the way it’s always ended. A sudden lack of symptoms, having my energy back, or not having symptoms at all. All based on how I should or shouldn’t feel. An expectation on a pregnancy. I do have to say- I feel happiest when I feel the worst.

Last Wednesday I went to my Ob to get some antibiotics because their office likes to treat you when your sick- I do love my Ob by the way. She asked me how I was feeling, if I was feeling ‘pregnant.’ I told her in that moment I was but that my sinus infection over the weekend seemed to be masking my symptoms I might have been having. In my paranoia I asked, ‘Can I get another beta check? We are about to drop a lot of money on IVIg and I don’t want to spend the money on a pregnancy that isn’t progressing.’ AKA a beta of 423? How do I know this isn’t a chemical pregnancy? To which she responded…

‘You shouldn’t feel that way, I have a good feeling about this.’

Another judgment. Shouldn’t. What in my history says I ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way? She is not the only person to have said something of this manner to me. I have had many MANY people say this to me. I know that they are well meaning and encouraging me to have hope. They just want to make me feel better… but those responses are about them not about me.

You know what the nurse and the lab tech said to me when I went to get my fourth lab done and I said it was because of my paranoia?

‘Well, I can’t blame you’ and ‘You’ve been through a lot [insert name], I can understand why.’ These are the most comforting comments I get. They don’t place judgments on me or the pregnancy. They just accept me and my feelings.

This is hard. Really hard. And let’s be honest, of course I have hope. Otherwise, I wouldn’t keep doing this and taking all the meds that I take and try experiential treatments. I will even say it out loud, ‘I am pregnant. I want this pregnancy and I want to stay this way for at least another 8-1/2 months.’ (Felt like I was in an AA for a moment there! Now everyone- ‘Hi Grad3’)

I would also like to apologize to my baby…

*It’s not your fault my history is what it is. It’s not that I don’t want you. I do… I really do. That is why I have been working so hard to keep you. It’s just that I don’t know any different right now. This is just very hard for me. Hard for me to expect anything different than what I have been given in the past. I hope you know that you are loved and very much wanted. I am sorry that I cannot be better at this but I will try harder to not place an expectation on you.*

With all that being said, my beta last Wednesday came out very nice, it was a little over 4,000. So it was still tripling. My IVIg was done that Thursday. I was a little anxious but it wasn’t bad at all. I am starting to get scared because of my lack of symptoms but they have come back a little today. Mostly, I am getting scared because my u/s is on Monday. And well, I am just scared. I know that I have every reason to hope and I know that things look promising. I really will try not to place a judgment or expectation on this baby or pregnancy. Or me really. It’s just a scary place to be. And it is what it is.

'IF'

Ever notice how the acronyms for infertility are 'IF'?

IF we try this …
IF we do this …
What IF …
IF this happens …
IF the results are …
IF this fails …
IF this does work ...

Coincidence? I think not.

Happy News, 3 Labs, and A Thank You

First my happy news- my friend, and RPL'er- we'll call her Sweets, had her u/s today! They saw a heartbeat for the very first time!!! I am so, so, so excited for them. All the good thoughts and wishes must have helped 'cause this is the farthest they have ever been. A long way to go still but much has been accomplished... (happy sigh). I hope this is it for them.

My 3 48- hour labs came back and were the following:
Lab#1- Progesterone (33.6), HCG (46)
Lab#2- HCG (140)
Lab#3- HCG- (423)

All my pregnancies have doubled in HCG, but my progesterone was always low. Ironically, the one where the progesterone was high, my beta's didn't double. So things look promising but I still have a loooong way to go. My IVIg treatment should be this Thursday. L and I have decided no more b/w since it won't really tell us anything and might only give us more worry. What I am most happy about is that my progesterone was high on it's own, no suppository help in order for me to get that number. It brings a strange sense of relief.

Saving the most important for last. Thank you. I can't tell you how it warmed my heart that so many people supported me and posted... you just let me talk. You listened, you didn't push or nag. It was very much what I needed. And I don't think I realized how much I needed it until I got it. So thank you all so much and thank you for sending me luck. I am still going to need it, but for now, we are just a little closer to the "c- word."