Niobe, over at Dead Baby Jokes, talked about her happiness challenge. When she was pregnant with twins she would watch TV to escape the physical pains of pregnancy. However, she unfairly and sadly, lost both of her babies. While wadding through her grief she found she could no longer enjoy watching TV. The memories it brought back were just too painful. Her happiness challenge was to watch TV again... a major accomplishment for her. Congrats Niobe!
In the professional conference I was at last week we talked about how "life washes over people." In my mind it's a great comparison. Life does wash over us like the ocean. It claims things and people that we love. Things we don't want to let go of. It can act as a major catalyst for changes we don't want- and sometimes what we do. It pushes us around and reminds us that we are not in control- no matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise.
My life has been washing over me since the day I found out my mom was sick. The good Lord knows how hard I fought, how I struggled to maintain what control I had (which was none), and how I feared my mom would leave me before I could tell her and show her how much I loved her. For the longest time I couldn't quilt, cross stitch, or play the piano. The first two were hobbies my mom had taught me and she loved to hear my siblings and I play the piano.
Many of us are taught to stand strong against opposition, push back. Stay firm in our convictions. The other morning, while driving to the u/s, I was thinking about all of this. What would happen if instead of standing strong against the tides of life, I floated with it? What if I was using all my energy fighting against or for something that wasn't to be mine in the first place? As life washes over us, if we float with the waves, maybe it will take us to where we were always meant to be. Furthermore, what if by doing this we were able to get back some of what life took from us?
It wasn't until a year ago that I could do any of those three things I talked about earlier without crying uncontrollably or feeling the pain of her death. I was slowly able to bring them back to the surface and find joy in them again. As your life has washed over you, what was lost that you would like to bring back?
Thursday, October 04, 2007
Monday, October 01, 2007
Hope Floats
(pregnancy mentioned)
That's right, I get to talk about my pregnancy, not a miscarriage.
I feel like a 7 year-old who just back from the zoo for the first time. Our u/s went great today... I was so happy I cried. Last night I was convinced that my pregnancy was over and went to bed crying. Woke up and 2:40 am and cried for another 2 hours. Even on the way to the u/s I was thinking about adoption. But by the grace of God I am sitting here writing about this instead. I never thought I would.
I know, some of you may be thinking, "Enough already, what happened?" so here it is... (if you aren't wondering, please humor me)
I measured 8w6d, the baby had a hb of 162, and is measuring 1 inch. This is a HUGE step for us as we have never made it past 7 weeks or moved onto a 3rd u/s. We got to see the baby move, the arm and leg buds, umbilical cord... the baby even did a little flip. He or she looked so big on the screen. It was just amazing.
The RE agreed to let me stay with her for another 3 weeks before moving into the world of "normals." I know that something can go wrong still, I am not a newbie. If something is to go wrong, I want to hear it from my RE not a u/s tech who has no idea what my history is.
I go back in 3 weeks for more labs, to check my immune system, and I will get another u/s then. I will be getting another IVIg treatment this week. I am still not accepting the "c-word" but I am still taking luck, prayers, and positive energy. We still have a long way to go.
Right now, here in this moment, I want to feel joy, happiness, and this quiet comforting solitude. For the first time, in a long time, all is right in my world.
"You just got to give hope a chance to float up." -Sandra Bullock as Birdee in Hope Floats
That's right, I get to talk about my pregnancy, not a miscarriage.
I feel like a 7 year-old who just back from the zoo for the first time. Our u/s went great today... I was so happy I cried. Last night I was convinced that my pregnancy was over and went to bed crying. Woke up and 2:40 am and cried for another 2 hours. Even on the way to the u/s I was thinking about adoption. But by the grace of God I am sitting here writing about this instead. I never thought I would.
I know, some of you may be thinking, "Enough already, what happened?" so here it is... (if you aren't wondering, please humor me)
I measured 8w6d, the baby had a hb of 162, and is measuring 1 inch. This is a HUGE step for us as we have never made it past 7 weeks or moved onto a 3rd u/s. We got to see the baby move, the arm and leg buds, umbilical cord... the baby even did a little flip. He or she looked so big on the screen. It was just amazing.
The RE agreed to let me stay with her for another 3 weeks before moving into the world of "normals." I know that something can go wrong still, I am not a newbie. If something is to go wrong, I want to hear it from my RE not a u/s tech who has no idea what my history is.
I go back in 3 weeks for more labs, to check my immune system, and I will get another u/s then. I will be getting another IVIg treatment this week. I am still not accepting the "c-word" but I am still taking luck, prayers, and positive energy. We still have a long way to go.
Right now, here in this moment, I want to feel joy, happiness, and this quiet comforting solitude. For the first time, in a long time, all is right in my world.
"You just got to give hope a chance to float up." -Sandra Bullock as Birdee in Hope Floats
Sunday, September 23, 2007
I'm Off For A Visit
I feel like I haven't been around much lately. Which, I guess, is true. I have been away since Thursday because I was at a professional conference. It was interesting and right before that I was busy trying to wrap up some ends at work because I am leaving tomorrow for a trip. I am going to see my mom's side of the family. I love them and haven't seen them in a year so it will be nice.
I don't know how I think everything is going with this pregnancy. Sometimes I think the queasiness is getting better, sometimes I think it's the same as it has been. I am working hard at not judging things as it never does any good. This pregnancy will be what it is and there is nothing I can do about that. I wouldn't change anything that I have done or anything I will do over the next week. I will have to be satisfied with my actions no matter the outcome. This week will be a good distraction from this up coming ultrasound.
I am still scared but there is nothing to do but wait.
