Bad Idea

My bad idea was to watch Criminal Minds non-stop on this website.

It's a great show (if only I were smart enough to be a profiler, damn!)... but L is out of town and I am now so paranoid, 'cause I am the only one who can protect Lil' P, I am thinking about getting a baseball bat for the bedroom.

And I have to sleep with the living room light on... how old am I again???

A Dedication

I was driving the other day and began to cry as I listened to this song. It reminded me of the RPL and Infertility experience. While I find myself on the other side of my journey it remains with me. So I dedicate this song to all the beautiful women out there who are coping with this painful situation and to those who have reached the conclusion their journey.

Go On My Child by Mich.elle Feather.stone

Don't hang your head low 'cause I can't see your face
In your reflection I see your beauty embrace
And when the light shines bright to show you your way
Do not be weary don't turn your head away

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Your soul is aching and it's dying to be heard
This might be painful but consider the worth
And when you feel like there's nobody on your side
They will embrace you with a radiant smile

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

So you wanna give up and you can't find strength
But I believe that you will make it in the end
So you wanna step back and you want to retreat
But I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
Nothing you can't be

Don't feel so naked I am the blanket of hope
Your words are life rafts and they keep us afloat
And when this long painful journey comes to an end
They will be touched by the message
The message you've sent

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Smile

Remains

I still get jealous of people who become pregnant quickly and easily...

What have you done?

I saw this on Leah's blog and thought it was pretty darn cool! I have done all the things highlighted in yellow. If you join in let me know so I can what you have done...

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphins
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a rollercoaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing friends
Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived and accident you shouldn't have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US states
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten Fried Green Tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident

All Alone

Not that I am "feeling" alone- just that L has started back to his travel schedule. He (and his boss) are trying to break me slowly since L's trip will only be for 3 days, not the traditional 7 day.

Lil' P and I are here all alone for the next couple of days. My oldest sister will be coming for a visit tomorrow and I will (hopefully) be spending the following day with a good friend and her kids.

I am wondering how I will take our dog for his evening walk. But of even greater importance, how will I eat?

Thank You D.arren Sta.r and Candanc.e Bushn.ell

***Spoiler Below***

Last week my in-laws came to town and allowed me to have a few hours of "me" time- I had seriously almost forgotten that I am more than just a mom these days...

So I decided to go see S.ex I.n Th.e Ci.ty at the theaters, I loved, loved, loved the series. While I enjoyed the movie overall I was a little, no- scratch that, I was very pissed off about how the writers portrayed Charlotte York's fertility story.

(Insert sarcasm)

Look! She's suddenly pregnant because she adopted! (and they actually say so in the movie)

You have got to be freakin' kidding me- can we please perpetuate this idiotic thinking a little more to those outside the fertility world? 'Cause that would be awesome... as if we don't have enough stupid cliches to deal with.

Grrrr.....

Thank God

The growth spurt is over... I was nursing Lil' P every hour on the hour between midnight and 4am for the last several days.

Must sleep.

Lil' P: Now and Then

Motherhood Is Tough On The Ego

I am doing better emotionally but the title sums up the last couple of days. Thanks for the support ladies!

The Big No-No

We continue to struggle with breast feeding. We just cannot seem to keep the correct latch going once nursing begins. So I have resolved to the fact that we will always be using a nipple shield. We tried practicing the latch- pulling him off when it's not right etc. but it was such a frustrating experience for the both of us. It just wasn't worth it anymore.

Our little man is eating about every 2 hours right now and I feel like a cow- I am starting to consider the "big no-no"... adding some formula to one of our night feedings (I will wait for gasps to stop)-

I am just so, so, so tired. I don't like feeling this way. I don't feel like I have the patience or stamina to deal with fussiness that Lil' P has sometimes- the nightitme feedings are the worst. Then I don't want to go out during the day because I am too tired- and I NEED to get out and engage with other adults. When I don't have sleep I am NOT a good parent (seriously, I am not), I get so desperately frustrated. People I know keep saying it's going to get better but no one can tell me when. If I knew when I feel like I might be able to cope better. Instead, I am tired all the time. I actually miss having the energy to complete a load of laundry. Or to clean the kitchen. Or the house in general now as it's a wreck. I know all these things are to expected but I don't feel good as a person, parent, or wife when I feel worn out and exhausted all day long, everyday.

I never realized how much pressure there was out there to breastfeed. When I told the hospital staff and my dr's that I was breastfeeding they all said "good for you" or "great- keep it up". What do they say to the women who don't? I know that breast milk is best for our baby but isn't a reasonably sane mother just as beneficial??

I am still holding out but the honest truth is- I don't want to strictly breast feed anymore. I want some one to tell me it's fine to use formula and then to hand me a case of the stuff. I want and need some of my sleep back and I need to feel like more than just a cow. I want to feel like I am better parent and not be judged because formula might help me do that.

Late Mother's Day

While I missed Mother's Day I would like to post this picture in honor of my mom.

She loved Lilacs... I love you mom and I think of you daily.

Boy, Has My Nutshell Changed!

Our baby arrived 05/03/08 at 7:05am!

My water broke at home just before midnight, 05/01/08, and contractions started about 45 minutes after. We were admitted to the hospital about 2am.

It was a very long labor… after going natural for 14 hours my body could no longer relax through the contractions and I was not able to establish an “adequate” labor so I received an epidural. After another hour or two of labor a pattern was still not established. After some decision making we added pitocin to the regiment in an effort to avoid a c- section.

You would think that this would result in a baby being born soon- but you’d be wrong! After being on pitocin for a couple of more hours my labor started to become established but the dr was concerned about the strength of the contractions, so they put in a internal monitor. After doing that the baby started to react poorly and they took me off the pitocin to let the baby regroup. Of course my contractions then slowed so we waited a couple of more hours and I was then placed back on it.

Finally, a labor pattern was established with the baby responding well. Finally, at 5am the following morning, I started to push. Sometime after I started to push my IV for the pitocin and epidural came out- everyone failed to notice- so the pushing was all natural for those two hours.

Oddly, no one told me what the sex was- I had to ask! That’s when I found out our baby boy had arrived!

