There are a groups of people that I have chatted with over the past two years, during this RPL journey, who have been there for me. There is one group in particular that I have gone to that has helped me deal with all my losses. They have given support, encouragement, hope, and information- I can't say enough about these women. I am always inspired by their strength. Many still keep in contact with me despite my being pregnant- they are able to find real joy for me and for that I am grateful.
It's a drop in type situation, an open meeting, people come with questions, frustrations, support... whatever that person happens to need, as a whole, we try to provide. I have always felt that it was a safe place for me to express my emotions. No matter the issue I was facing- I always felt understood. There has been another woman there who attends enough that we all know her and her story. She has had a total of 9 miscarriages and 3 living children. She recently gave birth so she had not been coming as of late.
Recently, she announced that she was pregnant again and was UPSET about it. As in not really sure that she wanted the baby because it would be so close in age to her last child. This upset me a lot. I was shocked then angry and irritated. It felt as though someone had slapped me in the face. I didn't understand how she could come to a group of women, who have struggled for so long, many of us wondering we could even have a family, and tell them she didn't really want her baby. Didn't she realize the group of people she was talking to?
Unfortunately, she has miscarried this child which is always sad. She has said as much but is sad because the baby would never have a life and never do the things that all children learn to do. She also felt relief as she was planning on giving the child up for adoption. Again, why would she say this to us? Us, the RPL survivors, who were and are still tying to have children?
I can see how it would be very distressing to be pregnant with a child so young along with two older toddlers. I can't begin to imagine the pressure- coping with a newborn and being pregnant. Wow... scary. It comforts me to know that she would have given this baby up for adoption as she felt she could not properly care for him or her. To give a child to another hopeful loving family is an incredible gift. I recognize the amount of strength it would take to do that.
It's not that I am upset about how she felt. As I have said, I can see her point of view- I am upset that she said this to our group. I feel as though she has taken a safe place for us and has tainted it somehow. I am glad that she feels like she can lean on us for support but why would she say all these things to our group?
I wasn't able to say anything at first because I was so shocked and then I was just mad. Since she has miscarried- all I can think of is that I am sorry she is having such a range of emotions as miscarriage is still emotionally difficult. However, I am struggling to find sympathy and empathy.
I just don't know what to say. Or how I feel about all of this- I am sad for her and the situation but I am mad for us, or maybe just me, who have to hear her story.
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5 comments:
Ugh, that really sucks. :( She took advantage of the trust and respect she had in your group. Some people just don't get it. *shaking my head*
Amen to that!
Hope your doing well, i think of you often. Write me an email when you get a chance to tell me how you are and how everything is going!!
I'm with you...I'm not sure how appropriate it was to bring that to the group, even though the comfort level is there you have to take into consideration what everyone else is going through. She must not have been thinking about it at the time.
As for how to feel after the m/c I completely understand your mixed emotions--I would have them too. And I also would find it hard to have sympathy and empathize with her situation because it was not a pregnancy that she wanted. It's definitely a difficult situation.
Hope all is well with you! HUGS!
I would have had a hard time hearing all of that too. I do think that was a strange amount of information to share with that particular audience. As much as you want to be supportive, she should also be sensitive to the women she is speaking to. We all have to watch our tongues as we go through life, and try to be aware of other people's struggles. It's not fair to ask anyone and everyone to be able to meet our every need. We need to have the presence of mind, and the maturity, to know who to ask for help.
First of all, I love the new look. I'm glad you got the colours changed.
It's just a matter of knowing your audience. There were probably other people who could have heard her thoughts. But to say them to a group that you're in due to RPL?...
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