I don't know how I think everything is going with this pregnancy. Sometimes I think the queasiness is getting better, sometimes I think it's the same as it has been. I am working hard at not judging things as it never does any good. This pregnancy will be what it is and there is nothing I can do about that. I wouldn't change anything that I have done or anything I will do over the next week. I will have to be satisfied with my actions no matter the outcome. This week will be a good distraction from this up coming ultrasound.
I am still scared but there is nothing to do but wait.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Solid First Step
(pregnancy mentioned)
Today was a solid first step in the right direction. We had a HB of 144. The baby's C to R measured 6w3d and the sac measured 6w6d. Technically, I am 6w6d today. Not thrilled about the C to R but I also know that it can be completely normal... it would just be nice if they were measuring closer but it is what it is. That being said feel free to offer any good experiences you have had with this, even if it's just to ease my mind :)
The RE did see what initally looked like a uterine clot but then saw 'motion'. So she believes it to just be uterine artery flow since it's right next to the sac. According to her things look good.
The next u/s is Oct. 1st, if the pregnancy is progressing then we will have another IVIg treatment that Thursday.
It's a good first step but we have been here before and have a looooong way to go. If you are willing, I am still accepting luck but no c-word yet please. Here's hoping I have a pukey 2 weeks!
Today was a solid first step in the right direction. We had a HB of 144. The baby's C to R measured 6w3d and the sac measured 6w6d. Technically, I am 6w6d today. Not thrilled about the C to R but I also know that it can be completely normal... it would just be nice if they were measuring closer but it is what it is. That being said feel free to offer any good experiences you have had with this, even if it's just to ease my mind :)
The RE did see what initally looked like a uterine clot but then saw 'motion'. So she believes it to just be uterine artery flow since it's right next to the sac. According to her things look good.
The next u/s is Oct. 1st, if the pregnancy is progressing then we will have another IVIg treatment that Thursday.
It's a good first step but we have been here before and have a looooong way to go. If you are willing, I am still accepting luck but no c-word yet please. Here's hoping I have a pukey 2 weeks!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Things I Have Been Pondering
Road Blocks and Rollercoasters have brought back to surface many things I have been pondering lately...
First, what has happened in my life when I was too wrapped up in my fertility woes? Who did I not laugh with? Celebrate with? Cry with? Listen too? Who was I not there for and how do I begin to apologize for being so wrapped up in myself that I forgot to be a friend?
Second, if I have truly accepted that I cannot control my pregnancy outcomes- then why do I continue with treatments? Why do I take nightly shots? Why do I take all those pills in the morning? Am I in a false state of acceptance or in a state of acceptance of knowing I can only control what I can control?
Finally, why am I so willing to believe that if I talk about something good happening that I will actually cause it to go bad? If I say a specific word that I have jinxed myself? However, on the reverse side, there is nothing I can do or say to help something good happen. Why am I willing to give the sad and unhappy things so much meaning and bearing in my life?
First, what has happened in my life when I was too wrapped up in my fertility woes? Who did I not laugh with? Celebrate with? Cry with? Listen too? Who was I not there for and how do I begin to apologize for being so wrapped up in myself that I forgot to be a friend?
Second, if I have truly accepted that I cannot control my pregnancy outcomes- then why do I continue with treatments? Why do I take nightly shots? Why do I take all those pills in the morning? Am I in a false state of acceptance or in a state of acceptance of knowing I can only control what I can control?
Finally, why am I so willing to believe that if I talk about something good happening that I will actually cause it to go bad? If I say a specific word that I have jinxed myself? However, on the reverse side, there is nothing I can do or say to help something good happen. Why am I willing to give the sad and unhappy things so much meaning and bearing in my life?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
I Am A Judger
‘Should’ and ‘Shouldn’t’ are expectations and judgments.
You should….
That should…
It shouldn’t…
Why shouldn’t…
They place a value and expectation on something. I think that this goes along with what other bloggers have been saying about feelings during the 2ww or pregnancy.
I got worried last night when my queasiness went away. I thought ‘I should feel queasy… it’s a sign the pregnancy is over.’ Then another thought, ‘I shouldn’t think that way.’
In reality, I have been trained to think that way. It’s the way it’s always ended. A sudden lack of symptoms, having my energy back, or not having symptoms at all. All based on how I should or shouldn’t feel. An expectation on a pregnancy. I do have to say- I feel happiest when I feel the worst.
Last Wednesday I went to my Ob to get some antibiotics because their office likes to treat you when your sick- I do love my Ob by the way. She asked me how I was feeling, if I was feeling ‘pregnant.’ I told her in that moment I was but that my sinus infection over the weekend seemed to be masking my symptoms I might have been having. In my paranoia I asked, ‘Can I get another beta check? We are about to drop a lot of money on IVIg and I don’t want to spend the money on a pregnancy that isn’t progressing.’ AKA a beta of 423? How do I know this isn’t a chemical pregnancy? To which she responded…
‘You shouldn’t feel that way, I have a good feeling about this.’
Another judgment. Shouldn’t. What in my history says I ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way? She is not the only person to have said something of this manner to me. I have had many MANY people say this to me. I know that they are well meaning and encouraging me to have hope. They just want to make me feel better… but those responses are about them not about me.
You know what the nurse and the lab tech said to me when I went to get my fourth lab done and I said it was because of my paranoia?
‘Well, I can’t blame you’ and ‘You’ve been through a lot [insert name], I can understand why.’ These are the most comforting comments I get. They don’t place judgments on me or the pregnancy. They just accept me and my feelings.
