Pop Confession

I would totally go see Bri.ttany Spear.s in concert.

She may be a little whorey but a fine entertainer none the less. And frankly, as of late, I could use a little non- baby entertainment in my life.

What's your pop confession??

The Abyss

I have decided that my kitchen containers are much like socks to the laundry room.

Where on earth do my lids go?????

Fantastic Alternitive To IVIg-- A Must Read

I received this information from an RPL message board. It's very exciting and offers new hope to those who have to use IVIg treatments to maintain a pregnancy due to autoimmune disorders.

S.IRM Laboratories has started using this to fight natural killer cells (NK) issues and I am currently in the midst of speaking with them to see if the treatment will help with my Leukocyte Antibodies (LAD) issue.

The best part???? The cost is only 10% of what IVIg is!!!!
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Intralipid

About a year ago, we began evaluating the effect of Intralipid in patients who had activated Natural Killer cells, and for whom IVIG therapy would otherwise be indicated. Thus far we have treated more than 30 women with Nka using Intralipid 20%. More than 60% of the patients achieved viable ongoing pregnancies, showing Intralipid therapy to be at least as effective (and perhaps even more so) than IVIG. There were no significant side effects and patient tolerance of this treatment was high. We anticipate that patients receiving Intralipid will soon start reporting on their experience using Intralipid, on various discussion boards.

Against this background, SIRM physicians have collectively decided to virtually abandon further use of IVIG, in favor of Intralipid.

Fudge

Well, I think my ob is trying to kill me.

The u/s is scheduled 2 weeks from now.

Here's hoping that if I really am going to miscarry that I will do so before hand. Otherwise, I will be hopeful and extra crushed if the appointment is a bust.

I typically miscarry about 7-8 weeks but have gone as long as 11.

(Sigh).

And life continues.

Nothing New

The title pretty much just says it all.

I have conceded that this pregnancy is over but I can still feel the smallest sliver of hope lingering in the back of my mind... stupid hope.

I will be getting a call from my ob's office tomorrow informing me of what will occur next- blood work or ultrasound. It'll be one.

There are brief discussions going on inside our house about what steps will be taken after this. All them make me want to cry and leave me feeling anxious and like a failure.

I'm Bad At Math

And this is one math problem I can't seem to get wrong.

So if you see another way I am open to discussion. But no matter how many different ways I look at this I can't seem to come out on a positive.

I started to miscarry (#7) around Nov. 6th and that took a week.

I found out about this pregnancy on the Dec 9th. So it would be physically impossible for me to be any earlier than 3 weeks on that day, right?? Then that would mean I would have to be at least 6 weeks today.

I measured 5 weeks with no sign of a fetal pole. Just a nice little sac with yolk.

My doctor was out today and won't be in until next week. I suspect she will do another u/s if I haven't started spotting or miscarrying by then. Then, if that's inconclusive, I imagine that she will do more labs. L is just frustrated with me and thinks I am "not giving our baby a chance" that I am being too pessimistic.

I just don't see how this can end any other way, the math isn't making sense.

I am just so sad. I don't see how I can keep doing this.

It's times like this when I hate hope the most. It juts leaves me feeling hurt, sad, and empty.

Damn it.

Cheers To A New Year

Hoping your new year brings you peace and many unexpected joys!

My Bad Peoples

The decision to actually have a u/s was made today but it will actually take place later this week. I will post when I am ready as the day could bring many things. Thanks for caring about me :)

The Finale of Christmas Favorites: Pictures

A picture to treasure for years to come.

Merry Christmas!!!!

Tuesday: The Results Show

It's slightly more clear--- quick recap:

1st draw--- Hcg (6), Progesterone (25.3)

2nd draw after 48 hours--- Hcg (25), No Progesterone taken

3rd draw (5 days later)--- Hcg (337), Progesterone (18)

Now---

4th draw (6 days later)--- Hcg (4,437), Progesterone (29.2)

My doctor was out but my trusty nurse called anyway (I love her!). She believes that a u/s will be ordered next and I concur. Monday is when I will know the final decision. I am just taking this one step at a time right now...

Day 2 of Christmas Favorites: Ornaments

I have no idea why this is one of my favorite ornament- it just is!

What's yours?

Day 1 of Christmas Favorites: Cookies!

This is a recipe that I made two years ago- it now has a cultish following.

