**pregnancy mentioned**
I was invited to a PWP blog "The I Word..." and I checked it out. Very cool blog and Elizabeth got me thinking about things.
As a fertility challenged women to a newly pregnant one I find that my irrational RPL thoughts are still with me. While I should know better than to think that these things don't just disappear, I am still a little surprised.
L and I were at O.live G.arden (love the Minestrone soup and bread sticks!) and a couple walked in with a baby that was 4-5 months old. I thought, "Lucky Bast**ds." The thought was immediate. No filter. It took me couple of seconds to realize that could be me in many months. Weird.
I have realized, psychologically, that I still think that I could ruin this pregnancy if I look at baby things to long on the computer- or if I have to wear maternity pants. I look at a very pregnant person and think- "I hope that I can get there someday."
It's all so irrational. And yet, these thoughts continue to come as easily as breathing.
All that said, I am making good progress at happiness for this pregnancy. Why just the other day, I borrowed 3 pregnancy books from my sister! 3! L and I have actually been having conversations about when to start preparing the baby's room. And the color choices too boot!
Also, this is my biggest step- two people outside my family asked if I was pregnant- and I said "Yes, but we aren't telling people yet." This pretty gutsy stuff for me... and yet my irrational thoughts continue- like none of these positive things are happening too me.
At some point soon, I am going to have to just trust this process and let go and really enjoy. I am going to start working to make sure the day arrives soon.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Im sure its hard to just let all past feelings go. And in a way, I hope you never do--BUT, that being said, I want you to enjoy this pregnancy so very much=) I just mean that I think you are the type of person who will always value the life lessons that struggling to get pregnant has taught you--and that is something we all admire!
Many hugs to you!
You may not ever be able to let all of it go, but that isn't a bad thing. You'll always have the understanding of what this could be like for anyone around you. You "know".
I do hope that you're increasingly able to enjoy this pregnancy. I'm sure it will hit you in waves that this is really real. You deserve it after all you've had to go through! <3
Hey, thanks for the shout-out! Funny how much of the IF journey continues.
I hear you! I am dealing with similar issues. One day at a time,huh?
It has to be hard to let all of the past thoughts and emotions go. I'm not sure if I could do it, and I'm not a RPLer. I hope that you find your comfort soon and can start enjoying this. You SO deserve it! :)
Post a Comment