Well...

I am fairly confident that I ovulated.

And there is a chance that I could be (get?) pregnant.

Now if only S.IRM would call me back so their office and my ob can talk. As I would like to try In.tralipids with this possible pregnancy.

I am becoming anxious about the lack of contact as I have already contacted S.IRM twice.

Now What?

I pulled out some old albums this weekend, picture albums that is. I was looking through them and thinking, "What do I do with these pictures?"

Some of them were from high school (not a lot of fond memories there). Including some of my first, true, real boyfriend. Others were from college years with drinking and smoking going on (I had a really good time my first semester of college!)

It brought back a flood of memories, and feelings, that were not all good. Yet, these experiences made me who I am. Keeping them doesn't feel any better than throwing them away.

What's been your experience?

Classic Parenting Moment

"Look mama! Look what I found!"

Apparently, this is the trendy way to add fiber to your diet.

It's All Good

So we had the consult with the new specialist. It went well and L and I are both very hopeful.

He certainly believes that my problem is immune and that I am a candidate for Intra.lipids- yay!

He suggested more immune testing and IVF but I disagree. What can further testing tell us that we don't already know? I feel like we know what works and IVF just is not an option right now (however ideal it would be). If I were 34 the option would be on the table but lets see what father time gives us before going there. Plus, it will take some serious cash.

I was only surprised by one thing he said--- he thinks I should use presnidon.e along with the the Intralipi.ds. Anyone know anything about presnido.ne? My knowledge is limited.

He also agreed to consult with our ob/gyn if he were "invited" in. She, my ob/gyn, has completely agreed. Yay again! So now I need to speak with his office to talk about initiating that process.

L and I have our plan in place and crossing our fingers! Wish us luck- as clearly we will need it :)

I've Won A Prize!!!

I feel as though I have won a popularity contest-- which is kinda cool for a reason that I will explain below. I am cheating a little as I am only nominating 4. It's just too hard because I think that all the blogs I read are fabulous...

My prize is this nifty icon to the left! Woo hoo!!

The rules for Honest Scrap are:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 (or my 4) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. These are my nominees:

- new year new ute

- Fertile Yet Infertile?

- Losses and Gains

- Which Way to Baby?

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

I'm not very interesting but I will try to dazzle you with my hum- drum life!

1. I was never considered "cool" or "popular" when I was young which is why I am excited about this nomination in particular. Thanks R&R!!

2. The people that I allow myself to argue with are the people who I trust the most--- because I know that they will still like me at the end of the day.

3. L, my sweet hubby, has no idea that I blog (or at least I don't think he does).

4. I love puns and have a soft spot for other people who do too.

5. My favorite job was working in a chocolate store where we were instructed to taste the scrumptious delights multiple times a day to "make sure it was fresh." I lost weight because I ate so much while working I had no room left over for "real" food. I ask you, does it get any better than that??

6. My parents were using all of their savings to pay for my moms treatments when she was sick. So I spoke to a Nav.y recruiter about placing her on my insurance if I joined. It didn't work out.

7. I often keep and prefer my "counselor face" in my regular/ private life. It's like bot.ox-- people are never really sure what I am thinking.

8. I love my husband dearly but on the rare occasion when we have a horrible fight I think, "What would I take with me if we had to divorce?"

9. I have found that I am happiest when I am content.

10. While I do not have an evil sister I do have an overly- dramatic frustrating sister.

In The Quiet Of Night

At night, when I am feeding Lil' P, he will often fall asleep in my arms.

It's during these moments when I just stare at his sweet, perfect face and try to capture it forever in my mind.

I wonder who he will grow up to be and if I will be lucky enough to witness it. It often leads to silent tears as I begin to imagine the pain my mom went through in being forced to let go of her family earlier than she expected.

Then the pain and hurt of losing her quickly follows.

Life and death are a certainty of life. No matter how short or long. Unfair or just. I know that there can be no great sorrow without great love. These are the things that bring balance our universe.

I find myself always hoping that if there is one thing that I accomplish in my life here on earth it is that my precious little boy will know how much I loved him. But in striving for that goal-- I know that my absence, which will surely come, will bring him pain. The same sadness that lingers just below my surface.

And I am left feeling selfish for bringing something so life-altering to another.

The Light Of My Life

Seriously?

Sorry, but I can't help it...

This is going to stimulate the economy????

Getting an extra $13.00 a week in take-home- pay for 6 months? Then $8.00 a week starting in January?

Now I know where $504.00 is going-- where is the other 790 billion?

El Stupid-o

I contacted my current RE's office for a copy of my file for my consultation at the end of the month. I also included on the disclosure that they should release my records from my previous RE.

(HIPPA guidelines do not allow for offices to release any information that they did not produce them selves.)

At the request of S.IRM I indicated that I wanted the file sent directly to me.

My current office contacted me to tell me there was a $27.00 fee for the release. After being questioned by the woman about what records I wanted I finally said, "I want a copy of the entire file." If I only wanted my 1st RE's records I would have just sent my request there, right? Right.

So what did I get today???? A copy of my very 1st RE records-- and nothing from my current RE's office.

Fuckwits.

Deep Thought

CIO ='s Suckage.

Is It Bravery?

I have made a new mom- friend through a local mothers group I go to. She has a little girl 3 months younger than Lil' P.

When we started to talk about pregnancies, the challenges of motherhood, and our husbands it naturally led back to how it all started.

