Hang Tough NKOTB

I know it's wrong on several different levels but... NKOTB rules!

My favorite was always Jon- the older wiser man of the group :) Who was yours???? Admit it, you know you had a favorite!

Updates and Such

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So we had our first birthing class on Saturday. I think that it will give us a lot of information, which is something that always makes me feel better. The teacher of the class was one of the two doulas I considered. Teach, the one teaching the class, and the other we'll call M, because I can't think of anything creative right now.

L thought that Teach was rather bossy and told me that he felt intimidated by her. Which I thought was funny. She's been in the birthing business for over 20 years, I thought she was just confident and had her definite opinions. I can't help but wonder if L felt that she was "bossy" because she was a women. He did agree with me that we would get a lot of good information out of the class.

Which brings me to the next little update. I have thought about it a lot over the last month and I have realized that what I want is my mom physically present at the birth. That isn't going to happen although I know she will be there in spirit. I am wanting something a little more concrete (nothing personal mom!) The next best thing is a doula. Someone to help us at home, help at the hospital, help us stay calm and focused. To make sure we are calling as many shots as possible (it is my body) and to make sure we aren't getting bowled over by doctors. So during our drive to the birthing class I explained all this to L. He told me still understood why I would want another women there, that I have good intuition, he does not believe that it would be selfish of me to spend money on a doula, and he is happy with whatever I want.

I thought about it more during class and about what L said. My very first instinct was was to have a doula and I think that it's important I feel as supported as possible. So I have emailed the doula I wanted, M, and am hoping that she is still available. As soon as I made that decision, I could feel a large portion of my anxiety ease. And I don't feel as intimidated anymore or like I have to be "so" prepared. That last statement makes me sound a little neurotic, yikes!

I think that L is even more comfortable with having a doula because in the class there was a lot of talk about higher rates of post-partum depression among women who were unhappy with their birth experiences. I think that made L take notice. I told L that M is a younger that Teach, she felt a little more laid back to me and that I really liked the way she answered my questions (it was the reason I interviewed her in person) He said that he would like someone who is younger- like she would be a little more on our level. I agree that M is more our style of person so I am hoping that this will work out.

The only other info I really have to offer on the baby front is that I finally started a registry. It was crazy strange but I have. I am glad I started it online because I became overwhelmed (I had flash back of registering when I was getting married- ugh!) I have been doing some research on certain products but- it was nothing like having to really make a decision. Anyway, I plan on finishing some more up in the store next weekend as one of good friends, who is about to be a second time mom, is going to come with me. She wants to see all the new stuff and I want someone there to say, "You don't want that one because... try this one instead".

Sorry it takes so long for me to post these days but with L gone all the time I am trying to take care of everything myself. Then I am trying to work as much as possible while I have the energy so we can save some cash. I do check the blogs all the time I just may not comment! Hope all you lovelies can forgive me :)

Apology

I feel like I owe you an apology for my post on Monday. I was so distraught and upset I didn't know what else to do. Later that day I realized how upsetting that post could be to some people if not forewarned. I meant to come back and edit it but- time got away from me.

I know that we live in the world of IF and in turn this means we see many things. Late losses are a part of that. So while I know that we are all aware of the possibility, and that it does exists, I doesn't mean that we want to be reminded of that. I know that there have been times when I just wasn't able to muster up the energy to read about a loss or when I just didn't need to be reminded of it.

With that said, LeLe is doing as well as can be expected and I know that she is grateful for any prayers and positive energy that people have sent. I truly thank you for your support of her.

I appreciate your patience with me and do apologize if caught some of you off guard.

Lost

One of my dear friends, LeLe, lost her second baby girl last night at 20 weeks. She lives very far away from me so I can be of little help.

The only thing that I can think of is to post this picture and send many, many prayers out to her, her husband, her two sons, and now her two daughters. Please send comforting prayers to her and her family. To describe this situation as unfair, well, it doesn't even do it justice.