This is hard. Really hard. And let’s be honest, of course I have hope. Otherwise, I wouldn’t keep doing this and taking all the meds that I take and try experiential treatments. I will even say it out loud, ‘I am pregnant. I want this pregnancy and I want to stay this way for at least another 8-1/2 months.’ (Felt like I was in an AA for a moment there! Now everyone- ‘Hi Grad3’)
I would also like to apologize to my baby…
*It’s not your fault my history is what it is. It’s not that I don’t want you. I do… I really do. That is why I have been working so hard to keep you. It’s just that I don’t know any different right now. This is just very hard for me. Hard for me to expect anything different than what I have been given in the past. I hope you know that you are loved and very much wanted. I am sorry that I cannot be better at this but I will try harder to not place an expectation on you.*
With all that being said, my beta last Wednesday came out very nice, it was a little over 4,000. So it was still tripling. My IVIg was done that Thursday. I was a little anxious but it wasn’t bad at all. I am starting to get scared because of my lack of symptoms but they have come back a little today. Mostly, I am getting scared because my u/s is on Monday. And well, I am just scared. I know that I have every reason to hope and I know that things look promising. I really will try not to place a judgment or expectation on this baby or pregnancy. Or me really. It’s just a scary place to be. And it is what it is.
You should….
That should…
It shouldn’t…
Why shouldn’t…
They place a value and expectation on something. I think that this goes along with what other bloggers have been saying about feelings during the 2ww or pregnancy.
I got worried last night when my queasiness went away. I thought ‘I should feel queasy… it’s a sign the pregnancy is over.’ Then another thought, ‘I shouldn’t think that way.’
In reality, I have been trained to think that way. It’s the way it’s always ended. A sudden lack of symptoms, having my energy back, or not having symptoms at all. All based on how I should or shouldn’t feel. An expectation on a pregnancy. I do have to say- I feel happiest when I feel the worst.
Last Wednesday I went to my Ob to get some antibiotics because their office likes to treat you when your sick- I do love my Ob by the way. She asked me how I was feeling, if I was feeling ‘pregnant.’ I told her in that moment I was but that my sinus infection over the weekend seemed to be masking my symptoms I might have been having. In my paranoia I asked, ‘Can I get another beta check? We are about to drop a lot of money on IVIg and I don’t want to spend the money on a pregnancy that isn’t progressing.’ AKA a beta of 423? How do I know this isn’t a chemical pregnancy? To which she responded…
‘You shouldn’t feel that way, I have a good feeling about this.’
Another judgment. Shouldn’t. What in my history says I ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way? She is not the only person to have said something of this manner to me. I have had many MANY people say this to me. I know that they are well meaning and encouraging me to have hope. They just want to make me feel better… but those responses are about them not about me.
You know what the nurse and the lab tech said to me when I went to get my fourth lab done and I said it was because of my paranoia?
‘Well, I can’t blame you’ and ‘You’ve been through a lot [insert name], I can understand why.’ These are the most comforting comments I get. They don’t place judgments on me or the pregnancy. They just accept me and my feelings.
This is hard. Really hard. And let’s be honest, of course I have hope. Otherwise, I wouldn’t keep doing this and taking all the meds that I take and try experiential treatments. I will even say it out loud, ‘I am pregnant. I want this pregnancy and I want to stay this way for at least another 8-1/2 months.’ (Felt like I was in an AA for a moment there! Now everyone- ‘Hi Grad3’)
I would also like to apologize to my baby…
*It’s not your fault my history is what it is. It’s not that I don’t want you. I do… I really do. That is why I have been working so hard to keep you. It’s just that I don’t know any different right now. This is just very hard for me. Hard for me to expect anything different than what I have been given in the past. I hope you know that you are loved and very much wanted. I am sorry that I cannot be better at this but I will try harder to not place an expectation on you.*
With all that being said, my beta last Wednesday came out very nice, it was a little over 4,000. So it was still tripling. My IVIg was done that Thursday. I was a little anxious but it wasn’t bad at all. I am starting to get scared because of my lack of symptoms but they have come back a little today. Mostly, I am getting scared because my u/s is on Monday. And well, I am just scared. I know that I have every reason to hope and I know that things look promising. I really will try not to place a judgment or expectation on this baby or pregnancy. Or me really. It’s just a scary place to be. And it is what it is.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
'IF'
Ever notice how the acronyms for infertility are 'IF'?
IF we try this …
IF we do this …
What IF …
IF this happens …
IF the results are …
IF this fails …
IF this does work ...
Coincidence? I think not.
IF we try this …
IF we do this …
What IF …
IF this happens …
IF the results are …
IF this fails …
IF this does work ...
Coincidence? I think not.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
Happy News, 3 Labs, and A Thank You
First my happy news- my friend, and RPL'er- we'll call her Sweets, had her u/s today! They saw a heartbeat for the very first time!!! I am so, so, so excited for them. All the good thoughts and wishes must have helped 'cause this is the farthest they have ever been. A long way to go still but much has been accomplished... (happy sigh). I hope this is it for them.
My 3 48- hour labs came back and were the following:
Lab#1- Progesterone (33.6), HCG (46)
Lab#2- HCG (140)
Lab#3- HCG- (423)
All my pregnancies have doubled in HCG, but my progesterone was always low. Ironically, the one where the progesterone was high, my beta's didn't double. So things look promising but I still have a loooong way to go. My IVIg treatment should be this Thursday. L and I have decided no more b/w since it won't really tell us anything and might only give us more worry. What I am most happy about is that my progesterone was high on it's own, no suppository help in order for me to get that number. It brings a strange sense of relief.
