Let Me Catch My Breath

So I have posted here before about the loss of my mom, which will be 3 years in November.

Now, for a minute, I want to reflect on my current situation. I am about to give birth to my first, and possibly, only child. I cannot begin to explain the amount of different emotions this alone brings up for me. Sadness, that I cannot share this experience physically with her. Comfort, in knowing that that she is with me despite our different existences. Jealousy, at knowing that this child will have first hand knowledge of only his paternal grandmother. Hurt, that we will only have pictures of her holding Lil' P and none of my mom. These are just the emotional issues I can come up with off the top of my head.

Now, rewind to approximately to 1-1/2 months ago. My dad decided create a profile for a dating website. I was kind of prepared for this- I know how much he misses the companionship of my mom. He's just lonely and I hate that for him. So when he told my sisters and I about this website we were a little taken back but supportive. In the end we want our dad to be happy, really we do.

My dad said he wasn't doing anything, just seeing who was out there. Wanting to make new connections with people. Exploring. He said that he wouldn't bring anyone around to meet the family unless it was someone who he thought was special. Dad said he wouldn't be with anyone the family didn't like. So I was thinking alright, maybe in a couple of months he will start to see someone... blah, blah, blah. We are all young enough to remember dating and how it all worked. I have time to continue to adjust...

Well, last weekend he went to meet a woman. Alright. I will deal with that. He is meeting her at a place that is not invading my personal space right now. I am still working on adjusting to all this. He had a nice time, she's a nice lady, we like each other... blah, blah, blah. I was and am genuinely glad he had a nice time. THEN...

he comes over for dinner the other night and starts talking about getting remarried and what he will want to leave to his next wife in his will "Well, I can't just leave her out in the cold". Now all I can think is, "Can we please slow down??? You have spent what, 3 days with this chick? You don't know her at all!" I start worrying about this woman, who I don't even know, coming and taking all the money my mom and dad worked so hard to save. I see my mother looking at my father in her 'I can't believe I am hearing this' stance. I tell myself to relax, not to get all worked up because we all know how the dating process works, they aren't just going to jump into marriage. I mean he could just be talking to hear himself talk, right? We haven't even met this women yet. THEN...

he tells me that she might be coming for the weekend. I remind him quietly that we were celebrating my sister, E's birthday, at dinner (we are celebrating mine too although it was a month ago) this upcoming weekend. He says, "Well, what? You don't want her there?" I felt like a deer trapped in headlights. One, no I really don't want her at mine and my sister's birthday dinner. Who would want to meet their possible father's future girlfriend/wife at their birthday dinner I ask you- for the first time? Second, I am not really ready to meet this woman. They have known each other... 2 weeks? And met once? And she is already "special"? Third, I am obviously very pregnant. Not only do I not want to talk about my pregnancy with this woman, God forbid, what if I give birth while she's here??? (I think I may be experiencing prodromal labor but that's another story- focus!) I don't want her at the hospital. I panicked and pawned the decision off on my sister and just said, "Well you should ask E then because it's her b-day dinner". THEN...

I come home today and L says, "I am not trying to send you into labor but Hussie (that's what L and I call her) is coming this weekend". So I start thinking that we can at least move the dinner to Sunday 'cause that is when she is likely to leave, right? So I ask my dad how long Hussie is staying while she is in town. His response you ask??? "We don't know".

I realize this woman could be very nice. She could be a very upstanding person. She could be the long lost twin sister of my mother. I am not ready to meet this woman and I being forced into something I don't want. While I know this is not about me I am making it about me right now. I want my dad to be happy, he deserves it.

There are just too many emotions right now and my hormones and I can't take this. Can't we just slow down for a minute so I can catch my breath? Please?

My New Superhero Power

The superhero power I always wanted (for forever) was to be able to make any meal I wanted from anywhere that I wanted in the blink of an eye (I am sure this gives you some insight into my personality).

I thought of another one today that would be pretty cool...

Any type of uniform you put on or if you use an object that is associated with a certain profession you would instantly have complete knowledge of that particular career. So if you put on a dr's coat- you can give medical treatment. Want to put that tool belt on? Now you are a carpenter. Want to be a nuclear scientist? Make sure you find the right lab coat! I think that would be a pretty cool power. Think of all the money you could save and the people you could help :)

Want to chime in about the superhero power you would like????

It's All Good... For Now

*** Pregnancy Mentioned***

I know I don't always forewarn people when I am going to talk about my pregnancy or pregnancy related things- sorry, I am trying to be better about it!