LeLe, I pray that God is carrying you at this time and please know how much we love you, your family and your angels.

Last Treatment

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

Finally. I have found a large sense of relief in knowing my last IVIg treatment is next week. But in this relief I have also found some guilty feelings. It's not that I don't think that it's been worth it, cause I think that it has changed something but I am tired. I am tired of the needles, the planning, the ordering, and watching all that money disappear. Over the last three years my empathy with lab rats has increased three fold. I'm mostly just tired of it all.

As I said logically, I know that it has helped, it's just hard for the practical side of me when there is no baby to physically hold. This feeling reminds me of the days when I would hand the RE money trying to get here. Now I am trying to stay here. I can feel baby move regularly but somehow it's just different. I hope that these feelings don't make me a bad parent. I am sure that once I am holding Lil' P in my arms I will sigh with relief, happiness, and contentment. I am am just still waiting for the moment when I feel like everything is going to be okay.

My jury is still out on the whole doula thing. Although, the practical side of myself is still wining. I probably would do it but now that we are having one last treatment... well, it's just hard for me to justify. We'll see. Originally, I said I would make the decision by the end of this month but I think it may wait until after our second birthing class.

It's hard to believe but we have our first birthing class next Saturday. Crazy, crazy, crazy...

In other exciting news, we had snow here the other night but once the ground was nicely blanketed, it started to rain so I didn't get a picture. However, they are predicting snow for us again today so I think that I will post a picture of snow just to encourage old man winter.

My Dream

I had a dream last night that I was in this large, old house with grey walls. Inside, I gave birth to my baby all alone. I wasn't frantic or scared, I was quite calm and collected (it would be nice if real life reflected this!)

I started to breastfeed the baby and I sat down in this comfortable chair- feeling all warm and cozy. My sisters came in and I said with a smile, "Come meet James! You all missed it..."

My sisters laughed and asked if I had checked to sure that the baby was indeed a boy. I said, "No, I know it's a boy". So my sisters made me check- and it was a girl.

I told L this morning that he had better make me check when this baby arrives :)

Name 12 Things Challenge

I feel like there are many times when I complain about L but at the end of day I do still like him, not just love him. Often, the the traits that frustrate me the most are also the very ones, that when we first met, made the most attracted to him.

So in honor of the new year changing over, and this being the 12th day, I am going to list 12 things that I like about L.

1. L makes me laugh by just being silly at times. Like the a couple of weeks ago he started dancing around in his boxers and t-shirt and continued to dance while pulling up his tee shirt to make a bra. All while signing a song he "wrote." It. Was. Hot.

2. I like that he has a strong foundation in religion. While it drives me insane that he needs to go every Sunday (can't a girl take a break?) it's good for me to learn about Jesus and the Bible. While I have true faith in God, it's the fundamentals and background information I lack.

3. At the end of the day, L can really support me and listen when I need it the most. He has an uncanny way of telling when something is truly important to me.

4. When I need a hug, he is always willing to give me one. After a rough day at work it's a great feeling to just be held in his arms.

5. When I have a headache that stretches the length of my forehead, from stress or thinking too long (I squint my eyebrows together when I do this), he places several kisses right over those spots and the headache subsides. It always amazes me how that works!

6. I love that I still think that he's cute, has such pretty blue eyes, and a nice, deep voice. Oh- and nice broad shoulders (What can I say? I still find him attractive!)

7. I like that when L goes out with his single friends (on the rare occasion) he always comes home and says how glad he is that he's "not out there anymore".

8. Despite the fact that I enjoy my solitude, I like it when L tells me he wants to come home when traveling.

9. I like the fact that he is a very social person and will talk to anyone about just about anything. (But for your own sake do not start talking about college football!)

10. I like that L has a passion, although it's football, it's makes me smile to watch him become so animated.

11. L will ask for help to do even the simplest task (this aggravates me when I am trying to do something). I can appreciate the fact that he's asking for help- it's a humble trait. It's something I definitely need to work on!