We are still recuperating after our 31 hour labor but are getting through it. L was a champ and still is. He has been an incredible source of strength for me and D. I start to cry every time I think about it.

We are struggling with breast feeding, which is one of the reasons it’s taken me so long to post this, but the lactation consultant is great and we have already seen her twice now. It's more emotionally challenging that I had ever thought. Each time I consider stopping and going to strictly pumping I feel like I have failed in some way- guess that's a whole different post though.

I hope to keep posting often but I think it will be sporadic for at least the next couple of weeks- at best. I will try to keep up with everyone but if I don't post please know that I am thinking of you all and wishing you great things...

So that's my nutshell of a new life!

Today's Nutshell

Thanks for to all for the support and understanding- it was nice to know that I wasn't crazy for feeling upset about Hussie. It helped a lot!!!

However, Hussie may not actually be the one who is the hussie. But that's for later in the story...

So I ended up talking to my sister, E, about how I was feeling. She was able to calm me down some and I became a bit more rational (but only a bit). I think ultimately what I needed most, was for someone close to me to be empathetic which she was able to do.

So in the conversation that I had with E we decided that it would be best to not have the birthday dinner at my oldest sisters house as originally planned. We decided that a local restaurant would be better- neutral territory and I felt like our family space was not being invaded. The dinner wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. While Hussie seemed nice enough, and appropriately nervous, I didn't get a whole lot of time to chat with her. Although, her mannerisms reminded me of a close family friend which was slightly endearing to me (as I love this family friend). Hussie stayed several days but I only had dinner with her that one night. I did observe during the evening though that every time my dad would try to be affectionate she would pull away. I am not sure if that was because of our presence or because she was not ready for that type of display. I think perhaps a little of both.

So you are wondering who the hussie is in this story, right? I think it might actually be my dad. After the Original Hussie left I was talking to E who told me that my dad was leaving AGAIN this weekend. Where you may be wondering??? To meet up with ANOTHER woman. When my sister inquired about her name he couldn't remember. Nice.

Over the years I have gotten the impression that my father didn't date a lot- perhaps he is getting it out of his system now. (Sigh)...

My family is nuts and I know my mom just keeps shaking her head.

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

Just wanted to say that my contractions continue and became close enough last night at 1:30am to indicate to us that we needed to go to the hospital. Upon arrival, I had my first internal exam done (as I was/ am declining them to decrease the risk of infection). I discovered while my contractions were lasting for 1 minute and 4 minutes apart for 1 hour (4-1-1) I was not effaced or dilated enough- so we were sent home. I was managing the pain and didn't really feel like we needed to go (and I didn't want to get to the hospital to be sent home), but I thought L would kill me if I fought him on going. Overall, it was a good learning experience.

I learned I do not like being in the bed at all, the change of environment really decreased the intensity of my contractions, and the baby does well during contractions. So, we need to make sure that my contractions are very established (going on longer than 1 hour) the next time and even though the maternity triage nurse will strap me to a wired monitor, I am not getting in the bed until she is ready to check me.

L and I agreed that when this happens again ('casue duh, it will) we are going to base our decision on leaving for the hospital on what my intuition is telling me and how I am feeling about the contractions- instead of what the clock is telling us. Like I said though, it was a good learning expereince.

So that's me and my life in a nutshell... for today

Let Me Catch My Breath

So I have posted here before about the loss of my mom, which will be 3 years in November.

Now, for a minute, I want to reflect on my current situation. I am about to give birth to my first, and possibly, only child. I cannot begin to explain the amount of different emotions this alone brings up for me. Sadness, that I cannot share this experience physically with her. Comfort, in knowing that that she is with me despite our different existences. Jealousy, at knowing that this child will have first hand knowledge of only his paternal grandmother. Hurt, that we will only have pictures of her holding Lil' P and none of my mom. These are just the emotional issues I can come up with off the top of my head.

Now, rewind to approximately to 1-1/2 months ago. My dad decided create a profile for a dating website. I was kind of prepared for this- I know how much he misses the companionship of my mom. He's just lonely and I hate that for him. So when he told my sisters and I about this website we were a little taken back but supportive. In the end we want our dad to be happy, really we do.

My dad said he wasn't doing anything, just seeing who was out there. Wanting to make new connections with people. Exploring. He said that he wouldn't bring anyone around to meet the family unless it was someone who he thought was special. Dad said he wouldn't be with anyone the family didn't like. So I was thinking alright, maybe in a couple of months he will start to see someone... blah, blah, blah. We are all young enough to remember dating and how it all worked. I have time to continue to adjust...

Well, last weekend he went to meet a woman. Alright. I will deal with that. He is meeting her at a place that is not invading my personal space right now. I am still working on adjusting to all this. He had a nice time, she's a nice lady, we like each other... blah, blah, blah. I was and am genuinely glad he had a nice time. THEN...

he comes over for dinner the other night and starts talking about getting remarried and what he will want to leave to his next wife in his will "Well, I can't just leave her out in the cold". Now all I can think is, "Can we please slow down??? You have spent what, 3 days with this chick? You don't know her at all!" I start worrying about this woman, who I don't even know, coming and taking all the money my mom and dad worked so hard to save. I see my mother looking at my father in her 'I can't believe I am hearing this' stance. I tell myself to relax, not to get all worked up because we all know how the dating process works, they aren't just going to jump into marriage. I mean he could just be talking to hear himself talk, right? We haven't even met this women yet. THEN...

he tells me that she might be coming for the weekend. I remind him quietly that we were celebrating my sister, E's birthday, at dinner (we are celebrating mine too although it was a month ago) this upcoming weekend. He says, "Well, what? You don't want her there?" I felt like a deer trapped in headlights. One, no I really don't want her at mine and my sister's birthday dinner. Who would want to meet their possible father's future girlfriend/wife at their birthday dinner I ask you- for the first time? Second, I am not really ready to meet this woman. They have known each other... 2 weeks? And met once? And she is already "special"? Third, I am obviously very pregnant. Not only do I not want to talk about my pregnancy with this woman, God forbid, what if I give birth while she's here??? (I think I may be experiencing prodromal labor but that's another story- focus!) I don't want her at the hospital. I panicked and pawned the decision off on my sister and just said, "Well you should ask E then because it's her b-day dinner". THEN...

