Happy Thanksgiving

I hope that everyone has safe travels and a wonderful, peaceful holiday!

Poor Posting Week

Sorry I have not commenting on everyones blog like I usually do (or posting on mine). It's been crazy this week for the following reasons---

- I finally have a work project. Not a big one but I will take it. It means money- Yay!
- My sister hurt her back and I have been trying to help her out.
- Lil' P has NOT been sleeping well at all.
- It seems like he is sick every other day, so we are at the doctors office every other day.
- I am helping one of my friends look for jobs here as she, and her family of 4, are possibly relocating.
- And of course I am trying to read the 4th book of the Twli.ght series.

That about all- and I hope all is well in your world!!

Team Jacob

So I have been reading the book series Tw.light. I know, I know-- it's for teens! But after several recommendations from friends and family I finally caved. I will try not to go into too much detail as there could be someone out there who is still waiting to finish the series. Hell, I still haven't started the 4th book! But I will have to describe some of what is going on-- so be forewarned there is a spoiler ahead!

While sad, the turn of events is this series truly does keep me up at night. I actually dream about. (Yes, I realize that I am a little over zealous!)
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The main character, Bel.la, has found herself in love triangle.

Edwar.d is her first love. The first person she ever really gave herself too. It's full of passion and excitement-- drama. She is mesmerized by his smile, his laugh. She is incomplete without him. She is consumed by his mere presence.

Then you have J.acob. Solid, kind, warm, and easy to be with. Safe. There is drama within their relationship but it pales in comparison. At one point in the book she describes him as her "sun... who fills the holes in my [her] life."

Now---

Aren't all first loves completely consuming? Aren't they all filled with drama? Isn't the drama what gives the couple the passion? I mean, I know mine was. I was so in love with my first real boyfriend. I would have given just about anything to be back with him after we broke up. I felt completely lost without him. This went on for about two years. I realize that there is still a part of me that still loves him. That always will.

Then I found L. L and I defiantly had drama in our relationship at first (and still do at times) but there was still so much more. We were able to grow together-- find balance within our relationship. My infatuation, I guess ours, turned to something deeper. I feel like we are the package that I always talked about wanting. Safe. Solid. L would have to do something very dramatic in order to lose me, and vice versa- but let's not go there.

Here is what my problem is--- I cannot, for the life of me, figure out why she would choose Edward. Why? I find myself wanting pull her out of the book, slap her, and give her reality check. How is she willing to throw away the comfort and safety of someone she loves, Jacob? Someone she can trust? Someone who has never left her? How can she sign herself up for an eternity of drama? Why is she so willing to leave her friends and parents, her loved ones, behind? She has no idea what is in store for Edward. No idea what could happen to him, when/if he could be killed. And she could be left with an eternity to cope the aftermath. Why would you sign up for something like that???

I. Just. Don't. Get. It.

A Friendship Changed

I felt I would share my experience after reading about Mel's Bad Breakup.

I had a friendship change with one simple comment. We are still friends but she has no idea that she changed our friendship forever one night. If you have read my blog recently you know that I lost my mom and my first pregnancy within days of each other.

My friend and I had met at summer camp when we were 9-- so at the time we had been friends for about 16 years. She was my maid-of-honor at my wedding and we had seen each other through much over the years. Looking back, I know her comment was more about where she was in her life but it doesn't change what happened.

I had just made the 8 hour trip back to my parents house after finding out that I was likely going to miscarry and found that my mom had stopped talking and opening her eyes while I was gone. I called her because I was a wreck, bawling my eyes out. I needed a voice of comfort, someone who I thought would just love me and listen- someone who wasn't consumed in their own grief. I will never forget her response as I choked out between sobs what had happened.

She said, "How can you be surprised with all the stress you have been under?"

My trust in her was broken in that instant and things changed forever.

Your Title

So I was wondering how you came up with the title of your blog. Did you ponder it for days or did it just come to you? Was it an epiphany-- an "ah-ha!" moment? Or did you know the moment you started typing?

Mine was pretty straight forward---

I decided I wanted to start a blog because I needed to get out my emotions somehow while still being a little creative. I started to think about fertility and how I once heard a friend say it was "easy to become a mom"--- I thought "Ha! What a load of crap!"

While accurate, I didn't think that was the best blog title so here you have it--- Motherhood (the not so easy road)

Honoring Mom

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of my mom's death.