Saving the most important for last. Thank you. I can't tell you how it warmed my heart that so many people supported me and posted... you just let me talk. You listened, you didn't push or nag. It was very much what I needed. And I don't think I realized how much I needed it until I got it. So thank you all so much and thank you for sending me luck. I am still going to need it, but for now, we are just a little closer to the "c- word."
My 3 48- hour labs came back and were the following:
Lab#1- Progesterone (33.6), HCG (46)
Lab#2- HCG (140)
Lab#3- HCG- (423)
All my pregnancies have doubled in HCG, but my progesterone was always low. Ironically, the one where the progesterone was high, my beta's didn't double. So things look promising but I still have a loooong way to go. My IVIg treatment should be this Thursday. L and I have decided no more b/w since it won't really tell us anything and might only give us more worry. What I am most happy about is that my progesterone was high on it's own, no suppository help in order for me to get that number. It brings a strange sense of relief.
Saving the most important for last. Thank you. I can't tell you how it warmed my heart that so many people supported me and posted... you just let me talk. You listened, you didn't push or nag. It was very much what I needed. And I don't think I realized how much I needed it until I got it. So thank you all so much and thank you for sending me luck. I am still going to need it, but for now, we are just a little closer to the "c- word."
Thursday, August 30, 2007
I Am Reduced To This
I actually mocked a TV character last night... it's a sad moment in my life.
Scene...
"Yeah, I am just a little queasy... it's just the flu."
[Insert angry tone] "Of all the stupid, sorry, son- of-a-... I can't believe how unrealistic this is!"
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Happiness Can Mean Subtracting
A magazine article made me think about our pursuit of Happiness a little differently. The major result of being happy is a higher quality of life. Often times when we are in search of making something a higher quality we think, “What can I add to this (fill in blank) to make it better?”
It seems like we are all very motivated people. We have goals that we want to reach and some that we have already obtained. Maybe it was house, a brand new car, creating a garden, learning to play an instrument, or taking that photography class. We add things to our lives to make it more enjoyable. What if the answer is not in what we add, but what we subtract? What if we said, “I am going to stop working so late every night” or “I am going to leave the rest of the ‘To Do’ until tomorrow”? What if we subtracted something from our lives that zaps the energy out of us? Maybe it's a relationship we have with someone, the late nights at work, or rushing home to get the laundry done and fixing dinner 5 times a week? We work hard already and I bet our schedules are already crammed full of stuff- and let’s not discount the times when we are in fertility treatments because that's a whole other job!
What if instead of looking at things to add to our lives we looked at things we can subtract?
It seems like we are all very motivated people. We have goals that we want to reach and some that we have already obtained. Maybe it was house, a brand new car, creating a garden, learning to play an instrument, or taking that photography class. We add things to our lives to make it more enjoyable. What if the answer is not in what we add, but what we subtract? What if we said, “I am going to stop working so late every night” or “I am going to leave the rest of the ‘To Do’ until tomorrow”? What if we subtracted something from our lives that zaps the energy out of us? Maybe it's a relationship we have with someone, the late nights at work, or rushing home to get the laundry done and fixing dinner 5 times a week? We work hard already and I bet our schedules are already crammed full of stuff- and let’s not discount the times when we are in fertility treatments because that's a whole other job!
What if instead of looking at things to add to our lives we looked at things we can subtract?
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Okay... Well... Huh.... Alrighty... Ahhhh... Mmhmm...
I think that I should win an award. Preferably, something that includes a large and hefty stash of money, to help pay for my treatments. Why you ask? Why should this be given to me specifically? What makes me more special than anyone out there in the the IF world? Well, I should tell you that this award would also be titled, "The Most Fertile Infertile Ever."
I think the title of this post captures my first thoughts after taking my pregnancy test. It most definitely did not say "Not Pregnant." My thoughts also included, "I will need to make some phone calls on Monday." These phone calls do not include the happy ones with excitement and smiles to friends and family. That ship has looooong since sailed. These calls will be to my Ob's office and my RE's. Aside from L, these are the next people in my life who learn when I am pregnant. Little sad...
All of my excitement went out with the first 5 pregnancies. That's right, I had some type of excitement with all of my pregnancies. I too was surprised that I was able to hold on to it for that long. The capacity of the human spirit amazes me. It really, really does.
The human spirit is strong in this 'sphere. I have seen women beat the odds, the statistics, and the unknown. All of you are an inspiration with insurmountable grace. I know that many people will not be able to say anything at all to me because it's a reminder of what they have lost or want. The good Lord knows there are enough reminders in our everyday lives and I am sorry that I've added another. I really am. I think of how I have beaten myself up in the past for not being able to overcome my own feelings of sadness in light of someone else's happiness- quite frankly IF has beat me up enough and I have realized I will not help IF with that anymore. I hope you are able to join me in this cause.
With all that being said I, sincerely and kindly, ask you to please, please, please... Do Not wish me congratulations. As you know I have been here before. Many times. 5 to be exact but hey I'm not counting or anything.
Mostly, so far, I feel sad about feeling resigned to my situation and a little scared of what's to come. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, I don't feel like sharing more after this, I don't want to talk with friends and family about it. I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide from it for a little longer. If I can't see it then it's not happening right? I just needed to get all this jumble out of my head. So I appreciate you, if you are reading, at letting me have a sounding board- because that is what I need the most right now. Thank you.
I have a small glimmer of hope, it's my catch-22 after all, but... I know that there is not much more I can do at this point. I must wait and see what happens. Call the dr's offices in the morning to start the labs and see what my RE says about starting IVIg. I will start the progesterone and Lovenox shots tonight. I feel resigned, and maybe even reluctant, to start this process all over again.
