Done, Thank Goodness *(Warning: Rant Ahead)*

I am thanking the heavens that my last immune treatment took place last week.

We found out a few weeks ago that L is taking a pay cut of 3% for the next year in effort to prevent lay offs (never mind what his government contract says). I get it, I really do... it's going to leave a serious hole in an already tight budget. We have used savings to pay for the treatments and now due to the pay cut we have no way to try and replace the money (trust me, I have looked).

I know it's all for a good cause but when you have to spend well over $2,000.00 just to have a family it makes it difficult to remain financially prepared to maintain that family. *Not to mention that our insurance does not cover a dime AND we can't take a credit on our taxes for it because it doesn't meet the "required" percentage of our income. So we just have to eat it... (sigh)...

So now you know that I am thinking about at 3am.

We are so insanely broke that I cannot even joke about it.

I just want to cry.

I Am Surrounded

Most of the time I enjoy living in a college town.

I like that there is often an event happening (not that I ever go), a play to catch (not that I do), some band to see (um, I have a kid), or that I can wander around downtown to people watch (which I sometimes do).

However, what I hate, especially when pregnant, is how impossible it is to enjoy your greasy, cheese-melted-just-right pizza, with all these skinny, look-at-me-my-thighs-don't-rub-together bitches running around in their cute trendy outfits.

And sometimes getting that mental slap-in-the-face when I am driving down the road eating my hot, salty fries and the skinny sorostitute runs by in her skimpy workout clothes that exposes her big boobs, tight butt, and flat abs.

Maybe next time I should hang my greasy fry bag out the window at her and see how she likes it.

Whores. I am surrounded by whores.

Seriously Now

What does a pregnant girl have to do to take a pooh around here????

Sad Day

The baby is well, and moving around. L actually got to feel him/her move last night but the sad news is that our family dog, ie.- Chase, Chasers, Fluffy Puppy, died suddenly this week.

I really don't want to get into the saga that led up to it all. Needless to say we knew that something was wrong but he didn't seem to be in any pain, just feeling a little off. Restless.

We were going to take him to the vet in the morning. We decided to let him rest on his pillow next to our bed. When I went to check on him 30-40 minutes later he was gone.

I know that I have posted this picture before but it's my favorite of him, our Chasers.

LP didn't seemed phased by it the day after- but the following day was different. He just cried for probably a total of 40 minutes. Inconsolable, nothing would sooth him. He didn't want to eat, didn't want to be put down, didn't want to play. He just kinda clung to me while letting out great big sobs and tears. I just kept rocking him until he finally fell asleep.

It was so unlike LP-- I worry that he was feeling a little lost without his furry friend.

All Is Well

We went for the u/s.

Everything looked good. Wonderful. Fantastic.

We did not find out the sex, so we are awaiting our surprise in January-

Yay!

I have been reading blogs, just not responding.

That's about all the energy I have. Sorry, I am just pooped.

Cheers to a lovely week for you :)

Yes or No?

Next week is our "big" u/s. I will be 19 weeks.

I don't know why but I am freaked out. I am terrified that we will go in and they'll say, "Sorry, no heartbeat." So irrational.

But I know that it happens. Who's to say it won't happen to me?

I swear I have felt some movement which leads back to the irrational thought process. However, feelings are rarely ever about being rational. So it's just this big, ugly, irrational, circular motion.

I am still on the fence about finding out the the sex (assuming the above does not happen). I love, love, love the excitement that comes from not knowing. I also love the fact that not knowing drives other people crazy :) Plus, L would prefer to not find out.

But I also would really like to get some clothes ready as I discovered with LP, I like the pink or blue clothes as opposed to the yellow and green. If this is another boy he will be in a completely different season from LP so there will be no sharing clothes early on.

L and I are also having trouble around names- mostly boy names. I have had two dreams where we had another little boy and L was unhappy with what I named him- in real life and the dream. L is just not crazy about it.

I think that there is something to it because it was the same name in both dreams and the name itself was never previously discussed. I won't tell you the name just because I don't want to upset anyone- plus I am trying to keep it on the "list" because I really like it.

However, I would like your impute- finding out, yes or no? Discuss.