12. I like that L's values and ideas are traditional and vary little. While at times this drives me insane (cause I am a moderate person as you know!) I know that there is goodness at the core of them. And, quite frankly, it's nice to be able to have something consistent these days.

So the question is, are you up to the challenge? Can you list 12 things that you like about your partner? If you are up to it, let me know and I gladly add your link on my page!

This Makes Me Sick

This is the most disturbing thing that I have heard yet. It makes me realize how unseasoned I really am in my field.

I know the man must be disturbed but I find no empathetic or sympathetic feelings for him and I hope that he pays for his awful crime.

When It Rains

Which is no way an intended pun off one of my recent posts... (but still a little funny.)

Things have not started out well for L and I this year. As you can tell by the above mentioned post and now this post... (sigh.)

Well, tonight L came home with some disappointing news. He is about to start his last semester in his Master's program and his office knows that we have our first baby on the way so people were working on making very cool things happen for us- all in the finance department.

His direct boss, his bosses boss, and the bosses bosses boss (can you follow that?) had worked hard in the month of December to plan out the best way to get L the increase in pay he (we) need to take care of our family. Also, this plan was a way to keep L at this company as his current pay is not what it currently should be and once he completes his Masters he could easily command 3 times his current salary (after all one gets a Master's degree for the increase in pay- not the for the sake of knowledge its self... In this family we can be bought!)

So back to point... They had a great plan to maximize L's salary so that by this time next year he would be making close to an extra $1000.00 a month- after taxes. Awesome, right? It may not be what he could command elsewhere but it would be enough and L really does like it there. Well, the approval for the raise made it through 4 tiers (they have some serious red tape) and when it landed on the Sr. Vice President's desk, the last and final frontier of the half-year salary increases, for approval... it got denied. This increase in pay was not astronomical by any means- he has never gotten a raise and has been there two years as a student worker and 3 years as a full time employee. It was just time to show some appreciation.

What is frustrating is that where L works and how things are set up, the raise would have cost the company at large nothing. The raise would have been paid out the budget of his direct boss (which is one of the only sectors that actually makes money in the company) because they are set up like a private business within another business.

L is just so disappointed as well as is his boss and the upper level boss. The upper level boss is going to appeal it and talk to the VP next week... I am just so disappointed for him. He really wants to stay but at the amount he is getting now, even after he gets his degree raise in May, it's just not worth it. This increase is what was going to make it worth while in the end. I hope this appeal works. The another irritating consequence is that if L leaves his boss will likely have to hire someone at a higher salary rate then what L's final salary would have been (idiotic VP douche bag!)

We were also counting on that raise to help us save over the next couple months and to help us pay for part-time daycare costs once I go back to work, as we are still dependant on my check. Oy, vay...

With all that being said, Alison, reminded me of a thought that I had earlier today. Everything happens for a reason. I don't have to like it along the way but I need to learn to accept that life will unfold like it's supposed to. I need to learn to trust and focus on that thought right now.

Think, Think, Think...

I have been thinking a lot about the birth experience I want lately.

I realize that I have difficulty doing things differently from my family, particularly my sisters. I am a little enmeshed, I can say this about my self since I am a mental health therapist- we need to know our issues! Also, while hiring a doula has GREAT benefits and is a tax write-off (the one I would like to hire is going to be about $500.00) I can't seem to decide anymore if it's what I really want. There is this practical side of me that is kicking in and wondering if I should be spending $500.oo when we have some other expenses like our new baby... and of course the unexpected expense of the roof and basement (oh, and I think my hard drive might going). I realize that my comfort should not have a "price"- but doesn't everything?

