Day 2 of Christmas Favorites: Ornaments

I have no idea why this is one of my favorite ornament- it just is!

What's yours?

Day 1 of Christmas Favorites: Cookies!

This is a recipe that I made two years ago- it now has a cultish following.

L's family requests it every year for Christmas, it was the only thing my SIL could eat when she was pregnant with her first. Last year, my ob (including her staff) requested the recipe when I made them for the office-- she actually asked me twice for it. I really thought she was just being polite the first time she asked- my bad! Now, my sister and dad ask for it each Christmas Eve. I have to make a double batch these days. The picture to the right is what the completed cookie should look like.

The recipe, Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies, was originally in this book. It has many great recipes, but try not to be alarmed about the amount of butter many of them call for :) This cookie and may others are great for any special (or non-special occasion). I hope you get the chance to try this!

So here it is---

1 cup sugar
1/2 cup softened butter
1 egg
1-1/2 tsp. vanilla
1-1/2 cup flour
1/4 cup unsweetened coco powder
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 jar of halved marashino cherries (save the juice)
1- 6oz. pkg. a semi- sweet chocolate (pieces- I use bakers chocolate)
1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk

1. Beat sugar and butter together until fluffy
2. Add egg and vanilla- mix well
3. In seperate bowl- flour through salt- mix well
4. Shape dough into balls
5. Indent center (I use a 1/4 tsp to do this step)
6. Place half cherry in each indention
7. In a sauce pan- melt together tne chocolate pieces and sweetened milk. Once melted add cherry juice until spreadable consistency.
8. 1/2 to 1 tsp. of chocolate sauce on top of each cherry (cover the cherry)
9. Bake @ 350 for 13-15 minutes

Please share your favorite Christmas cookie-- Happy Baking Everyone!!

(Sigh)...

Well, it's still unclear.

1st draw--- Hcg (6), Progesterone (25.3)

2nd draw after 48 hours--- Hcg (25), No Progesterone taken

3rd draw (5 days later)--- Hcg (337), Progesterone (18)

My doctor was out today but I am pretty sure that she will put me suppositories at least once daily tomorrow. I would be okay if she wanted to do another draw. The drop in progesterone is not inspiring.

So we are continuing to wait and see. I just feel so disheartened right now.
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Added 12/18--- I will be on 200mg of prometrium nightly and more blood work on Monday. The results show will be Tuesday.

Duct Tape At Work

It really does fix everything.

Second Draw

says (in voice of family feud)... !

Hcg- 25.

I wasn't going to be pleased with anything under 36 to be honest. I feel like it went up just "enough". Does that make sense?

Also, here is a quick history of the last month and tell me what you think---

11/6- m/c

11/20- follow up (this the start of the 3rd week since m/c)

12/4 and 12/6- negative h.pt (this is the start of week 5 since m/c)

12/08- positive hp.t (this is middle of week 5 since m/c)

Are there any guesses as to how far along you think I am? I just wish I had some kind of idea. If it's any more than 12dpo then it's not looking good.

There was no progesterone draw this time. Assuming that my doctor wants more lab work on next Tuesday, and I am guessing she will, there will be one then.

The numbers on Tuesday will be back Wednesday so I will post then, unless of course, I miscarry before then. Until then, we will just wait and see--- such is the life of an RPL'er.

Crown, Sash, or Septor?

Which one do you think I should get for myself? I personally like the idea of a septor. Then I can whack people when they irritate me--- [grin]

None of you were around in my early days but I have decided that I am officially reclaiming my title as 'Most Fertile RPL'er' E.V.E.R.

I started to feel like I was pregnant late last week so I took an E.p.t and it came out negative. I decided to give it another day or two and Saturday morning E.p.t still said negative. So I went through the weekend and these situations kept arising that O.N.L.Y occur when I am pregnant. So I broke down, got my trusty CBE D.igitals (because I hate staring at an hpt for hours trying to "see" if I see line) and it popped up "pregnant".

I go to my OB's office that morning, without calling, to get my bloodwork completed- because you know we roll like that- and they call me back today with the numbers.

It's a 6.

Who the hell gets a 6 for an hcg (beta) number???? I have n.e.v.e.r gotten a number that low, even in my one chemical pregnancy. Seriously, a 6????

Either this pregnancy is waaaaaay super early or I have a chemical pregnancy waiting to happen.

I asked my nurse if it even counted since it was so low, she said it does. My progesterone is a 25.3 so at least that indicates pregnancy (and that was fasting if you are wondering).

