I have been thinking a lot about the birth experience I want lately.
I realize that I have difficulty doing things differently from my family, particularly my sisters. I am a little enmeshed, I can say this about my self since I am a mental health therapist- we need to know our issues! Also, while hiring a doula has GREAT benefits and is a tax write-off (the one I would like to hire is going to be about $500.00) I can't seem to decide anymore if it's what I really want. There is this practical side of me that is kicking in and wondering if I should be spending $500.oo when we have some other expenses like our new baby... and of course the unexpected expense of the roof and basement (oh, and I think my hard drive might going). I realize that my comfort should not have a "price"- but doesn't everything?
Many of my previous thoughts have remained- I am very much afraid of going through childbirth. What is it exactly that I am afraid of is not quite clear. Maybe it's going through it without my mom physically present, perhaps it's fear of the pain (well, I know it's that), or the unknown. What has changed in my thought process that would have me wanting an epidural (due to a painful miscarriage I had) to wanting natural childbirth? Can the comfort that I am looking for or wanting really come from a doula? Is it the womanly presence of someone who has given birth what I need to feel safe? Someone who is female to tell me I can make it through? Is having a doula truly what I want or am I getting what I want crossed with what my sister waned and all my fears? Once I identify all my fears are they something I can face with the help of a therapist?
I asked my sister what the difference would have been without having a doula. She cited that there would have been a increase in all the worries that I have listed above- without any prompting from me. However, there is a big difference. My sister did not want any type of medical intervention- she was adamantly against it. While I on the other hand am not feeling that strongly against it. (See? There is that middle of the road, moderate personality again!) I am not completely opposed to an epidural but it's something I would like to postpone as long as possible if not avoid.
So I am realized I am going to have to dig deep this month and figure out what this is all about. I need to figure out what is going to give me the greatest comfort and to make sure that whatever I do it is because it's what I want. I just wish the practical side of me was a little quieter.
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2 comments:
You have to do what in your heart feels right. Do you have to make the drugs/no drugs decision at this point? If not, I would just wait it out. Keep it as an option in the back of your mind and see if you need it at the time.
As for the doula, if your heart is telling you to go for it, then that is what you need to do. Piece of mind is a priceless commodity and when it comes to labor and giving birth, the value of that piece of mind goes up exponentially.
In my opinion, you can always get your hands on another $500 if you need it. You can't re-do your birth experience. Do what's best for you. You have the whole rest of your life to be practical.
Good luck with your decisions. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers always! HUGS! :)
I can really relate to your thought/feeling process here - my sister is a home birth evangelist, while I don't feel strongly about most aspects of the many decisions that seem to need to be made. There are so many options, it's a bit overwhelming.
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