I think that I am open about my fertility issues for two reasons:
1) If there is another woman out there I want her to know that she can connect with someone if she wants, who will not say all the stupid things that we here.
2) I feel like by not saying something I am ashamed of my past/ present (it makes no sense but there it is)

After telling her our struggles (including the most recent) she said, "You are very brave."

I could only respond with, "Thank you but I don't feel that way---is there anything that you wouldn't do for your little girl?"

Bearing Witness

I wish I could explain the swell of emotions that came to me this past week. It was an endless variety while some the same but in varying degrees.

Sadness, pain, and death are difficult to witness. The ability to quietly sit with someone when they are at one of their most vulnerable moments in life-- it's not easily done by many. Even by people who make it their trade.

I just wanted to say thank you for bearing witness with me. You were willing to read the words, filled with tears and pain, of my loss-- and stay with me. Offering words or comfort while acknowledging that there is really no such thing. I know that some of you will continue to hold my hand while I strive for our second child and I cannot begin to express my gratefulness.

Thank you for being with me on my journey.

Man Cold

When I recently posted on Facebook that my husband had the flu and strep-- one of my friends sent me this link.

I nearly peed my pants from laughter. Which was good because I was in desperate need of it.

I Need To Speak These Words

I am not sure where else to share the thought that I had yesterday. It's too personal to share with a person who has a face. But somehow I know you will not stand in judgement.

I could only sob while taking my medication to induce my miscarriage, I couldn't seem to stop. After doing so-- I wanted nothing more than to rip the pills out of my body because all I could think was that it would hurt my baby.

I had to remind myself that my baby was already gone. There was no one left to save. That this time, in this moment of life, it was okay to let go.

Our Plan (For Now)

After speaking with my ob I was able to leave the u/s with hope. Not much more you can ask for after an appt. like that.

We found out this pregnancy was just like our 5th pregnancy-- we lost the hb at 7w3d. I felt grateful. Grateful I never saw or knew our baby's beautiful little heart was beating. Discovering the loss of it after knowing would have been heart shattering while, at least now, it's only heart breaking.

It appears I am not going to miscarry on my own so I was prescribed some medications to help with the progression of the miscarriage. Right now, I suspect that it will be fairly painful and will consider using the Lor.itabs to help me cope.

It's one thing to cope with labor pains. Miscarriage pain is beyond painful. To go through something only to lose what you tried so hard to keep... well... I know the emotional pain, grief, will surely join the physical. I want to continue my avoidance of feelings and be 'okay'. (Sigh).

I have a follow up with my ob in two weeks. She has agreed to take a look at the info I found about the alternative to IVIg and will speak with me about it then. She believes that my problems are multi-factorial but that my greatest one is my autoimmune issue.

We are waiting to try again until we have our consult with Dr. Sh.er at SIR.M in the end of February. We are hoping and praying that he will say we can proceed with the Intra.lipid treatment.

I have conceded that unless I end up with twins, it's likely I will not get my third child. But I am refusing to give up on my desire for a second.

I will be as tenacious as the puppy with his new chew toy. I will not let go. Not yet.

This Past Sunday

This is what I heard while sitting in our church balcony, holding my husbands hand:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11

I still have every reason to hope.

I still have my faith.

All will be well.

Pregnancy #8

Is miscarriage #7.

More news to follow.

Still Waiting

So my u/s is Friday.

I have all my usual signs of miscarriage except one. I keep waiting for the cramping and such-- but nothing.

I find it quite doubtful that I have a healthy, "viable" (God, I hate that word) pregnancy and a lack of symptoms.

I am not that lucky.

A Little Political

I made sure that Lil' P and I watched the inauguration today. No matter who you voted for history was in the making. It's important that it's acknowledged and applauded.

In full disclosure, I was one of the 5.7 million people who did not vote for him. However, I am giving him 4 years to earn my vote. With that said, I hope that he guides this country safely during his presidency and may he have nothing but wisdom and health.

I must admit I am a little tired of people making him out to be the greatest icon ever. He hasn't had to do anything yet. Yet, I feel like people are already writing down in the history books that he was the greatest president ever.

I think that constantly hearing about change has left people with unrealistic expectations. Sadly, when those parameters are set up it often leads to disappointment. No one is perfect, not the last president nor our 44th. He's a human. A person. Just like you and me.

He has a lot to live up to and I can only imagine the pressure. And the relief of our last president as he passed the baton.

With all the political mud that was thrown during the election, really all elections, I was wondering. Is there a time when the new president sits in the oval office, with his closest advisers, and is given all the information about a decision his predecessor made and thinks "Oh, well, now that decision makes sense"?

There must be. I wonder what moment it will be for him.

What do you think was said when they walked into the W.hite Hous.e, for the first time, as the 1st family?

I think it went along the lines of "Holy Sh*t!!!"

Real or Not--- What Would You Pick?

So my family and I were sitting around chatting about what would make our lives easier-- because we like to talk about really deep, thought provoking things.

If money were no option, real or fantasy, the responses were the following:

My oldest sister wanted someone to do her hair everyday.

My BIL wanted a daily, full-body rub down.

L wanted someone to clean the house 2-3 times a week.

My middle sister wanted 2 additional hours to everyday but her absence would not affect anyone around her. Like a time-warp of sorts but solely for her- this way she could sleep, clean, or do whatever she wanted.

I said I would like to have a professional chef 3-4 times a week. That way I could grab healthy meals and snacks out frig or freezer anytime I wanted.

What would you pick???