- When L took Lil' P to his parents house on Saturday, it took a lot of strength for me to not cry.
- My a** is bigger and my boobs are smaller, how's that fair?????
- I saw myself in some recent pictures and was less than impressed with how I looked. So I am now trying to lose 11 pounds and using a website called Spar.kPeople.com. It's a great site and I would encourage anyone who is interested in losing weight to go look at it.
- I have started back on my PCOS diet (low carbs and sugars)... I miss not having to think about what and how much I am eating.
- I will start back to work early October, the second week. I am nervous because Lil' P and I have just started to get into a routine, now I am going to screw it all up. How am I going to add working to all the other things that I do??? Like I told R&R earlier, the label "working mother" annoys me because I believe it's redundant.
- I got my period back. It was the nicest period I have ever had in my life- it was practically painless. Amazing. And why do they call periods "Aunt Flow"? You would think that women would have given it a nickname relating to a man, only a man would cause a woman so much grief.
- I believe that my dreams sometime tell me about my future- particularly when I wake up still feeling whatever emotion was evoked during my dream. In my dream earlier this week L and I were pregnant with our 2nd baby and we were walking into our u/s. I am guessing that it was around the 20th week because we were still debating if we should find out the sex- we decided not too as she was putting the wand on my stomach. Somehow I knew in my dream that conceiving our 2nd child was not nearly as difficult as our 1st, that it was in fact, easy. I woke up feeling so, so very happy. I hope and pray this is an accurate premonition.
- L and I are starting to talk about number 2. We know that we will not prevent but will certainly not try- at least not anytime soon. We both agree that while it would be less than ideal to become pregnant right now, as a pregnancy could result in another earth baby, we wouldn't want to lick a gift horse in the mouth.
- I still feel like I would love to have 3 kids... and I feel so greedy about that.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
I Heart L
I love L for the following reason- he is taking Lil' P to his parents house tomorrow from 10am - 6pm.
I am looking forward to shopping for workout clothes, baking cookies, and soaking my feet. I will also attempt to read and nap.
I feel guilty but I am so, so excited :)
I am looking forward to shopping for workout clothes, baking cookies, and soaking my feet. I will also attempt to read and nap.
I feel guilty but I am so, so excited :)
Monday, September 15, 2008
Working Past Memories
I have not made it a secret on this blog that I lost my mother, three years ago this November, to cancer. Nor do I hide the fact that she was my best friend.
I also have not made it secret that I am less than thrilled with my father dating again. While this woman (K), who has been around for 4 months, is not the hussy that I have envisioned in my head she is not what I imagined either. If that makes any sense.
We celebrated my nephews 3rd birthday last week at my sister's house and the immediate family was there for the celebration-while I was having over the top reactions to K. She was there playing with my nephew and letting my 10 month-old niece use her as a walking stick. All I could think was, "It should be my mom here, not this woman." Later on that day, my dad handed Lil' P to her so she could hold him and it took all my will power to not snatch him out of her arms.
In small amount of time I have been given to know K this what I have learned... she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not like my mom. Sweet as can be but lacks the independence and self confidence that I admire in women. That I admired in my mom. K doesn't have the sharp, witty (if I do say so myself), sarcastic sense of humor that my sister's and I have. We got our sense of humor from mom. What K does have, that my mom did have, was the ability to be welcoming to all those she meets.
I realized that night, as I was thinking about my reactions to K, that it reminds me of when you start dating again after a lengthy relationship that you didn't end. You meet someone and say, "They are nice but they aren't so-and-so" or "I liked it better when so-and-so did..." You do this until you meet someone who makes the memory of your lost relationship fade.
Like a new boyfriend that you shouldn't compare to the old one, I need to stop comparing this woman to my mom.
No one could live up to her and fill her shoes. No other woman will ever come close being my mom. No one will or can ever replace her -but my mom's memory is not going to fade. While time has started to dull the pain, my mom lives on and continues to love through me, her family, and her grandchildren.
That is something that will not change- ever. I need to learn to let these two women coexist peacefully. I just don't know how.
I also have not made it secret that I am less than thrilled with my father dating again. While this woman (K), who has been around for 4 months, is not the hussy that I have envisioned in my head she is not what I imagined either. If that makes any sense.
We celebrated my nephews 3rd birthday last week at my sister's house and the immediate family was there for the celebration-while I was having over the top reactions to K. She was there playing with my nephew and letting my 10 month-old niece use her as a walking stick. All I could think was, "It should be my mom here, not this woman." Later on that day, my dad handed Lil' P to her so she could hold him and it took all my will power to not snatch him out of her arms.