Often, when I think of my mom, I remember a lilac bush that we had in front of our house growing up. We would open our windows when the weather warmed- and if the breeze was just right the scent of the lilacs would pour into our house. It always made her smile...

It's hard for me to be a mom without a mom. There are so many questions I want answered. So many days when I just cry from not knowing what to do and wishing she was just a phone call away. I valued our friendship and trust deeply-- we were so much alike.

God, how I miss her.

I pray that she can feel my love all the way in heaven, especially today.

In Line for My Rainbow

I am really not a pessimist-- though I suspect many of you think I am. I am just very honest about how I feel and think. I understand my reality quite well and it took me two years to accept it.

I have officially started to miscarry today as I suspected I would. And I am just very, very sad.

The loss of this little baby will leave a little mark on my heart along with his or her brothers and sisters. I guess once an RPL'er always an RPL'er.

I wrote this post not long ago. In it I spoke about how if you have a problem you are in line for a miracle. Does wanting another child still make me in line for one? Is wanting a miracle twice, maybe even three times, too much to ask for one couple- one family- one lifetime? Does it make me selfish? I don't know. But I hope that God still considers me in line.

The pain and sadness is just as deep as it ever was but the depth of anxiety and fear that was ever present in my previous losses has disappeared. The wondering if I will ever feel a baby move or hold a child, well, it's gone-- I am blessed with my little boy. My sweet Lil' P. And if our son is the only earth bound child we ever have, while L and I will be deeply sad, we will know how blessed we are-- and we will be okay.

There are two things I have learned throughout my short experience of life- it's that love knows no time or distance. And my family of nine -nine!- knows how much I love each of them.

And that in order to see a rainbow the rain must have already passed you by.

Childhood Story

In fairness, since I am sharing my story-- I think that you should post yours on your blog and leave a link so we can all read too! Come on- it'll be fun!!
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So there is a story about me when I was growing up that my family just loooooves to tell. (I always picture my mom trying so hard not to hysterically laugh when I think of this story---)

Picture it, Michigan, 1982, summertime. A little girl sits on her family's back porch and just cries and cries as her mother and sisters bury the family bird Sunshine (he was yellow). After the burial, the little girl just continues to sob.

The mother, thinks "I had no idea she was so attached to that bird..." So she sits down next to weeping girl hoping to find some words of comfort. After a few minutes the mother begins to talk quietly and attempts to engage her in some conversation. The truth of the tears is soon revealed--

The little girl is crying because the boxed used for the burial was the one her new shoes had come in-- and believes the family buried her shoes along with the bird.

(In my defense, those shoes were totally kickin'!!! They were cute white patent shoes, you know the shiny kind with the silver buckle?? You would have cried too.... hmph!)

A Not So Happy Halloween For This Cat

This is one pissed off kitty---

Gifts

Thank you again for all the support you have offered- you all are so sweet and kind. It's nice to have so many people holding my hand through this.

I thought that I would have a check in and share some things that I have been thinking about.

As far a symptoms- I don't have many. There are times when I have food aversions but it comes and goes. I only have waves of nausea and it seems to occur about 8pm and sometimes when I am up feeding Lil' P at 2am. However, I am not sure if that is because I have started to take my Metformin in the afternoon. (Does anyone have any idea when it starts to take effect???) More often, I have days where I feel like food is just sitting at the top of my throat (although I don't really think that's a symptom). Other than that I have breast tenderness that sometimes keeps me from falling asleep.

I am not feeling very confident about this pregnancy. I know that all pregnancies are different but this one reminds me more of the ones where I have miscarried than of Lil' P's. I feel like every symptom I have can be logically explained. And it just makes me sad. I feel sad for what could be. Hope still lingers but I also know my reality.

As I was re-reading people's comments I thought about how grateful I was that no one offered the "C" word. I think that most people would think that it's strange- I think it's a little strange. It got me thinking...

Congratulations are given and said to people when exciting things are going to happen. Such as people getting married or newly married, a new job, a promotion, a new car, a new home or apartment, and of course having a baby on the way. These are the wonderful, exciting things-- these things bring hope and joy. A reason for celebration.

I remember still being excited when I was pregnant the second time. I thought, "After everything I have been through, surely God wouldn't do this to me a second time." We were hopeful and excited- even told family and some friends. People offered their congratulations-- and it was heartbreaking to have to tell these same people that there was nothing to be celebrated anymore. There was no new baby coming. Again. Much like Pavlov's theory-- the word soon had a negative association instead of a positive one.

