A Parent's Secret

A baby changes everything. (Tell me something I didn't realize...)

Once you see your baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love. (Duh!)

These are said to every first time mom.

I think that we were prepared for the part where a baby changes everything. Boy, did things change... I was prepared for the night time feedings, not being able to go where I wanted when I wanted. However, I lacked the foresight to consider the emotional drain it would all take, especially when I was (am) exhausted.

Once you hold you baby for the first time- you fall instantly in love.

Huh. Ummm, that didn't happen so much for me and L.

Please understand, of course we loved our son. We loved all our babies and we wanted everyone of them. But I didn't feel that rush that so many moms talk about when I first held him. I was thrilled (and tired) smiled and said, "So you are the one who has been kicking me all this time." And L? Hell, he sobbed when Lil' P finally arrived into the world and was still crying when he called his family.

It was an odd experience to suddenly have a whole other person present. Boom, there he is. Now, take him home, care for him, raise him to be a good, caring person, and you have sole responsibility of him for the next 18 years. PS- you will be judged by those around you whether they admit it or not. (That's what I heard in my head anyway).

I was surprised by my lack of "falling". L felt the same way and perhaps this is what helped us establish our new hats as parents also helping us create a new/different bond between us. The bond I felt was different than everyone else and I felt so guilty about that. I thought something was wrong with me.

As the weeks rolled by I grew to love him and have since fallen head over heals for him. I realize, now, that for me to love him like all other parents love their little ones, or to get that "falling" feeling, I had to get to know him. I needed to learn his tickle spots, what songs he liked (even the made up ones), what made him laugh and smile, how he liked to held, and what all his different cries meant.

In the short 4 months that I have known him L and I have learned so much about him- and we love him dearly for who he is becoming. While I used to snicker at the old saying, "I love you more everyday" I have found it certainly now applies in our home.

Come On, It'll Be Fun

I snagged this from Alison and then saw it on Leah's and wanted to join in on the fun...

The Name Game

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Rags Civic (this sooo not a rock star's name)

2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Moose Tracks Extreme Flip Flop

3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Blue Cat

4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Christine Mt. Clemens

5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Lassam

6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Green Frappichino

7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): Mick James

8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Warm Vanilla Twix

9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Myers Missoula

10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Autumn Sunflower (this should so be my stripper, I mean, "dancer" name)

11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Strawberry Pajama Bottoms

12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Sausage Biscuit Red Maple (now I sound like a fat Hippie)

13.Movie star name (first pet, first street where you lived): Rags Werner

It's So Petty I Should Be Ashamed (but I'm not!)

I can be very petty at times and here is the most recent reason why but you will need a little back story first...

My high school boyfriend (who was my first everything) and I dated for 2-1/2 years and things fizzled out when I went to college but we tried to remain friends after the break up. He stopped talking to me because his new girlfriend didn't like it (and who can blame her??? I mean, I am fabulous!!) Well, that really hurt me and I never quite got over it...

An old high school friend of mine emailed me the other day. She said that he came into her place of work and she didn't recognize him until she heard him speak- his receding hairline made him look so different...

hehehehehehe...

Oh Hippo, How I Love Thee

Yes!

I got to wear a belt today!!!! Woo hoo!!!

What a Long Road

Well, I guess in many eyes the road hasn't been that long.

I am experiencing a decrease in my milk supply yet again. I was getting 6oz. in my morning and night pumpings and 2oz. during my other 4 pumpings. Now, I am lucky if I get 3oz. per attempt.

I have decided to stop breastfeeding/ pumping all together. I am surprised that I feel both sad and disappointed, as I planned on doing this for another 2 months. I feel like I am not doing my part as a woman or mother, that I have failed somehow and this failure means I love my son less than other mothers who have continued to breastfeed. Intellectually, I know that it's not true and would quickly try to dispel these thoughts if a friend shared these sentiments with me. Right now, I am only hoping that my emotional side will catch up soon.

I have not told my sister yet and will probably try to hide it as long as possible. She has made it clear on different occasions how she feels about formula and formula companies then add the fact that she's a LaLach.e Lea.gue leader... well, you can imagine.

My pediatrician says that it's fine to use formula and that babies receive the greatest benefit in the first 3 months. He also told me not to worry- Lil' P will still go to Harvard.

I didn't have the heart to point out that we can't afford for him to go to Harvard, as we spent all our money just trying to have him. If he does go to Harvard someday... here's hoping that that the breast milk he did get raised his IQ enough to get an academic scholarship.

Apparently a Milk Connoisseur

Turns out my precious son refuses to drink any frozen breast milk. So that makes my stash, 1/4 of my freezer, worthless... awesome.

