What a Long Road

Well, I guess in many eyes the road hasn't been that long.

I am experiencing a decrease in my milk supply yet again. I was getting 6oz. in my morning and night pumpings and 2oz. during my other 4 pumpings. Now, I am lucky if I get 3oz. per attempt.

I have decided to stop breastfeeding/ pumping all together. I am surprised that I feel both sad and disappointed, as I planned on doing this for another 2 months. I feel like I am not doing my part as a woman or mother, that I have failed somehow and this failure means I love my son less than other mothers who have continued to breastfeed. Intellectually, I know that it's not true and would quickly try to dispel these thoughts if a friend shared these sentiments with me. Right now, I am only hoping that my emotional side will catch up soon.

I have not told my sister yet and will probably try to hide it as long as possible. She has made it clear on different occasions how she feels about formula and formula companies then add the fact that she's a LaLach.e Lea.gue leader... well, you can imagine.

My pediatrician says that it's fine to use formula and that babies receive the greatest benefit in the first 3 months. He also told me not to worry- Lil' P will still go to Harvard.

I didn't have the heart to point out that we can't afford for him to go to Harvard, as we spent all our money just trying to have him. If he does go to Harvard someday... here's hoping that that the breast milk he did get raised his IQ enough to get an academic scholarship.

Apparently a Milk Connoisseur

Turns out my precious son refuses to drink any frozen breast milk. So that makes my stash, 1/4 of my freezer, worthless... awesome.

Words

Kind
Thoughtful
Honest
Supporter
Leader
Friend
Mother
Mentor

An administrator, from an agency that I worked with, passed away over the weekend. While we were not particularly close- I am to those who were close to her. Everyone has been affected as she had a great impact on those she worked with and the people she met. The words above are those that I believe best describe her. She will be irreplaceable and deeply missed by all those who knew her.

I hope and pray that God is with all those who are suffering from this tremendous loss.

Mixed

I've got mixed emotions... I don't think that I am producing enough breast milk to satisfy Lil' P anymore. I have tried increasing the times that I nurse, I let him nurse off both sides for 15- 20 minutes each, I let him nurse for about 40 minutes total, and I drink at least 1 liter of water a day. Nothing seems to help...

Now the only time he appears satisfied is when I give him 2 oz of formula in addition to a feeding. I want him to be satisfied but I feel like I am not doing my part as a mom anymore- like I am doing something wrong. I am now wondering if this is one of the reasons he has had so much trouble napping during the day. I am currently trying out "milkshakes"- half breast milk and half formula. Mmmm, a tasty treat!

Ironically, it wasn't that long ago where all I wanted to do was give up on breast feeding and now here I am. I wasn't prepared for the amount of guilt that came along with this job.

Ahhh... motherhood, good times, good times- but I still wouldn't trade it for anything.

Odd....

I annoy myself when I do this yet I can't seem to stop...

why, when people become parents, do they refer to themselves in the 3rd person- and it's acceptable?

Is It Wrong...

that when I finish my cup of M.oose Track.s Extre.me Icecream that I wish my tongue were long enough to lick out the inside?

Bad Idea

My bad idea was to watch Criminal Minds non-stop on this website.

It's a great show (if only I were smart enough to be a profiler, damn!)... but L is out of town and I am now so paranoid, 'cause I am the only one who can protect Lil' P, I am thinking about getting a baseball bat for the bedroom.

And I have to sleep with the living room light on... how old am I again???

A Dedication

I was driving the other day and began to cry as I listened to this song. It reminded me of the RPL and Infertility experience. While I find myself on the other side of my journey it remains with me. So I dedicate this song to all the beautiful women out there who are coping with this painful situation and to those who have reached the conclusion their journey.

Go On My Child by Mich.elle Feather.stone

Don't hang your head low 'cause I can't see your face
In your reflection I see your beauty embrace
And when the light shines bright to show you your way
Do not be weary don't turn your head away

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Your soul is aching and it's dying to be heard
This might be painful but consider the worth
And when you feel like there's nobody on your side
They will embrace you with a radiant smile

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

So you wanna give up and you can't find strength
But I believe that you will make it in the end
So you wanna step back and you want to retreat
But I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
Nothing you can't be

Don't feel so naked I am the blanket of hope
Your words are life rafts and they keep us afloat
And when this long painful journey comes to an end
They will be touched by the message
The message you've sent

So let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
And let their tongues do their judging and criticize
And you just sit here before us and reveal your life

Go on, go on my child
Go on, go on my child

Smile

Remains

I still get jealous of people who become pregnant quickly and easily...