I come home today and L says, "I am not trying to send you into labor but Hussie (that's what L and I call her) is coming this weekend". So I start thinking that we can at least move the dinner to Sunday 'cause that is when she is likely to leave, right? So I ask my dad how long Hussie is staying while she is in town. His response you ask??? "We don't know".

I realize this woman could be very nice. She could be a very upstanding person. She could be the long lost twin sister of my mother. I am not ready to meet this woman and I being forced into something I don't want. While I know this is not about me I am making it about me right now. I want my dad to be happy, he deserves it.

There are just too many emotions right now and my hormones and I can't take this. Can't we just slow down for a minute so I can catch my breath? Please?

My New Superhero Power

The superhero power I always wanted (for forever) was to be able to make any meal I wanted from anywhere that I wanted in the blink of an eye (I am sure this gives you some insight into my personality).

I thought of another one today that would be pretty cool...

Any type of uniform you put on or if you use an object that is associated with a certain profession you would instantly have complete knowledge of that particular career. So if you put on a dr's coat- you can give medical treatment. Want to put that tool belt on? Now you are a carpenter. Want to be a nuclear scientist? Make sure you find the right lab coat! I think that would be a pretty cool power. Think of all the money you could save and the people you could help :)

Want to chime in about the superhero power you would like????

It's All Good... For Now

*** Pregnancy Mentioned***

I know I don't always forewarn people when I am going to talk about my pregnancy or pregnancy related things- sorry, I am trying to be better about it!

So my appt. on Friday was very uneventful (yay!) I got to see my ob and we spoke a little about what happened at the last appt. She measured my belly and said I was measuring 37w- which is good because I was 36w4d at the time.

I did end up doing a quick u/s because she couldn't tell if Lil' P's head was still down. It was and she said the placenta looked nice and healthy. She said that while I had extra fluid and a good size baby she was not worried about anything. She agreed to let me start the Herapin shots at the start of 38w (boo for 2 shots a day!). However, I did have the ever so humbling experience of the Group B Strep test. It brought back all the warm fuzzy feelings of the RE's office, who knew how much I missed dropping my pants!

She did offer to "check me" but I declined- I told her it would just make me more anxious. Quite frankly I don't want to worry about something happening until I have everything at work wrapped up. Better to get a surprise if Lil' P decides to show early!

She did say that she was impressed at how well my body was handling the pregnancy. She said I have had very little swelling, the appropriate weight gain, and only slight bruising from the Lovenox shots. It sounds so vain- but it made me feel good (as if I have something to do with it)...

The Showers Are Over

I had my baby showers over the last 2 to 3 weeks. They were all very nice and I enjoyed them all. Now L's office is having one for us next week. While it's really very sweet, we don't don't expect more than 4 people there, as L likes to keep a low profile :)

I will admit this here (but will deny it IRL)- I made myself sick by eating so much at my first shower (seriously, how old am I??)

While we did not get a lot of things off our registry, we still got things that we could use. Now we are just reassessing the list to decide what things that we need to get. My in-laws got us our changing table, my sister in-law purchased us our car seat, and my sisters are going to help us purchase our stroller. Needless to say, we feel very blessed with our family and friends generosity.

I added the picture because it reminds me of ALL the food I ate- and I have a thing for cake lately...

*******

Thanks to all who posted positive thoughts and stories for me. It truly made me feel better. Lil' P and I had a talk and I explained the importance of staying in-utero for at least couple more weeks (we went over the pros and cons list). I did tell him that I will trust his judgement so if things become too scary or risky in there he is welcome to arrive. So far, it appears he has listened as he is actually a little higher :) Thanks again everyone!

Holy Cow!!!!

Ummm... the baby has dropped.

This isn't really a comforting thing to me as we are so, so, so, soooooo not ready.

I wasn't going on maternity leave until May 1.

We just ordered our changing table.

Did I mention we are not ready?

We just got our baby bedding.

There are no clothes washed.

We are having our hospital tour today.

I have three major outstanding projects at work.

Have I told you that we are not ready for baby to arrive?

I haven't even had a chance yet to post about my two showers for crying out loud! Let alone start the thank you cards!!!!

I have read that for first time mom's they notice that the baby drops/ engages 1-2w prior to labor- although sometimes longer. While I realize that this is not about us but we just aren't ready...

Does anyone know of anyone where it has been on the longer side?? Could you tell me some positive stories??? Please?

Ships... great big ships... (quick- what movie is that line from???)

Nice Reframe

So I came home tonight and said to L, "If one more person says, 'Oh, my God! You are getting SO BIG!' or 'I can't believe you still have 5 weeks left! You are going to have this baby by the end of April!' I am going to slap 'em".

L's response- "People are just so used to seeing you all little, skinny, and small... they just can't get over the way you look with a healthy baby".

Nice way to reframe things L... nice :)

Let Me Clarify

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

Thanks for all the positive thoughts and well wishes. I have since calmed down and have been able to take a breath.

I spoke with the doula and she was able to give me some information and talk to me a little about my options and choices. She told me she had never heard of any one being concerned about having too much amniotic fluid- usually the concern is too little. However, she did send me some articles on amniotic fluid levels and giving birth to large babies. It had a lot of straight forward info in there so it was some good reading. It did discuss some concerns that could arise if certain things happend.

This has led me to think that maybe that was why the ob was avague with me. Since she is not my regular ob she dosen't know that not providing information is what causes my anxiety!!

L and I spoke about what the ob said and I shared the info from our doula. We are on the same page- if Lil' P is happy and healthy and he is not showing any sign of distress then there is no reason to change our course. If they recommend another u/s we will go to appease "the white coats". He reminded me of what our doula said- that sometimes we will have to pick our battles and there isn't a lot to lose by going in for another u/s if that's what they recommend.

I didn't mean to sound in my last post like I wouldn't want an induction no matter what. I just don't feel like having a large baby is a legitimate reason to induce- for me and my situation. Of course I would induce or have a c- section if he was showing signs of distress, I would say bring it on!!! It would then be a matter of which is going to have the fewest complications.

