‘Should’ and ‘Shouldn’t’ are expectations and judgments.
You should….
That should…
It shouldn’t…
Why shouldn’t…
They place a value and expectation on something. I think that this goes along with what other bloggers have been saying about feelings during the 2ww or pregnancy.
I got worried last night when my queasiness went away. I thought ‘I should feel queasy… it’s a sign the pregnancy is over.’ Then another thought, ‘I shouldn’t think that way.’
In reality, I have been trained to think that way. It’s the way it’s always ended. A sudden lack of symptoms, having my energy back, or not having symptoms at all. All based on how I should or shouldn’t feel. An expectation on a pregnancy. I do have to say- I feel happiest when I feel the worst.
Last Wednesday I went to my Ob to get some antibiotics because their office likes to treat you when your sick- I do love my Ob by the way. She asked me how I was feeling, if I was feeling ‘pregnant.’ I told her in that moment I was but that my sinus infection over the weekend seemed to be masking my symptoms I might have been having. In my paranoia I asked, ‘Can I get another beta check? We are about to drop a lot of money on IVIg and I don’t want to spend the money on a pregnancy that isn’t progressing.’ AKA a beta of 423? How do I know this isn’t a chemical pregnancy? To which she responded…
‘You shouldn’t feel that way, I have a good feeling about this.’
Another judgment. Shouldn’t. What in my history says I ‘shouldn’t’ feel this way? She is not the only person to have said something of this manner to me. I have had many MANY people say this to me. I know that they are well meaning and encouraging me to have hope. They just want to make me feel better… but those responses are about them not about me.
You know what the nurse and the lab tech said to me when I went to get my fourth lab done and I said it was because of my paranoia?
‘Well, I can’t blame you’ and ‘You’ve been through a lot [insert name], I can understand why.’ These are the most comforting comments I get. They don’t place judgments on me or the pregnancy. They just accept me and my feelings.
This is hard. Really hard. And let’s be honest, of course I have hope. Otherwise, I wouldn’t keep doing this and taking all the meds that I take and try experiential treatments. I will even say it out loud, ‘I am pregnant. I want this pregnancy and I want to stay this way for at least another 8-1/2 months.’ (Felt like I was in an AA for a moment there! Now everyone- ‘Hi Grad3’)
I would also like to apologize to my baby…
*It’s not your fault my history is what it is. It’s not that I don’t want you. I do… I really do. That is why I have been working so hard to keep you. It’s just that I don’t know any different right now. This is just very hard for me. Hard for me to expect anything different than what I have been given in the past. I hope you know that you are loved and very much wanted. I am sorry that I cannot be better at this but I will try harder to not place an expectation on you.*
With all that being said, my beta last Wednesday came out very nice, it was a little over 4,000. So it was still tripling. My IVIg was done that Thursday. I was a little anxious but it wasn’t bad at all. I am starting to get scared because of my lack of symptoms but they have come back a little today. Mostly, I am getting scared because my u/s is on Monday. And well, I am just scared. I know that I have every reason to hope and I know that things look promising. I really will try not to place a judgment or expectation on this baby or pregnancy. Or me really. It’s just a scary place to be. And it is what it is.
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4 comments:
Oh Amy, totally hear what your saying! And i wish i could tell you it goes away but it doesnt. Im a week away from having this baby and i still think i "should/shouldnt". Take one day at a time..they turn to weeks and then months. Ill be anxiously awaiting your u/s update!
I completely understand. It always seems like when I don't want to hear it people pull out the "band-aid" comments--saying things they think will make you feel better. Most people don't get that when you've experienced IF and then RPL on top of that the last thing you want it a band-aid for your feelings.
I'll be praying for you and keeping everything crossed that everything goes well Monday. HUGS.
Your Ob should (and, yes, I'm making a judgment here) know better than to say something like that to you. As you said, what helps is having other people accept and understand your feelings, not to tell you that somehow it's wrong to feel the way you do.
This reminds me a little of an episode of SATC where Carrie says "why are we should-ing all over ourselves?" It's so true. Should doesn't do anyone any good. I'm glad the nurse and the lab tech had the sense to go beyond the platitudes and say something real. You can't help how you feel and your past experience has shaped your current outlook. I hear you on the scared. I don't know that any of us who have experienced loss wouldn't be. Hang in there. Here's to easier days ahead.
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