Two Worlds Collide

Guarded

Thank you to all who posted-- I had no idea that so many people stopped by my blog or maybe there were some first timers in there (not that it matters). All the warmth and positive energy you sent warmed my heart. Thank you.

Guarded is the best word to describe how I am emotionally right now.

Before I tell you what my number was I want to tell you briefly about my first pregnancy. The one that started my RPL rollercoaster. When I got a positive pregnancy test and called the doctor, like many of us do, they took my hcg level twice. It went up like it should. I had fading symptoms but still had them.

At 10 weeks, 5 days after my dad called and said they were putting my mom in hospice, I was to have my first u/s. I left my mom's side to go and before leaving I told her I would bring her back a picture of our baby, her second grandchild.

When I looked at the u/s screen it was heartbreaking. Gut wrenching, tear my heart out through my throat, pour acid into my eyes painful. The u/s screen was empty. Just empty- no sac, no anything. N.o.t.h.i.n.g. The doctor thought that I had gotten my dates wrong- in fact he insisted I got my dates wrong. I knew better though. He further insisted that I get another hcg level done- it was over 27,000. My mom died November 7th. Three days later my numbers plummeted, the cramping began, and my miscarriage started. My world just fell apart, crumbled-- and I was helpless.

This is why I am guarded-- I have been here before. In this very place with similar symptoms and all.

My hcg number went from 43 to 140 in 48 hours.

My doctor scheduled my u/s in two weeks-- Nov. 7th 8:30 am.

Corpus Luteum

I debated. And then I debated some more. Then I decided not to. Then I decided I would. Then I decided I wouldn't. Buuuut, then again, maybe I should.

Finally, I decided that I wanted my blog to be about honesty. Despite my not wanting my IRL friends to know-- because I am just not ready-- my desire to be honest won out. So here is this post.
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Corpus Leuteum??? Is it a suburb of Corpus Christie? Or a small town just north of it? No. No, my friends. It is not.

Corpus Luteum. Funny word when you say it. In the world of fertility, it's the follicle that produces progesterone when a women ovulates. This same crater-esk follicle continues to produce progesterone during pregnancy until the placenta can take over which occurs around 10-11 weeks.

Now, just about any RE will tell you they like the progesterone level over 20 when a woman is pregnant. Especially, a reproductively challenged woman. Some even speculate that progesterone levels are affected by eating and should only be taken while fasting. But the whole fasting thing? That just depends on your doctor...

What does this have to do with me? What does this have to do with me. That is a great question.

My hcg (beta) is 43.
My progesterone is 18.9.

No, I only have a general idea of how far along I am.

Yes, I did eat before I went in for my labs.

No, I am only seeing my ob right now.

Yes, I am going in for a second lab tomorrow.

Yes, I am currently on all my standard meds right now.

No, I will not find out the second set of numbers until Friday.

Yes, I know that the first numbers don't mean a lot without the second.

No, the numbers combined still won't mean anything to me.

Yes, my numbers have doubled in the past and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been lower and I have still miscarried.

Yes, my progesterone has been as high as 35 and I have still miscarried.

No, really, I am happy about this pregnancy and pray I get to meet this child soon.

Yes, I am more anxious than I would care to verbally express right now.

The Tasty Aroma of Fall

Since I am still not working (don't ask...) I find that I enjoy letting my creative side run free by trying new recipes. So I have been cooking or baking new recipes about 2-3 times a week for quite sometime. The recipes I try are generally healthy and cheap.

I always choose recipes that are easy to make and sound like they will make good left overs because in our house we are short on time and cash!

I am obsessed with cookies and fall so when I saw this recipe it seemed perfect for me to try!

I made this heavenly Iced Pumpkin Cookie recipe the other day. The house was filled with the warm aroma of pumpkin pie spices all day and night. It still hung slightly in the air the following morning-- it was a nice way to stick my nose out from underneath the covers :) I thought I should share it here and encourage you all to start baking this recipe (and hope that some of you actually do it!)