The good thing that has happend is out of this is that I have gotten a lot of "good" induction stories which was a nice change! I always hear about the bad ones (ever notice how everyone wants to tell you the horrible birth stories and not the good ones when you are pregnant??)!

Just wanted to give my most recent thoughts about the situation and tell everyone thanks for the input :) We will see what comes next week...

Lil' P's Progress

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So L and I went to the peri last week, I was 33 weeks then. Overall, things looked good and Lil' P is healthy. Very healthy- this is where the cause for concern is coming in. The peri told us that the she is measuring 1w2d ahead of schedule and weighing in at 5lbs. and 2 oz. This would place her in the 58th percentile. He also said I had a little more amniotic fluid than the average women.

He wasn't worried as all my tests have come back fine. I have since attempted to start eating a little better as more fluid can be an indication of gestational diabetes. I have been tested twice and passed both times but since I responded to the Metformin I thought it prudent to start keeping a better eye on what I eat (not how much). He also explained that he would not be changing in my due date and there was no need to make another appointment.

What makes me nervous is what happened at my ob's office today. I was seeing one of dr's (it's a large practice) and she was taking the fundal measurement (aka- measuring my belly with a tape measure) and said, "Wow... you are measuring 3 weeks ahead". Now admittedly, this ob said that she was not concerned as I had just had a u/s the previous week and the fundal measurement can be off for many reasons.

However, she also said that if I am still measuring large (which they consider to be 3 weeks or more) they will want to send me back to the peri for another u/s. When I asked what they anticipated to learn she said how big the baby is and the level of amniotic fluid. If Lil' P was large and there was more amniotic fluid that my regular ob may talk to me about induction.

Yikes!!! I do not want an induction!

I know enough to know that a u/s can be off, one way or another by a 1lb or more. I know that I can refuse to have the u/s. I really do believe that a women's body can give birth to a big baby- no matter how small she may be (isn't that why our pelvis is in 3 parts and the baby's head is not yet fused together?). I also believe that babies come when they are ready- not when we are. I don't think nature screws up a lot in this area.

I am afraid that I will get a lot of pressure to have this baby early if I agree to have this u/s. I am also afraid to not have the u/s because what if the baby is doing poorly and I don't know it? I know that I may be getting myself worked up for nothing- maybe things will resolve in the next two weeks. Anything could happen right? In the meantime, I will be making a call to my doula asking her about these things. Gotta love the doula :)

Cheers, To My New Friend!

Why, Hello Baby!

***Pregnany Mentioned***

These are the 4D u/s pics that we had taken at week 28-29. Sorry it took me so long to post these!

There really is a baby in there- it's not just bad gas!

Countdown And Hormonal Ramblings

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So begins the countdown to D-Day, or, the so-called due date. It's hard to believe that I am 32 weeks- about 8 weeks left. I still feel like I am living some else's life, that this isn't really "my" baby. I wonder when that feeling goes away. Is when I have my first shower? When labor starts? The first time I try to nurse? Or when the three of us leave the hospital? When does this start to feel less surreal?

One question that I get asked all the time is, "When is the baby due?" I always say early May- due date be damned. Knowing the chemical make up of this child is mine and my husbands, I am quite sure that this child has plans of their own! I also always get asked, "Have you thought about...? Are you going to... ? What about... ?" It really taps into my anxiety because I don't know despite my being a planner by nature. Every child is different and will respond to certain things differently. Sometimes I just want to shout, "This is hard enough, back off!" I have ideas but I don't know if they are going to work... What if Lil' P hates everything thing I try? Sigh... I wish people would say, "All children are different and you'll figure it out- everyone makes it up as they go along." How I wish my mom were physically here...

There are still so many things left to do- little projects I am trying to complete while trying to take as much work as I possibly can. (Thank goodness work has picked up slightly but I won't reap any benefits until mid- April. We will have to hang tight until then.) L just laughs at me and tells me I am nesting. Maybe I am but I can't believe how many little things I have put off because I felt like I had all this time to do them.

Hmmm... perhaps I am feeling a little hormonal today??? (I think I have teared up 3 times while writing this post- geez, get a grip!) As exciting as this is I find myself asking the age old questions that I think all first time mom's ask... am I going to be a good mother, am I going to secretly hate it, and how many times am I going to screw up?

Things To Appreciate

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So during the journey to this pregnancy there were many times when I thought I should appreciate the things that I could do. So here was the list that I would try to focus on:

1. Sitting quietly on the couch working on my cross stitch.
2. Making my favorite lunch (in case you are wondering- it's a tuna sandwich with bread and butter pickles, chips, and a coke- hey, it's tasty to me!) and sitting down for the afternoon to read my new book because I was able to...
3. Hop in the car to go to Star.buck's, B.arnes & N.obel, or Tar.get anytime I wanted.
4. Having a phone conversation completely void of interruption.
5. Eating my chocolaty treat without having to hide or share it.

Since becoming pregnant, more large, and awkward I would like to make a list of things that were under appreciated while I was waiting to get here. Now please know that I wouldn't trade where I am for the world- I realize my gift. However, these are just several things that were undervalued when I had the opportunity to fully enjoy them...

6. Sleeping on my stomach.
7. Sleeping without having to get up and use the bathroom 3 times a night.
8. Having a dreamless, heavy sleep.
9. Being able to find a comfortable position to lay in and sleep in all night.
(Noticing a theme?)
10. Being able to have s*x with my husband and feeling attractive at the same time.
11. Being able to sit up using my stomach muscles.
12. Appreciating my body for what it was pre-pregnancy instead of complaining about it ('Cause the stretch marks and the fat around knees are starting to make me see it will never be the same, and really, was it so bad before?)
13. Being able to bend and cut my own toenails.
14. Being able to eat without having to worry about dropping something on my stomach.
15. Being able to cross my legs.

Do you have a list of things that you try to appreciate while waiting to finish your journey?

Surreal

***pregnancy mentioned***

My name was on the marquee! It was up there in lights!