So when I hear, "Congratulations!", it assumes that something good and joyful is going to happen-- and that is just not my life. It's not my history.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that pregnancy to me, to many, is a beautiful, precious gift. It's a gift that I gladly accept and protect to the best of ability no matter how narrow of a scope that is--- but I also know it is not always a gift I get to open.

Two Worlds Collide

Guarded

Thank you to all who posted-- I had no idea that so many people stopped by my blog or maybe there were some first timers in there (not that it matters). All the warmth and positive energy you sent warmed my heart. Thank you.

Guarded is the best word to describe how I am emotionally right now.

Before I tell you what my number was I want to tell you briefly about my first pregnancy. The one that started my RPL rollercoaster. When I got a positive pregnancy test and called the doctor, like many of us do, they took my hcg level twice. It went up like it should. I had fading symptoms but still had them.

At 10 weeks, 5 days after my dad called and said they were putting my mom in hospice, I was to have my first u/s. I left my mom's side to go and before leaving I told her I would bring her back a picture of our baby, her second grandchild.

When I looked at the u/s screen it was heartbreaking. Gut wrenching, tear my heart out through my throat, pour acid into my eyes painful. The u/s screen was empty. Just empty- no sac, no anything. N.o.t.h.i.n.g. The doctor thought that I had gotten my dates wrong- in fact he insisted I got my dates wrong. I knew better though. He further insisted that I get another hcg level done- it was over 27,000. My mom died November 7th. Three days later my numbers plummeted, the cramping began, and my miscarriage started. My world just fell apart, crumbled-- and I was helpless.

This is why I am guarded-- I have been here before. In this very place with similar symptoms and all.

My hcg number went from 43 to 140 in 48 hours.

My doctor scheduled my u/s in two weeks-- Nov. 7th 8:30 am.

Corpus Luteum

I debated. And then I debated some more. Then I decided not to. Then I decided I would. Then I decided I wouldn't. Buuuut, then again, maybe I should.

Finally, I decided that I wanted my blog to be about honesty. Despite my not wanting my IRL friends to know-- because I am just not ready-- my desire to be honest won out. So here is this post.
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Corpus Leuteum??? Is it a suburb of Corpus Christie? Or a small town just north of it? No. No, my friends. It is not.

Corpus Luteum. Funny word when you say it. In the world of fertility, it's the follicle that produces progesterone when a women ovulates. This same crater-esk follicle continues to produce progesterone during pregnancy until the placenta can take over which occurs around 10-11 weeks.

Now, just about any RE will tell you they like the progesterone level over 20 when a woman is pregnant. Especially, a reproductively challenged woman. Some even speculate that progesterone levels are affected by eating and should only be taken while fasting. But the whole fasting thing? That just depends on your doctor...

What does this have to do with me? What does this have to do with me. That is a great question.

My hcg (beta) is 43.
My progesterone is 18.9.

No, I only have a general idea of how far along I am.

Yes, I did eat before I went in for my labs.

No, I am only seeing my ob right now.

Yes, I am going in for a second lab tomorrow.

Yes, I am currently on all my standard meds right now.

No, I will not find out the second set of numbers until Friday.

Yes, I know that the first numbers don't mean a lot without the second.

No, the numbers combined still won't mean anything to me.

Yes, my numbers have doubled in the past and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been lower and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been as high as 35 and I have still miscarried.

No, really, I am happy about this pregnancy and pray I get to meet this child soon.

Yes, I am more anxious than I would care to verbally express right now.

The Tasty Aroma of Fall

Since I am still not working (don't ask...) I find that I enjoy letting my creative side run free by trying new recipes. So I have been cooking or baking new recipes about 2-3 times a week for quite sometime. The recipes I try are generally healthy and cheap.

I always choose recipes that are easy to make and sound like they will make good left overs because in our house we are short on time and cash!

I am obsessed with cookies and fall so when I saw this recipe it seemed perfect for me to try!

I made this heavenly Iced Pumpkin Cookie recipe the other day. The house was filled with the warm aroma of pumpkin pie spices all day and night. It still hung slightly in the air the following morning-- it was a nice way to stick my nose out from underneath the covers :) I thought I should share it here and encourage you all to start baking this recipe (and hope that some of you actually do it!)

