Sorry For The Delay

I am still technically pregnant.

I find it odd that I say that- as if somehow I am not "really" pregnant because we don't know if we have a heartbeat or if I am going to miscarry. It's like I need to qualify or justify my state of mind somehow.

Anyway...

I have had two more labs. My 5- day lab (3rd draw) was 375. My final, and 4th draw (4 days later) was 3310.

This is encouraging and the numbers were much higher than we hoped for.

LP is keeping me busy (who is literally climbing on everything) along with work- both excellent distractions. I am left worried at times because I am not constantly checking in with symptoms. So this leads me to worry that they aren't strong enough- to which I have to remind myself that I could get distracted from my symptoms while I was carrying LP.

So then I wonder if we are having a boy since it's like LP's pregnancy- which leaves me feeling annoyed with myself because I am jumping way ahead of myself and the situation.

(Oh- I also worry that I jinxed the pregnancy as I found out my due date.)

You know the drill. The roller coaster. Blah, blah, blah...

I should be solidly into my 8th week by time the u/s rolls around- June 16th.

Here's to hoping that drinks will be on the house that day!

What You Don't Know

So straight to what you really want to know...

In five days my betas went from 66 to 375. The doubling rate slowed from the 48- hour draw by 8 hours (you can thank betabase.com)... of course it also told me that I am average for my age range.

I know that I am being nit-picky. You would be too. Admit it!!

Treatment should be by the end of the week. I am going to talk to the nurse tomorrow.

My ob wants me to come in for another lab on Friday so that she can figure out what she is looking for in the u/s. Originally, it was scheduled for next Tuesday but I know it will be too early to see anything (I've concluded that I was 11dpo when I took the pregnancy test) and L will be out of town until Thursday.

Then we leave for the beach Saturday with L's family. So I think that we are going to wait until the week of the 15th. We should see something definitive by then.

I know that it seems forever (and it is) but I don't want to be worried or sad over vacation and waiting another week isn't going to change the outcome of this pregnancy. So I am going to go with "what you don't know won't hurt you."

At least in this situation.

I hope.

Another

Another what?

Positive pregnancy test. After all, that is what I do best. Well, what L and I do best.

I actually got it last week but didn't want to post until I had more info to provide.

Before telling you I would like you to know that we have the Intralipi.d treatment set up and if it works--- it will cost about 5% of what IVIg did. So if the cost of immune testing/ treatment has been holding you back in the world of IF/ RPL--- please make an appt. with SIR.M. The whole treatment is quite affordable considering at what we look at paying for many things!!!

My 48 hour betas were the following:
1st Draw- 22, Progesterone, 23

2nd Draw- 66

I go in for another beta on Monday (today) and if that looks good we will have a treatment on Friday!

I am starting to get nervous because I realize how much faith I am putting into this treatment. I don't want to be disappointed.

Chin up though- I can do this.

Pregnancy #6 was lucky and maybe #9 will be too.

Offically One!

And with that came his first temper tantrum in public. Ahhh... the sweet sounds of hysteria and having "that kid."

I was a tough two years to get here, it was a tough year to get through- but I loved every minute and I know how truly blessed I am.

I hope that you had a fabulous birthday little man- I couldn't love anyone more!!!

Save Me From Myself

Are there days where you just do so many stupid things that you wonder, "How did I make it this far in life?"

**On a side note-- LP has seemed to chill and slept through the night last night (knock on wood...)

Serious Regression

So I have been swamped with work (I am taking on more to try and cover the car payments).

LP has decided to stop napping despite being e.x.h.a.u.s.t.e.d. and cries for (literally) an hour(s) at a time. So the only time I have to work is after 8pm when L is home and puts him to bed.

This is not just a cry- that's too mild. It's a bone-chilling-oh-my-god-save-me-something-is-eating-me-shrill-cry.

He cries when I hold him.

He cries when I put him down.

He cries when I try to feed him.

He cries after I have given him M.otrin.

He cries after gas drops.

He wakes up the instant I put him down in the crib (despite be sound asleep seconds before) at both nap time and bedtime.

He was sleeping solid through the night (after we did the modified CIO) for about 3 months!

Now, we are back to square one.

Is it because he is walking?

Because he is about to turn one?

Is it separation anxiety?

A combination?

I swear I am about to shoot myself. Help!

Are You Freakin' Kidding Me??

After about a two weeks of debating, we finally made the plunge to buy the "preloved" car.

We had a little extra money coming in from a side job that L held- I thought, "We'll use it for backup if there is month where I don't get work."

I came home with the car at 4:15pm.

Do you know what happened at 6:45pm?

L got an email saying that that he would be taking a 70% pay cut on that job. He never even got a warning sign that things were amiss with the company. Had we'd known we wouldn't have purchased the car.

I am trying so hard not to freak out and keep faith that God will provide a way for us.

Shit.

CD1

She arrived today so I guess I did ovulate...

I was a little upset at first but then I remembered how life was before LP, waaaay before LP.

There was a span of 8 months when I wasn't ovulating at all. I was so upset by every month that went by because I wasn't even given the chance to have a baby.

This month I have another chance to try.

So, today, I am grateful to have Cycle #2 so that I can continue my pursuit of #2.

I Wish

that I had some fabulous reason as to why I have been a slack ass in the world of blogging. But I don't. I have just been swamped, swamped with work.

However, my husband did leave today not knowing if we were going to purchase that "preloved" car or not. He said it was my decision.

Is he really trusting me or is he just flat out crazy??

Mu-wa-hahahaha ;)

So Much To Say

And so little time to say it- so here's the outline!

- Busy, busy with work. Which is good because that means a paycheck but it also means I am working with a particularly undesirable client type.

- Had a fabulous birthday! It was great and the best one I have had in several years. Score me!

