***Pregnancy Mentioned***
So begins the countdown to D-Day, or, the so-called due date. It's hard to believe that I am 32 weeks- about 8 weeks left. I still feel like I am living some else's life, that this isn't really "my" baby. I wonder when that feeling goes away. Is when I have my first shower? When labor starts? The first time I try to nurse? Or when the three of us leave the hospital? When does this start to feel less surreal?
One question that I get asked all the time is, "When is the baby due?" I always say early May- due date be damned. Knowing the chemical make up of this child is mine and my husbands, I am quite sure that this child has plans of their own! I also always get asked, "Have you thought about...? Are you going to... ? What about... ?" It really taps into my anxiety because I don't know despite my being a planner by nature. Every child is different and will respond to certain things differently. Sometimes I just want to shout, "This is hard enough, back off!" I have ideas but I don't know if they are going to work... What if Lil' P hates everything thing I try? Sigh... I wish people would say, "All children are different and you'll figure it out- everyone makes it up as they go along." How I wish my mom were physically here...
There are still so many things left to do- little projects I am trying to complete while trying to take as much work as I possibly can. (Thank goodness work has picked up slightly but I won't reap any benefits until mid- April. We will have to hang tight until then.) L just laughs at me and tells me I am nesting. Maybe I am but I can't believe how many little things I have put off because I felt like I had all this time to do them.
Hmmm... perhaps I am feeling a little hormonal today??? (I think I have teared up 3 times while writing this post- geez, get a grip!) As exciting as this is I find myself asking the age old questions that I think all first time mom's ask... am I going to be a good mother, am I going to secretly hate it, and how many times am I going to screw up?
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4 comments:
You will be a great mother. Like you said, I think you make it up as you go along. I wish that you would have your mother physically there to guide you, but she is always in your heart and if you listen to that you will know what to do. Hugs to you!
It makes me feel better that at 32 weeks you are having some of the same thoughts and feelings I am having at 17 weeks. "Is this really happening?" I keep wondering at what point it will sink in. So far seeing our little one on the ultrasound screen hasn't even quite driven the point home. I wonder if it will happen when I am bigger and more obviously pg. I wonder if women who never had to struggle to get where we are had these feelings or if it was just par for the course. I also agree with you about the questions people fire at you. I'm sure I will encounter more of that as the weeks go by, but I already have enough questions swirling in my head about all the things I feel I might not have a handle on. Whew! I guess the key is to be patient with ourselves and take it all as it comes. In the end I'm sure all will be just fine. Congrats on 32 weeks!
There may be things that you do incorrectly and there may be days when you hate it, but I think you will be a wonderful mother--never doubt that. I can't wait to meet Lil'P. HUGS!
"am I going to be a good mother, am I going to secretly hate it, and how many times am I going to screw up?" - exactly what has been going through my mind recently!
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