As I experimented with this recipe I discovered a few things--- 1) it's good without the icing
2) this cookie is a very moist, soft, and bread like so if you want it heavier, then you should add extra flour 3) while I am not a fan of having nuts in or on my food, the pecans really add that extra something it was missing 4) the icing really doesn't need that 1 tbsp. of butter (I accidentally discovered it melted in the microwave the following day - oops!)

After making the cookies I went back and looked at the comments-- I am going to take some of the suggestions the next time I bake these (because there will be a next time)! I will substitute the 1/2 cup of white sugar for brown, add crushed pecans by folding them into the dough, and will not put them in air tight container (I read this before I placed them in one- whew!)

I hope you take chance and try this recipe--- Happy Baking!!!

Listening to the Sweet Silence

I Remember

Though he would never say anything I know that L often looks at the ribbon on the back of my car and wonders if I will ever take it off. But it's how I let my little angels know I still honor them daily- and how much I miss them.

Over the years I have thought about my 5 angels. I wonder if they gave up their lives because they new that Lil' P had a great purpose to serve here on earth. Or if the prayer I said had anything to do with their having to leave. As I lost more babies the prayer became more gut wrenching to say but it always remained the same-- Dear God, Please let this baby stay with me, I want them so deeply it hurts and I am tired of my arms feeling empty. I want them to live a happy, long, healthy life here on earth but their health and happiness means more to me than my wanting them. So if their life cannot be this, then please take them into your loving arms and keep them safe.

Sending love, hugs, and kisses all the way to heaven... today and everyday.

That Stings

I am annoyed. And hurt.

My sisters and I planned to have family pictures done, with my dad, as his birthday present. This has been planned for two months. We told him to schedule something for that day but didn't tell him why- it was going to be a surprise. We were going to tell him this weekend at the family birthday celebration (which K is attending- K is his new girlfriend for those just tuning into the chaos that is sometimes my life).

We scheduled it for a day that was less than ideal because it was the only time we were all available. The actual day of the pictures was going to be difficult for a number of reasons...
1. These would be the first pictures of our family without mom.
2. The pictures would be taken one day after the anniversary of her death.
3. The pictures would be taken two days after what would have been her 62nd birthday.

He forgot and scheduled a trip. Plane tickets are bought.

This is so typical of my dad and I know- I know!- that he hasn't even put the dates together in his head yet. But that's not what stings...

He is scheduled to leave, the day of my mom's birthday, to go visit K's family.

Niiiiice Dad. Nice.

What makes me feel even more guilty? Is continuing to feel so hurt and annoyed, at both him and K, knowing that she has no idea what-so-ever.

It's Just A Box

It's just a little box that I picked up for a "just in case" scenario. This box is in almost every store across America and Europe. What's the big deal? It's just a box with some sticks inside.

But if it's really just a box how does it evoke so many different emotions in just a few seconds? Just staring at it in the isle... the waves of emotion flooded every sense of my being.

Anxious. Excited. Hopeful. Dread. Worry. Fear. Sadness. Guilt. Happy. Love. Curiosity.

My hand was shaking and my heart was fluttering as a I reached down for that little blue box. I felt as if I was somehow sealing my fate.

Life Events and Miracles

It's funny to me how a 5 month old (which he is today!) can already have a life event.

Not only was it a life event but the occasion of where it occurred seems to have greater and greater family significance as the life that L and I have created continues.

Lil' P was baptized last month in the same church that L's parents were married in, that my parents renewed their vows in, and that L and I were married in.

I couldn't help but tear up as I held Lil' P in my arms standing next to L. 4 years and 1 month, to the exact day, L and I stood on the same alter and took our vows to become man and wife. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health... and in our first 4 years together I feel like we have faced it all. So many things have had happened in our first 4 years of marriage that most couples don't face in their first 10- but we were lucky and our challenges brought us closer together. In it's own way, I consider that in it's self a miracle- our first miracle.

And there we were, blessed again, holding our second miracle. We were making the promise to God that we would make sure that Lil' P had a relationship with Him, know His love and that we, along with our church and family, would raise him to be a good person. Lil' P, our little earth baby, allowed us to speak for him that day. I felt so humbled, so grateful.

The sermon that day was about the "Anatomy of Miracles". The minister said that nowhere in the Bible is there a miracle that occured that was not directly linked to a problem.

So, if you have a problem it's a good thing- today might be your day to experience a miracle.

Fall Colors