I spoke to one of my friends about this--- she suggested I take another pregnancy test. The reasoning being that, if it were a chemical pregnancy, it wouldn't turn up positive again. But blast! I had already gone to the bathroom. I think I will try this again in a few hours. Or maybe not. This will end up how ever it's going to end up.... (sigh). L has threatened to stop having s.ex with me because every time I end up pregnant.

I think my new tag line will be----

A perpetual state of pregnancy since 2005!

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Edited 4:10pm-- CBE Digital Retake says 'pregnant'

Intersting Effect

I have a friend from high school who was pretty flighty. I love her but seriously, she didn't always act like the sharpest knife in the drawer. Although, it wasn't because she wasn't smart- if that makes any sense.

Another friend from high school was fairly defiant with her parents (i.e-sneaking out of the house with boys at the age of 12).

Both of them had children very young, before the age of 20. What amazes me is I have never seen two people as grounded as these two women are. They are amazing and they love their children dearly and are raising them to be good, honest people.

I wonder why children can't have this effect on everyone.

When Does It Change?

So (un)complicate me inspired this post when she spoke about "going home" as in, her parents house. Not the home she currently lives in with her husband J and expects to bring her little one home to.

This got me thinking about my little quirk---

I have lived in the same state for over 7 years I still don't know how to answer the question, "Where are you from?" I typically reply, "Where do I live or where did I grow up?" Now, to be upfront, I usually ask this because people notice that I have an accent [insert eye roll here].

I anticipate that this will change when I have lived in my current place of residence the same amount of time as my childhood home.

Any quirks that you want to share????

Grab The Cheese

Because I am about to "wine". I love my son but I am about to whine about how he is quickly growing up ~~sniff~~ and getting sick.

I feel like this month has just raked me over the coals. I am so, so tired and Lil' P hasn't slept well in over a month. It's just been one thing after another with him lately.

Physically---
He got a double ear infection at the start of the month.
Then he went through a growth spurt that I swear lasted a week.
Then he got a "rash" that turned out to be Eczema.
Then he got his 6 month vaccinations and his flu shot.
Over Thanksgiving weekend he got another double ear infection.
And he officially cut his first tooth today.

Developmentally---
Just after 5-1/2 months he had learned to straight up without help.
Just shy of 6 months he started eating solid foods.
A week after that he started rolling over from his back to stomach.
Then another week went by and he could easily go from stomach to back.
Now he is able to pick things up with one hand.
And is constantly getting onto his stomach (despite this maneuver making him cry) so he can try to crawl.
The boy cannot stay still- even during the 30 minutes that he does sleep he is still moving!

All these things are great and exciting but when they all occur at the same time time it equals poor, poor sleep. For everyone. Do you know that one night he didn't go to sleep until 2am???? Mostly, it's remarkably, and sadly, close to the new born stage in how he sleeps-- a block of three hours and one hour blocks thereafter.

Me---
I got one more small work project and a big one.
And I am sick.
Did I mention how tired I was?

Glad you grabbed the cheese while I supplied the "wine"???

Primary v. Secondary

I always wondered about the difference between those who had primary infertility and secondary. Sometimes I wonder if I count as primary since truly I was, and still am, and RPL'er. However, do often link myself to those suffering with primary infertility. Can an RPL'er be infertile????

Since, in this discussion, I was a primary I can tell you how hard it was... or is depending on your point of view. You have the constant wondering if you will even have a family. If you will ever have the precious, sticky, pregnancy. If the fertility issue goes on long enough you start to bargain with God or the universe. You say, "If you just give me one healthy child I will..." Sadly, if you are at that point then you are already aware of what your odds are-- and that not every couple gets the pregnancy they so desperately want or deserve.

In the beginning of Lil' P's pregnancy I was always happiest when I felt the worst. Of course I was anxious and worried, but if I was feeling bad I knew there was some hope. Then as the pregnancy progressed each time I found myself not being able to get close enough to the counter, or needing to get off my feet because I knew that my back would surely break, or tossing and turning trying to get into a comfortable sleep-- I was smiling on the inside that I was given a healthy pregnancy. While times of the pregnancy were challenging, I loved each and every minute because I didn't know if I would be given another chance.

As a secondary, I think that a couple, or family, sit there in as much surprise as the primary couple. It was likely very easy the first time and now they are trying to figure out what went wrong. What changed. Maybe they look back at their first pregnancy and say, "I wish I had paid closer attention to my pregnancy-- I wish I had tried to enjoy it more." Do they wish they had complained less about the swollen ankles, the morning sickness, or the back aches? Perhaps, it is significantly more difficult for them because they didn't know it could be their last and only time.