What have you done?

I saw this on Leah's blog and thought it was pretty darn cool! I have done all the things highlighted in yellow. If you join in let me know so I can what you have done...

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphins
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a rollercoaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing friends
Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived and accident you shouldn't have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US states
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten Fried Green Tomatoes
Read the Illiad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident

All Alone

Not that I am "feeling" alone- just that L has started back to his travel schedule. He (and his boss) are trying to break me slowly since L's trip will only be for 3 days, not the traditional 7 day.

Lil' P and I are here all alone for the next couple of days. My oldest sister will be coming for a visit tomorrow and I will (hopefully) be spending the following day with a good friend and her kids.

I am wondering how I will take our dog for his evening walk. But of even greater importance, how will I eat?

Thank You D.arren Sta.r and Candanc.e Bushn.ell

***Spoiler Below***

Last week my in-laws came to town and allowed me to have a few hours of "me" time- I had seriously almost forgotten that I am more than just a mom these days...

So I decided to go see S.ex I.n Th.e Ci.ty at the theaters, I loved, loved, loved the series. While I enjoyed the movie overall I was a little, no- scratch that, I was very pissed off about how the writers portrayed Charlotte York's fertility story.

(Insert sarcasm)

Look! She's suddenly pregnant because she adopted! (and they actually say so in the movie)

You have got to be freakin' kidding me- can we please perpetuate this idiotic thinking a little more to those outside the fertility world? 'Cause that would be awesome... as if we don't have enough stupid cliches to deal with.

Grrrr.....

Thank God

The growth spurt is over... I was nursing Lil' P every hour on the hour between midnight and 4am for the last several days.

Must sleep.

Lil' P: Now and Then

Motherhood Is Tough On The Ego

I am doing better emotionally but the title sums up the last couple of days. Thanks for the support ladies!

The Big No-No

We continue to struggle with breast feeding. We just cannot seem to keep the correct latch going once nursing begins. So I have resolved to the fact that we will always be using a nipple shield. We tried practicing the latch- pulling him off when it's not right etc. but it was such a frustrating experience for the both of us. It just wasn't worth it anymore.

Our little man is eating about every 2 hours right now and I feel like a cow- I am starting to consider the "big no-no"... adding some formula to one of our night feedings (I will wait for gasps to stop)-

I am just so, so, so tired. I don't like feeling this way. I don't feel like I have the patience or stamina to deal with fussiness that Lil' P has sometimes- the nightitme feedings are the worst. Then I don't want to go out during the day because I am too tired- and I NEED to get out and engage with other adults. When I don't have sleep I am NOT a good parent (seriously, I am not), I get so desperately frustrated. People I know keep saying it's going to get better but no one can tell me when. If I knew when I feel like I might be able to cope better. Instead, I am tired all the time. I actually miss having the energy to complete a load of laundry. Or to clean the kitchen. Or the house in general now as it's a wreck. I know all these things are to expected but I don't feel good as a person, parent, or wife when I feel worn out and exhausted all day long, everyday.

I never realized how much pressure there was out there to breastfeed. When I told the hospital staff and my dr's that I was breastfeeding they all said "good for you" or "great- keep it up". What do they say to the women who don't? I know that breast milk is best for our baby but isn't a reasonably sane mother just as beneficial??

I am still holding out but the honest truth is- I don't want to strictly breast feed anymore. I want some one to tell me it's fine to use formula and then to hand me a case of the stuff. I want and need some of my sleep back and I need to feel like more than just a cow. I want to feel like I am better parent and not be judged because formula might help me do that.

Late Mother's Day

While I missed Mother's Day I would like to post this picture in honor of my mom.

She loved Lilacs... I love you mom and I think of you daily.

Boy, Has My Nutshell Changed!

Our baby arrived 05/03/08 at 7:05am!

My water broke at home just before midnight, 05/01/08, and contractions started about 45 minutes after. We were admitted to the hospital about 2am.