- Annoyed as SIR.M and my Ob have been playing phone tag.

- But maybe not so bad because I do I have 't think I have o'ed yet. Had some sings but nothing concrete.

- Worried because the last time I didn't "o" it took me 8 months to finally get there.

- Hello, CD 20 (ugh!)

- Our little man, sweet LP, had his 11- month birthday!

- We officially have a toddler! Yes, you read that right :))))

- LP has been dying to walk but just not able to get up the courage to try. Then "wham!" he took his first steps. I was so proud of him, I immediately called my entire family.

- Keep in mind, he still prefers crawling as his mode of transportation. Wait, scratch that. He'd rather be carried :)

If Pets Reflect?

I was reading Megs blog the other day where she was talking about animals reflecting their owners behavior. If that's true, meet our dog Chase!

(Don't be alarmed- the white you see if actually blue! He is half Husky and Golden Retriever so one eye is half blue and half brown.)

Chase enjoys the following: Chocolate (which he will search out, take off tables, and pull out of bags), naps, sitting, laying in the sun, treats, and taunting our two outside cats when we aren't looking.

So basically he likes food and is lazy. Yep, I think that sums us up!

What does your pet say about you??

Oh, My!

I haven't been this excited to jump in the sack in a long time!

Hoping we catch a sticky one this month :)

The 4-1-1

Well, my period arrived about 6 hours after posting on Monday. So clearly, I am not pregnant.

But!!

I got in touch with S.IRM.

Game on.

Well...

I am fairly confident that I ovulated.

And there is a chance that I could be (get?) pregnant.

Now if only S.IRM would call me back so their office and my ob can talk. As I would like to try In.tralipids with this possible pregnancy.

I am becoming anxious about the lack of contact as I have already contacted S.IRM twice.

Now What?

I pulled out some old albums this weekend, picture albums that is. I was looking through them and thinking, "What do I do with these pictures?"

Some of them were from high school (not a lot of fond memories there). Including some of my first, true, real boyfriend. Others were from college years with drinking and smoking going on (I had a really good time my first semester of college!)

It brought back a flood of memories, and feelings, that were not all good. Yet, these experiences made me who I am. Keeping them doesn't feel any better than throwing them away.

What's been your experience?

Classic Parenting Moment

"Look mama! Look what I found!"

Apparently, this is the trendy way to add fiber to your diet.

It's All Good

So we had the consult with the new specialist. It went well and L and I are both very hopeful.

He certainly believes that my problem is immune and that I am a candidate for Intra.lipids- yay!

He suggested more immune testing and IVF but I disagree. What can further testing tell us that we don't already know? I feel like we know what works and IVF just is not an option right now (however ideal it would be). If I were 34 the option would be on the table but lets see what father time gives us before going there. Plus, it will take some serious cash.

I was only surprised by one thing he said--- he thinks I should use presnidon.e along with the the Intralipi.ds. Anyone know anything about presnido.ne? My knowledge is limited.

He also agreed to consult with our ob/gyn if he were "invited" in. She, my ob/gyn, has completely agreed. Yay again! So now I need to speak with his office to talk about initiating that process.

L and I have our plan in place and crossing our fingers! Wish us luck- as clearly we will need it :)

I've Won A Prize!!!

I feel as though I have won a popularity contest-- which is kinda cool for a reason that I will explain below. I am cheating a little as I am only nominating 4. It's just too hard because I think that all the blogs I read are fabulous...

My prize is this nifty icon to the left! Woo hoo!!

The rules for Honest Scrap are:

1) Choose a minimum of 7 (or my 4) blogs that you find brilliant in content or design. These are my nominees:

- new year new ute

- Fertile Yet Infertile?

- Losses and Gains

- Which Way to Baby?

2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap."

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

I'm not very interesting but I will try to dazzle you with my hum- drum life!

1. I was never considered "cool" or "popular" when I was young which is why I am excited about this nomination in particular. Thanks R&R!!

2. The people that I allow myself to argue with are the people who I trust the most--- because I know that they will still like me at the end of the day.

3. L, my sweet hubby, has no idea that I blog (or at least I don't think he does).

4. I love puns and have a soft spot for other people who do too.

5. My favorite job was working in a chocolate store where we were instructed to taste the scrumptious delights multiple times a day to "make sure it was fresh." I lost weight because I ate so much while working I had no room left over for "real" food. I ask you, does it get any better than that??

6. My parents were using all of their savings to pay for my moms treatments when she was sick. So I spoke to a Nav.y recruiter about placing her on my insurance if I joined. It didn't work out.

7. I often keep and prefer my "counselor face" in my regular/ private life. It's like bot.ox-- people are never really sure what I am thinking.

8. I love my husband dearly but on the rare occasion when we have a horrible fight I think, "What would I take with me if we had to divorce?"

9. I have found that I am happiest when I am content.

10. While I do not have an evil sister I do have an overly- dramatic frustrating sister.

In The Quiet Of Night

At night, when I am feeding Lil' P, he will often fall asleep in my arms.

It's during these moments when I just stare at his sweet, perfect face and try to capture it forever in my mind.

I wonder who he will grow up to be and if I will be lucky enough to witness it. It often leads to silent tears as I begin to imagine the pain my mom went through in being forced to let go of her family earlier than she expected.

Then the pain and hurt of losing her quickly follows.

Life and death are a certainty of life. No matter how short or long. Unfair or just. I know that there can be no great sorrow without great love. These are the things that bring balance our universe.

I find myself always hoping that if there is one thing that I accomplish in my life here on earth it is that my precious little boy will know how much I loved him. But in striving for that goal-- I know that my absence, which will surely come, will bring him pain. The same sadness that lingers just below my surface.

And I am left feeling selfish for bringing something so life-altering to another.

The Light Of My Life