So my appt. on Friday was very uneventful (yay!) I got to see my ob and we spoke a little about what happened at the last appt. She measured my belly and said I was measuring 37w- which is good because I was 36w4d at the time.

I did end up doing a quick u/s because she couldn't tell if Lil' P's head was still down. It was and she said the placenta looked nice and healthy. She said that while I had extra fluid and a good size baby she was not worried about anything. She agreed to let me start the Herapin shots at the start of 38w (boo for 2 shots a day!). However, I did have the ever so humbling experience of the Group B Strep test. It brought back all the warm fuzzy feelings of the RE's office, who knew how much I missed dropping my pants!

She did offer to "check me" but I declined- I told her it would just make me more anxious. Quite frankly I don't want to worry about something happening until I have everything at work wrapped up. Better to get a surprise if Lil' P decides to show early!

She did say that she was impressed at how well my body was handling the pregnancy. She said I have had very little swelling, the appropriate weight gain, and only slight bruising from the Lovenox shots. It sounds so vain- but it made me feel good (as if I have something to do with it)...

The Showers Are Over

I had my baby showers over the last 2 to 3 weeks. They were all very nice and I enjoyed them all. Now L's office is having one for us next week. While it's really very sweet, we don't don't expect more than 4 people there, as L likes to keep a low profile :)

I will admit this here (but will deny it IRL)- I made myself sick by eating so much at my first shower (seriously, how old am I??)

While we did not get a lot of things off our registry, we still got things that we could use. Now we are just reassessing the list to decide what things that we need to get. My in-laws got us our changing table, my sister in-law purchased us our car seat, and my sisters are going to help us purchase our stroller. Needless to say, we feel very blessed with our family and friends generosity.

I added the picture because it reminds me of ALL the food I ate- and I have a thing for cake lately...

*******

Thanks to all who posted positive thoughts and stories for me. It truly made me feel better. Lil' P and I had a talk and I explained the importance of staying in-utero for at least couple more weeks (we went over the pros and cons list). I did tell him that I will trust his judgement so if things become too scary or risky in there he is welcome to arrive. So far, it appears he has listened as he is actually a little higher :) Thanks again everyone!

Holy Cow!!!!

Ummm... the baby has dropped.

This isn't really a comforting thing to me as we are so, so, so, soooooo not ready.

I wasn't going on maternity leave until May 1.

We just ordered our changing table.

Did I mention we are not ready?

We just got our baby bedding.

There are no clothes washed.

We are having our hospital tour today.

I have three major outstanding projects at work.

Have I told you that we are not ready for baby to arrive?

I haven't even had a chance yet to post about my two showers for crying out loud! Let alone start the thank you cards!!!!

I have read that for first time mom's they notice that the baby drops/ engages 1-2w prior to labor- although sometimes longer. While I realize that this is not about us but we just aren't ready...

Does anyone know of anyone where it has been on the longer side?? Could you tell me some positive stories??? Please?

Ships... great big ships... (quick- what movie is that line from???)

Nice Reframe

So I came home tonight and said to L, "If one more person says, 'Oh, my God! You are getting SO BIG!' or 'I can't believe you still have 5 weeks left! You are going to have this baby by the end of April!' I am going to slap 'em".

L's response- "People are just so used to seeing you all little, skinny, and small... they just can't get over the way you look with a healthy baby".

Nice way to reframe things L... nice :)

Let Me Clarify

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

Thanks for all the positive thoughts and well wishes. I have since calmed down and have been able to take a breath.

I spoke with the doula and she was able to give me some information and talk to me a little about my options and choices. She told me she had never heard of any one being concerned about having too much amniotic fluid- usually the concern is too little. However, she did send me some articles on amniotic fluid levels and giving birth to large babies. It had a lot of straight forward info in there so it was some good reading. It did discuss some concerns that could arise if certain things happend.

This has led me to think that maybe that was why the ob was avague with me. Since she is not my regular ob she dosen't know that not providing information is what causes my anxiety!!

L and I spoke about what the ob said and I shared the info from our doula. We are on the same page- if Lil' P is happy and healthy and he is not showing any sign of distress then there is no reason to change our course. If they recommend another u/s we will go to appease "the white coats". He reminded me of what our doula said- that sometimes we will have to pick our battles and there isn't a lot to lose by going in for another u/s if that's what they recommend.