What do you think? What was your experience?

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope that everyone has safe travels and a wonderful, peaceful holiday!

Poor Posting Week

Sorry I have not commenting on everyones blog like I usually do (or posting on mine). It's been crazy this week for the following reasons---

- I finally have a work project. Not a big one but I will take it. It means money- Yay!
- My sister hurt her back and I have been trying to help her out.
- Lil' P has NOT been sleeping well at all.
- It seems like he is sick every other day, so we are at the doctors office every other day.
- I am helping one of my friends look for jobs here as she, and her family of 4, are possibly relocating.
- And of course I am trying to read the 4th book of the Twli.ght series.

That about all- and I hope all is well in your world!!

Team Jacob

So I have been reading the book series Tw.light. I know, I know-- it's for teens! But after several recommendations from friends and family I finally caved. I will try not to go into too much detail as there could be someone out there who is still waiting to finish the series. Hell, I still haven't started the 4th book! But I will have to describe some of what is going on-- so be forewarned there is a spoiler ahead!

While sad, the turn of events is this series truly does keep me up at night. I actually dream about. (Yes, I realize that I am a little over zealous!)
***********

The main character, Bel.la, has found herself in love triangle.

Edwar.d is her first love. The first person she ever really gave herself too. It's full of passion and excitement-- drama. She is mesmerized by his smile, his laugh. She is incomplete without him. She is consumed by his mere presence.

Then you have J.acob. Solid, kind, warm, and easy to be with. Safe. There is drama within their relationship but it pales in comparison. At one point in the book she describes him as her "sun... who fills the holes in my [her] life."

Now---

Aren't all first loves completely consuming? Aren't they all filled with drama? Isn't the drama what gives the couple the passion? I mean, I know mine was. I was so in love with my first real boyfriend. I would have given just about anything to be back with him after we broke up. I felt completely lost without him. This went on for about two years. I realize that there is still a part of me that still loves him. That always will.

Then I found L. L and I defiantly had drama in our relationship at first (and still do at times) but there was still so much more. We were able to grow together-- find balance within our relationship. My infatuation, I guess ours, turned to something deeper. I feel like we are the package that I always talked about wanting. Safe. Solid. L would have to do something very dramatic in order to lose me, and vice versa- but let's not go there.

Here is what my problem is--- I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why she would choose Edward. Why? I find myself wanting pull her out of the book, slap her, and give her reality check. How is she willing to throw away the comfort and safety of someone she loves, Jacob? Someone she can trust? Someone who has never left her? How can she sign herself up for an eternity of drama? Why is she so willing to leave her friends and parents, her loved ones, behind? She has no idea what is in store for Edward. No idea what could happen to him, when/if he could be killed. And she could be left with an eternity to cope the aftermath. Why would you sign up for something like that???

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

A Friendship Changed

I felt I would share my experience after reading about Mel's Bad Breakup.

I had a friendship change with one simple comment. We are still friends but she has no idea that she changed our friendship forever one night. If you have read my blog recently you know that I lost my mom and my first pregnancy within days of each other.

My friend and I had met at summer camp when we were 9-- so at the time we had been friends for about 16 years. She was my maid-of-honor at my wedding and we had seen each other through much over the years. Looking back, I know her comment was more about where she was in her life but it doesn't change what happened.

I had just made the 8 hour trip back to my parents house after finding out that I was likely going to miscarry and found that my mom had stopped talking and opening her eyes while I was gone. I called her because I was a wreck, bawling my eyes out. I needed a voice of comfort, someone who I thought would just love me and listen- someone who wasn't consumed in their own grief. I will never forget her response as I choked out between sobs what had happened.

She said, "How can you be surprised with all the stress you have been under?"

My trust in her was broken in that instant and things changed forever.

Your Title

So I was wondering how you came up with the title of your blog. Did you ponder it for days or did it just come to you? Was it an epiphany-- an "ah-ha!" moment? Or did you know the moment you started typing?

Mine was pretty straight forward---

I decided I wanted to start a blog because I needed to get out my emotions somehow while still being a little creative. I started to think about fertility and how I once heard a friend say it was "easy to become a mom"--- I thought "Ha! What a load of crap!"

While accurate, I didn't think that was the best blog title so here you have it--- Motherhood (the not so easy road)

Honoring Mom

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death.

Often, when I think of my mom, I remember a lilac bush that we had in front of our house growing up. We would open our windows when the weather warmed- and if the breeze was just right the scent of the lilacs would pour into our house. It always made her smile...