As I experimented with this recipe I discovered a few things--- 1) it's good without the icing
2) this cookie is a very moist, soft, and bread like so if you want it heavier, then you should add extra flour 3) while I am not a fan of having nuts in or on my food, the pecans really add that extra something it was missing 4) the icing really doesn't need that 1 tbsp. of butter (I accidentally discovered it melted in the microwave the following day - oops!)

After making the cookies I went back and looked at the comments-- I am going to take some of the suggestions the next time I bake these (because there will be a next time)! I will substitute the 1/2 cup of white sugar for brown, add crushed pecans by folding them into the dough, and will not put them in air tight container (I read this before I placed them in one- whew!)

I hope you take chance and try this recipe--- Happy Baking!!!

Listening to the Sweet Silence

I Remember

Though he would never say anything I know that L often looks at the ribbon on the back of my car and wonders if I will ever take it off. But it's how I let my little angels know I still honor them daily- and how much I miss them.

Over the years I have thought about my 5 angels. I wonder if they gave up their lives because they new that Lil' P had a great purpose to serve here on earth. Or if the prayer I said had anything to do with their having to leave. As I lost more babies the prayer became more gut wrenching to say but it always remained the same-- Dear God, Please let this baby stay with me, I want them so deeply it hurts and I am tired of my arms feeling empty. I want them to live a happy, long, healthy life here on earth but their health and happiness means more to me than my wanting them. So if their life cannot be this, then please take them into your loving arms and keep them safe.

Sending love, hugs, and kisses all the way to heaven... today and everyday.

That Stings

I am annoyed. And hurt.

My sisters and I planned to have family pictures done, with my dad, as his birthday present. This has been planned for two months. We told him to schedule something for that day but didn't tell him why- it was going to be a surprise. We were going to tell him this weekend at the family birthday celebration (which K is attending- K is his new girlfriend for those just tuning into the chaos that is sometimes my life).

We scheduled it for a day that was less than ideal because it was the only time we were all available. The actual day of the pictures was going to be difficult for a number of reasons...
1. These would be the first pictures of our family without mom.
2. The pictures would be taken one day after the anniversary of her death.
3. The pictures would be taken two days after what would have been her 62nd birthday.

He forgot and scheduled a trip. Plane tickets are bought.

This is so typical of my dad and I know- I know!- that he hasn't even put the dates together in his head yet. But that's not what stings...

He is scheduled to leave, the day of my mom's birthday, to go visit K's family.

Niiiiice Dad. Nice.

What makes me feel even more guilty? Is continuing to feel so hurt and annoyed, at both him and K, knowing that she has no idea what-so-ever.

It's Just A Box

It's just a little box that I picked up for a "just in case" scenario. This box is in almost every store across America and Europe. What's the big deal? It's just a box with some sticks inside.

But if it's really just a box how does it evoke so many different emotions in just a few seconds? Just staring at it in the isle... the waves of emotion flooded every sense of my being.

Anxious. Excited. Hopeful. Dread. Worry. Fear. Sadness. Guilt. Happy. Love. Curiosity.

My hand was shaking and my heart was fluttering as a I reached down for that little blue box. I felt as if I was somehow sealing my fate.

Life Events and Miracles

It's funny to me how a 5 month old (which he is today!) can already have a life event.

Not only was it a life event but the occasion of where it occurred seems to have greater and greater family significance as the life that L and I have created continues.

Lil' P was baptized last month in the same church that L's parents were married in, that my parents renewed their vows in, and that L and I were married in.

I couldn't help but tear up as I held Lil' P in my arms standing next to L. 4 years and 1 month, to the exact day, L and I stood on the same alter and took our vows to become man and wife. For better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health... and in our first 4 years together I feel like we have faced it all. So many things have had happened in our first 4 years of marriage that most couples don't face in their first 10- but we were lucky and our challenges brought us closer together. In it's own way, I consider that in it's self a miracle- our first miracle.