I didn't mean to sound in my last post like I wouldn't want an induction no matter what. I just don't feel like having a large baby is a legitimate reason to induce- for me and my situation. Of course I would induce or have a c- section if he was showing signs of distress, I would say bring it on!!! It would then be a matter of which is going to have the fewest complications.

The good thing that has happend is out of this is that I have gotten a lot of "good" induction stories which was a nice change! I always hear about the bad ones (ever notice how everyone wants to tell you the horrible birth stories and not the good ones when you are pregnant??)!

Just wanted to give my most recent thoughts about the situation and tell everyone thanks for the input :) We will see what comes next week...

Lil' P's Progress

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So L and I went to the peri last week, I was 33 weeks then. Overall, things looked good and Lil' P is healthy. Very healthy- this is where the cause for concern is coming in. The peri told us that the she is measuring 1w2d ahead of schedule and weighing in at 5lbs. and 2 oz. This would place her in the 58th percentile. He also said I had a little more amniotic fluid than the average women.

He wasn't worried as all my tests have come back fine. I have since attempted to start eating a little better as more fluid can be an indication of gestational diabetes. I have been tested twice and passed both times but since I responded to the Metformin I thought it prudent to start keeping a better eye on what I eat (not how much). He also explained that he would not be changing in my due date and there was no need to make another appointment.

What makes me nervous is what happened at my ob's office today. I was seeing one of dr's (it's a large practice) and she was taking the fundal measurement (aka- measuring my belly with a tape measure) and said, "Wow... you are measuring 3 weeks ahead". Now admittedly, this ob said that she was not concerned as I had just had a u/s the previous week and the fundal measurement can be off for many reasons.

However, she also said that if I am still measuring large (which they consider to be 3 weeks or more) they will want to send me back to the peri for another u/s. When I asked what they anticipated to learn she said how big the baby is and the level of amniotic fluid. If Lil' P was large and there was more amniotic fluid that my regular ob may talk to me about induction.

Yikes!!! I do not want an induction!

I know enough to know that a u/s can be off, one way or another by a 1lb or more. I know that I can refuse to have the u/s. I really do believe that a women's body can give birth to a big baby- no matter how small she may be (isn't that why our pelvis is in 3 parts and the baby's head is not yet fused together?). I also believe that babies come when they are ready- not when we are. I don't think nature screws up a lot in this area.

I am afraid that I will get a lot of pressure to have this baby early if I agree to have this u/s. I am also afraid to not have the u/s because what if the baby is doing poorly and I don't know it? I know that I may be getting myself worked up for nothing- maybe things will resolve in the next two weeks. Anything could happen right? In the meantime, I will be making a call to my doula asking her about these things. Gotta love the doula :)

Cheers, To My New Friend!

Why, Hello Baby!

***Pregnany Mentioned***

These are the 4D u/s pics that we had taken at week 28-29. Sorry it took me so long to post these!

There really is a baby in there- it's not just bad gas!

Countdown And Hormonal Ramblings

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So begins the countdown to D-Day, or, the so-called due date. It's hard to believe that I am 32 weeks- about 8 weeks left. I still feel like I am living some else's life, that this isn't really "my" baby. I wonder when that feeling goes away. Is when I have my first shower? When labor starts? The first time I try to nurse? Or when the three of us leave the hospital? When does this start to feel less surreal?

One question that I get asked all the time is, "When is the baby due?" I always say early May- due date be damned. Knowing the chemical make up of this child is mine and my husbands, I am quite sure that this child has plans of their own! I also always get asked, "Have you thought about...? Are you going to... ? What about... ?" It really taps into my anxiety because I don't know despite my being a planner by nature. Every child is different and will respond to certain things differently. Sometimes I just want to shout, "This is hard enough, back off!" I have ideas but I don't know if they are going to work... What if Lil' P hates everything thing I try? Sigh... I wish people would say, "All children are different and you'll figure it out- everyone makes it up as they go along." How I wish my mom were physically here...

There are still so many things left to do- little projects I am trying to complete while trying to take as much work as I possibly can. (Thank goodness work has picked up slightly but I won't reap any benefits until mid- April. We will have to hang tight until then.) L just laughs at me and tells me I am nesting. Maybe I am but I can't believe how many little things I have put off because I felt like I had all this time to do them.

Hmmm... perhaps I am feeling a little hormonal today??? (I think I have teared up 3 times while writing this post- geez, get a grip!) As exciting as this is I find myself asking the age old questions that I think all first time mom's ask... am I going to be a good mother, am I going to secretly hate it, and how many times am I going to screw up?