Alright, that's exaggerating a bit- well a lot- but that is what it felt like. The other night I received an evite to my very own baby shower. I can't help myself from looking at it a couple of times a day. I just keep thinking, "Wow, that's me... the invitation is talking about me. Me and my baby." Sounds weird to say that about an invitation and not the act of registering.

There are still times when I wonder if I am really going to have this baby. You know like, "Are we really going to get a dog?" or "Are we really going to backpack across Europe?" These are things that you talk about but do they really happen?

I have to say overall it really does look like we will have a baby come May. Then doubt and worry start to kick in. I have been worried lately that maybe we shouldn't have stopped the IVIg treatments. Despite Lil' P seeming to move more than ever and she (remember I use "he" ans "she" interchangeably!) woke me up several times last night. I know that it's all just fear but it still all seems so surreal to me. So surely the rug will be pulled out form under me if my expectations are too high.

As for the other part of my life that isn't nearly as surreal- figuring out how we are going to make things work financially once the baby is here. Things are tight right now and since my work is really, really slow things just got a lot tighter. What are we going to do when this happens and the baby is here??? I am trying to remind myself that there is still plenty of time to figure it out and make adjustments. Perhaps my new mantra should be "God would not give us anything that we couldn't handle" as this is the phrase I have been repeating to myself these past two weeks.

Ugh, if only I could have won the lottery two nights ago. That would have made everything surreal- in a good way.

Been MIA

Sorry I have been MIA- my computer got sick and is still being worked on so internet access is limited for me!

I am hoping to catch up with everyone by the end of next week! Hope all is well :)

One Eww and $7.00 Later

So you ever try something new only to be completely disappointed?

That's what happened to me today. I went to Star.bucks wanting a Decaf Mocha Frapp.uccino. However, since they never ever sell them you have to wait 15 minutes to get one. Last time I was in they suggested an iced Cafe Mocha. I declined that day because who wants to be disappointed? So I got my traditional Cafe Mocha instead (it was chilly outside that day.)

No matter the weather conditions lately a frappuccino just sounds tastier. However, it also has caffine in it so I prefer getting the decaf. So this leaves me in a bind of sorts.

Well, today I went in and ordered an decaf Iced Mocha (I threw caution to the wind). Can you say, "Eww!"? Why would this replace a decaf Mocha Frappucinno???? I took one sip while walking down the sidewalk and said "Ewww...". I then took another one just to make sure and said, "Yup, still sick" and threw it away. Then had to go to a different Starbuck's across town because I couldn't walk back into the other one and order another drink (I was too embarrassed) and I had a nasty taste in my mouth.

To throwing caution to the wind... I say, "Screw you!"

Wish

Some days I wish I were my dog. He just seems so carefree and happy. If I were my dog, people could just let outside to play on a nice day. Then I would investgate the outside by sniffing around and I would take a little snooze in sun on the back porch to rest my poor tired paws.

To top off my day, I would have a nice leisurely walk outside, only to come home to someone else who would give me a nice scratch and be given a tasty treat.

I wish I were my dog.

Huh

***pregnancy mentioned***

It was a nice afternoon, about 60 degrees outside so there was no need for a jacket.

As I was walking into Moe's for lunch (I got the Ruprict incase you are wondering) I opened the door and, quite suddenly, me and my belly felt very exposed... very vunerable. I tried to put my hand over my growing belly to try and conceal it (but that was like trying to cover up the huge pimple that was in the middle of my forehead before the 8th grade dance- impossible).

I think that it's odd that I still feel anxious when others might realize I am pregnant and ask questions. That there are still times, even at 27 weeks, when I still feel the need and urge to hide my pregnancy.

Hang Tough NKOTB

I know it's wrong on several different levels but... NKOTB rules!

My favorite was always Jon- the older wiser man of the group :) Who was yours???? Admit it, you know you had a favorite!

Updates and Such

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So we had our first birthing class on Saturday. I think that it will give us a lot of information, which is something that always makes me feel better. The teacher of the class was one of the two doulas I considered. Teach, the one teaching the class, and the other we'll call M, because I can't think of anything creative right now.

L thought that Teach was rather bossy and told me that he felt intimidated by her. Which I thought was funny. She's been in the birthing business for over 20 years, I thought she was just confident and had her definite opinions. I can't help but wonder if L felt that she was "bossy" because she was a women. He did agree with me that we would get a lot of good information out of the class.

Which brings me to the next little update. I have thought about it a lot over the last month and I have realized that what I want is my mom physically present at the birth. That isn't going to happen although I know she will be there in spirit. I am wanting something a little more concrete (nothing personal mom!) The next best thing is a doula. Someone to help us at home, help at the hospital, help us stay calm and focused. To make sure we are calling as many shots as possible (it is my body) and to make sure we aren't getting bowled over by doctors. So during our drive to the birthing class I explained all this to L. He told me still understood why I would want another women there, that I have good intuition, he does not believe that it would be selfish of me to spend money on a doula, and he is happy with whatever I want.

I thought about it more during class and about what L said. My very first instinct was was to have a doula and I think that it's important I feel as supported as possible. So I have emailed the doula I wanted, M, and am hoping that she is still available. As soon as I made that decision, I could feel a large portion of my anxiety ease. And I don't feel as intimidated anymore or like I have to be "so" prepared. That last statement makes me sound a little neurotic, yikes!

I think that L is even more comfortable with having a doula because in the class there was a lot of talk about higher rates of post-partum depression among women who were unhappy with their birth experiences. I think that made L take notice. I told L that M is a younger that Teach, she felt a little more laid back to me and that I really liked the way she answered my questions (it was the reason I interviewed her in person) He said that he would like someone who is younger- like she would be a little more on our level. I agree that M is more our style of person so I am hoping that this will work out.

The only other info I really have to offer on the baby front is that I finally started a registry. It was crazy strange but I have. I am glad I started it online because I became overwhelmed (I had flash back of registering when I was getting married- ugh!) I have been doing some research on certain products but- it was nothing like having to really make a decision. Anyway, I plan on finishing some more up in the store next weekend as one of good friends, who is about to be a second time mom, is going to come with me. She wants to see all the new stuff and I want someone there to say, "You don't want that one because... try this one instead".