In small amount of time I have been given to know K this what I have learned... she is not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Not like my mom. Sweet as can be but lacks the independence and self confidence that I admire in women. That I admired in my mom. K doesn't have the sharp, witty (if I do say so myself), sarcastic sense of humor that my sister's and I have. We got our sense of humor from mom. What K does have, that my mom did have, was the ability to be welcoming to all those she meets.
I realized that night, as I was thinking about my reactions to K, that it reminds me of when you start dating again after a lengthy relationship that you didn't end. You meet someone and say, "They are nice but they aren't so-and-so" or "I liked it better when so-and-so did..." You do this until you meet someone who makes the memory of your lost relationship fade.
Like a new boyfriend that you shouldn't compare to the old one, I need to stop comparing this woman to my mom.
No one could live up to her and fill her shoes. No other woman will ever come close being my mom. No one will or can ever replace her -but my mom's memory is not going to fade. While time has started to dull the pain, my mom lives on and continues to love through me, her family, and her grandchildren.
That is something that will not change- ever. I need to learn to let these two women coexist peacefully. I just don't know how.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Diggin' It
I am not talking about that old country song (do you remember that one- 'I'm Diggin' It'???)
I am talking about the new dashboard for blogger :) It allows you to follow the blogs that you always read, without all the clicking!!! Love it...
I am talking about the new dashboard for blogger :) It allows you to follow the blogs that you always read, without all the clicking!!! Love it...
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
A Parent's Secret
A baby changes everything. (Tell me something I didn't realize...)
Once you see your baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love. (Duh!)
These are said to every first time mom.
I think that we were prepared for the part where a baby changes everything. Boy, did things change... I was prepared for the night time feedings, not being able to go where I wanted when I wanted. However, I lacked the foresight to consider the emotional drain it would all take, especially when I was (am) exhausted.
Once you hold you baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love.
Huh. Ummm, that didn't happen so much for me and L.
Please understand, of course we loved our son. We loved all our babies and we wanted everyone of them. But I didn't feel that rush that so many moms talk about when I first held him. I was thrilled (and tired) smiled and said, "So you are the one who has been kicking me all this time." And L? Hell, he sobbed when Lil' P finally arrived into the world and was still crying when he called his family.
It was an odd experience to suddenly have a whole other person present. Boom, there he is. Now, take him home, care for him, raise him to be a good, caring person, and you have sole responsibility of him for the next 18 years. PS- you will be judged by those around you whether they admit it or not. (That's what I heard in my head anyway).
I was surprised by my lack of "falling". L felt the same way and perhaps this is what helped us establish our new hats as parents also helping us create a new/different bond between us. The bond I felt was different than everyone else and I felt so guilty about that. I thought something was wrong with me.
As the weeks rolled by I grew to love him and have since fallen head over heals for him. I realize, now, that for me to love him like all other parents love their little ones, or to get that "falling" feeling, I had to get to know him. I needed to learn his tickle spots, what songs he liked (even the made up ones), what made him laugh and smile, how he liked to held, and what all his different cries meant.
In the short 4 months that I have known him L and I have learned so much about him- and we love him dearly for who he is becoming. While I used to snicker at the old saying, "I love you more everyday" I have found it certainly now applies in our home.
Once you see your baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love. (Duh!)
These are said to every first time mom.
I think that we were prepared for the part where a baby changes everything. Boy, did things change... I was prepared for the night time feedings, not being able to go where I wanted when I wanted. However, I lacked the foresight to consider the emotional drain it would all take, especially when I was (am) exhausted.
Once you hold you baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love.
Huh. Ummm, that didn't happen so much for me and L.
Please understand, of course we loved our son. We loved all our babies and we wanted everyone of them. But I didn't feel that rush that so many moms talk about when I first held him. I was thrilled (and tired) smiled and said, "So you are the one who has been kicking me all this time." And L? Hell, he sobbed when Lil' P finally arrived into the world and was still crying when he called his family.
It was an odd experience to suddenly have a whole other person present. Boom, there he is. Now, take him home, care for him, raise him to be a good, caring person, and you have sole responsibility of him for the next 18 years. PS- you will be judged by those around you whether they admit it or not. (That's what I heard in my head anyway).
I was surprised by my lack of "falling". L felt the same way and perhaps this is what helped us establish our new hats as parents also helping us create a new/different bond between us. The bond I felt was different than everyone else and I felt so guilty about that. I thought something was wrong with me.
As the weeks rolled by I grew to love him and have since fallen head over heals for him. I realize, now, that for me to love him like all other parents love their little ones, or to get that "falling" feeling, I had to get to know him. I needed to learn his tickle spots, what songs he liked (even the made up ones), what made him laugh and smile, how he liked to held, and what all his different cries meant.