If you can- wish me luck ladies because my history says I am going to need it.
I think the title of this post captures my first thoughts after taking my pregnancy test. It most definitely did not say "Not Pregnant." My thoughts also included, "I will need to make some phone calls on Monday." These phone calls do not include the happy ones with excitement and smiles to friends and family. That ship has looooong since sailed. These calls will be to my Ob's office and my RE's. Aside from L, these are the next people in my life who learn when I am pregnant. Little sad...
All of my excitement went out with the first 5 pregnancies. That's right, I had some type of excitement with all of my pregnancies. I too was surprised that I was able to hold on to it for that long. The capacity of the human spirit amazes me. It really, really does.
The human spirit is strong in this 'sphere. I have seen women beat the odds, the statistics, and the unknown. All of you are an inspiration with insurmountable grace. I know that many people will not be able to say anything at all to me because it's a reminder of what they have lost or want. The good Lord knows there are enough reminders in our everyday lives and I am sorry that I've added another. I really am. I think of how I have beaten myself up in the past for not being able to overcome my own feelings of sadness in light of someone else's happiness- quite frankly IF has beat me up enough and I have realized I will not help IF with that anymore. I hope you are able to join me in this cause.
With all that being said I, sincerely and kindly, ask you to please, please, please... Do Not wish me congratulations. As you know I have been here before. Many times. 5 to be exact but hey I'm not counting or anything.
Mostly, so far, I feel sad about feeling resigned to my situation and a little scared of what's to come. I don't want to talk about it with anyone, I don't feel like sharing more after this, I don't want to talk with friends and family about it. I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide from it for a little longer. If I can't see it then it's not happening right? I just needed to get all this jumble out of my head. So I appreciate you, if you are reading, at letting me have a sounding board- because that is what I need the most right now. Thank you.
I have a small glimmer of hope, it's my catch-22 after all, but... I know that there is not much more I can do at this point. I must wait and see what happens. Call the dr's offices in the morning to start the labs and see what my RE says about starting IVIg. I will start the progesterone and Lovenox shots tonight. I feel resigned, and maybe even reluctant, to start this process all over again.
If you can- wish me luck ladies because my history says I am going to need it.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
I Can't Hear You And I Don't Know Why
While in Mexico my husband and I talked only a little about our fertility issues and what we might want to do.
I prompted a conversation and L started talking about surrogacy again and I could just feel my hands going over my ears. I didn’t want to hear it. Why?
A few other bloggers, unknowingly, brought this back to my attention. Why does this make me want to put my hands over my ears and sing the ‘Smurf’ theme song? Why was Smurfette the only female by the way? Apparently, her fertility was fantastic. What a whore. Sorry, I digress-
All L wanted me to tell him is that it wasn’t off the table. The first time he brought it up I immediately thought, “I would rather adopt.” Period. No discussion. I told him so as well. Turns out that upset him more than he let on at the time. So I told him the truth in Mexico, it wasn’t off the table. Technically, it's not. It's an option I have but I don't have to like it. That being said, I didn’t explain my raw red thoughts about it or my feelings of disdain for it either.
How can I explain it when I don’t even understand my aversion to it? What if, after all this work, the only options left for us are surrogacy, adoption, or living childfree? In theory, I don’t suppose surrogacy is all the different than adopting. You have to trust what the birth mother says. You have to believe that she took care of herself during or throughout her pregnancy. If she states she has not taken any alcohol, illicit drugs, or use something harmful you have to believe her. You also have to trust that the medical history she has given is accurate.
I asked the age old question after my last RE said DE, “What is more important, being mom or carrying the baby?” My response has always stayed the same… I want to carry a baby. With my family health history of cancer and all my fertility issues I knew it would be hard to give up that genetic link but I could do it. In the end, my baby would have a healthier life, I could give him or her a possible genetic edge and, to me, that was an amazing gift. To not face what I am likely too, cancer, or what my other family members have. If I could carry my baby to full term and give them a healthier life- I could do DE. I would feel the baby move. Watch my belly grow. Give birth. Breast feed. All these things, that I so deeply desire, that my words just cannot begin to express. However, through my life experience and work I know that these are not the only things that make a woman a mother. A mother is so much more than than this, so much more... Still, these reasons speak so loud to me. Why?
In surrogacy, I know that I would lose a lot of that, if not all of that. I am sure the medical field has figured out a way to make a woman lactate so I assume there would at least be that for me. However, upon initial thought- surrogacy doesn’t appeal to me. Let’s say though I am able to work past those issues. Then I am left with my most important question, “Who would I trust enough to carry my baby? Who would be the person to carry and keep safe my most precious treasure? Who would protect them as I would and vow to keep them safe at all costs?” Really, who would that be? Who can I put that ultimate trust in? I have no answer.
I asked L to table the discussion and revisit if we get to that point. All I can think now is please let this IVIg treatment work.
I prompted a conversation and L started talking about surrogacy again and I could just feel my hands going over my ears. I didn’t want to hear it. Why?
A few other bloggers, unknowingly, brought this back to my attention. Why does this make me want to put my hands over my ears and sing the ‘Smurf’ theme song? Why was Smurfette the only female by the way? Apparently, her fertility was fantastic. What a whore. Sorry, I digress-
All L wanted me to tell him is that it wasn’t off the table. The first time he brought it up I immediately thought, “I would rather adopt.” Period. No discussion. I told him so as well. Turns out that upset him more than he let on at the time. So I told him the truth in Mexico, it wasn’t off the table. Technically, it's not. It's an option I have but I don't have to like it. That being said, I didn’t explain my raw red thoughts about it or my feelings of disdain for it either.