And there we were, blessed again, holding our second miracle. We were making the promise to God that we would make sure that Lil' P had a relationship with Him, know His love and that we, along with our church and family, would raise him to be a good person. Lil' P, our little earth baby, allowed us to speak for him that day. I felt so humbled, so grateful.

The sermon that day was about the "Anatomy of Miracles". The minister said that nowhere in the Bible is there a miracle that occured that was not directly linked to a problem.

So, if you have a problem it's a good thing- today might be your day to experience a miracle.

Fall Colors

Note Worthy Wednesday (Or Maybe Not)

- When L took Lil' P to his parents house on Saturday, it took a lot of strength for me to not cry.

- My a** is bigger and my boobs are smaller, how's that fair?????

- I saw myself in some recent pictures and was less than impressed with how I looked. So I am now trying to lose 11 pounds and using a website called Spar.kPeople.com. It's a great site and I would encourage anyone who is interested in losing weight to go look at it.

- I have started back on my PCOS diet (low carbs and sugars)... I miss not having to think about what and how much I am eating.

- I will start back to work early October, the second week. I am nervous because Lil' P and I have just started to get into a routine, now I am going to screw it all up. How am I going to add working to all the other things that I do??? Like I told R&R earlier, the label "working mother" annoys me because I believe it's redundant.

- I got my period back. It was the nicest period I have ever had in my life- it was practically painless. Amazing. And why do they call periods "Aunt Flow"? You would think that women would have given it a nickname relating to a man, only a man would cause a woman so much grief.

- I believe that my dreams sometime tell me about my future- particularly when I wake up still feeling whatever emotion was evoked during my dream. In my dream earlier this week L and I were pregnant with our 2nd baby and we were walking into our u/s. I am guessing that it was around the 20th week because we were still debating if we should find out the sex- we decided not too as she was putting the wand on my stomach. Somehow I knew in my dream that conceiving our 2nd child was not nearly as difficult as our 1st, that it was in fact, easy. I woke up feeling so, so very happy. I hope and pray this is an accurate premonition.

- L and I are starting to talk about number 2. We know that we will not prevent but will certainly not try- at least not anytime soon. We both agree that while it would be less than ideal to become pregnant right now, as a pregnancy could result in another earth baby, we wouldn't want to lick a gift horse in the mouth.

- I still feel like I would love to have 3 kids... and I feel so greedy about that.

The Sky This Morning

I Heart L

I love L for the following reason- he is taking Lil' P to his parents house tomorrow from 10am - 6pm.

I am looking forward to shopping for workout clothes, baking cookies, and soaking my feet. I will also attempt to read and nap.

I feel guilty but I am so, so excited :)

Working Past Memories

I have not made it a secret on this blog that I lost my mother, three years ago this November, to cancer. Nor do I hide the fact that she was my best friend.

I also have not made it secret that I am less than thrilled with my father dating again. While this woman (K), who has been around for 4 months, is not the hussy that I have envisioned in my head she is not what I imagined either. If that makes any sense.

We celebrated my nephews 3rd birthday last week at my sister's house and the immediate family was there for the celebration-while I was having over the top reactions to K. She was there playing with my nephew and letting my 10 month-old niece use her as a walking stick. All I could think was, "It should be my mom here, not this woman." Later on that day, my dad handed Lil' P to her so she could hold him and it took all my will power to not snatch him out of her arms.

In small amount of time I have been given to know K this what I have learned... she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not like my mom. Sweet as can be but lacks the independence and self confidence that I admire in women. That I admired in my mom. K doesn't have the sharp, witty (if I do say so myself), sarcastic sense of humor that my sister's and I have. We got our sense of humor from mom. What K does have, that my mom did have, was the ability to be welcoming to all those she meets.