In the short 4 months that I have known him L and I have learned so much about him- and we love him dearly for who he is becoming. While I used to snicker at the old saying, "I love you more everyday" I have found it certainly now applies in our home.
Sunday, September 07, 2008
Come On, It'll Be Fun
I snagged this from Alison and then saw it on Leah's and wanted to join in on the fun...
The Name Game
1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Rags Civic (this sooo not a rock star's name)
2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Moose Tracks Extreme Flip Flop
3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Blue Cat
4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Christine Mt. Clemens
5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Lassam
6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Frappichino
7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Mick James
8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Warm Vanilla Twix
9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Myers Missoula
10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Sunflower (this should so be my stripper, I mean, "dancer" name)
11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Strawberry Pajama Bottoms
12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Sausage Biscuit Red Maple (now I sound like a fat Hippie)
13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Rags Werner
The Name Game
1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Rags Civic (this sooo not a rock star's name)
2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Moose Tracks Extreme Flip Flop
3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Blue Cat
4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Christine Mt. Clemens
5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Lassam
6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Frappichino
7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Mick James
8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Warm Vanilla Twix
9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Myers Missoula
10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Sunflower (this should so be my stripper, I mean, "dancer" name)
11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Strawberry Pajama Bottoms
12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Sausage Biscuit Red Maple (now I sound like a fat Hippie)
13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Rags Werner
Thursday, September 04, 2008
It's So Petty I Should Be Ashamed (but I'm not!)
I can be very petty at times and here is the most recent reason why but you will need a little back story first...
My high school boyfriend (who was my first everything) and I dated for 2-1/2 years and things fizzled out when I went to college but we tried to remain friends after the break up. He stopped talking to me because his new girlfriend didn't like it (and who can blame her??? I mean, I am fabulous!!) Well, that really hurt me and I never quite got over it...
An old high school friend of mine emailed me the other day. She said that he came into her place of work and she didn't recognize him until she heard him speak- his receding hairline made him look so different...
hehehehehehe...
My high school boyfriend (who was my first everything) and I dated for 2-1/2 years and things fizzled out when I went to college but we tried to remain friends after the break up. He stopped talking to me because his new girlfriend didn't like it (and who can blame her??? I mean, I am fabulous!!) Well, that really hurt me and I never quite got over it...
An old high school friend of mine emailed me the other day. She said that he came into her place of work and she didn't recognize him until she heard him speak- his receding hairline made him look so different...
hehehehehehe...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
What a Long Road
Well, I guess in many eyes the road hasn't been that long.
I am experiencing a decrease in my milk supply yet again. I was getting 6oz. in my morning and night pumpings and 2oz. during my other 4 pumpings. Now, I am lucky if I get 3oz. per attempt.
I have decided to stop breastfeeding/ pumping all together. I am surprised that I feel both sad and disappointed, as I planned on doing this for another 2 months. I feel like I am not doing my part as a woman or mother, that I have failed somehow and this failure means I love my son less than other mothers who have continued to breastfeed. Intellectually, I know that it's not true and would quickly try to dispel these thoughts if a friend shared these sentiments with me. Right now, I am only hoping that my emotional side will catch up soon.
I have not told my sister yet and will probably try to hide it as long as possible. She has made it clear on different occasions how she feels about formula and formula companies then add the fact that she's a LaLach.e Lea.gue leader... well, you can imagine.
My pediatrician says that it's fine to use formula and that babies receive the greatest benefit in the first 3 months. He also told me not to worry- Lil' P will still go to Harvard.
I didn't have the heart to point out that we can't afford for him to go to Harvard, as we spent all our money just trying to have him. If he does go to Harvard someday... here's hoping that that the breast milk he did get raised his IQ enough to get an academic scholarship.
I am experiencing a decrease in my milk supply yet again. I was getting 6oz. in my morning and night pumpings and 2oz. during my other 4 pumpings. Now, I am lucky if I get 3oz. per attempt.
I have decided to stop breastfeeding/ pumping all together. I am surprised that I feel both sad and disappointed, as I planned on doing this for another 2 months. I feel like I am not doing my part as a woman or mother, that I have failed somehow and this failure means I love my son less than other mothers who have continued to breastfeed. Intellectually, I know that it's not true and would quickly try to dispel these thoughts if a friend shared these sentiments with me. Right now, I am only hoping that my emotional side will catch up soon.
I have not told my sister yet and will probably try to hide it as long as possible. She has made it clear on different occasions how she feels about formula and formula companies then add the fact that she's a LaLach.e Lea.gue leader... well, you can imagine.
My pediatrician says that it's fine to use formula and that babies receive the greatest benefit in the first 3 months. He also told me not to worry- Lil' P will still go to Harvard.