Things To Appreciate

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So during the journey to this pregnancy there were many times when I thought I should appreciate the things that I could do. So here was the list that I would try to focus on:

1. Sitting quietly on the couch working on my cross stitch.
2. Making my favorite lunch (in case you are wondering- it's a tuna sandwich with bread and butter pickles, chips, and a coke- hey, it's tasty to me!) and sitting down for the afternoon to read my new book because I was able to...
3. Hop in the car to go to Star.buck's, B.arnes & N.obel, or Tar.get anytime I wanted.
4. Having a phone conversation completely void of interruption.
5. Eating my chocolaty treat without having to hide or share it.

Since becoming pregnant, more large, and awkward I would like to make a list of things that were under appreciated while I was waiting to get here. Now please know that I wouldn't trade where I am for the world- I realize my gift. However, these are just several things that were undervalued when I had the opportunity to fully enjoy them...

6. Sleeping on my stomach.
7. Sleeping without having to get up and use the bathroom 3 times a night.
8. Having a dreamless, heavy sleep.
9. Being able to find a comfortable position to lay in and sleep in all night.
(Noticing a theme?)
10. Being able to have s*x with my husband and feeling attractive at the same time.
11. Being able to sit up using my stomach muscles.
12. Appreciating my body for what it was pre-pregnancy instead of complaining about it ('Cause the stretch marks and the fat around knees are starting to make me see it will never be the same, and really, was it so bad before?)
13. Being able to bend and cut my own toenails.
14. Being able to eat without having to worry about dropping something on my stomach.
15. Being able to cross my legs.

Do you have a list of things that you try to appreciate while waiting to finish your journey?

Surreal

***pregnancy mentioned***

My name was on the marquee! It was up there in lights!

Alright, that's exaggerating a bit- well a lot- but that is what it felt like. The other night I received an evite to my very own baby shower. I can't help myself from looking at it a couple of times a day. I just keep thinking, "Wow, that's me... the invitation is talking about me. Me and my baby." Sounds weird to say that about an invitation and not the act of registering.

There are still times when I wonder if I am really going to have this baby. You know like, "Are we really going to get a dog?" or "Are we really going to backpack across Europe?" These are things that you talk about but do they really happen?

I have to say overall it really does look like we will have a baby come May. Then doubt and worry start to kick in. I have been worried lately that maybe we shouldn't have stopped the IVIg treatments. Despite Lil' P seeming to move more than ever and she (remember I use "he" ans "she" interchangeably!) woke me up several times last night. I know that it's all just fear but it still all seems so surreal to me. So surely the rug will be pulled out form under me if my expectations are too high.

As for the other part of my life that isn't nearly as surreal- figuring out how we are going to make things work financially once the baby is here. Things are tight right now and since my work is really, really slow things just got a lot tighter. What are we going to do when this happens and the baby is here??? I am trying to remind myself that there is still plenty of time to figure it out and make adjustments. Perhaps my new mantra should be "God would not give us anything that we couldn't handle" as this is the phrase I have been repeating to myself these past two weeks.

Ugh, if only I could have won the lottery two nights ago. That would have made everything surreal- in a good way.

Been MIA

Sorry I have been MIA- my computer got sick and is still being worked on so internet access is limited for me!

I am hoping to catch up with everyone by the end of next week! Hope all is well :)

One Eww and $7.00 Later

So you ever try something new only to be completely disappointed?

That's what happened to me today. I went to Star.bucks wanting a Decaf Mocha Frapp.uccino. However, since they never ever sell them you have to wait 15 minutes to get one. Last time I was in they suggested an iced Cafe Mocha. I declined that day because who wants to be disappointed? So I got my traditional Cafe Mocha instead (it was chilly outside that day.)

No matter the weather conditions lately a frappuccino just sounds tastier. However, it also has caffine in it so I prefer getting the decaf. So this leaves me in a bind of sorts.

Well, today I went in and ordered an decaf Iced Mocha (I threw caution to the wind). Can you say, "Eww!"? Why would this replace a decaf Mocha Frappucinno???? I took one sip while walking down the sidewalk and said "Ewww...". I then took another one just to make sure and said, "Yup, still sick" and threw it away. Then had to go to a different Starbuck's across town because I couldn't walk back into the other one and order another drink (I was too embarrassed) and I had a nasty taste in my mouth.

To throwing caution to the wind... I say, "Screw you!"