Many of my previous thoughts have remained- I am very much afraid of going through childbirth. What is it exactly that I am afraid of is not quite clear. Maybe it's going through it without my mom physically present, perhaps it's fear of the pain (well, I know it's that), or the unknown. What has changed in my thought process that would have me wanting an epidural (due to a painful miscarriage I had) to wanting natural childbirth? Can the comfort that I am looking for or wanting really come from a doula? Is it the womanly presence of someone who has given birth what I need to feel safe? Someone who is female to tell me I can make it through? Is having a doula truly what I want or am I getting what I want crossed with what my sister waned and all my fears? Once I identify all my fears are they something I can face with the help of a therapist?

I asked my sister what the difference would have been without having a doula. She cited that there would have been a increase in all the worries that I have listed above- without any prompting from me. However, there is a big difference. My sister did not want any type of medical intervention- she was adamantly against it. While I on the other hand am not feeling that strongly against it. (See? There is that middle of the road, moderate personality again!) I am not completely opposed to an epidural but it's something I would like to postpone as long as possible if not avoid.

So I am realized I am going to have to dig deep this month and figure out what this is all about. I need to figure out what is going to give me the greatest comfort and to make sure that whatever I do it is because it's what I want. I just wish the practical side of me was a little quieter.

Well...

Shit.

We have a leak in our basement and in our roof. Talk about getting it from both ends.

Hope and Peace

I wanted to light these candles on this Christmas Eve as a prayer for everyone. No matter what God you pray to I hope that love is brought into your life this holiday season and that peace fills your new year.

Baking, Wrapping... And A Wrench

Baking and wrapping have pretty much summed up the last week for me. Super fun... not!

Well, some of it was fun as I got to try two new cookie recipes. Either way- the baking is done and the wrapping continues.

On a definite irritating note, after driving 1-1/2 hours one way to RE's office to get my b/w done and of course waiting another 20 minutes... the lab tech tells me the lab they used to send my LAD (my immune b/w) no longer does my test. Oh, and haven't found a new lab that does.

And there is my wrench.

Then And Now

***pregnancy mentioned***

Mr. Dr. Perinatologist man said on Friday that everything looks great! We have a normal healthy pregnancy- can you believe it?! I have been enjoying the excitement of hearing that news all weekend so in celebration I am going to share then and now pictures :)

Here is baby then (6w5d)... see the little speck in there? You can actually see a heartbeat in the picture! And Lil' P fits inside this whole picture but...
Here is Lil' P now (19w3d)... weighing in at 11oz. and can no longer fit completely inside the frame!

Due to all the medications I am on Mr. Dr. Peri said that we can come back at 32 weeks to check out the blood flow but there is no reason to worry at this point. The placenta is now placed about 1 in. above the opening of the cervix and no longer considered "low lying". During the appointment I turned to L and asked if he was sure that he didn't want to find out the sex of the baby. He looked at me and said, "Do you want it as your Christmas present?" And I said....

Wait for it...


"It's up to you."


Of course I was thinking yes!!! But I also know that this is really important to L and we had an agreement. So we didn't find out. It's still a surprise... wish we knew but still glad we don't. Just going to bask in the glow of this healthy baby for a while. Lil' P has been texting more lately although mostly when I am laying down.

One cool thing that we learned was that she (don't get excited when not using the name Lil' P I will use 'he' and 'she' interchangeably) has a full upper lip. Why is this worth noting you are wondering? Well I don't blame you asking, her lips are shaped like my husbands :) It's like Lil' P really does have our characteristics already. I know... 'duh!' but it's just still so amazing to me- we have actually managed to create another human being. Crazy cool...

I will now get off the cheese wagon for the day :)

Favorite Questions

Throughout my educational experience there were always questions that I found intriguing. Now some of the questions were and are lame but I think that it still tells a lot about who the person is.

1) "If you had to describe yourself as a drink what would it be a why?"