Sorry it takes so long for me to post these days but with L gone all the time I am trying to take care of everything myself. Then I am trying to work as much as possible while I have the energy so we can save some cash. I do check the blogs all the time I just may not comment! Hope all you lovelies can forgive me :)

Apology

I feel like I owe you an apology for my post on Monday. I was so distraught and upset I didn't know what else to do. Later that day I realized how upsetting that post could be to some people if not forewarned. I meant to come back and edit it but- time got away from me.

I know that we live in the world of IF and in turn this means we see many things. Late losses are a part of that. So while I know that we are all aware of the possibility, and that it does exists, I doesn't mean that we want to be reminded of that. I know that there have been times when I just wasn't able to muster up the energy to read about a loss or when I just didn't need to be reminded of it.

With that said, LeLe is doing as well as can be expected and I know that she is grateful for any prayers and positive energy that people have sent. I truly thank you for your support of her.

I appreciate your patience with me and do apologize if caught some of you off guard.

Lost

One of my dear friends, LeLe, lost her second baby girl last night at 20 weeks. She lives very far away from me so I can be of little help.

The only thing that I can think of is to post this picture and send many, many prayers out to her, her husband, her two sons, and now her two daughters. Please send comforting prayers to her and her family. To describe this situation as unfair, well, it doesn't even do it justice.

LeLe, I pray that God is carrying you at this time and please know how much we love you, your family and your angels.

Last Treatment

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

Finally. I have found a large sense of relief in knowing my last IVIg treatment is next week. But in this relief I have also found some guilty feelings. It's not that I don't think that it's been worth it, cause I think that it has changed something but I am tired. I am tired of the needles, the planning, the ordering, and watching all that money disappear. Over the last three years my empathy with lab rats has increased three fold. I'm mostly just tired of it all.

As I said logically, I know that it has helped, it's just hard for the practical side of me when there is no baby to physically hold. This feeling reminds me of the days when I would hand the RE money trying to get here. Now I am trying to stay here. I can feel baby move regularly but somehow it's just different. I hope that these feelings don't make me a bad parent. I am sure that once I am holding Lil' P in my arms I will sigh with relief, happiness, and contentment. I am am just still waiting for the moment when I feel like everything is going to be okay.

My jury is still out on the whole doula thing. Although, the practical side of myself is still wining. I probably would do it but now that we are having one last treatment... well, it's just hard for me to justify. We'll see. Originally, I said I would make the decision by the end of this month but I think it may wait until after our second birthing class.

It's hard to believe but we have our first birthing class next Saturday. Crazy, crazy, crazy...

In other exciting news, we had snow here the other night but once the ground was nicely blanketed, it started to rain so I didn't get a picture. However, they are predicting snow for us again today so I think that I will post a picture of snow just to encourage old man winter.

My Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in this large, old house with grey walls. Inside, I gave birth to my baby all alone. I wasn't frantic or scared, I was quite calm and collected (it would be nice if real life reflected this!)

I started to breastfeed the baby and I sat down in this comfortable chair- feeling all warm and cozy. My sisters came in and I said with a smile, "Come meet James! You all missed it..."

My sisters laughed and asked if I had checked to sure that the baby was indeed a boy. I said, "No, I know it's a boy". So my sisters made me check- and it was a girl.

I told L this morning that he had better make me check when this baby arrives :)

Name 12 Things Challenge

I feel like there are many times when I complain about L but at the end of day I do still like him, not just love him. Often, the the traits that frustrate me the most are also the very ones, that when we first met, made the most attracted to him.

So in honor of the new year changing over, and this being the 12th day, I am going to list 12 things that I like about L.

1. L makes me laugh by just being silly at times. Like the a couple of weeks ago he started dancing around in his boxers and t-shirt and continued to dance while pulling up his tee shirt to make a bra. All while signing a song he "wrote." It. Was. Hot.

2. I like that he has a strong foundation in religion. While it drives me insane that he needs to go every Sunday (can't a girl take a break?) it's good for me to learn about Jesus and the Bible. While I have true faith in God, it's the fundamentals and background information I lack.

3. At the end of the day, L can really support me and listen when I need it the most. He has an uncanny way of telling when something is truly important to me.

4. When I need a hug, he is always willing to give me one. After a rough day at work it's a great feeling to just be held in his arms.

5. When I have a headache that stretches the length of my forehead, from stress or thinking too long (I squint my eyebrows together when I do this), he places several kisses right over those spots and the headache subsides. It always amazes me how that works!

6. I love that I still think that he's cute, has such pretty blue eyes, and a nice, deep voice. Oh- and nice broad shoulders (What can I say? I still find him attractive!)

7. I like that when L goes out with his single friends (on the rare occasion) he always comes home and says how glad he is that he's "not out there anymore".

8. Despite the fact that I enjoy my solitude, I like it when L tells me he wants to come home when traveling.

9. I like the fact that he is a very social person and will talk to anyone about just about anything. (But for your own sake do not start talking about college football!)

10. I like that L has a passion, although it's football, it's makes me smile to watch him become so animated.

11. L will ask for help to do even the simplest task (this aggravates me when I am trying to do something). I can appreciate the fact that he's asking for help- it's a humble trait. It's something I definitely need to work on!

12. I like that L's values and ideas are traditional and vary little. While at times this drives me insane (cause I am a moderate person as you know!) I know that there is goodness at the core of them. And, quite frankly, it's nice to be able to have something consistent these days.

So the question is, are you up to the challenge? Can you list 12 things that you like about your partner? If you are up to it, let me know and I gladly add your link on my page!

This Makes Me Sick

This is the most disturbing thing that I have heard yet. It makes me realize how unseasoned I really am in my field.

I know the man must be disturbed but I find no empathetic or sympathetic feelings for him and I hope that he pays for his awful crime.

When It Rains

Which is no way an intended pun off one of my recent posts... (but still a little funny.)

Things have not started out well for L and I this year. As you can tell by the above mentioned post and now this post... (sigh.)

Well, tonight L came home with some disappointing news. He is about to start his last semester in his Master's program and his office knows that we have our first baby on the way so people were working on making very cool things happen for us- all in the finance department.