Wakings

So I have noticed a trend in my life.

When I wake up, either at 2am or 5:30am I am instantly thinking about money and bills. Then I just lay there for about 1-2 hours worrying. Sometimes I will actually get up and work on our household budget.

What causes your night wakings?

So Juvenile

I will admit to you how juvenile I really am.

I was in church this past Sunday and couldn't help but snicker every time I had to sing the line, "I will go with Him all the way."

Sacrilegious I know- but there it is.

What A Diffierence

So the magazine rack has become a new favorite toy for LP. As I was putting them away, for the umpteenth time, the other evening I realized how far my little life has morphed...

From my single days: Trav.el & Leisure, Food & Wi.ne, and US W.eekly

In my early married days: Livi.ng, Bod.y & Soul, Paula Dea.n and Rachel Ray

Now: This O.ld H.ouse, Taste of Ho.me Healthy Cooking, and Parent.ing

My how times change.

Outed

Sad as it is I woke up at 6am thinking, "Should I out myself today? I said I would if I made it this far."

So there it is. I outed myself due to our lovely little heartbeat on Monday.

I was surprised by the relief it brought. I enjoyed not hiding my belly anymore, trying not to hold LP a certain way or at all when around others, or doing that unconcious belly rub. I actually started to enjoy my current state.

Of course once I started telling people and emailing a few I was sure that I had jinxed the pregnancy and that it was all over. (Sigh)... then I gave myself a quick mental slap and remembered to keep it together.

It's too late. The information is out there in the public. It still makes me nervous when I think about it but... I am pregnant. And if, Heaven forbid, I lose this pregnancy I will want all the support I can get.

The hardest was emailing two IRL friends who are struggling with fertility issues. On one level I realize that I have struggled so it's not like I am "one of those people"-- but we all know it can be just as hurtful and painful. One I emailed out of necessity due to distance. The other I see on occassion due to work and explained I wanted her to be able to have any first reaction she wanted without feeling like she was being judged.

It's really hard to tell people in a gentle way and I did feel a little guilty while typing. I guess that's par for the course though.

How Do The Normals Do It?

Really.

That's my biggest questions right now.

How do the normal people tell others they are pregnant? With such ease? Happiness? Joy?

How do they just blurt out, "I'M PREGNANT!!!" Then float about the room smiling ear- to- ear?

The simple, easy answer is ignorance. They just don't know better.

Which is why they are normal and I am not.

Clearly, I am showing and working very hard to hide it. However, people are raising their eyebrows. I can see the question written all over their silent face.

(You know I actually went out and purchased two maternity items last week?? Big moment I know! )

I need to start telling people, I go in for a 13-week heartbeat check on Monday. If all goes well, I told myself that I would start telling people.

It just freaks me out a little. Okay, maybe more than a little.

More like a few notches below panic but a hefty upgrade from "Oh, sweet Lord..."

The Beat Goes On

Baby's heartbeat was ticking away yesterday- although I was measuring a little further along than last time.

While I should have been 10w6d today I was 11w1d. However, it was my doctor and not the u/s tech that did the measurements this time. Umm, but I don't care- it puts me that much closer to the 2T.

So there it is.

The heartbeat was still 182 but our doctor was not concerned. She said it was nice and strong and that various things can affect it- like dehydration. So I am going to try and start drinking more water.

I does make me a little nervous that it's so high but I am trying to take the road of "If she's not worried about it then I won't be worried about it."

We might actually have a January baby :) Neat, huh??

Laziness

That's really what it is.

I. am. just. lazy.

A while back we moved my home office upstairs- from downstairs.

I used to waste the few precious, non-filled hours I had on my laptop, sitting on the couch surfing the internet. And of course, perusing everyone's blog while adding my own updates.

Now everything is upstairs. Up. that. long. flight. to. no. where. ville.

There isn't even a bathroom up here. Yet. It's a distant dream of ours.

As much as I adore you all and deeply want to know how you are all doing. I just can't seem to make myself take my boo- tay up those damn stairs.

Now that I have a bit more work, it will force me up here. But seriously people, I need to get my office back downstairs. Clearly, I am just too lazy. Quite frankly, I miss you all!

