Gifts

Thank you again for all the support you have offered- you all are so sweet and kind. It's nice to have so many people holding my hand through this.

I thought that I would have a check in and share some things that I have been thinking about.

As far a symptoms- I don't have many. There are times when I have food aversions but it comes and goes. I only have waves of nausea and it seems to occur about 8pm and sometimes when I am up feeding Lil' P at 2am. However, I am not sure if that is because I have started to take my Metformin in the afternoon. (Does anyone have any idea when it starts to take effect???) More often, I have days where I feel like food is just sitting at the top of my throat (although I don't really think that's a symptom). Other than that I have breast tenderness that sometimes keeps me from falling asleep.

I am not feeling very confident about this pregnancy. I know that all pregnancies are different but this one reminds me more of the ones where I have miscarried than of Lil' P's. I feel like every symptom I have can be logically explained. And it just makes me sad. I feel sad for what could be. Hope still lingers but I also know my reality.

As I was re-reading people's comments I thought about how grateful I was that no one offered the "C" word. I think that most people would think that it's strange- I think it's a little strange. It got me thinking...

Congratulations are given and said to people when exciting things are going to happen. Such as people getting married or newly married, a new job, a promotion, a new car, a new home or apartment, and of course having a baby on the way. These are the wonderful, exciting things-- these things bring hope and joy. A reason for celebration.

I remember still being excited when I was pregnant the second time. I thought, "After everything I have been through, surely God wouldn't do this to me a second time." We were hopeful and excited- even told family and some friends. People offered their congratulations-- and it was heartbreaking to have to tell these same people that there was nothing to be celebrated anymore. There was no new baby coming. Again. Much like Pavlov's theory-- the word soon had a negative association instead of a positive one.

So when I hear, "Congratulations!", it assumes that something good and joyful is going to happen-- and that is just not my life. It's not my history.

So I guess what I am trying to say is that pregnancy to me, to many, is a beautiful, precious gift. It's a gift that I gladly accept and protect to the best of ability no matter how narrow of a scope that is--- but I also know it is not always a gift I get to open.