His direct boss, his bosses boss, and the bosses bosses boss (can you follow that?) had worked hard in the month of December to plan out the best way to get L the increase in pay he (we) need to take care of our family. Also, this plan was a way to keep L at this company as his current pay is not what it currently should be and once he completes his Masters he could easily command 3 times his current salary (after all one gets a Master's degree for the increase in pay- not the for the sake of knowledge its self... In this family we can be bought!)

So back to point... They had a great plan to maximize L's salary so that by this time next year he would be making close to an extra $1000.00 a month- after taxes. Awesome, right? It may not be what he could command elsewhere but it would be enough and L really does like it there. Well, the approval for the raise made it through 4 tiers (they have some serious red tape) and when it landed on the Sr. Vice President's desk, the last and final frontier of the half-year salary increases, for approval... it got denied. This increase in pay was not astronomical by any means- he has never gotten a raise and has been there two years as a student worker and 3 years as a full time employee. It was just time to show some appreciation.

What is frustrating is that where L works and how things are set up, the raise would have cost the company at large nothing. The raise would have been paid out the budget of his direct boss (which is one of the only sectors that actually makes money in the company) because they are set up like a private business within another business.

L is just so disappointed as well as is his boss and the upper level boss. The upper level boss is going to appeal it and talk to the VP next week... I am just so disappointed for him. He really wants to stay but at the amount he is getting now, even after he gets his degree raise in May, it's just not worth it. This increase is what was going to make it worth while in the end. I hope this appeal works. The another irritating consequence is that if L leaves his boss will likely have to hire someone at a higher salary rate then what L's final salary would have been (idiotic VP douche bag!)

We were also counting on that raise to help us save over the next couple months and to help us pay for part-time daycare costs once I go back to work, as we are still dependant on my check. Oy, vay...

With all that being said, Alison, reminded me of a thought that I had earlier today. Everything happens for a reason. I don't have to like it along the way but I need to learn to accept that life will unfold like it's supposed to. I need to learn to trust and focus on that thought right now.

Think, Think, Think...

I have been thinking a lot about the birth experience I want lately.

I realize that I have difficulty doing things differently from my family, particularly my sisters. I am a little enmeshed, I can say this about my self since I am a mental health therapist- we need to know our issues! Also, while hiring a doula has GREAT benefits and is a tax write-off (the one I would like to hire is going to be about $500.00) I can't seem to decide anymore if it's what I really want. There is this practical side of me that is kicking in and wondering if I should be spending $500.oo when we have some other expenses like our new baby... and of course the unexpected expense of the roof and basement (oh, and I think my hard drive might going). I realize that my comfort should not have a "price"- but doesn't everything?

Many of my previous thoughts have remained- I am very much afraid of going through childbirth. What is it exactly that I am afraid of is not quite clear. Maybe it's going through it without my mom physically present, perhaps it's fear of the pain (well, I know it's that), or the unknown. What has changed in my thought process that would have me wanting an epidural (due to a painful miscarriage I had) to wanting natural childbirth? Can the comfort that I am looking for or wanting really come from a doula? Is it the womanly presence of someone who has given birth what I need to feel safe? Someone who is female to tell me I can make it through? Is having a doula truly what I want or am I getting what I want crossed with what my sister waned and all my fears? Once I identify all my fears are they something I can face with the help of a therapist?

I asked my sister what the difference would have been without having a doula. She cited that there would have been a increase in all the worries that I have listed above- without any prompting from me. However, there is a big difference. My sister did not want any type of medical intervention- she was adamantly against it. While I on the other hand am not feeling that strongly against it. (See? There is that middle of the road, moderate personality again!) I am not completely opposed to an epidural but it's something I would like to postpone as long as possible if not avoid.

So I am realized I am going to have to dig deep this month and figure out what this is all about. I need to figure out what is going to give me the greatest comfort and to make sure that whatever I do it is because it's what I want. I just wish the practical side of me was a little quieter.

Well...

Shit.

We have a leak in our basement and in our roof. Talk about getting it from both ends.

Hope and Peace

I wanted to light these candles on this Christmas Eve as a prayer for everyone. No matter what God you pray to I hope that love is brought into your life this holiday season and that peace fills your new year.

Baking, Wrapping... And A Wrench

Baking and wrapping have pretty much summed up the last week for me. Super fun... not!

Well, some of it was fun as I got to try two new cookie recipes. Either way- the baking is done and the wrapping continues.

On a definite irritating note, after driving 1-1/2 hours one way to RE's office to get my b/w done and of course waiting another 20 minutes... the lab tech tells me the lab they used to send my LAD (my immune b/w) no longer does my test. Oh, and haven't found a new lab that does.

And there is my wrench.

Then And Now

***pregnancy mentioned***

Mr. Dr. Perinatologist man said on Friday that everything looks great! We have a normal healthy pregnancy- can you believe it?! I have been enjoying the excitement of hearing that news all weekend so in celebration I am going to share then and now pictures :)

Here is baby then (6w5d)... see the little speck in there? You can actually see a heartbeat in the picture! And Lil' P fits inside this whole picture but...
Here is Lil' P now (19w3d)... weighing in at 11oz. and can no longer fit completely inside the frame!

Due to all the medications I am on Mr. Dr. Peri said that we can come back at 32 weeks to check out the blood flow but there is no reason to worry at this point. The placenta is now placed about 1 in. above the opening of the cervix and no longer considered "low lying". During the appointment I turned to L and asked if he was sure that he didn't want to find out the sex of the baby. He looked at me and said, "Do you want it as your Christmas present?" And I said....

Wait for it...


"It's up to you."


Of course I was thinking yes!!! But I also know that this is really important to L and we had an agreement. So we didn't find out. It's still a surprise... wish we knew but still glad we don't. Just going to bask in the glow of this healthy baby for a while. Lil' P has been texting more lately although mostly when I am laying down.

One cool thing that we learned was that she (don't get excited when not using the name Lil' P I will use 'he' and 'she' interchangeably) has a full upper lip. Why is this worth noting you are wondering? Well I don't blame you asking, her lips are shaped like my husbands :) It's like Lil' P really does have our characteristics already. I know... 'duh!' but it's just still so amazing to me- we have actually managed to create another human being. Crazy cool...