I realized that night, as I was thinking about my reactions to K, that it reminds me of when you start dating again after a lengthy relationship that you didn't end. You meet someone and say, "They are nice but they aren't so-and-so" or "I liked it better when so-and-so did..." You do this until you meet someone who makes the memory of your lost relationship fade.

Like a new boyfriend that you shouldn't compare to the old one, I need to stop comparing this woman to my mom.

No one could live up to her and fill her shoes. No other woman will ever come close being my mom. No one will or can ever replace her -but my mom's memory is not going to fade. While time has started to dull the pain, my mom lives on and continues to love through me, her family, and her grandchildren.

That is something that will not change- ever. I need to learn to let these two women coexist peacefully. I just don't know how.

Diggin' It

I am not talking about that old country song (do you remember that one- 'I'm Diggin' It'???)

I am talking about the new dashboard for blogger :) It allows you to follow the blogs that you always read, without all the clicking!!! Love it...

A Parent's Secret

A baby changes everything. (Tell me something I didn't realize...)

Once you see your baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love. (Duh!)

These are said to every first time mom.

I think that we were prepared for the part where a baby changes everything. Boy, did things change... I was prepared for the night time feedings, not being able to go where I wanted when I wanted. However, I lacked the foresight to consider the emotional drain it would all take, especially when I was (am) exhausted.

Once you hold you baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love.

Huh. Ummm, that didn't happen so much for me and L.

Please understand, of course we loved our son. We loved all our babies and we wanted everyone of them. But I didn't feel that rush that so many moms talk about when I first held him. I was thrilled (and tired) smiled and said, "So you are the one who has been kicking me all this time." And L? Hell, he sobbed when Lil' P finally arrived into the world and was still crying when he called his family.

It was an odd experience to suddenly have a whole other person present. Boom, there he is. Now, take him home, care for him, raise him to be a good, caring person, and you have sole responsibility of him for the next 18 years. PS- you will be judged by those around you whether they admit it or not. (That's what I heard in my head anyway).

I was surprised by my lack of "falling". L felt the same way and perhaps this is what helped us establish our new hats as parents also helping us create a new/different bond between us. The bond I felt was different than everyone else and I felt so guilty about that. I thought something was wrong with me.

As the weeks rolled by I grew to love him and have since fallen head over heals for him. I realize, now, that for me to love him like all other parents love their little ones, or to get that "falling" feeling, I had to get to know him. I needed to learn his tickle spots, what songs he liked (even the made up ones), what made him laugh and smile, how he liked to held, and what all his different cries meant.

In the short 4 months that I have known him L and I have learned so much about him- and we love him dearly for who he is becoming. While I used to snicker at the old saying, "I love you more everyday" I have found it certainly now applies in our home.

Come On, It'll Be Fun

I snagged this from Alison and then saw it on Leah's and wanted to join in on the fun...

The Name Game

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Rags Civic (this sooo not a rock star's name)

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Moose Tracks Extreme Flip Flop

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Blue Cat

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Christine Mt. Clemens

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Lassam

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Frappichino

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Mick James

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Warm Vanilla Twix

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Myers Missoula

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Sunflower (this should so be my stripper, I mean, "dancer" name)

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Strawberry Pajama Bottoms

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Sausage Biscuit Red Maple (now I sound like a fat Hippie)

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Rags Werner

It's So Petty I Should Be Ashamed (but I'm not!)

I can be very petty at times and here is the most recent reason why but you will need a little back story first...

My high school boyfriend (who was my first everything) and I dated for 2-1/2 years and things fizzled out when I went to college but we tried to remain friends after the break up. He stopped talking to me because his new girlfriend didn't like it (and who can blame her??? I mean, I am fabulous!!) Well, that really hurt me and I never quite got over it...

An old high school friend of mine emailed me the other day. She said that he came into her place of work and she didn't recognize him until she heard him speak- his receding hairline made him look so different...

hehehehehehe...

Oh Hippo, How I Love Thee

Yes!

I got to wear a belt today!!!! Woo hoo!!!