For me the answer was and remains Hot Chocolate. It comes in many different flavors like white chocolate, peppermint, mocha chocolate, and of course classic. You can add things to it too. For a little pick me up after a long day, add a shot of Amaretto (yum!) Feeling a little silly or happy? Sprinkle some marshmallows on top! Hot chocolate to me is something comforting that you can just sit with at the end of a long day- and just enjoy the silence. Or it can help perpetuate a silly mood. Perhaps you are feeling like a girl chat? I like to think that I can provide what the situation calls for- be it comfort, silliness, or relaxation.

2) "Can you remember a time when you were little and lost? Tell me about how you reacted and what you did?"

Personally, I can't remember a time when I was little and lost. However, putting myself in the mind fame of a 6 year old this is what I was able to up with. I would likely freak out and start walking through the store yelling for my mom. If that didn't work, I would go back to where I started because I would hope that my mom would look for me in the last place she saw me. Also, I remember my parents telling me that if you stay still in one place you are easier to find.

What I learned after answering the question was that it tells you how a person problem solves. It describes me perfectly. I go searching for immediate information and answers. If I try something and didn't get the result I wanted or was looking for, I go back to the start and hope that my answer comes to me.

In an effort to learn more about you, my readers and fellow bloggers, I ask that you please answer one or both of the above questions. If you have never posted here, or rarely post, please respond as I would love to hear about you for a change!

"Your Boobs Are Huge!!!"

"What? They are- they are right there! They are huge... are you planning on breastfeeding?"

This is said as I blankly stare, like a deer in headlights (no pun intended), at my supervisor. I look to the 2 co-workers and intern who are present and none of them can look at me in the face. Either from laughter or horror, I am not sure... wait... wait... It's definately laughter.

I can't believe she just said that to me- actually I can. Welcome to my office.

WTF?

Why do people feel it necessary to tell me about the awful heart wrenching stories of women who have lost their children in the second or third trimester? Or better yet- at delivery?

As if I don't know these horrific things can happen or have enough of my own anxiety to deal with.

WTF is wrong with these people???

I'm Coming Out and Introducing Lil' P

***pregnancy mentioned***

"I want the world to know, got to let it show"- Dianna Ross

Basically, since Thanksgiving I have been coming out to people about my pregnancy. I finally told my extended family and I openly admitted that I was pregnant to two co-workers, without anyone else outing me first. I have also accepted a handful of congratulations gracefully- without poo-pooing them.

I have been starting to show since Thanksgiving so it's been getting more difficult to hide it. Although, I believe that I am doing a pretty good job- at hiding it and being more comfortable with it. Although, truth be told, I don't really have to "hide" it anymore as it's getting cold here- that means thicker heavier clothes. I used to be very mindful of never putting my hand on my belly or rubbing it. Now, I allow myself to not only do this at home, but when I am out in public- but only if there isn't anyone I know around. I promise, I am working on it!

Several weeks ago, Leah from My Dusty Ovaries, pointed out that I was 14 weeks pregnant. I was impressed that she knew how far along I was- it was the fact that she knew at all. I have made a point to never mention how far along I am for two reasons. 1) I was and still am feeling a little superstitious. 2) When going through all of my pregnancies and other people would mention that they were pregnant, I could figure out how far ahead or behind me they were. Therefore, every time I miscarried and I read that persons blog or information, I knew how far long I should be. It made it difficult for me keep up with them and well... it was just painful. So I tried to not bestow that information to others who may be reading.

With all that being said, I have decided to come to you, my fellow bloggers and readers. Not because I want to be vengeful, but because I feel like it's time to start celebrating this pregnancy a little more. When I tell people, I have found that my excitement grows a little bit, as well as my anxiety, but I am choosing to focus more on the excitement part. So here it goes... I am 18-1/2 weeks pregnant. There, I said it. And for the first time here, I am willing to gracefully accept congratulations, if they are offered.

Also, I have decided to name the baby Perseverance, or Lil' P. I do believe that this baby is here because of the perseverance of L and I. We lost faith many times, almost gave up several times, and always questioned what we were doing every time we started a new cycle. We thought surely our family thinks we are crazy- but somehow my instinct always said I was meant to be a mom. I had a very vivid dream once where I was pregnant and could feel the baby move- so I tried to remember that during all my questioning and doubting. So we continued down this insane road by choice- and here we are.