L's family requests it every year for Christmas, it was the only thing my SIL could eat when she was pregnant with her first. Last year, my ob (including her staff) requested the recipe when I made them for the office-- she actually asked me twice for it. I really thought she was just being polite the first time she asked- my bad! Now, my sister and dad ask for it each Christmas Eve. I have to make a double batch these days. The picture to the right is what the completed cookie should look like.

The recipe, Chocolate Covered Cherry Cookies, was originally in this book. It has many great recipes, but try not to be alarmed about the amount of butter many of them call for :) This cookie and may others are great for any special (or non-special occasion). I hope you get the chance to try this!

So here it is---

1 cup sugar
1/2 cup softened butter
1 egg
1-1/2 tsp. vanilla
1-1/2 cup flour
1/4 cup unsweetened coco powder
1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/4 tsp. baking soda
1/4 tsp. salt
1 jar of halved marashino cherries (save the juice)
1- 6oz. pkg. a semi- sweet chocolate (pieces- I use bakers chocolate)
1/2 cup sweetened condensed milk

1. Beat sugar and butter together until fluffy
2. Add egg and vanilla- mix well
3. In seperate bowl- flour through salt- mix well
4. Shape dough into balls
5. Indent center (I use a 1/4 tsp to do this step)
6. Place half cherry in each indention
7. In a sauce pan- melt together tne chocolate pieces and sweetened milk. Once melted add cherry juice until spreadable consistency.
8. 1/2 to 1 tsp. of chocolate sauce on top of each cherry (cover the cherry)
9. Bake @ 350 for 13-15 minutes

Please share your favorite Christmas cookie-- Happy Baking Everyone!!

(Sigh)...

Well, it's still unclear.

1st draw--- Hcg (6), Progesterone (25.3)

2nd draw after 48 hours--- Hcg (25), No Progesterone taken

3rd draw (5 days later)--- Hcg (337), Progesterone (18)

My doctor was out today but I am pretty sure that she will put me suppositories at least once daily tomorrow. I would be okay if she wanted to do another draw. The drop in progesterone is not inspiring.

So we are continuing to wait and see. I just feel so disheartened right now.
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Added 12/18--- I will be on 200mg of prometrium nightly and more blood work on Monday. The results show will be Tuesday.

Duct Tape At Work

It really does fix everything.

Second Draw

says (in voice of family feud)... !

Hcg- 25.

I wasn't going to be pleased with anything under 36 to be honest. I feel like it went up just "enough". Does that make sense?

Also, here is a quick history of the last month and tell me what you think---

11/6- m/c

11/20- follow up (this the start of the 3rd week since m/c)

12/4 and 12/6- negative h.pt (this is the start of week 5 since m/c)

12/08- positive hp.t (this is middle of week 5 since m/c)

Are there any guesses as to how far along you think I am? I just wish I had some kind of idea. If it's any more than 12dpo then it's not looking good.

There was no progesterone draw this time. Assuming that my doctor wants more lab work on next Tuesday, and I am guessing she will, there will be one then.

The numbers on Tuesday will be back Wednesday so I will post then, unless of course, I miscarry before then. Until then, we will just wait and see--- such is the life of an RPL'er.

Crown, Sash, or Septor?

Which one do you think I should get for myself? I personally like the idea of a septor. Then I can whack people when they irritate me--- [grin]

None of you were around in my early days but I have decided that I am officially reclaiming my title as 'Most Fertile RPL'er' E.V.E.R.

I started to feel like I was pregnant late last week so I took an E.p.t and it came out negative. I decided to give it another day or two and Saturday morning E.p.t still said negative. So I went through the weekend and these situations kept arising that O.N.L.Y occur when I am pregnant. So I broke down, got my trusty CBE D.igitals (because I hate staring at an hpt for hours trying to "see" if I see line) and it popped up "pregnant".

I go to my OB's office that morning, without calling, to get my bloodwork completed- because you know we roll like that- and they call me back today with the numbers.

It's a 6.

Who the hell gets a 6 for an hcg (beta) number???? I have n.e.v.e.r gotten a number that low, even in my one chemical pregnancy. Seriously, a 6????

Either this pregnancy is waaaaaay super early or I have a chemical pregnancy waiting to happen.

I asked my nurse if it even counted since it was so low, she said it does. My progesterone is a 25.3 so at least that indicates pregnancy (and that was fasting if you are wondering).

I spoke to one of my friends about this--- she suggested I take another pregnancy test. The reasoning being that, if it were a chemical pregnancy, it wouldn't turn up positive again. But blast! I had already gone to the bathroom. I think I will try this again in a few hours. Or maybe not. This will end up how ever it's going to end up.... (sigh). L has threatened to stop having s.ex with me because every time I end up pregnant.

