Road Blocks and Rollercoasters have brought back to surface many things I have been pondering lately...
First, what has happened in my life when I was too wrapped up in my fertility woes? Who did I not laugh with? Celebrate with? Cry with? Listen too? Who was I not there for and how do I begin to apologize for being so wrapped up in myself that I forgot to be a friend?
Second, if I have truly accepted that I cannot control my pregnancy outcomes- then why do I continue with treatments? Why do I take nightly shots? Why do I take all those pills in the morning? Am I in a false state of acceptance or in a state of acceptance of knowing I can only control what I can control?
Finally, why am I so willing to believe that if I talk about something good happening that I will actually cause it to go bad? If I say a specific word that I have jinxed myself? However, on the reverse side, there is nothing I can do or say to help something good happen. Why am I willing to give the sad and unhappy things so much meaning and bearing in my life?
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5 comments:
My way of thinking is so similar. My husband thinks I'm too morbid. I'm not sure when I became this way, but it's just comfortable. I start worrying that if I refuse to believe in jinxes, I'll really screw myself over and the other shoe will drop.
I think sometimes that when you are dealing with difficulties all the time it's just easier to let yourself remain immersed in the bad the stuff. It takes a lot more energy to get up, dust off, and find something positive only to be knocked down again once the next inevitable bad thing happens. I think eventually that cycle stops for most people, but IF opens you up to a whole new level of cautiousness about your own emotions--you constantly feel that its not safe to enjoy things because something bad is just looming around the corner.
I completely understand how you feel and I've been struggling with this lately. I want to let myself enjoy the world around me, but I'm afraid of being disappointed. I know sadness and anger so well at this point, that to let it go would be like shedding my security blanket. I am vulnerable when I am happy and carefree, so I tend to limit those moments. That's where I've made the biggest mistake though--I have to learn to deal with the bad and the possibility of good.
Because as much as we IFers would like to deny it, there is that possibility--its out there waiting for the right moment strike.
I'll be thinking about you this weekend and sending positive thoughts your way. HUGS. :)
You may not be able to help something good happen by what you do or say, but thinking positive can help you feel better. But after all you've been through, its only natural that its difficult to stay positive.
I found your blog through lostandfoundconnectionsabound that you were looking for someone with immune issues who used alterative therapies (I did). If you want to chat, drop me a line at hjsdupree@aol.com
You are so sweet! Thank you for your comment on my blog.
I loved RB&R's blog. It really rings true for all of us. We get so wrapped up in TTC that it is hard to believe there is a world outside of infertility.
I often feel I will jinx myself. I never wrote in my pregnancy journal when I got my BFP because I was afraid that if I did, I would miscarry. Well, I never wrote in it and I miscarried anyway. It is a warped way of thinking but I think it is our way to protect ourselves emotionally. It takes away the guilt if something should happen. Then, at least we'd think, it wasn't caused by something WE did. Strange, but normal I guess.
XOXO
Why am I willing to give the sad and unhappy things so much meaning and bearing in my life?
This is something that I think about all the time. The unhappy things seem to matter so much more than the happy ones.
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