Is It Bravery?

I have made a new mom- friend through a local mothers group I go to. She has a little girl 3 months younger than Lil' P.

When we started to talk about pregnancies, the challenges of motherhood, and our husbands it naturally led back to how it all started.

I think that I am open about my fertility issues for two reasons:
1) If there is another woman out there I want her to know that she can connect with someone if she wants, who will not say all the stupid things that we here.
2) I feel like by not saying something I am ashamed of my past/ present (it makes no sense but there it is)

After telling her our struggles (including the most recent) she said, "You are very brave."

I could only respond with, "Thank you but I don't feel that way---is there anything that you wouldn't do for your little girl?"

Bearing Witness

I wish I could explain the swell of emotions that came to me this past week. It was an endless variety while some the same but in varying degrees.

Sadness, pain, and death are difficult to witness. The ability to quietly sit with someone when they are at one of their most vulnerable moments in life-- it's not easily done by many. Even by people who make it their trade.

I just wanted to say thank you for bearing witness with me. You were willing to read the words, filled with tears and pain, of my loss-- and stay with me. Offering words or comfort while acknowledging that there is really no such thing. I know that some of you will continue to hold my hand while I strive for our second child and I cannot begin to express my gratefulness.

Thank you for being with me on my journey.

Man Cold

When I recently posted on Facebook that my husband had the flu and strep-- one of my friends sent me this link.

I nearly peed my pants from laughter. Which was good because I was in desperate need of it.

I Need To Speak These Words

I am not sure where else to share the thought that I had yesterday. It's too personal to share with a person who has a face. But somehow I know you will not stand in judgement.

I could only sob while taking my medication to induce my miscarriage, I couldn't seem to stop. After doing so-- I wanted nothing more than to rip the pills out of my body because all I could think was that it would hurt my baby.

I had to remind myself that my baby was already gone. There was no one left to save. That this time, in this moment of life, it was okay to let go.

Our Plan (For Now)

After speaking with my ob I was able to leave the u/s with hope. Not much more you can ask for after an appt. like that.

We found out this pregnancy was just like our 5th pregnancy-- we lost the hb at 7w3d. I felt grateful. Grateful I never saw or knew our baby's beautiful little heart was beating. Discovering the loss of it after knowing would have been heart shattering while, at least now, it's only heart breaking.

It appears I am not going to miscarry on my own so I was prescribed some medications to help with the progression of the miscarriage. Right now, I suspect that it will be fairly painful and will consider using the Lor.itabs to help me cope.

It's one thing to cope with labor pains. Miscarriage pain is beyond painful. To go through something only to lose what you tried so hard to keep... well... I know the emotional pain, grief, will surely join the physical. I want to continue my avoidance of feelings and be 'okay'. (Sigh).

I have a follow up with my ob in two weeks. She has agreed to take a look at the info I found about the alternative to IVIg and will speak with me about it then. She believes that my problems are multi-factorial but that my greatest one is my autoimmune issue.

We are waiting to try again until we have our consult with Dr. Sh.er at SIR.M in the end of February. We are hoping and praying that he will say we can proceed with the Intra.lipid treatment.

I have conceded that unless I end up with twins, it's likely I will not get my third child. But I am refusing to give up on my desire for a second.

I will be as tenacious as the puppy with his new chew toy. I will not let go. Not yet.

This Past Sunday

This is what I heard while sitting in our church balcony, holding my husbands hand:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -- Jeremiah 29:11

I still have every reason to hope.

I still have my faith.

All will be well.

Pregnancy #8

Is miscarriage #7.

More news to follow.

Still Waiting

So my u/s is Friday.

I have all my usual signs of miscarriage except one. I keep waiting for the cramping and such-- but nothing.

I find it quite doubtful that I have a healthy, "viable" (God, I hate that word) pregnancy and a lack of symptoms.

I am not that lucky.

A Little Political

I made sure that Lil' P and I watched the inauguration today. No matter who you voted for history was in the making. It's important that it's acknowledged and applauded.

In full disclosure, I was one of the 5.7 million people who did not vote for him. However, I am giving him 4 years to earn my vote. With that said, I hope that he guides this country safely during his presidency and may he have nothing but wisdom and health.

I must admit I am a little tired of people making him out to be the greatest icon ever. He hasn't had to do anything yet. Yet, I feel like people are already writing down in the history books that he was the greatest president ever.

I think that constantly hearing about change has left people with unrealistic expectations. Sadly, when those parameters are set up it often leads to disappointment. No one is perfect, not the last president nor our 44th. He's a human. A person. Just like you and me.

He has a lot to live up to and I can only imagine the pressure. And the relief of our last president as he passed the baton.

With all the political mud that was thrown during the election, really all elections, I was wondering. Is there a time when the new president sits in the oval office, with his closest advisers, and is given all the information about a decision his predecessor made and thinks "Oh, well, now that decision makes sense"?