I think my new tag line will be----

A perpetual state of pregnancy since 2005!

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Edited 4:10pm-- CBE Digital Retake says 'pregnant'

Intersting Effect

I have a friend from high school who was pretty flighty. I love her but seriously, she didn't always act like the sharpest knife in the drawer. Although, it wasn't because she wasn't smart- if that makes any sense.

Another friend from high school was fairly defiant with her parents (i.e-sneaking out of the house with boys at the age of 12).

Both of them had children very young, before the age of 20. What amazes me is I have never seen two people as grounded as these two women are. They are amazing and they love their children dearly and are raising them to be good, honest people.

I wonder why children can't have this effect on everyone.

When Does It Change?

So (un)complicate me inspired this post when she spoke about "going home" as in, her parents house. Not the home she currently lives in with her husband J and expects to bring her little one home to.

This got me thinking about my little quirk---

I have lived in the same state for over 7 years I still don't know how to answer the question, "Where are you from?" I typically reply, "Where do I live or where did I grow up?" Now, to be upfront, I usually ask this because people notice that I have an accent [insert eye roll here].

I anticipate that this will change when I have lived in my current place of residence the same amount of time as my childhood home.

Any quirks that you want to share????

Grab The Cheese

Because I am about to "wine". I love my son but I am about to whine about how he is quickly growing up ~~sniff~~ and getting sick.

I feel like this month has just raked me over the coals. I am so, so tired and Lil' P hasn't slept well in over a month. It's just been one thing after another with him lately.

Physically---
He got a double ear infection at the start of the month.
Then he went through a growth spurt that I swear lasted a week.
Then he got a "rash" that turned out to be Eczema.
Then he got his 6 month vaccinations and his flu shot.
Over Thanksgiving weekend he got another double ear infection.
And he officially cut his first tooth today.

Developmentally---
Just after 5-1/2 months he had learned to straight up without help.
Just shy of 6 months he started eating solid foods.
A week after that he started rolling over from his back to stomach.
Then another week went by and he could easily go from stomach to back.
Now he is able to pick things up with one hand.
And is constantly getting onto his stomach (despite this maneuver making him cry) so he can try to crawl.
The boy cannot stay still- even during the 30 minutes that he does sleep he is still moving!

All these things are great and exciting but when they all occur at the same time time it equals poor, poor sleep. For everyone. Do you know that one night he didn't go to sleep until 2am???? Mostly, it's remarkably, and sadly, close to the new born stage in how he sleeps-- a block of three hours and one hour blocks thereafter.

Me---
I got one more small work project and a big one.
And I am sick.
Did I mention how tired I was?

Glad you grabbed the cheese while I supplied the "wine"???

Primary v. Secondary

I always wondered about the difference between those who had primary infertility and secondary. Sometimes I wonder if I count as primary since truly I was, and still am, and RPL'er. However, do often link myself to those suffering with primary infertility. Can an RPL'er be infertile????

Since, in this discussion, I was a primary I can tell you how hard it was... or is depending on your point of view. You have the constant wondering if you will even have a family. If you will ever have the precious, sticky, pregnancy. If the fertility issue goes on long enough you start to bargain with God or the universe. You say, "If you just give me one healthy child I will..." Sadly, if you are at that point then you are already aware of what your odds are-- and that not every couple gets the pregnancy they so desperately want or deserve.

In the beginning of Lil' P's pregnancy I was always happiest when I felt the worst. Of course I was anxious and worried, but if I was feeling bad I knew there was some hope. Then as the pregnancy progressed each time I found myself not being able to get close enough to the counter, or needing to get off my feet because I knew that my back would surely break, or tossing and turning trying to get into a comfortable sleep-- I was smiling on the inside that I was given a healthy pregnancy. While times of the pregnancy were challenging, I loved each and every minute because I didn't know if I would be given another chance.

As a secondary, I think that a couple, or family, sit there in as much surprise as the primary couple. It was likely very easy the first time and now they are trying to figure out what went wrong. What changed. Maybe they look back at their first pregnancy and say, "I wish I had paid closer attention to my pregnancy-- I wish I had tried to enjoy it more." Do they wish they had complained less about the swollen ankles, the morning sickness, or the back aches? Perhaps, it is significantly more difficult for them because they didn't know it could be their last and only time.

What do you think? What was your experience?