How can I explain it when I don’t even understand my aversion to it? What if, after all this work, the only options left for us are surrogacy, adoption, or living childfree? In theory, I don’t suppose surrogacy is all the different than adopting. You have to trust what the birth mother says. You have to believe that she took care of herself during or throughout her pregnancy. If she states she has not taken any alcohol, illicit drugs, or use something harmful you have to believe her. You also have to trust that the medical history she has given is accurate.
I asked the age old question after my last RE said DE, “What is more important, being mom or carrying the baby?” My response has always stayed the same… I want to carry a baby. With my family health history of cancer and all my fertility issues I knew it would be hard to give up that genetic link but I could do it. In the end, my baby would have a healthier life, I could give him or her a possible genetic edge and, to me, that was an amazing gift. To not face what I am likely too, cancer, or what my other family members have. If I could carry my baby to full term and give them a healthier life- I could do DE. I would feel the baby move. Watch my belly grow. Give birth. Breast feed. All these things, that I so deeply desire, that my words just cannot begin to express. However, through my life experience and work I know that these are not the only things that make a woman a mother. A mother is so much more than than this, so much more... Still, these reasons speak so loud to me. Why?
In surrogacy, I know that I would lose a lot of that, if not all of that. I am sure the medical field has figured out a way to make a woman lactate so I assume there would at least be that for me. However, upon initial thought- surrogacy doesn’t appeal to me. Let’s say though I am able to work past those issues. Then I am left with my most important question, “Who would I trust enough to carry my baby? Who would be the person to carry and keep safe my most precious treasure? Who would protect them as I would and vow to keep them safe at all costs?” Really, who would that be? Who can I put that ultimate trust in? I have no answer.
I asked L to table the discussion and revisit if we get to that point. All I can think now is please let this IVIg treatment work.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Warning: TMI and Stupid Things In The 2ww
Stupid Thing 1) I change my mind two times, thus change lanes twice, about what Starbucks bathroom to use because one has poor lighting and I cannot analyze the color of my pee (because I take a Super B complex) and my urine changes color when I am pregnant.
Stupid Thing 2) I try to avoid looking at pregnant people. So thank you pregnant Starbucks woman for making my Mocha Frappuccino (whore!)
Stupid Thing 3) Analyze any lower abdominal twinges I have. I actually thought last night, "Oh man, if only I had been in the right sitting position when I sneezed- then I could have seen if it would have made a pulling sensation- damn it!"
Stupid Thing 4) Hmmm... I think my boobs look bigger. No wait, that's the two pounds I have gained from bloating. Hey wait! I think my nipples might be darker! Oh yeah, I just got out of the shower. Oooo...! No, that Montgomery gland is from my last pregnancy. Shit.
Stupid Thing 5) I think I am starting to feel queasiness and lightheaded! When was the last time I ate and took the Metformin? Huh, 7 hours ago.
Stupid Thing 6) "I must remember that breast tenderness is my new ovulation/ progesterone symptom, not a sign of pregnancy." Repeat 3 more times.
I cannot be the only one who does these stupid things- right?
Stupid Thing 2) I try to avoid looking at pregnant people. So thank you pregnant Starbucks woman for making my Mocha Frappuccino (whore!)
Stupid Thing 3) Analyze any lower abdominal twinges I have. I actually thought last night, "Oh man, if only I had been in the right sitting position when I sneezed- then I could have seen if it would have made a pulling sensation- damn it!"
Stupid Thing 4) Hmmm... I think my boobs look bigger. No wait, that's the two pounds I have gained from bloating. Hey wait! I think my nipples might be darker! Oh yeah, I just got out of the shower. Oooo...! No, that Montgomery gland is from my last pregnancy. Shit.
Stupid Thing 5) I think I am starting to feel queasiness and lightheaded! When was the last time I ate and took the Metformin? Huh, 7 hours ago.
Stupid Thing 6) "I must remember that breast tenderness is my new ovulation/ progesterone symptom, not a sign of pregnancy." Repeat 3 more times.
I cannot be the only one who does these stupid things- right?
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Happiness
What is happiness? This question comes courtesy of Mel's blog over at the Stirrup Queens.
I believe it is way too late in my day to be pondering this but I will give it a try. Maybe I become more deep when I tired, like people become more honest when they are intoxicated...?
When I think of happiness I think of moments when I notice the how a trees leaves look just the right shade of green next to the blue sky. I think of my family and campfires. My nephew laughing so hard he snorts (it's really too funny). Just sitting inside on a rainy day, reading a good book with my Mocha. Maybe a friends thoughtful comment or help. A quiet evening with L. Remembering my mom's laughter or imagining her scratch my back when I am sad and just simply giving me a hug.
When I think of these moments collectively I try to imagine the feeling I have had. There are many to pick from. It's a sense of peace. Of calm. Feeling grounded. Having the faith and confidence that whatever is handed to me I will be okay at the end. It's being content with my life in the moment. The ability to accept things as they are and not wanting to change it.
I think that overall, I am an optimistic person however incredibly sarcastic and sassy I maybe in real life (my sense of humor came courtesy of my mom.) The things I have written about usually make me want to yack when I hear other people actually speak these words but here they are none the less.
This is my happiness.
I believe it is way too late in my day to be pondering this but I will give it a try. Maybe I become more deep when I tired, like people become more honest when they are intoxicated...?
When I think of happiness I think of moments when I notice the how a trees leaves look just the right shade of green next to the blue sky. I think of my family and campfires. My nephew laughing so hard he snorts (it's really too funny). Just sitting inside on a rainy day, reading a good book with my Mocha. Maybe a friends thoughtful comment or help. A quiet evening with L. Remembering my mom's laughter or imagining her scratch my back when I am sad and just simply giving me a hug.
