November

The month is always emotional for me. It marks major events in my life.

The first mark November left on me was the death of a classmate when I was 17. It was through this experience that I learned to worry less about what others thought of me. 3 years later it helped propel me to take a chance, move to a place where I knew no one, and imagine a different life for myself.

The second and third marks go hand in had. It was the death of my mom and my first pregnancy loss, the start of RPL. I had watched my mom battle cancer for a 1-1/2 years and the day after she finally let go I began my first miscarriage.

It was a stunning blow to say the least.

During this time, four years ago, I found my self living in my own personal hell. I was trapped in world that I no longer wanted to be part of. A world I no longer could understand.

While the remembrance of this time can still bring tears to my eyes and sorrow to my heart I can now also find brighter reflections.

I survived. I survived my hell. I am still here, still living.

I have a beautiful, perfect son (rightly nicknamed Little Perseverance) and another baby on the way. I am centered and have a deeper, greater appreciation for life, love, and balance than most other people my age.

I have never stopped missing my mom and I never will. But, I am always working on my new relationship with her, hoping that she is somehow guiding me without me knowing.

I am tying to make sure her grandchildren learn about her and her love for them.

I hope my children will understand the mountains climbed and sacrifices we made in order to meet them- and what pure joy they bring to our lives.

I give thanks all the time to the classmate who allowed me to enjoy the life I have now.

Yes, bitter- sweet November, you will continue to bring out the best, and worst, in me.