I didn't have the heart to point out that we can't afford for him to go to Harvard, as we spent all our money just trying to have him. If he does go to Harvard someday... here's hoping that that the breast milk he did get raised his IQ enough to get an academic scholarship.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Apparently a Milk Connoisseur
Turns out my precious son refuses to drink any frozen breast milk. So that makes my stash, 1/4 of my freezer, worthless... awesome.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Words
Kind
Thoughtful
Honest
Supporter
Leader
Friend
Mother
Mentor
An administrator, from an agency that I worked with, passed away over the weekend. While we were not particularly close- I am to those who were close to her. Everyone has been affected as she had a great impact on those she worked with and the people she met. The words above are those that I believe best describe her. She will be irreplaceable and deeply missed by all those who knew her.
I hope and pray that God is with all those who are suffering from this tremendous loss.
Thoughtful
Honest
Supporter
Leader
Friend
Mother
Mentor
An administrator, from an agency that I worked with, passed away over the weekend. While we were not particularly close- I am to those who were close to her. Everyone has been affected as she had a great impact on those she worked with and the people she met. The words above are those that I believe best describe her. She will be irreplaceable and deeply missed by all those who knew her.
I hope and pray that God is with all those who are suffering from this tremendous loss.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Mixed
I've got mixed emotions... I don't think that I am producing enough breast milk to satisfy Lil' P anymore. I have tried increasing the times that I nurse, I let him nurse off both sides for 15- 20 minutes each, I let him nurse for about 40 minutes total, and I drink at least 1 liter of water a day. Nothing seems to help...
Now the only time he appears satisfied is when I give him 2 oz of formula in addition to a feeding. I want him to be satisfied but I feel like I am not doing my part as a mom anymore- like I am doing something wrong. I am now wondering if this is one of the reasons he has had so much trouble napping during the day. I am currently trying out "milkshakes"- half breast milk and half formula. Mmmm, a tasty treat!
Ironically, it wasn't that long ago where all I wanted to do was give up on breast feeding and now here I am. I wasn't prepared for the amount of guilt that came along with this job.
Ahhh... motherhood, good times, good times- but I still wouldn't trade it for anything.
Now the only time he appears satisfied is when I give him 2 oz of formula in addition to a feeding. I want him to be satisfied but I feel like I am not doing my part as a mom anymore- like I am doing something wrong. I am now wondering if this is one of the reasons he has had so much trouble napping during the day. I am currently trying out "milkshakes"- half breast milk and half formula. Mmmm, a tasty treat!
Ironically, it wasn't that long ago where all I wanted to do was give up on breast feeding and now here I am. I wasn't prepared for the amount of guilt that came along with this job.
Ahhh... motherhood, good times, good times- but I still wouldn't trade it for anything.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Odd....
I annoy myself when I do this yet I can't seem to stop...
why, when people become parents, do they refer to themselves in the 3rd person- and it's acceptable?
why, when people become parents, do they refer to themselves in the 3rd person- and it's acceptable?
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Is It Wrong...
that when I finish my cup of M.oose Track.s Extre.me Icecream that I wish my tongue were long enough to lick out the inside?
Monday, July 14, 2008
Bad Idea
My bad idea was to watch Criminal Minds non-stop on this website.
It's a great show (if only I were smart enough to be a profiler, damn!)... but L is out of town and I am now so paranoid, 'cause I am the only one who can protect Lil' P, I am thinking about getting a baseball bat for the bedroom.
And I have to sleep with the living room light on... how old am I again???
It's a great show (if only I were smart enough to be a profiler, damn!)... but L is out of town and I am now so paranoid, 'cause I am the only one who can protect Lil' P, I am thinking about getting a baseball bat for the bedroom.
And I have to sleep with the living room light on... how old am I again???
Monday, July 07, 2008
A Dedication
I was driving the other day and began to cry as I listened to this song. It reminded me of the RPL and Infertility experience. While I find myself on the other side of my journey it remains with me. So I dedicate this song to all the beautiful women out there who are coping with this painful situation and to those who have reached the conclusion their journey.
Go On My Child by Mich.elle Feather.stone
Don't hang your head low 'cause I can't see your face
In your reflection I see your beauty embrace
And when the light shines bright to show you your way
Do not be weary don't turn your head away
So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life
Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child
Your soul is aching and it's dying to be heard
This might be painful but consider the worth
And when you feel like there's nobody on your side
They will embrace you with a radiant smile
So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life
Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child
So you wanna give up and you can't find strength
But I believe that you will make it in the end
So you wanna step back and you want to retreat
But I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
Nothing you can't be
Don't feel so naked I am the blanket of hope
Your words are life rafts and they keep us afloat
And when this long painful journey comes to an end
They will be touched by the message
The message you've sent
So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life
Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Monday, June 30, 2008
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