When I think of these moments collectively I try to imagine the feeling I have had. There are many to pick from. It's a sense of peace. Of calm. Feeling grounded. Having the faith and confidence that whatever is handed to me I will be okay at the end. It's being content with my life in the moment. The ability to accept things as they are and not wanting to change it.
I think that overall, I am an optimistic person however incredibly sarcastic and sassy I maybe in real life (my sense of humor came courtesy of my mom.) The things I have written about usually make me want to yack when I hear other people actually speak these words but here they are none the less.
This is my happiness.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Identical Quads
I saw a news report a couple of days ago about a women who gave birth to identical quadruplets. The odds are close, or slightly over, 1 in 3 million.
What a lucky whore.
What a lucky whore.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Another Cross
I don't know why but this memory came back to me today...
************************************************************
When I was waiting for a my second set of labs to come back from the ob's office during my 4th pregnancy I was at an infertility training for mental health professionals. Ironic, I know.
When I got the news that my pregnancy was going to once again fail I was devastated. I just cried and cried. My first set of numbers looked very promising and my progesterone was through the roof, measuring 37. It was awful. I could barely re-group.
I was with a friend, who was about 7 months pregnant, and she was asking me what there was to do. I told the truth,
"There is nothing to do. I wait to miscarry."
"How long could that take?"
"Anywhere from today to another week. Depends on how fast my numbers drop."
"That has to be awful... you just have to wait for that? I would much rather not be able to get pregnant at all then to keep miscarrying."
"Me too."
******************************************************************************
Not that I am trying to belittle the experience of others. Those who struggle to become pregnant have their own crosses to bear. I only have my experience to draw from and the pain and loss of multiple miscarriages is devastating and excruciating. You feel so alone and isolated and there is likely no one in your life who can understand. The irrational thoughts and fears are abundant in this world. To come so close just to have it taken away. Again. To be told 'no' once again. This painful experience is beyond what words can express. I often feel trapped in race, that not only did I not sign up for, but one that I cannot win. No matter how hard I train I am always being told it wasn't quite enough.
Not that I would wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish I could bear someone else's cross. Just for a little while.
************************************************************
When I was waiting for a my second set of labs to come back from the ob's office during my 4th pregnancy I was at an infertility training for mental health professionals. Ironic, I know.
When I got the news that my pregnancy was going to once again fail I was devastated. I just cried and cried. My first set of numbers looked very promising and my progesterone was through the roof, measuring 37. It was awful. I could barely re-group.
I was with a friend, who was about 7 months pregnant, and she was asking me what there was to do. I told the truth,
"There is nothing to do. I wait to miscarry."
"How long could that take?"
"Anywhere from today to another week. Depends on how fast my numbers drop."
"That has to be awful... you just have to wait for that? I would much rather not be able to get pregnant at all then to keep miscarrying."
"Me too."
******************************************************************************
Not that I am trying to belittle the experience of others. Those who struggle to become pregnant have their own crosses to bear. I only have my experience to draw from and the pain and loss of multiple miscarriages is devastating and excruciating. You feel so alone and isolated and there is likely no one in your life who can understand. The irrational thoughts and fears are abundant in this world. To come so close just to have it taken away. Again. To be told 'no' once again. This painful experience is beyond what words can express. I often feel trapped in race, that not only did I not sign up for, but one that I cannot win. No matter how hard I train I am always being told it wasn't quite enough.
Not that I would wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish I could bear someone else's cross. Just for a little while.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
What Has Gone On Since Mexico
While I was away, our RE’s office submitted our request to have the IVIg covered. It was declined (no surprise there). By the time I spoke RE’s office again, this past Friday, they had already sent in their appeal. I spoke with Nurse Nice and she said, “We don’t give up that easily.” She said that they sent in the appeal with all the updated information and statistics. Nurse Nice did admit that some had agreed to pay after an appeal was made. However, because we have the state health plan ours was not likely to be overturned.
I asked what my levels were and she told me that it didn't really matter because they were abnormal. Either way this was the treatment that I needed. She did say that if costs were too high that when we came in for our consult with Dr. K that other options would be discussed. Again, if there really are other options, I am just glad to know she is willing to talk about them to me.
It was nice to feel like there was someone else who was fighting for me besides me. I love L but he doesn't do the research I do or understand what hormones mean and their purpose. He tries but I am not sure I would be as invested or understand as much if I were a male. He supports me but usually by saying, "Whatever you want" or "Whatever makes you comfortable."
I spoke briefly with the company who would be doing my transfusion. They were actually the first ones to tell me that my claim was denied. She answered some of my questions and told me that the treatment is done by a nurse inside the home, which made me feel better. It seemed like there were less complications related to logistics with that. Dr. K would make recommendations on the number of units based up on the person, usually between 25-40mg. The levels are re-tested every month to see if further treatment is needed. Again, I found this comforting because it seems my dr didn't want to do anything unnecessary. Each unit is $100.00 and then some additional fees. She did tell me that they give cash discounts if insurance will not cover it. It's something so I will take it.
I will schedule my saline u/s as soon as AF arrives and then we will talk about the treatment and possibly other options.
************************************************
On a much more hopeful note a friend of mine, a fellow RPL’er, found out that she is pregnant. She told me that her numbers look better than they ever had and while trying to not get too hopeful, they have reason to be. She has had four pregnancies and none have ever progressed past 6 weeks. Please send her prayers and positive energy!