Words

Kind
Thoughtful
Honest
Supporter
Leader
Friend
Mother
Mentor

An administrator, from an agency that I worked with, passed away over the weekend. While we were not particularly close- I am to those who were close to her. Everyone has been affected as she had a great impact on those she worked with and the people she met. The words above are those that I believe best describe her. She will be irreplaceable and deeply missed by all those who knew her.

I hope and pray that God is with all those who are suffering from this tremendous loss.

Mixed

I've got mixed emotions... I don't think that I am producing enough breast milk to satisfy Lil' P anymore. I have tried increasing the times that I nurse, I let him nurse off both sides for 15- 20 minutes each, I let him nurse for about 40 minutes total, and I drink at least 1 liter of water a day. Nothing seems to help...

Now the only time he appears satisfied is when I give him 2 oz of formula in addition to a feeding. I want him to be satisfied but I feel like I am not doing my part as a mom anymore- like I am doing something wrong. I am now wondering if this is one of the reasons he has had so much trouble napping during the day. I am currently trying out "milkshakes"- half breast milk and half formula. Mmmm, a tasty treat!

Ironically, it wasn't that long ago where all I wanted to do was give up on breast feeding and now here I am. I wasn't prepared for the amount of guilt that came along with this job.

Ahhh... motherhood, good times, good times- but I still wouldn't trade it for anything.

Odd....

I annoy myself when I do this yet I can't seem to stop...

why, when people become parents, do they refer to themselves in the 3rd person- and it's acceptable?

Is It Wrong...

that when I finish my cup of M.oose Track.s Extre.me Icecream that I wish my tongue were long enough to lick out the inside?

Bad Idea

My bad idea was to watch Criminal Minds non-stop on this website.

It's a great show (if only I were smart enough to be a profiler, damn!)... but L is out of town and I am now so paranoid, 'cause I am the only one who can protect Lil' P, I am thinking about getting a baseball bat for the bedroom.

And I have to sleep with the living room light on... how old am I again???

A Dedication

I was driving the other day and began to cry as I listened to this song. It reminded me of the RPL and Infertility experience. While I find myself on the other side of my journey it remains with me. So I dedicate this song to all the beautiful women out there who are coping with this painful situation and to those who have reached the conclusion their journey.

Go On My Child by Mich.elle Feather.stone

Don't hang your head low 'cause I can't see your face
In your reflection I see your beauty embrace
And when the light shines bright to show you your way
Do not be weary don't turn your head away

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Your soul is aching and it's dying to be heard
This might be painful but consider the worth
And when you feel like there's nobody on your side
They will embrace you with a radiant smile

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

So you wanna give up and you can't find strength
But I believe that you will make it in the end
So you wanna step back and you want to retreat
But I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
Nothing you can't be

Don't feel so naked I am the blanket of hope
Your words are life rafts and they keep us afloat
And when this long painful journey comes to an end
They will be touched by the message
The message you've sent

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Smile

Remains

I still get jealous of people who become pregnant quickly and easily...

What have you done?

I saw this on Leah's blog and thought it was pretty darn cool! I have done all the things highlighted in yellow. If you join in let me know so I can what you have done...

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphins
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a rollercoaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing friends
Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived and accident you shouldn't have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US states
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten Fried Green Tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident

All Alone

Not that I am "feeling" alone- just that L has started back to his travel schedule. He (and his boss) are trying to break me slowly since L's trip will only be for 3 days, not the traditional 7 day.

Lil' P and I are here all alone for the next couple of days. My oldest sister will be coming for a visit tomorrow and I will (hopefully) be spending the following day with a good friend and her kids.

I am wondering how I will take our dog for his evening walk. But of even greater importance, how will I eat?

Thank You D.arren Sta.r and Candanc.e Bushn.ell

***Spoiler Below***

Last week my in-laws came to town and allowed me to have a few hours of "me" time- I had seriously almost forgotten that I am more than just a mom these days...

So I decided to go see S.ex I.n Th.e Ci.ty at the theaters, I loved, loved, loved the series. While I enjoyed the movie overall I was a little, no- scratch that, I was very pissed off about how the writers portrayed Charlotte York's fertility story.

(Insert sarcasm)

Look! She's suddenly pregnant because she adopted! (and they actually say so in the movie)

You have got to be freakin' kidding me- can we please perpetuate this idiotic thinking a little more to those outside the fertility world? 'Cause that would be awesome... as if we don't have enough stupid cliches to deal with.

Grrrr.....

Thank God

The growth spurt is over... I was nursing Lil' P every hour on the hour between midnight and 4am for the last several days.

Must sleep.

Lil' P: Now and Then