Wish

Some days I wish I were my dog. He just seems so carefree and happy. If I were my dog, people could just let outside to play on a nice day. Then I would investgate the outside by sniffing around and I would take a little snooze in sun on the back porch to rest my poor tired paws.

To top off my day, I would have a nice leisurely walk outside, only to come home to someone else who would give me a nice scratch and be given a tasty treat.

I wish I were my dog.

Huh

***pregnancy mentioned***

It was a nice afternoon, about 60 degrees outside so there was no need for a jacket.

As I was walking into Moe's for lunch (I got the Ruprict incase you are wondering) I opened the door and, quite suddenly, me and my belly felt very exposed... very vunerable. I tried to put my hand over my growing belly to try and conceal it (but that was like trying to cover up the huge pimple that was in the middle of my forehead before the 8th grade dance- impossible).

I think that it's odd that I still feel anxious when others might realize I am pregnant and ask questions. That there are still times, even at 27 weeks, when I still feel the need and urge to hide my pregnancy.

Hang Tough NKOTB

I know it's wrong on several different levels but... NKOTB rules!

My favorite was always Jon- the older wiser man of the group :) Who was yours???? Admit it, you know you had a favorite!

Updates and Such

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

So we had our first birthing class on Saturday. I think that it will give us a lot of information, which is something that always makes me feel better. The teacher of the class was one of the two doulas I considered. Teach, the one teaching the class, and the other we'll call M, because I can't think of anything creative right now.

L thought that Teach was rather bossy and told me that he felt intimidated by her. Which I thought was funny. She's been in the birthing business for over 20 years, I thought she was just confident and had her definite opinions. I can't help but wonder if L felt that she was "bossy" because she was a women. He did agree with me that we would get a lot of good information out of the class.

Which brings me to the next little update. I have thought about it a lot over the last month and I have realized that what I want is my mom physically present at the birth. That isn't going to happen although I know she will be there in spirit. I am wanting something a little more concrete (nothing personal mom!) The next best thing is a doula. Someone to help us at home, help at the hospital, help us stay calm and focused. To make sure we are calling as many shots as possible (it is my body) and to make sure we aren't getting bowled over by doctors. So during our drive to the birthing class I explained all this to L. He told me still understood why I would want another women there, that I have good intuition, he does not believe that it would be selfish of me to spend money on a doula, and he is happy with whatever I want.

I thought about it more during class and about what L said. My very first instinct was was to have a doula and I think that it's important I feel as supported as possible. So I have emailed the doula I wanted, M, and am hoping that she is still available. As soon as I made that decision, I could feel a large portion of my anxiety ease. And I don't feel as intimidated anymore or like I have to be "so" prepared. That last statement makes me sound a little neurotic, yikes!

I think that L is even more comfortable with having a doula because in the class there was a lot of talk about higher rates of post-partum depression among women who were unhappy with their birth experiences. I think that made L take notice. I told L that M is a younger that Teach, she felt a little more laid back to me and that I really liked the way she answered my questions (it was the reason I interviewed her in person) He said that he would like someone who is younger- like she would be a little more on our level. I agree that M is more our style of person so I am hoping that this will work out.

The only other info I really have to offer on the baby front is that I finally started a registry. It was crazy strange but I have. I am glad I started it online because I became overwhelmed (I had flash back of registering when I was getting married- ugh!) I have been doing some research on certain products but- it was nothing like having to really make a decision. Anyway, I plan on finishing some more up in the store next weekend as one of good friends, who is about to be a second time mom, is going to come with me. She wants to see all the new stuff and I want someone there to say, "You don't want that one because... try this one instead".

Sorry it takes so long for me to post these days but with L gone all the time I am trying to take care of everything myself. Then I am trying to work as much as possible while I have the energy so we can save some cash. I do check the blogs all the time I just may not comment! Hope all you lovelies can forgive me :)

Apology

I feel like I owe you an apology for my post on Monday. I was so distraught and upset I didn't know what else to do. Later that day I realized how upsetting that post could be to some people if not forewarned. I meant to come back and edit it but- time got away from me.

I know that we live in the world of IF and in turn this means we see many things. Late losses are a part of that. So while I know that we are all aware of the possibility, and that it does exists, I doesn't mean that we want to be reminded of that. I know that there have been times when I just wasn't able to muster up the energy to read about a loss or when I just didn't need to be reminded of it.

With that said, LeLe is doing as well as can be expected and I know that she is grateful for any prayers and positive energy that people have sent. I truly thank you for your support of her.

I appreciate your patience with me and do apologize if caught some of you off guard.