I asked what my levels were and she told me that it didn't really matter because they were abnormal. Either way this was the treatment that I needed. She did say that if costs were too high that when we came in for our consult with Dr. K that other options would be discussed. Again, if there really are other options, I am just glad to know she is willing to talk about them to me.
It was nice to feel like there was someone else who was fighting for me besides me. I love L but he doesn't do the research I do or understand what hormones mean and their purpose. He tries but I am not sure I would be as invested or understand as much if I were a male. He supports me but usually by saying, "Whatever you want" or "Whatever makes you comfortable."
I spoke briefly with the company who would be doing my transfusion. They were actually the first ones to tell me that my claim was denied. She answered some of my questions and told me that the treatment is done by a nurse inside the home, which made me feel better. It seemed like there were less complications related to logistics with that. Dr. K would make recommendations on the number of units based up on the person, usually between 25-40mg. The levels are re-tested every month to see if further treatment is needed. Again, I found this comforting because it seems my dr didn't want to do anything unnecessary. Each unit is $100.00 and then some additional fees. She did tell me that they give cash discounts if insurance will not cover it. It's something so I will take it.
I will schedule my saline u/s as soon as AF arrives and then we will talk about the treatment and possibly other options.
************************************************
On a much more hopeful note a friend of mine, a fellow RPL’er, found out that she is pregnant. She told me that her numbers look better than they ever had and while trying to not get too hopeful, they have reason to be. She has had four pregnancies and none have ever progressed past 6 weeks. Please send her prayers and positive energy!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
I Have A Secret
Well, it won't be anymore but I feel that I have officially confirmed it today... I ovulated all by myself again while we were in Mexico. My new symptom of random breast tenderness was very prevalent today. That's 4 times in a row for me, 3 since my last m/c. Seriously amazing for this PCOS'er!
I went from a 29 day cycle month, to a 49 day cycle month, back to (about) 35 day cycle month.
My OV watch went out while in Mexico so I decided to check things out the old fashioned way. Upon another inspection the following day, I found that I was too late, I had already o'ed. I haven't told L because I don't want him to worry but did hint today that I should be seeing AF in a couple of weeks. I am not sure how I feel about all this so I am just going to take it in stride. I'm just happy I o'ed all by myself again.
I guess we'll see if I really do become pregnant every time egg and sperm are present.
I went from a 29 day cycle month, to a 49 day cycle month, back to (about) 35 day cycle month.
My OV watch went out while in Mexico so I decided to check things out the old fashioned way. Upon another inspection the following day, I found that I was too late, I had already o'ed. I haven't told L because I don't want him to worry but did hint today that I should be seeing AF in a couple of weeks. I am not sure how I feel about all this so I am just going to take it in stride. I'm just happy I o'ed all by myself again.
I guess we'll see if I really do become pregnant every time egg and sperm are present.
Friday, August 17, 2007
Hola!
Well, I am back and it appears we made it out right before Hurricane Dean. I know it's corny and cheesy, but I hope that everyone there will be alright. So frightening to think of all that those people could lose including thier lives.... (silent prayers to them).
It was wonderful, I actually recommend that you all blow your fertility money on a vacation, because all we have to do is "relax" right? "If you relax then you'll get pregnant- don't worry so much" (groan.... how 'bout a shut the hell up for you?)
Seriously, we had a great time and loved it. We never left the resort, except to go shopping one time in Playa. We laid on the beach, read books, went swimming, and ate. Then ate some more.
Since being back, for less than 24 hours, I already have info from the fertility war front and my RE's office has been working hard for me, L, and my future family. I promise that I will update on that later.... I have to catch up on work stuff and our bedroom looks like our suitcases exploded. So lots of laundry, woo hoo!
Thanks to those who let me know they read my blog... even if it's just a few, it's nice to know that I don't talk to myself ALL the time...
It was wonderful, I actually recommend that you all blow your fertility money on a vacation, because all we have to do is "relax" right? "If you relax then you'll get pregnant- don't worry so much" (groan.... how 'bout a shut the hell up for you?)
Seriously, we had a great time and loved it. We never left the resort, except to go shopping one time in Playa. We laid on the beach, read books, went swimming, and ate. Then ate some more.
Since being back, for less than 24 hours, I already have info from the fertility war front and my RE's office has been working hard for me, L, and my future family. I promise that I will update on that later.... I have to catch up on work stuff and our bedroom looks like our suitcases exploded. So lots of laundry, woo hoo!
Thanks to those who let me know they read my blog... even if it's just a few, it's nice to know that I don't talk to myself ALL the time...
Sunday, August 05, 2007
I'm Chile! (But Still Going To Mexico)
You're Chile!
You're really skinny, and kind of bumpy in frame, but you're not as
rough a person as you used to be. You like long, long, long walks on the beach and avoiding having your rights violated, just like anybody else does. You're even willing to stand up to those with more power and influence than you, trying to bring them to justice. Fight the man!
Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid
This came to me courtesy of Leah, thanks! I am still trying to get the personality test downloaded!
**************************************************************************
Yeah! Fight the man! (I am not sure who the man is though) Who is the man? Discuss.....
So I am a Chile but L and I leave for our vacation to Mexico today. We fly out at the ass-crack of dawn on Monday so we are spending the night at his parents house since they live about 30 minutes from the airport. It's gonna be sooooo nice... it's a resort outside of Play del Carmen. After our last loss we decided to take the rest of our fertility money and have some fun with it. (It's strange I know, to think that fertility treatments aren't fun... who doesn't love a 1in. needle? It's just us and the heroin heads ladies!)
So I am off... not sure if anyone reads this blog but I thought someone might care.
Adios!
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