So today I am coming out and introducing Lil' P to you. I also felt Lil' P move the other day- so that was very strange and very cool. Although, he has sent no emails or texts to me lately I am told that is not unusual. I hope that he texts again soon :)

Blog You Very Much

JJ, at Reproductive Jeans, brought up yet another good point. Saying thanks to the person who inspired you to start blogging.

When I started blogging, it was shortly after my 5th loss. I started looking through the blogsphere and found that there were a lot of women, and some men, who were writing and talking about their experiences in the world of infertility. The humor mixed with sincerity is what caught my attention. They made me laugh when I needed it the most.

After reading for a couple of days I decided that it was something that I would like to try. It seemed like such a great outlet. It brought me back to the days when I was young and would use poems and story telling to help me cope with experiences. I also loved that you could be creative with the colors of the template, font styles, and add pictures. It seemed like such a creative process. I had been missing that from my life for so long. It didn't seem to matter if anyone read or not- it was and is about a space where I can just be me.

The two that inspired me (drum roll please)- Leah at My Dusty Ovaries and Mel at the Stirrup Queens. The humor and the honesty they use in conjunction with their own writing style well... I just loved it!

Now you may not be thankful that they inspired me start a blog but I am. I am finally in place where I can be just me all the time woo hoo! Lucky you- I know!

**And thanks to JJ because this is the first time that I have attached a picture where it worked!!**

Now Tainted

There are a groups of people that I have chatted with over the past two years, during this RPL journey, who have been there for me. There is one group in particular that I have gone to that has helped me deal with all my losses. They have given support, encouragement, hope, and information- I can't say enough about these women. I am always inspired by their strength. Many still keep in contact with me despite my being pregnant- they are able to find real joy for me and for that I am grateful.

It's a drop in type situation, an open meeting, people come with questions, frustrations, support... whatever that person happens to need, as a whole, we try to provide. I have always felt that it was a safe place for me to express my emotions. No matter the issue I was facing- I always felt understood. There has been another woman there who attends enough that we all know her and her story. She has had a total of 9 miscarriages and 3 living children. She recently gave birth so she had not been coming as of late.

Recently, she announced that she was pregnant again and was UPSET about it. As in not really sure that she wanted the baby because it would be so close in age to her last child. This upset me a lot. I was shocked then angry and irritated. It felt as though someone had slapped me in the face. I didn't understand how she could come to a group of women, who have struggled for so long, many of us wondering we could even have a family, and tell them she didn't really want her baby. Didn't she realize the group of people she was talking to?

Unfortunately, she has miscarried this child which is always sad. She has said as much but is sad because the baby would never have a life and never do the things that all children learn to do. She also felt relief as she was planning on giving the child up for adoption. Again, why would she say this to us? Us, the RPL survivors, who were and are still tying to have children?

I can see how it would be very distressing to be pregnant with a child so young along with two older toddlers. I can't begin to imagine the pressure- coping with a newborn and being pregnant. Wow... scary. It comforts me to know that she would have given this baby up for adoption as she felt she could not properly care for him or her. To give a child to another hopeful loving family is an incredible gift. I recognize the amount of strength it would take to do that.

It's not that I am upset about how she felt. As I have said, I can see her point of view- I am upset that she said this to our group. I feel as though she has taken a safe place for us and has tainted it somehow. I am glad that she feels like she can lean on us for support but why would she say all these things to our group?

I wasn't able to say anything at first because I was so shocked and then I was just mad. Since she has miscarried- all I can think of is that I am sorry she is having such a range of emotions as miscarriage is still emotionally difficult. However, I am struggling to find sympathy and empathy.

I just don't know what to say. Or how I feel about all of this- I am sad for her and the situation but I am mad for us, or maybe just me, who have to hear her story.