It's hard for me to be a mom without a mom. There are so many questions I want answered. So many days when I just cry from not knowing what to do and wishing she was just a phone call away. I valued our friendship and trust deeply-- we were so much alike.

God, how I miss her.

I pray that she can feel my love all the way in heaven, especially today.

In Line for My Rainbow

I am really not a pessimist-- though I suspect many of you think I am. I am just very honest about how I feel and think. I understand my reality quite well and it took me two years to accept it.

I have officially started to miscarry today as I suspected I would. And I am just very, very sad.

The loss of this little baby will leave a little mark on my heart along with his or her brothers and sisters. I guess once an RPL'er always an RPL'er.

I wrote this post not long ago. In it I spoke about how if you have a problem you are in line for a miracle. Does wanting another child still make me in line for one? Is wanting a miracle twice, maybe even three times, too much to ask for one couple- one family- one lifetime? Does it make me selfish? I don't know. But I hope that God still considers me in line.

The pain and sadness is just as deep as it ever was but the depth of anxiety and fear that was ever present in my previous losses has disappeared. The wondering if I will ever feel a baby move or hold a child, well, it's gone-- I am blessed with my little boy. My sweet Lil' P. And if our son is the only earth bound child we ever have, while L and I will be deeply sad, we will know how blessed we are-- and we will be okay.

There are two things I have learned throughout my short experience of life- it's that love knows no time or distance. And my family of nine -nine!- knows how much I love each of them.

And that in order to see a rainbow the rain must have already passed you by.

Childhood Story

In fairness, since I am sharing my story-- I think that you should post yours on your blog and leave a link so we can all read too! Come on- it'll be fun!!
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So there is a story about me when I was growing up that my family just loooooves to tell. (I always picture my mom trying so hard not to hysterically laugh when I think of this story---)

Picture it, Michigan, 1982, summertime. A little girl sits on her family's back porch and just cries and cries as her mother and sisters bury the family bird Sunshine (he was yellow). After the burial, the little girl just continues to sob.

The mother, thinks "I had no idea she was so attached to that bird..." So she sits down next to weeping girl hoping to find some words of comfort. After a few minutes the mother begins to talk quietly and attempts to engage her in some conversation. The truth of the tears is soon revealed--

The little girl is crying because the boxed used for the burial was the one her new shoes had come in-- and believes the family buried her shoes along with the bird.

(In my defense, those shoes were totally kickin'!!! They were cute white patent shoes, you know the shiny kind with the silver buckle?? You would have cried too.... hmph!)

A Not So Happy Halloween For This Cat

This is one pissed off kitty---

Gifts

Thank you again for all the support you have offered- you all are so sweet and kind. It's nice to have so many people holding my hand through this.

I thought that I would have a check in and share some things that I have been thinking about.

As far a symptoms- I don't have many. There are times when I have food aversions but it comes and goes. I only have waves of nausea and it seems to occur about 8pm and sometimes when I am up feeding Lil' P at 2am. However, I am not sure if that is because I have started to take my Metformin in the afternoon. (Does anyone have any idea when it starts to take effect???) More often, I have days where I feel like food is just sitting at the top of my throat (although I don't really think that's a symptom). Other than that I have breast tenderness that sometimes keeps me from falling asleep.

I am not feeling very confident about this pregnancy. I know that all pregnancies are different but this one reminds me more of the ones where I have miscarried than of Lil' P's. I feel like every symptom I have can be logically explained. And it just makes me sad. I feel sad for what could be. Hope still lingers but I also know my reality.

As I was re-reading people's comments I thought about how grateful I was that no one offered the "C" word. I think that most people would think that it's strange- I think it's a little strange. It got me thinking...

Congratulations are given and said to people when exciting things are going to happen. Such as people getting married or newly married, a new job, a promotion, a new car, a new home or apartment, and of course having a baby on the way. These are the wonderful, exciting things-- these things bring hope and joy. A reason for celebration.

I remember still being excited when I was pregnant the second time. I thought, "After everything I have been through, surely God wouldn't do this to me a second time." We were hopeful and excited- even told family and some friends. People offered their congratulations-- and it was heartbreaking to have to tell these same people that there was nothing to be celebrated anymore. There was no new baby coming. Again. Much like Pavlov's theory-- the word soon had a negative association instead of a positive one.

So when I hear, "Congratulations!", it assumes that something good and joyful is going to happen-- and that is just not my life. It's not my history.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that pregnancy to me, to many, is a beautiful, precious gift. It's a gift that I gladly accept and protect to the best of ability no matter how narrow of a scope that is--- but I also know it is not always a gift I get to open.