Is there anything that your laziness prevents you from doing?

Love Potion #9

Indeed.

8w6d.

Heartbeat 182.

EDD 01/20/10.

Thirlled.

Nervous.

Hurdles to still jump.

But, hopeful this won't break my heart.

On Leave

I will be gone for our beach vacation this upcoming week but wanted to wish everyone a nice, quiet, uneventful, non- drama week.

While I am starting to feel anxious I am planning on enjoying this trip.

The next time you hear from me I will be able to tell you if we saw a heartbeat (God, willing the answer will be a resounding 'yes!').

Enjoy your week!!!

I Guess

When you have been pregnant 9 times your stomach just goes *bleh, blub, blub*.

I haven't been able to button my pants for two weeks. Adding further insult I was forced to wear maternity pants to church.

Those factors make it difficult to ignore my condition. And too hide it.

Sorry For The Delay

I am still technically pregnant.

I find it odd that I say that- as if somehow I am not "really" pregnant because we don't know if we have a heartbeat or if I am going to miscarry. It's like I need to qualify or justify my state of mind somehow.

Anyway...

I have had two more labs. My 5- day lab (3rd draw) was 375. My final, and 4th draw (4 days later) was 3310.

This is encouraging and the numbers were much higher than we hoped for.

LP is keeping me busy (who is literally climbing on everything) along with work- both excellent distractions. I am left worried at times because I am not constantly checking in with symptoms. So this leads me to worry that they aren't strong enough- to which I have to remind myself that I could get distracted from my symptoms while I was carrying LP.

So then I wonder if we are having a boy since it's like LP's pregnancy- which leaves me feeling annoyed with myself because I am jumping way ahead of myself and the situation.

(Oh- I also worry that I jinxed the pregnancy as I found out my due date.)

You know the drill. The roller coaster. Blah, blah, blah...

I should be solidly into my 8th week by time the u/s rolls around- June 16th.

Here's to hoping that drinks will be on the house that day!

What You Don't Know

So straight to what you really want to know...

In five days my betas went from 66 to 375. The doubling rate slowed from the 48- hour draw by 8 hours (you can thank betabase.com)... of course it also told me that I am average for my age range.

I know that I am being nit-picky. You would be too. Admit it!!

Treatment should be by the end of the week. I am going to talk to the nurse tomorrow.

My ob wants me to come in for another lab on Friday so that she can figure out what she is looking for in the u/s. Originally, it was scheduled for next Tuesday but I know it will be too early to see anything (I've concluded that I was 11dpo when I took the pregnancy test) and L will be out of town until Thursday.

Then we leave for the beach Saturday with L's family. So I think that we are going to wait until the week of the 15th. We should see something definitive by then.

I know that it seems forever (and it is) but I don't want to be worried or sad over vacation and waiting another week isn't going to change the outcome of this pregnancy. So I am going to go with "what you don't know won't hurt you."

At least in this situation.

I hope.

Another

Another what?

Positive pregnancy test. After all, that is what I do best. Well, what L and I do best.

I actually got it last week but didn't want to post until I had more info to provide.

Before telling you I would like you to know that we have the Intralipi.d treatment set up and if it works--- it will cost about 5% of what IVIg did. So if the cost of immune testing/ treatment has been holding you back in the world of IF/ RPL--- please make an appt. with SIR.M. The whole treatment is quite affordable considering at what we look at paying for many things!!!

My 48 hour betas were the following:
1st Draw- 22, Progesterone, 23

2nd Draw- 66

I go in for another beta on Monday (today) and if that looks good we will have a treatment on Friday!

I am starting to get nervous because I realize how much faith I am putting into this treatment. I don't want to be disappointed.

Chin up though- I can do this.

Pregnancy #6 was lucky and maybe #9 will be too.

Offically One!

And with that came his first temper tantrum in public. Ahhh... the sweet sounds of hysteria and having "that kid."

I was a tough two years to get here, it was a tough year to get through- but I loved every minute and I know how truly blessed I am.

I hope that you had a fabulous birthday little man- I couldn't love anyone more!!!