I will now get off the cheese wagon for the day :)

Favorite Questions

Throughout my educational experience there were always questions that I found intriguing. Now some of the questions were and are lame but I think that it still tells a lot about who the person is.

1) "If you had to describe yourself as a drink what would it be a why?"

For me the answer was and remains Hot Chocolate. It comes in many different flavors like white chocolate, peppermint, mocha chocolate, and of course classic. You can add things to it too. For a little pick me up after a long day, add a shot of Amaretto (yum!) Feeling a little silly or happy? Sprinkle some marshmallows on top! Hot chocolate to me is something comforting that you can just sit with at the end of a long day- and just enjoy the silence. Or it can help perpetuate a silly mood. Perhaps you are feeling like a girl chat? I like to think that I can provide what the situation calls for- be it comfort, silliness, or relaxation.

2) "Can you remember a time when you were little and lost? Tell me about how you reacted and what you did?"

Personally, I can't remember a time when I was little and lost. However, putting myself in the mind fame of a 6 year old this is what I was able to up with. I would likely freak out and start walking through the store yelling for my mom. If that didn't work, I would go back to where I started because I would hope that my mom would look for me in the last place she saw me. Also, I remember my parents telling me that if you stay still in one place you are easier to find.

What I learned after answering the question was that it tells you how a person problem solves. It describes me perfectly. I go searching for immediate information and answers. If I try something and didn't get the result I wanted or was looking for, I go back to the start and hope that my answer comes to me.

In an effort to learn more about you, my readers and fellow bloggers, I ask that you please answer one or both of the above questions. If you have never posted here, or rarely post, please respond as I would love to hear about you for a change!

"Your Boobs Are Huge!!!"

"What? They are- they are right there! They are huge... are you planning on breastfeeding?"

This is said as I blankly stare, like a deer in headlights (no pun intended), at my supervisor. I look to the 2 co-workers and intern who are present and none of them can look at me in the face. Either from laughter or horror, I am not sure... wait... wait... It's definately laughter.

I can't believe she just said that to me- actually I can. Welcome to my office.

WTF?

Why do people feel it necessary to tell me about the awful heart wrenching stories of women who have lost their children in the second or third trimester? Or better yet- at delivery?

As if I don't know these horrific things can happen or have enough of my own anxiety to deal with.

WTF is wrong with these people???

I'm Coming Out and Introducing Lil' P

***pregnancy mentioned***

"I want the world to know, got to let it show"- Dianna Ross

Basically, since Thanksgiving I have been coming out to people about my pregnancy. I finally told my extended family and I openly admitted that I was pregnant to two co-workers, without anyone else outing me first. I have also accepted a handful of congratulations gracefully- without poo-pooing them.

I have been starting to show since Thanksgiving so it's been getting more difficult to hide it. Although, I believe that I am doing a pretty good job- at hiding it and being more comfortable with it. Although, truth be told, I don't really have to "hide" it anymore as it's getting cold here- that means thicker heavier clothes. I used to be very mindful of never putting my hand on my belly or rubbing it. Now, I allow myself to not only do this at home, but when I am out in public- but only if there isn't anyone I know around. I promise, I am working on it!

Several weeks ago, Leah from My Dusty Ovaries, pointed out that I was 14 weeks pregnant. I was impressed that she knew how far along I was- it was the fact that she knew at all. I have made a point to never mention how far along I am for two reasons. 1) I was and still am feeling a little superstitious. 2) When going through all of my pregnancies and other people would mention that they were pregnant, I could figure out how far ahead or behind me they were. Therefore, every time I miscarried and I read that persons blog or information, I knew how far long I should be. It made it difficult for me keep up with them and well... it was just painful. So I tried to not bestow that information to others who may be reading.

With all that being said, I have decided to come to you, my fellow bloggers and readers. Not because I want to be vengeful, but because I feel like it's time to start celebrating this pregnancy a little more. When I tell people, I have found that my excitement grows a little bit, as well as my anxiety, but I am choosing to focus more on the excitement part. So here it goes... I am 18-1/2 weeks pregnant. There, I said it. And for the first time here, I am willing to gracefully accept congratulations, if they are offered.

Also, I have decided to name the baby Perseverance, or Lil' P. I do believe that this baby is here because of the perseverance of L and I. We lost faith many times, almost gave up several times, and always questioned what we were doing every time we started a new cycle. We thought surely our family thinks we are crazy- but somehow my instinct always said I was meant to be a mom. I had a very vivid dream once where I was pregnant and could feel the baby move- so I tried to remember that during all my questioning and doubting. So we continued down this insane road by choice- and here we are.

So today I am coming out and introducing Lil' P to you. I also felt Lil' P move the other day- so that was very strange and very cool. Although, he has sent no emails or texts to me lately I am told that is not unusual. I hope that he texts again soon :)

Blog You Very Much

JJ, at Reproductive Jeans, brought up yet another good point. Saying thanks to the person who inspired you to start blogging.

When I started blogging, it was shortly after my 5th loss. I started looking through the blogsphere and found that there were a lot of women, and some men, who were writing and talking about their experiences in the world of infertility. The humor mixed with sincerity is what caught my attention. They made me laugh when I needed it the most.

After reading for a couple of days I decided that it was something that I would like to try. It seemed like such a great outlet. It brought me back to the days when I was young and would use poems and story telling to help me cope with experiences. I also loved that you could be creative with the colors of the template, font styles, and add pictures. It seemed like such a creative process. I had been missing that from my life for so long. It didn't seem to matter if anyone read or not- it was and is about a space where I can just be me.

The two that inspired me (drum roll please)- Leah at My Dusty Ovaries and Mel at the Stirrup Queens. The humor and the honesty they use in conjunction with their own writing style well... I just loved it!

Now you may not be thankful that they inspired me start a blog but I am. I am finally in place where I can be just me all the time woo hoo! Lucky you- I know!

**And thanks to JJ because this is the first time that I have attached a picture where it worked!!**