It was a very long labor… after going natural for 14 hours my body could no longer relax through the contractions and I was not able to establish an “adequate” labor so I received an epidural. After another hour or two of labor a pattern was still not established. After some decision making we added pitocin to the regiment in an effort to avoid a c- section.

You would think that this would result in a baby being born soon- but you’d be wrong! After being on pitocin for a couple of more hours my labor started to become established but the dr was concerned about the strength of the contractions, so they put in a internal monitor. After doing that the baby started to react poorly and they took me off the pitocin to let the baby regroup. Of course my contractions then slowed so we waited a couple of more hours and I was then placed back on it.

Finally, a labor pattern was established with the baby responding well. Finally, at 5am the following morning, I started to push. Sometime after I started to push my IV for the pitocin and epidural came out- everyone failed to notice- so the pushing was all natural for those two hours.

Oddly, no one told me what the sex was- I had to ask! That’s when I found out our baby boy had arrived!

We are still recuperating after our 31 hour labor but are getting through it. L was a champ and still is. He has been an incredible source of strength for me and D. I start to cry every time I think about it.

We are struggling with breast feeding, which is one of the reasons it’s taken me so long to post this, but the lactation consultant is great and we have already seen her twice now. It's more emotionally challenging that I had ever thought. Each time I consider stopping and going to strictly pumping I feel like I have failed in some way- guess that's a whole different post though.

I hope to keep posting often but I think it will be sporadic for at least the next couple of weeks- at best. I will try to keep up with everyone but if I don't post please know that I am thinking of you all and wishing you great things...

So that's my nutshell of a new life!

Today's Nutshell

Thanks for to all for the support and understanding- it was nice to know that I wasn't crazy for feeling upset about Hussie. It helped a lot!!!

However, Hussie may not actually be the one who is the hussie. But that's for later in the story...

So I ended up talking to my sister, E, about how I was feeling. She was able to calm me down some and I became a bit more rational (but only a bit). I think ultimately what I needed most, was for someone close to me to be empathetic which she was able to do.

So in the conversation that I had with E we decided that it would be best to not have the birthday dinner at my oldest sisters house as originally planned. We decided that a local restaurant would be better- neutral territory and I felt like our family space was not being invaded. The dinner wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. While Hussie seemed nice enough, and appropriately nervous, I didn't get a whole lot of time to chat with her. Although, her mannerisms reminded me of a close family friend which was slightly endearing to me (as I love this family friend). Hussie stayed several days but I only had dinner with her that one night. I did observe during the evening though that every time my dad would try to be affectionate she would pull away. I am not sure if that was because of our presence or because she was not ready for that type of display. I think perhaps a little of both.

So you are wondering who the hussie is in this story, right? I think it might actually be my dad. After the Original Hussie left I was talking to E who told me that my dad was leaving AGAIN this weekend. Where you may be wondering??? To meet up with ANOTHER woman. When my sister inquired about her name he couldn't remember. Nice.

Over the years I have gotten the impression that my father didn't date a lot- perhaps he is getting it out of his system now. (Sigh)...

My family is nuts and I know my mom just keeps shaking her head.

***Pregnancy Mentioned***

Just wanted to say that my contractions continue and became close enough last night at 1:30am to indicate to us that we needed to go to the hospital. Upon arrival, I had my first internal exam done (as I was/ am declining them to decrease the risk of infection). I discovered while my contractions were lasting for 1 minute and 4 minutes apart for 1 hour (4-1-1) I was not effaced or dilated enough- so we were sent home. I was managing the pain and didn't really feel like we needed to go (and I didn't want to get to the hospital to be sent home), but I thought L would kill me if I fought him on going. Overall, it was a good learning experience.

I learned I do not like being in the bed at all, the change of environment really decreased the intensity of my contractions, and the baby does well during contractions. So, we need to make sure that my contractions are very established (going on longer than 1 hour) the next time and even though the maternity triage nurse will strap me to a wired monitor, I am not getting in the bed until she is ready to check me.

L and I agreed that when this happens again ('casue duh, it will) we are going to base our decision on leaving for the hospital on what my intuition is telling me and how I am feeling about the contractions- instead of what the clock is telling us. Like I said though, it was a good learning expereince.

So that's me and my life in a nutshell... for today