There must be. I wonder what moment it will be for him.

What do you think was said when they walked into the W.hite Hous.e, for the first time, as the 1st family?

I think it went along the lines of "Holy Sh*t!!!"

Real or Not--- What Would You Pick?

So my family and I were sitting around chatting about what would make our lives easier-- because we like to talk about really deep, thought provoking things.

If money were no option, real or fantasy, the responses were the following:

My oldest sister wanted someone to do her hair everyday.

My BIL wanted a daily, full-body rub down.

L wanted someone to clean the house 2-3 times a week.

My middle sister wanted 2 additional hours to everyday but her absence would not affect anyone around her. Like a time-warp of sorts but solely for her- this way she could sleep, clean, or do whatever she wanted.

I said I would like to have a professional chef 3-4 times a week. That way I could grab healthy meals and snacks out frig or freezer anytime I wanted.

What would you pick???

Pop Confession

I would totally go see Bri.ttany Spear.s in concert.

She may be a little whorey but a fine entertainer none the less. And frankly, as of late, I could use a little non- baby entertainment in my life.

What's your pop confession??

The Abyss

I have decided that my kitchen containers are much like socks to the laundry room.

Where on earth do my lids go?????

Fantastic Alternitive To IVIg-- A Must Read

I received this information from an RPL message board. It's very exciting and offers new hope to those who have to use IVIg treatments to maintain a pregnancy due to autoimmune disorders.

S.IRM Laboratories has started using this to fight natural killer cells (NK) issues and I am currently in the midst of speaking with them to see if the treatment will help with my Leukocyte Antibodies (LAD) issue.

The best part???? The cost is only 10% of what IVIg is!!!!
***********

Intralipid

About a year ago, we began evaluating the effect of Intralipid in patients who had activated Natural Killer cells, and for whom IVIG therapy would otherwise be indicated. Thus far we have treated more than 30 women with Nka using Intralipid 20%. More than 60% of the patients achieved viable ongoing pregnancies, showing Intralipid therapy to be at least as effective (and perhaps even more so) than IVIG. There were no significant side effects and patient tolerance of this treatment was high. We anticipate that patients receiving Intralipid will soon start reporting on their experience using Intralipid, on various discussion boards.

Against this background, SIRM physicians have collectively decided to virtually abandon further use of IVIG, in favor of Intralipid.

Fudge

Well, I think my ob is trying to kill me.

The u/s is scheduled 2 weeks from now.

Here's hoping that if I really am going to miscarry that I will do so before hand. Otherwise, I will be hopeful and extra crushed if the appointment is a bust.

I typically miscarry about 7-8 weeks but have gone as long as 11.

(Sigh).

And life continues.

Nothing New

The title pretty much just says it all.

I have conceded that this pregnancy is over but I can still feel the smallest sliver of hope lingering in the back of my mind... stupid hope.

I will be getting a call from my ob's office tomorrow informing me of what will occur next- blood work or ultrasound. It'll be one.

There are brief discussions going on inside our house about what steps will be taken after this. All them make me want to cry and leave me feeling anxious and like a failure.

I'm Bad At Math

And this is one math problem I can't seem to get wrong.

So if you see another way I am open to discussion. But no matter how many different ways I look at this I can't seem to come out on a positive.

I started to miscarry (#7) around Nov. 6th and that took a week.

I found out about this pregnancy on the Dec 9th. So it would be physically impossible for me to be any earlier than 3 weeks on that day, right?? Then that would mean I would have to be at least 6 weeks today.

I measured 5 weeks with no sign of a fetal pole. Just a nice little sac with yolk.

My doctor was out today and won't be in until next week. I suspect she will do another u/s if I haven't started spotting or miscarrying by then. Then, if that's inconclusive, I imagine that she will do more labs. L is just frustrated with me and thinks I am "not giving our baby a chance" that I am being too pessimistic.

I just don't see how this can end any other way, the math isn't making sense.

I am just so sad. I don't see how I can keep doing this.

It's times like this when I hate hope the most. It juts leaves me feeling hurt, sad, and empty.

Damn it.

Cheers To A New Year

Hoping your new year brings you peace and many unexpected joys!

My Bad Peoples

The decision to actually have a u/s was made today but it will actually take place later this week. I will post when I am ready as the day could bring many things. Thanks for caring about me :)

The Finale of Christmas Favorites: Pictures

A picture to treasure for years to come.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Tuesday: The Results Show

It's slightly more clear--- quick recap:

1st draw--- Hcg (6), Progesterone (25.3)

2nd draw after 48 hours--- Hcg (25), No Progesterone taken

3rd draw (5 days later)--- Hcg (337), Progesterone (18)

Now---

4th draw (6 days later)--- Hcg (4,437), Progesterone (29.2)

My doctor was out but my trusty nurse called anyway (I love her!). She believes that a u/s will be ordered next and I concur. Monday is when I will know the final decision. I am just taking this one step at a time right now...